Hi Anita. I hope you are having a nice weekend. I’m glad you told me that. I always figured that the longer we held on to those false beliefs about ourselves, the more ingrained it gets and harder it would be to change. That gives me hope, that at my age I can still make it. For me, around age 55 I started doing a lot of self reflection, which is normal at our age, and was not happy with the way much of my life had gone. I had been living timidly and in constant fear of rejection. I was tired of carrying around this emotional burden. I started doing some research on self esteem and found that its the thing that guides the way we live. I can look back at every big regret I have and see that my lack of self esteem was a major factor in the choices I made. I could either stay stuck on these past mistakes or try to heal and make some positive changes. Its hard for both of us, which makes us connected in a way. I had always felt isolated with my emotional problems. Its nice to find and communicate with someone that is fighting the same demons. Bye for now,

Jim/Jamie

Hi Anita. You mentioned your “inner girl” and how she felt defective and rejected. I know first hand how hard that is for a child to deal with emotionally and how it can leave lifelong scars. I really hope you’ve experienced love and acceptance as an adult, so “she” could heal and shine.

Because I kept the shame locked inside for so many years, its been tough to change that negative core belief. I’ve been making progress however in the last 5 years so that the feelings of shame are not as frequent nor as intense. I was so stressed out over guarding my secret and living a lie, that I knew something had to change. I started the healing 5 years ago by thinking about it more rationally. I was living to please society at the expense of my own happiness. I didn’t have a wife and kids so I wouldn’t be hurting anybody. The way I express my gender identity has nothing to do with my character or integrity. I had even volunteered and served in the military for several years. I proved to society that I could succeed if need be in a masculine role. This rational thinking led me to the realization that I had earned the right to be my authentic self. Then I started telling some long time trusted friends and nobody rejected me. There was some surprise and even shock, but not one person rejected me. That has been the thing I try to focus on when those demons pop up from time to time. Its still a work in progress and I’m so appreciative of your help and support. Talk to you again soon.

Jim/Jamie

Hi Anita. Hope you are having a nice weekend. Yes I am lucky that I get some of the sounds of nature. I live in a quiet townhouse complex with some woods and a small creek right behind me. I am learning to be aware of and really appreciate the quiet sounds of nature early in the morning. And also I’m taking in the sight of the morning sunlight shining against the green trees. I’ve taken trips before to see grand nature settings but I’m learning that I can take in nature’s beauty right here at home on a daily basis.

I’m sure that special morning you had at the friends house will never be forgotten. To experience what its like to wake up in a quiet, loving home. I just wish it could have been like that for you all the time, in your own house.

Thanks for your insight about core beliefs. I’m my case, I first felt something different about me at age 5. My core belief became that I was “defective” and therefore unworthy of acceptance. I became terrified of rejection so I guess thats why I was too scared to tell anybody. I still have a lot of that “fear of rejection” to this day. Maybe if I make good progress on my mindful relationship with my shame emotions, it will carry over into changing that core belief.

Bye for now,
Jim/Jamie

Hi Bethany. Thank you for your insight. I was under the impression that core beliefs could be changed. Am I wrong or does is just take many years?

Hi Anita. Thanks for checking on me. I’m doing better. I wanted to tell you about something I read in the book that I’m practicing. He talks about becoming more aware of what your feeling during periods of silence. I’ve never liked being alone and silence during the day always made me feel worse. I would have the TV on all day just for the backround noise and help me feel less alone. Now, first thing in the morning I open the back door instead of turning on the TV. I’m listening and becoming aware of the sounds of nature. I do this for at least a half hour and what a pleasant way to start the day. I used to be afraid of the silence but now I’m finding it very peaceful by becoming more aware. One step at a time. Hope you are well.

Jim/Jamie

Matt thank you very much for your compassionate and uplifting words. I wish I could have seen it that way many years ago instead of letting society ruin my self esteem. Although I still struggle, its not nearly as bad as it was growing up. The internet was a big help to me as I found out I was not the only one and could communicate with others like me. I’m healing and still have hope which is the important thing. Thank you again Matt.

Hi Anita. I’m so glad it is helping you. Muscle tension and clenched fists are a sure sign of inner turmoil and anxiety. I’ve had anxiety and OCD for many years and I find my hands become very fidgety when I’m under stress. As far as my shame goes I don’t think I know exactly where in my body I feel it. If I were to guess, I would say emotions are felt in the heart? I always felt I was a reject from society and the feeling of shame makes me feel disgusted with myself. Also a lot of self loathing and guilt. I’ve tried psychotherapists which helped a little. None of them ever mentioned mindfulness. I have hope for this.

Jim/Jamie