Anita,

I’m always shocked at how much work you put into your posts. I am shocked that anyone would take that much time out of their day to focus on me in such detail. I truly appreciate it. To be honest I don’t post here as often anymore because i feel like you work harder than i do on my own problems and that makes me feel guilty that i have made such little progress with myself in the years i have posted here. However i am very grateful you give me and others who post here that level of attention.

It’s hard for me to read through these post’s sometimes knowing i come back here with the same problems time after time and seem to go nowhere with it. My lack of progress is making me feel hopeless.

I understand my mom did a poor job of loving me. Believe me when i  say im not waiting up for it either. I don’t know if it’s really doing me any good giving my attention to that relationship anymore. Not saying she and my father didn’t have a profoundly negative impact on my self worth, i just don’t know what to do with the information that my parents loved me conditionally anymore.

I really would just like to get my needs met at this point and it feels hopeless after putting so much effort year after year. i mean maybe im not trying my best i dont know.

I’ve come up with a plan to take back power over my life. I would be interested in your feedback.

1. I need discernment with my pain-This means being able to determine if i’m just triggered and feeling hopeless or if what I am experiencing is truly a powerless situation. I’m confident that the vast majority of the angst i experience is being triggered or re experiencing past truama. This insight came about through our communication over the past week.
2. I need to improve my self soothing-This means furthering my abilities to soothe the wounded child in me from the nurturing adult/parent within me.
3. I need power over my monkey mind-This means better coping and impulse control. Im thinking meditation can help with this sitting in discomfort while creating a grounded mind. The times when i’ve felt like i had control over my automatic thinking and habits were easily the times in my life i’ve felt most confident.
4. I need a girlfriend-I need to be brave and learn to tolerate the discomfort of building attachments. I need to stop pretending i can do everything alone. I need to drop the individualistic conditioning of my culture and acknowledge i am human with human needs. I have proven to myself I am a desirable partner, believing nobody is capable of loving me is no longer the issue, its now the fear of someone loving me
5. I need to own my job– I’m getting robbed working for other people. I have been on the fence about doing therapy long term. However as i get more comfortable and confident in my skills i know i have something people need and i have been doing this long enough to see good results with people. The practice i work at now has tripled in size and this has only made things more complicated for keeping my caseload organized. i’m not getting my money’s worth. Office space is cheap where i live, im the only black male therapist in what feels like a million miles, this is a no brainier. My goal is to have this going by the beginning of 2021 when i’m fully licensed which also opens me up to even more earning potential.

Let me know what you think. I have to get my life together, sooner than later preferably.

I am so glad you suggested it may be re-experiencing. I have not looked at my episodes in this way and it makes perfect sense to me. I see this as my self trying to process past trauma. Often when i’m having these episodes my life story viewed from the perspective of a powerless victim is running parallel in my mind to the emotional experience happening in my body. Trauma is stored in the body. Therefore my taxes, relationship attempts, or any significant hardship turn out to be triggers for past trauma. The trigger being the feeling of powerlessness, such as i felt as child. The implication here is that i have not actually processed my trauma and reconnected with my authentic self that was suppressed as child?

I think it is interesting and personally extremely frustrating that I can’t figure this out on my own. It’s not like this is new information to me. I just cant see it objectively as an outsider can. Honestly i don’t even trust anyone’s objective opinion except you and my therapist. Probably because niether one of you make me feel like i’m crazy for being the way i am, whereas other people just don’t empathize very well.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by noname.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by noname.

Okay, so I don’t intend to prolong the pain in those acute moments. That is something I used to do however because it felt “right” to me to punish myself. I try not to do that as much, although it does still happen.

What i mean by digesting my emotions is like the opposite of what suppression was to me. Instead of pushing it down i let it surface and be felt from the beginning to its end, trying to keep myself in a state of mindful awareness while experiencing the emotion. I would liken it to ripping off a band-aid instead of slowly pulling it off. I just want to get the pain over with so i don’t fight it (supress it) and let it run its course.

The exception to this is during times when it is not appropriate to digest an emotion for example when i’m doing therapy with people. I have to notice it, supress it and process it outside of working hours. I cant be crying on the floor of my office while my client is too.

My hypothesis is that i currently have a backup of emotion (and needs) demanding attention that i continually suppress, again for survival or else i may loose my income. This is why i feel being a therapist may not be right for me, because i don’t process my emotions regularly anymore. It was nice having coworkers who were supportive or being in school and having classes where we would process things. I don’t have that community with covid anymore, therefore it just sits on my heart, until the levees break.

I really dont feel like working today. I’m contemplating canceling my day right now. I just can’t focus. I cant manage to get any work done at home, i’m currently a week and a half behind on my notes, im tired, i’m lonely, i feel like shit, and really don’t have a good reason to keep trying anymore.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by noname.

Thank you for believing in me. I need it. Yesterday was tough. I woke up and spent time meditating, hoping to practice some distance between my thoughts/feelings and reactions to them. I’m going to keep meditating daily because I know it’s the single best practice I’ve come across to train my mind.

It was about 1130am yesterday and I had a crying episode, when I had to be ready to see a client at noon. I screamed, cried, and begged for my fire to come back. I had the urge to physically self harm, of course I didn’t but I don’t get that specific urge in that way very often anymore. Where I used to cut now I just try to feel the pain to completion. I know I have a long way to go but damn has it been tough just getting to that point. I finally picked myself up off the floor about 1150 and washed my face put in eye drops and somehow was still able to do therapy for the next 5 hours.

I only slept about 5 hours last night waking up around 430am this morning. I couldn’t sleep because my body is so damn anxious. I know I need to do better with regulating but I feel like there’s only so much I can really do before the biological effects of social isolation set in. My anxiety is telling me clearly we don’t want to be alone. It’s 630am right now. I don’t want to be alone. I’m so used to being able to solve problems but this loneliness feels so unsolvable. Please forgive my pessimism. I feel beat.

I feel like there’s something you, my therapist, and my life are trying to teach me that I’m too incompetent to comprehend

I would agree i have little time practicing those skills regularly. I allow the world to suck me into being productive which i have a low threshold for, that leads me to addictive behaviors. If i were to be choosing self care behaviors over addictive types i would be working less and making less money. Im already struggling financially, but i feel the need for a serious break. This pandemic has not been easy for me financially or emotionally. I get caught up in this catch22 constantly and choose productivity over self care every time.

Addictive behaviors are still a huge problem for me I am trying to work on. As i wrote that last sentence it made me feel sick. The fact that i struggle so much makes me feel like a fraud. Which makes me feel like a bad person for having the job i do. How am i suppose to be helping people if i’m like this?

Thank you for your response.

I am familiar with DBT. Much of the skills I have learned and practiced, and teach to others. I could be thinking about this wrong. But my issues isn’t lack of knowledge of skills, it’s finding the motivation to see using them as worthwhile. I haven’t been trying the past 3-4 days because i don’t see the point. When i do see the point or have some kind of hope i practice them and stay on top of my self care and my moods are generally better. When i do see the point in self-care i usually have something to look forward to or hope for.

You may not be able to help me here and that is okay. i am curious if talking with me feels hopeless to you? it’s starting to feel that way to me. It doesn’t seem like ive made any progress and it’s really getting old, because although it may not seem like it i promise im trying.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by noname.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by noname.

I can’t argue with that. I’m not doing any of the things I regularly suggest to other people right now like journaling, exercising, meditating, or talking to friends. I’ve been making efforts to eat healthier which has helped me feel physically better this week and have more energy.

The last time I had a week off work to myself in the fall, all I did was meditate, cook every meal, exercise, read, journal, and work on creative projects and I felt great. It’s been very difficult for me to relax working from home, I feel like I live at work, it much more demanding than being in person, and I have no separation of work/life which is keeping me uptight and anxious all through the week.