Anita,

I guess my choice of words haven’t been quite acceptable given the context of my message and the forum by which I’m choosing to share my thoughts. I speak and write in hyperbole. The exaggeration comes from a place of frustration.

He’s done it on separate occasions. One in which he was so distracted he almost hit the stopped car in front of us. The shock led him to admit he was looking at the woman. He apologized but my irritation intensified. This was recent. Hence, why Ive written this post out.

It troubles me that, like Mark mentioned above, there’s no real focus on his part. He forgets I’m there. He deliberately and almost without shame stares directly in the direction of any woman that we face. His passes at me, then look forced. The stuttering, the blushing, the blatant inability to listen or focus on me isn’t automatic anymore. He begins to speak louder, laughs louder at lame jokes I spew, or says something “funny” and looks to see if the other woman heard. It isn’t his male nature at that point. It’s the behavior of a bachelor.

It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve done my part. It ended. I’m just living and learning.

Thanks so much for your response.

E

Mark,

I guess that may have come off wrong. I didn’t mean it as a condition of loving me, more so wondering if he really loved me, would he so openly seek to quench his desire for other women as much. I’m questioning his method of dating in that statement, I suppose.

I’m going to have to figure this out on my own. You’ve helped tremendously. I feel like I’ve already made my decision, I’m just so sad it’s not the one I was hoping for.

Thank you,

E

Manbuddha,

Thank you for so eloquently breaking down this post for me. Answering your questions forced me to really look at my words and analyze what I meant (I was an emotional wreck when I initially posted this). The standards I’ve developed for any relationship come from observing my parents and essentially becoming an unqualified relationship guru for many of my friends. I guess to name a few:

– He takes care of his physical and mental health: Doesn’t have to be athletic like me but watches what he eats and doesn’t partake in any destructive behaviors.

– He’s ambitious: Sets goals for himself and is passionate about reaching these goals.

– He’s compassionate, open, and understanding: I believe communication is incredibly important for any relationship. Possessing these qualities makes communicating with him that much easier.

– Confidence: I’ve found myself with men who are insecure and their low self esteem changes the way I see them. Someone who is confident in who they are and what they do makes them attractive.

Jeez, just reading that seems like I’m already asking for too much. The way I see it, love doesn’t happen in a day. It doesn’t happen in a month (although it does for some) but what I mean by true love doesn’t come from the storybook romance we grew up reading. I believe it is a matter of getting to know someone’s ins and outs. Their quirks. Letting time show me who they are. Many of the people I’ve met don’t want to get past the shallow beginning of the relationship. Well, almost every man I’ve dated just wanted sex.

I am by no means perfect and don’t expect anyone else to be but I’ve been told I’m insatiable and hard to please. That I have an air of arrogance about me and it’s something I have to work on. I hold myself at a certain level because I’ve watched the female figures in my life let men control them. They don’t stand up for themselves and endure emotional abuse; it’s hard to witness. I mentioned in a response above that I dated an older man who wanted me because I was young but he treated me like a child. He belittled me and laughed obnoxiously when I made a mistake so I instantly communicated my disdain for his behavior. He acknowledged it but the relationship ended shortly after.

Gosh, I hope I don’t make people feel like they have to prove themselves but if that’s the case I have to work on expressing myself better. Any advice on how I should go about this?

In regards to my view of spiritual success: I was incredibly depressed in high school and when I started college. Much of my life was devoted to the sport and not disappointing my parents so I ended up losing myself in the process. I didn’t know who I was (identity crisis) and I questioned the importance of life (existential crisis). I was so low and without support so I turned to my spirituality. I read countless books and delved deep into philosophy. By success I mean that I found something to hold onto. I’m grounded and whole again. No longer looking outward to feel complete. I am one with myself and the world around me. That’s why I feel ready to find someone. I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. I want to share my newfound life with someone. I have a great group of friends and a wonderful family but that intimate, passionate, soul connection with another person is missing.

I think that’s what makes us so amazing. Our imperfections. There’s always room for improvement, for knowledge. That’s why I emphasize the importance of becoming: much of our life is spent trying to become something, we forget how significant the process of becoming really is.

Thank you for your response. Means a lot.

Anita,

I just get so wrapped up believing there really isn’t a chance for me. Love is beautiful and one of the greatest privileges of being a living, breathing human being. You’re right. Embracing that it even just exists makes all of live’s moments all the more meaningful. A change in perspective is what I need sometimes. Thank you for helping me see that again.

Hi Inky!

That is my exact problem. Much of what I fight with is constantly finding myself with immature or insecure men (definitely still boys) who don’t know what they want. Or they do know but push me aside because they can’t give me what I want.

I dated a man who is 10 years older than me, well established, and emotionally available. It was nice but he wasn’t looking for a relationship either. He just wanted his shot at a young, spritely young woman. *rolling eyes* I’ve learned that age doesn’t really matter at this point. I’m not giving up hope. I’m sure there is someone out there.

Thank you for your kind words!