Hi anita,

Thanks for the suggestions. I’ve never tried asparagus, will look for it. Not sure I’ve seen it before, only on TV. I have eliminated sugar altogether.

I know I am not bipolar but I’m always afraid that a serious mental illness is around the corner. Even my great grandfather was apparently mentally ill. But they used to think they were possessed and what not since they did not have the knowledge. But ultimately my point is that this goes back generations and I don’t want to trigger it. I will discuss this with a doctor, as you said the right one may help. I am just afraid, because my dad’s treatment has been so bad. I don’t know if the treatment was bad or he was not really cooperating with treatment.

I’d rather call myself Girija Fierce. I don’t like feeling dull. I’ll be fierce in my patience, if that makes sense.

On a different note, I need advice on how to be truly unbothered by other people. There are times when a senior at work laughs on a condescending way if I make a mistake or say something wrong. And it leaves me in a cycle of thought, constantly telling myself I am not dumb, but she implied I am dumb and so on. She did that yesterday and it still hurts. Also, I get insecure if someone else if praised or is overworking. I have no interest in either to be honest, but it makes me really insecured. I have theorised before here that it might be because I am afraid of being fired but I don’t think it is that simple. I think I need to feel smart. Of

Girija

Hi anita

It is hard to tell whether the years of stress lead to this illness or the illness lead to the stress and anxiety. I think it is the former. My symptoms get worse when I’m anxious.

When I said lifestyle – it is losing weight – low-carb diet and exercise, and also stress management – I am doing yoga, it is not helping that much. Instead telling myself, nothing is more important to me than myself makes me feel better.

I am trying to get as calm as possible. I want to become a person who is not easily shaken by external circumstances.

Girija

Hi shattered pieces

I don’t find it offensive at all that you said I was stuck, it is absolutely true. And a couple years ago, I had arrived at the conclusion that no one could give me enough love for me to feel enough, but it was more out of bitterness. Bitterness I still feel to this day. Times when I felt I was a better friend for someone or a better choice and yet wasn’t picked. Your post brought that back, but I am not the same person. If a person rejects me or doesn’t like me in the context of a relationship, I can take that for what it is and move on. I am not the girl that has crushes anymore. I don’t idealize men. In fact, I have gone in the opposite direction.

The reason I have oscillated back to wanting intimacy or love from another person is I pretty much did not have anything I was excited or happy about in my life. I was stressed out and feeling low. So I suppose I was looking for what could possibly fill the void and I landed on a relationship as the answer. It could have been something else like a materialistic goal, but I believe because I always felt rejected by men, that wound was sore and I landed on that. Then this brought back all the bad things guys told me I was or things I thought I was being rejected for. At the same time, I am truly convinced that the likely of a true intimate relationship is very low. Marriage is still a transaction. So I could not decide which way to go and was indeed stuck.

Regarding your experience. I read this expression and I love it, “the trash took its self out”. I am happy for you. I would have said I’m sorry only if you were hurt, but you are not and that is wonderful.

As for the things at work, my manager made me cry a number of times too. And what had helped was the movie “Captain Marvel”. There is a dialogue where she says “I have nothing to prove to you”, to her senior who keeps controlling her. I was already at my limit of tolerating my manager’s constant insults and putting my skills down and this movie gave me a chance to rise above. I realized through the movie that I didn’t have to let my manager define my skill. Because he could never put those words on paper. My appraisal was always good, all he was doing was unofficially lashing out at me. And I did not need to care about what he thought about me, I don’t need to prove my ability to him.

Thank you for your post. A lot of old lessons have come back to me.

I will take your advice as well, I am actively working on my well being. And I think I have been able to tap back in to myself for those lessons, because I have been less anxious lately. So I was able to take more time and come up with more empathetic answers for myself.

Girija

Hi anita

When you offer to talk about anything, i will take it immediately :).

This has been on my mind today because I was on reddit and there is a forum for Indian women. One woman posted about how she had just lost her virginity and it was so simple and that she wished she hadn’t been so scared or that people didn’t make a big deal about it and that it wasn’t earth shattering. Most of the comments agreed with her and said over time with the right partner you’d learn about each other and it gets better. One comment stood out to me. The commenter described how when you have a partner that respects you and there is warmth from them, sex can get earth shattering every once in a while. I did not care about the great sex part but the way she described intimacy was so beautiful. I’m scared I will never experience that.

I have already mentioned my looks. I could better them and they will only get better to a certain point. And I know better than to put myself down for my looks or other flaws. But I am seeing myself from the eyes of men and worry that a man that I could have a great life with will not give me a chance and I was lose out on love. I understand men can have flaws too. But there are some people that are more right for each other than others. And I am afraid I won’t get to live a life with intimacy and love.

I know that love is a not a guarantee. Not always could a person statistically meet “the one”. I don’t believe in that as a perfect person but, as I mentioned, someone you could have your best life with. I hope to find love. I wish I do. But I can’t help but think the odds are against me.

Arranged marriage is a coin toss. In the patriarchial setting, a lot of men have not explored how they see women and it shows. I have spoken to 2 men so far and it seemed very transactional. But at the same time, dating is still new here, a lot of men join apps for sex and still end up going for arranged marriage. In either of these scenarios, it would be looking for a needle in a haystack. But I’m afraid my needle will jump back into the haystack after seeing or getting to know me or that I’ll never find the needle.

The dilemma is do I wait and possibly never find the needle. Will I know when I’ve found the needle? I think I will but not sure. If I wait, I will lose the prospects of finding a husband over time. I’ll probably regret not settling, if I am all alone when I am older. This has me torn.

Girija

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by samy.

Hi anita

I agree with you, the materialistic band-aids could never heal the the emotional wounds.

I understand that not contacting them would help in not adding new wounds. And possibly reduce the burden on me to play catch up to their energy.

It’s the one that keeps projecting the primary judgers into other people, making you feel uncomfortable around people even when they don’t judge you at all – your inner critic is a projection of people that judged you. We don’t want to be judged so we are doing it ourselves. My inner voice though doesn’t judge me. It is afraid not judgemental.

I don’t think it just makes her feel strong. When she managed to control us so well, she is the strongest. Just like the general. Maybe most powerful is the right word. She is less wounded than us, she knows what she is doing, which makes her the heroine of every stage.

I understand therapy and moving out are the solutions to this.

Girija

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by samy.

Hi anita

I understand what histronics means now. I am frustrated at having had to soak up all that stress over the years. Just today, someone at work said something our team is responsible for isn’t working as expected and this is my old project that I know in and out, something I can fix, yet the prospect of something being broken and my having to fix it triggers me. I think having to take care of things has me averse to fixing problems at work. As I mentioned earlier, the situation at work is not as dark but still pretty pathetic in terms of support.

you come across very well to me, and I wish that sooner than later, you will be okay with who you are! it is odd but I am fine with myself when I am not around others. But once there are other people around, I just feel weird. Like I want to get away from them. That if I stay too long, they’ll judge me. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. You do that for everyone here and it’s very nice of you.

children don’t determine culture, mothers do; in the context of family, mothers have great power over their children, lots of power available to misuse, or abuse. So, many do, and… they are not going to point to other mothers being in the wrong for doing the same as they do, so… they make a culture out of the abuse of power. – This is very true. My mother and grandmother’s relationship is worse in terms of support. So the latter had no issues expecting, me as the daughter to look after my mother. My mother told us that she never felt important to her and that she probably doesn’t know which sweet my mom likes. When I see that, I know that’s where my mother gets her parenting skills. If anything she overcame that to some extent to be better than her mother. They did not face the circumstance we faced as children so there is no major falling out. But I know my mother wanted to confront her for putting her last. Her illness triggered my grandmother’s caretaking muscle though. Their love comes through in physical illness. The care they give makes you feel loved.

She is not asking for help with housework not for the purpose of not bothering you (with work), but for the purpose of bothering you with worry. – My family feels fake for this reason. None of us feel secure but at the same time the elders are super confident that they can get away with anything.

Your mental health is a price she is willing for you to pay, so that she feels like she has some power, like she is not completely powerless. – I feel like both my parents had to compete with me to prove they were better than me. So many instances where their mistakes didn’t matter but mine were magnified. Same with flaws.

The fear of my mother being hurt and her losing hope on life drove my thoughts throughout my childhood. It made me feel hopeless. There was no joy. We’d celebrate festivals, joke even, but out of the blue, my mom would get upset. But we’d still go on like it was ok. I would always be the one to apologize. Both my mother and sister get upset very easily. I’ve been trained to pacify upset people irrespective of whether it is justified or not. Always restore harmony. Maybe this is where the fear of judgement comes from. If they judge me, they will not be nice to me, and I can’t bear that.

I understand that a healthy relationship is unlikely between my mother and I. But my conscience will not allow me to leave completely. I’d want to take care of her. So that from a distance seems like the way to go.

Girija