Dear anita and Prash,

Thank you again for your advice. I’ve been fluctuating between feeling at peace (with the knowledge that it was my anxiety at work and understanding what exactly it is that I need to work on) and feeling a sense of loss for a potentially great job offer and great professional relationship. Whenever I catch myself thinking that I was so close to getting the job (“oh, if only I did not cancel the interview the night before”), I think to myself that this wouldn’t have mattered. It wasn’t at all about whether I made it to the interview. This was about conquering my anxiety, which I wouldn’t have been able to do overnight.

I’m making small steps to alleviate my anxiety issues but I’m still in distress at work since 1) I’m still very burnt out by the internship/work environment and 2) I still have to interact with the hiring manager (who I burned the bridge with) frequently as a part of my internship duties. It’s also stressful to know that my reputation in the field is possibly known as unprofessional and unreliable, hindering my opportunities going forward.

I know progress doesnt happen happen over night. But I’m trying my best.

Dear anita,

I am not sure if my response will answer what you said, but firstly, I just want to say thank you for the summary and reflection. I appreciate your thoughtful analysis – It’s good to be able to look at this from an outside perspective.

Ever since graduate school, my emotions have always been in constant battle with my logic. I know what I should do, and often follow through with those actions, but never without a major sense of anxiety and dread. I always always push through my anxiety, and the results have turned out well for the most part. This time, however, my anxiety was so extreme that it was simply uncontrollable. I still very much wish I hadn’t let my emotions take over my logic.

As much as I want to take a break, I feel like that would just be giving up. I feel like I just need to push through my current situation (still working at the internship, still suffering) and perhaps something good will come of it. I am not only upset that I missed out on the job opportunity, but even more upset that I’ve severed my relationship with that hiring manager/company. I still interact with her and the company frequently as a part of my internship, and it’s also just such a small field that I feel like my reputation is ruined (I know it seems dramatic, but how others see me has always been very important to me)

I keep telling myself that my suffering will end soon, as soon as I find another job, but I just don’t see this coming to an end anytime soon.

I am scared if I attend to my emotional needs, rather than what’s logical, it’ll just back fire again. By declining that interview and burning that bridge, I’ve become miserable and am stuck at my current internship. But if I had taken the interview and subsequently the job, would I have been happy? I don’t know. All I know is that right now, my anxiety and self-esteem is at its lowest.