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ririsParticipantDear anita
I was 16 years old when I had the brain infection. It took me more than 2 years to recover. When I think about that period, I was very angry at the time. Questions like “why did this happen to me” etc. I shed so many tears. Also, I had to move on: I wanted to study at university and everyone told me not to. I did and graduated, but it took so much effort that I didn’t think about my mental health. It took me years to find help and to talk about it with a professional. It affects my life today ( I’m 35), although I thought it would pass along time passes.
I don’t think that my mother realises that she criticizes me. She probably denies when I would confront her. It’s all meant well. The same with my father. He always says that he doesn’t push me, but he does – to apply for a job, to call mister x,… The pressure on his behalf is high as well.
Thank you again for your reply.
ririsParticipantDear anita
Thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot to me.
1. Indeed, that traumatic experience left me with multiple scars. I couldn’t talk about it for years because it made me cry whenever I thought about it and / or said about it. After all those years, I can talk about it with my therapist.
In the meantime, I had to struggle with an anxiety disorder, burnout, and a depression. This was two years ago.
2. Yes, I firmly believe that I am a failure. Towards my mother, towards my husband. An example. I’m a teacher for adults and for students. I’ve been working in the education field for almost ten years, but I can’t hold a job. My record is three years, that’s it.
I’m angry and disappointed at myself. And the cheating is indeed an expression of my anger. It’s like a vicious circle.
Thank you again for your reply.
ririsParticipantDear anita
Thanks for your reply.
I’m not bored to listen to my mother. In fact, I value her judgement highly. What I mean by groceries, is that she complains about the silliest things when my father buys something and we laugh about it (wrong fruit, etc).
About the cheating: maybe I want to escape reality. I know, that’s not the way to deal with life. I’ve crossed my own boundaries by cheating. I have mixed feelings about it: I feel broken, guilty, ashamed and at the moment itself, I feel excited. This feeling haunts me and makes me sick.
ririsParticipantDear anita
I think you’re right about the cheating. To my shame, it’s something that excites me, even though I know it’s horribly wrong to do it. I had values in the past, and now I have to build that up again.
About my mother: well… we laugh about her ‘crazy’ comments (again, about groceries). About serious matters, she gives her critizism and I listen to her. Because I value her. She doesn’t know that she’s doing it unless I tell her. About her mother, well, she doesn’t please her because that’s not possible with someone who’s narcistic, but she listens to her stories because otherwise it could become worse if my mother wouldn’t listen anymore and take her not seriously.
Dear Gigi
Thank you for your kind words. Indeed, I’m very self-critical. And yes, my self esteem is now zero at this moment. About that man, he knew of course that I’m married and indeed, he retreated – is it because it was getting too hot for him? I only know that he was madly in love with me…
Thank you for your replies!
Riris
ririsParticipantDear anita
Thank you for your reply, it means a lot to me.
When it comes to talking about myself here it’s not a bad thing, you’re right. However, in the past, sometimes I talked too much about myself that it became toxic. Now, I’m aware of this and try to balance between a healthy way of talking about myself and a toxic one.
I always feel that my mother is disappointed. It has to be her way of living, and if not, she’ll criticizes every move or things I say. It’s like I should be someone else, to reach to her standards. Her mother is a clear example of narcistic behaviour, and that may be a root for my mother. My grandmother always says negative things and complains about everything.
You may be right about the cheating. I have to think about it, why I did cheat. I’ll come back to you on this point.
Thank you for your reply!
ririsParticipantThanks for your replies.
@anita & Elli:No, I don’t feel powerful when I hurt people. Moreover, I feel sad and didn’t understand why some people walked away. Now I do know why. Nor do I feel entertainment by sharing this story. And pleasure and excitement either. I always thought of myself to be considerate and kind, not the image that I have now of myself.
Yes, this man knew that I’m married. You are right. My husband is here the victim of my behaviour. When I realised this pattern, my husband and I talked about my behaviour and I apologised to him. Now, I take responsibility for my actions. The persons that I have hurt in the past, don’t want to talk with me anymore. Which I fully understand now. The ones who do talk with me, I told them that I’m sorry.
Thanks for your kind words. I’m hurting myself with this behaviour.
My parents are loving and they support me. However, there was / is always a pressure not to fail. I understand that parents want the best for their childern, but I felt that it was never enough. There is also a pattern that my mother shows: it’s never enough. She always has comments towards my father about random things (groceries etc). I don’t blame anyone for my behaviour, I’m trying to figure it out where it comes from.
When I was young, I almost died of a brain infection. I was parallysed all over but I understood what was happening in the room. I had a locked-in syndrome, and that was frustrating. I had to learn to swallow again, to speak, to walk,… I took an enormous amount of energy to getting better and having a normal life. That is a trauma and sometimes I think about that episode of my life with pain.
In the past, I had a burn-out and a depression and I needed some help and I found a therapist. Since I just found out about my behaviour, we didn’t talk about it because I simlpy didn’t know. Now we will talk about it.
PS: sorry that I make some mistakes, English is not my mother tongue.
riris
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