In my case, and with other people I know with low self esteem, “perfectionism” develops into a real problem.  Because I’ve always felt inferior, I think that the only way to measure up and not be rejected, is to appear perfect to others.  I’ve never been able to accept my imperfections because its a never ending quest to achieve and prove myself.  Its a tough pattern to break out of and I’m still trapped at 65.

I’m about to turn 65 and thats definitely the way life has gone for me.  I was a late bloomer with low self esteem so my teenage years were horrible.  Felt like a loser and that things would never get better.  Started blooming when I went away to college and made a lot of friends which made me feel better about myself.  Life was so much better during these years.  Things went well until I was hit with biochemical depression and anxiety in my late forties.  It was triggered by a very traumatic event.  Spiraled down for about 5 years of pain before I sought treatment.  I do need help from an antidepressant but it gave me my life back.  I am in excellent health for my age and got remarried last year.  Just when things look so bleak, they have a way of turning around.

My emotions are way out of whack.  I have Borderline Personality Disorder where my emotions are unstable.  My emotions are intense, either too high or too low with never a healthy balance.  My mood can switch in an instant.  I can feel very euphoric one minute and then switch to anger if something upsets me.  I’m very hard to live with.

For me, inner peace would be to quiet my obsessive mind that replays past hurts over and over again.  It would be to like myself just as I am.  I’ve read that “forgiveness” is the best way to let go of the past.

I feel for you.  When I was in high school I was rejected many times when I would ask a girl out.  I only had two dates in high school and neither girl wanted to go out with me a second time.  My self confidence was so low and my anxiety so high, that I froze and couldn’t speak in a coherent manner.  Each rejection dropped my self esteem even lower until I believed I must be defective in some way.  It became so painful that I gave up rather than take the risk of being hurt again.  I was a late bloomer so as my self esteem and confidence started improving in college, I felt more relaxed when asking someone out.  Doing things that improve your self esteem and confidence in one area of your life can carry over to other areas.  Rejection is still tough for me but at least its not a catastrophe anymore.

I know I’m a hypocrite.  I have very low self esteem which makes me very critical and resentful of others.  Its like I try to tear people down so I don’t feel inferior.  Now I don’t say these things to a person out loud.  Its just what I think in my mind.   Most of the negative things I feel toward others are the same faults I have.  I don’t like being this way but I’ve never been able to break this bad habit.