Hi anita

 Asking me to show initiative is a fair ask. I don’t know how to show it in a way that convinces you of my motivation.

I respect your decision to withdraw. Thank you for your time.

Girija

Hi Roberta

There are many greats who asked “who am I”. But that was more existential in nature. I don’t want to even know why my purpose is. Are we all the same as babies, I think we are. As we grow up, our experiences and people around us make us who we are. That which you then become is pretty consistent. You sre right in saying that the situation can often dictate how we behave. Reaction instead of response. But there is a general outline to what people are. I am all over the place. And it is causing me a lot of angst. There is a sense of grounding in knowing who you are. A serious person, a funny person. I don’t. And I come out of situations not sure why I was the way I was. I didn’t just diverge. It was who I was but doesn’t feel authentic.

Those guidelines are nice. They will help me. Thank you for that. I could use those. But the moment-to-moment and day-to-day is bothering me too much.

Girija

Hi anita

I understand and agree with what you said. But my question I suppose is I don’t know what my real personality is. When I am by myself I don’t have one. When I am with others I can’t figure out what my real personality should feel like. Because I feel the same whether I am assertive or not, or whether I am humorous or not. It feels like I am putting on a show either ways.

Girija

Hi anita

That’s nice. It is raining here. I have the urge to stand in the rain but somehow the sound of rain sometimes makes me irritable.

Also, in terms of progress, the first floor in my house is vacant. I stay there. Come down for food, but i spend most of my time there. My maternal grandmom is here. It is started as a way to get away from the noise of the TV. But I am much happier being by myself. Better to be alone than have people around you and still be lonely, I guess. I don’t feel lonely. I have always been able to take care of myself, it is when there are others that I have the urge to rely on them, and it never works out.

And a major change has been that these days I am able to identify when anxiety will kick in. Like, a message at work and so on, and basically acknowledge that to myself “this will cause me anxiety, but it’s ok, I’ll figure it out”. That doesn’t stop the anxiety but I recover from it faster.

The other thing is I’ve learnt to seperate myself from others. Including my mom and sister. I don’t remember exactly what it was but I recognized they did not support me in the same way as I did for them. They weren’t as invested. That gave me the freedom to realize I can choose to still be happy even if the people around me aren’t. And it made me realize, I am normal by myself. And I can be around others too but it depends on how they are and what they bring out of me.

I haven’t been to therapy yet. I basically have a lot of excuses. I have to and will do it but need more time to get to it.

I am mostly trying to figure out what will make me happy. Day-to-day and maybe a year from now.

Girija

Hi anita

I will get treated for this. I do want to live feeling more confident and in control.

Girija

Hi Roberta

That’s a wonderful quote. We can choose what we do after shit happens. I think for far too long I’ve been a follower. Never made any decisions or choices for myself. That I can solve. The other, like anita, pointed out is I may be suffering from an actual disorder that leads to me going into auto pilot. I don’t ever want to be angry at people for how they treat me. I just want to leave and move on.

Girija

Hi Roberta

Thank you for the detailed answer. I will checkout the youtube channels. I have already seen some videos of Ajhan Brahamn, he is funny.

Thank you for listing so many resources. I will make a list and go over them.

I struggle with believing in rebirth. To me it feels unfair to have to bear the consequences of what you don’t even remember doing, in a previous life. A lot of women in my family use it as a way to say the abuse they face now is because of what they did in a past life. So I don’t like it. I feel like it was taught to keep people submissive. And I find it weird that mostly women think like this. Men weren’t taught this. So I feel stuck. If I believed in rebirth, maybe I could look forward to my next life, the current one I really hate. But at the same time, it feels like propaganda in my culture atleast.

Girija

Hi Roberta

Thank you for explaining dharma to me.

I would also like advice from you with an issue I face when I try to follow any spiritual practice or teachings. I find myself getting really down. I want to believe in a pay off for being good but most religions don’t guarantee that. Can you really enjoy life while also being spiritual? I have found myself getting really depressed when I tried in the past.

Girija