Hey chug coffee!

It may help you to adjust the focus of your meditation. Perhaps it would be helpful to set an intention at the beginning of your practice and focus on why you are meditating. Why are you meditating? There are so many different kinds of meditation, and different ways are effective for different people. If one particular style is making you dissociative, there are definitely other ways to connect with the vibrance and beauty of life if that is what you are seeking. Do some research and some experimentation and keep meditating! 🙂

Metta,
Rose

Hi Kassi,

I went through a similar thing when I was younger where I would pursue men that I deemed as “unobtainable,” I would try and get the attention or affection of coaches, teachers, bosses, people who were in positions where they would not have been allowed to date me. For me it was more of a game than actually wanting a relationship. I don’t think this is what you’re describing, but I wonder if what lies underneath may be similar. For me, I was really scared of intimacy and of being vulnerable to men, having been hurt physically and psychologically in the past, so I went after guys that I thought I could never get. I realized that I was subconsciously thinking that if I could never get them, I could enjoy the flirtation but never actually have to make myself truly vulnerable to them because there were things in place socially to keep us at a distance. In my head the idea of them was so much better than actually having them so I just created fantasy after fantasy skipping from one person to the next. If it started to get too personal and intimate, I would have a ton of reasons why it had to stop. Needless to say that was a messy situation. My attraction to the “impossible” was a reluctance to have someone around who might actually SEE me. It was easier to give my affection to someone who I could immediately create distance from. When I had a lot of control of what they were perceiving of me I felt safe.

I hope you will reconsider the notion that all men from your country are “boring.” If you decide that, you may miss the ones that actually aren’t boring at all! It seems like you enjoy a challenge when it comes to finding a partner. I am the same way so I completely understand that! It’s fun to pursue someone and put energy into creating what might end up turning into a relationship.

That being said, all different kinds of relationships work for different people. It sounds like you don’t want fleeting long-distance relationships with strangers, so what do you want? I think if you figure out what you really want you can figure out how to get it. 🙂

Sending love your way!

Hi Doreen,
Thank you for posting! You are allowed to feel how you feel, and withholding and suppressing your heart and mind is going to add fuel to the fire that is causing you pain. Allow yourself to feel what you feel! You must honor your pain and frustration, forgiveness cannot be forced but is rather a true letting go. It’s not an intellectual or psychological decision, it’s a release of emotion. Is there someone you can vent to? Or something? I find it helpful to write uncensored letters (sometimes hate letters!) just to get all that “stuff” out of your exhausted brain!! Knowing he’ll never read it and that you’re safe to say whatever you want, write an uncensored letter to him and see what is there. Maybe there are things in there that you feel you could actually say to him?

I would imagine, having been through a similar situation, that what you might really be feeling is insecure and you may have a lowered self-esteem because of this. For me those feelings can cause feelings of guilt and feeling lost. I would advise you to get in touch with what’s really underneath all that. For me, expressing and acknowledging what I’m feeling underneath the anger, revenge and distance (which is usually a really simple feeling of being hurt), is helpful to clear my head and heart and be able to seek real forgiveness. He set his attention away from you. That is hurtful! Especially if you feel even the slightest bit of insecurity about yourself, which most of us do at least from time to time.

Let all those emotions out my girl!!!! Find a safe place and express yourself! Maybe you just need to be heard by YOU.

Breathe and smile.

xx
Rose

Hi chica!
I am 22 and also going through something pretty similar. I feel like who I have been is only because it pleases other people. Up until recently most of the things I’ve done are only to gain recognition or praise. Whether it’s getting good grades or being a successful athlete or being well-liked, I feel like I’m doing everything for other people. After I graduated college I hit a wall where I was like, “what do I actually do for myself that I enjoy without anyone else ‘watching’??” and I had literally NO idea. Many, if not all, of my actions were always based on what I thought other people would think of me. It made doing anything or acting a certain way or interacting with certain people SO difficult because I had this running criticism in my head of what “other people” might perceive. I’ve made a conscious effort to try and do what I want instead of what other people want me to do. Luckily, my wise and self-less boyfriend understands that I often do this and is extremely helpful in reminding me to make choices based on what’s best for me, not what’s best for others. People-pleasing is exhausting because you’re always trying to figure out what other people want so you are constantly shifting to fit other people’s expectations and desires. It’s no way to live freely!!

What you said about feeling like a huge weight was lifted is what your whole life could be like I think! It will take a little bit of time for everyone else in your life to get used to who you really are, but once people see and know that you are much more comfortable being real and honest, they will respect you. Other people will perpetuate your previous attitude and behavior because they are expecting you to act like that. Some people may need some explanation from you, which might be annoying or difficult or scary, but it could be really helpful for you in terms of talking about this change and coming to terms with it yourself. Those around you who truly love you and care about you will want you around no matter what, anyone who only wants you around when you’re bubbly, ditzy or coy is perhaps someone who you could stand to protect yourself from anyway! Your fears are so valid and so make sense to me, I am dealing with those same ones currently.

I think this age is a very transformative time in our lives. We were li’l caterpillars not so long ago and as we emerge as the butterflies we potentially may be for the rest of our lives, it’s important to let our loved ones see who we are becoming. To stick with the metaphor, it’s also important not to rush the process because if you try and get a butterfly to fly before it’s ready, it won’t be strong enough. Be patient with your family and friends and patient with yourself. It brings me so much joy that you have someone you can “just be” with. That is a true gift and I am so hopeful for you to discover that you can always “just be” and always be free! Spread your wings beautiful butterfly!

xo

I can really relate to what you said about society not accommodating certain types of people. I have become so saddened and discouraged by the pace of our country, how fast everyone moves to get on to the next thing, how people only do one thing so that they can get something better in the future. It’s structured around money and “success” and “progress” instead of nurturance, patience, and kindness. It sounds like perhaps you are stuck in that, a very sticky place to be indeed.

Is there a way you really could give yourself a break? If your life were to be perfect, what would it look like? If you could change everything and make everything the way you wanted it, what would that be like? You are more powerful than you know. Mainstream society is very harsh but there are places that are centered around peace and cooperation. Some of these places are physical, actual communities or spiritual locations wherein you may find sanctuary. Some of these places you can find within. It’s all a matter of what you want and then deciding you can get it.

I know exactly what you mean, it makes so much sense! I’ve definitely been there and still stop myself from reaching out when I feel unable to handle the possibility of the attention being unreturned. Rejection stings like no other, and can really bring down your self-esteem and self-worth. What you don’t realize I think is that you already ARE learning to be free! You are right on the edge of a valuable lesson. Whether you choose to protect your heart or whether you choose to open it is completely up to you and either way you are trying to do what’s best for you, so again hold off on the judgement and wait to see what happens.

Often, the thought/idea of rejection is worse than actually being rejected. I would go so far as to say the thought/idea/imagination of most things are worse than the actual events themselves. What would happen if you were rejected? It may sting but hey, then you’ll know that this person wasn’t ready for what you wanted to share with them! That seems like an important thing to know!

Easier said than done of course. And I’d do well to take my own advice too! 🙂

Pema Chodron’s writing changed my life! I highly highly highly recommend her books, I cannot emphasize that enough!

EFT therapy was also very helpful to me, I had it done by an acupuncturist who was also a family friend,

Best,
R