Also, you guys, don’t feel bad. I was sincere, but all of you three, @Dannydan, @Jay2023 and @Sammy1 are coming back here even when you feel better and want to help others, and I think that tells a lot about you.

Hello guys. Sorry I haven’t been here.

First, congrats to @Tim1!!! Such wonderful news, I’m really happy for you. And thank you so much for coming here, and remembering us all, it means a lot. And for your lovely words at the end of your post.

@Jay2023 I’m glad for your last post and news, it is easier with a new romantic interest.

@Dannydan, I’ve been reading this topic all the time and reading your reply but I did not know what to advice. So I waited for Sammy. Like before, “ask Sammy” continues. Did you give B the letter?

I was thinking what to advice, and as usually, I tried to put myself in B’s position. I wouldn’t like the feeling if my fiance wrote a letter that he didn’t want me to read before wedding. It would cause me too much worry, also if there is a problem, I would feel it needs to be discussed before the wedding. So I thought that givinh here is the right choice, but I was also afraid of result.. so “ask Sammy”.

How did it go?

@Sammy1, you are as alwys so wonderful and helpful, how are you?

I’ve been actually silent because I guess I didn’t feel too good. I realized I came posting here in crisis and then post but almost don’t want to be to sincere, becasue it would seem that I’m still too anxious and in crisis. But I guess this is the right place to be vulnerable, and this is the place when I have to be sincere or don’t bother to post at all. So here it goes.

First, I felt a bit excluded here since you all bonded. Then I realized it’s a circle, people bond because they post, I post for a while and then leave but I feel excluded… So I’m not trying to blame anyone, just stating how I feel, as I said, I think I know a reason.

Also, in my life, as the thing with the tinder guy ended I felt depressed. Not really because of him, or my ex. I think I’m finally mostly over it. As @Jay2023 once said, I’ll be completley over when I fall in love again, but I think I’m over him for a big part. Also, what happened recently is that my last female friend that was single found somenone. And I really was and still am happy for her, and I helped her and talked with her. So I’m happy. But, for a few weeks, that left me without anyone to even ask for a drink almost, everyone is happy coupled and only wanted to hang out at home. So I felt depressed.

I know here and in my life, people will say I have to be happy alone. And I guess I’m a bit exaggerating, but I am 34 now (had birthday recently). I do want family. I know I won’t really be satisfied I’m in my 40s and going from work to home alone. So I think that my wish for companionship, love and children is a valid one. And I know I still have time and panicking a bit, but this COVID year made it really hard for me. I probably should be more optimistic, but it was a shitty year. It’s always funny how people think I’m pretty and attractive, and guys do text me and as out. But I’ve still didn’t have much luck, faced rejection in 2 realtionships (and a few flings) and that experience scares me.

I also feel pressure sometimes when some of people say to me , when I say taht someone doesn’t attract me, that beauty is not important. While they all have partners they found attractive. Bullshit. I need to be attracted to someone, or I will be miserable all the time in relationship.

So I decided I won’t listen those people. I won’t listen happy coupled people who tell me I need to be happy alone, and who never faced being alone in their middle thirties and wanting family, while all friends are coupled. I won’t listen to people who tell me I have to satisfy for someone I’m not feeling any desire or attraction at all.

I think my mom is my best therapist. She tells me that my wish for relationship and family is valid, and I don’t have to feel completley happy if that wish is curently unfulfilled, but that I still have that time and don’t have to worry. That things change, and until that happens, I have many other nice things to enjoy. Dad says that too. They were actually my saviours, and I’m really happy to have them. And they changed a lot trough years, they are now much more relaxed than that used to be. So they helped a lot.

Thankfully summer is coming and many places are opening here so I hope it will be better.

Hope I wasn’t too harsh in my post.

Hello. I really loved your last posts here.

@Dannydan, I must admit I haven’t liked you at first, expecially since I’ve felt I experienced from my ex a bit similar like you described you did with B. But you grew on me, a lot. I really appreciate your posts here, and I admit I like you. And.. all those things you did because you were hurt before. And now that I read your posts and you mentioning how you were annihilated on other forums.. I’m really glad posters here had heart and acceptance for you.

I think both you and @Sammy1 are wonderful here, trying help Jay and me.

I think that break up and rejection hits us hard. We all have some issues, maybe some more some less.. But those of us who want partner and companionship, and who were the ones who gave more… it hurts us. I think that happened to Shelbyville, Kkasxo, Tim, and all other posters, including us for here now. I’ve been reading older posts, and everyone mentioned same things about how they feel, mood swings, better and worse days,”I’m afraid no one will love me again”. Actually I’ve been reading your posts from last year Sammy, and the changes you went give me hope, I really admire how you did it, you are so strong.

I also really felt I found myself in Danny’s words today:

“The world lost its colour, activities I initially found some solace in as distraction gave me no joy. It was like something invisible was weighing me down and slowly sucking the life and soul out of me. No matter how much I tried, I was exhausted by the extra effort required just to do the bare minimum.”

And I’ve been mentioning all this because I think this is some parts is normal after breakups, especially for those of us who want to be partnered and have a family (I specifically remember Shelbyville, Kkasxo, Jay and me mentioning that, and mentioning our age – as this is bothering me a lot). And sometimes I feel like we who suffer so much have  problem with ourselves, like we have to fix ourselves. And yes, we can always work on ourselves, to be better, more open and vulnerable.. But we are not broken.  (There is actually and article on tinnybuddha today about this: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/a-life-changing-insight-you-are-not-a-problem-to-be-fixed/). Because sometimes I get a felling we are…But I think the point is to accept who we are and what we feel, not to “fix us”. And I think we are worthy of love and much better partners then we had. Some pain after breakup, if we cared is normal, and we shouldn’t judge ourselves because of that. (I think it’s another thing if it lasts for years and years).

So that is my message to @Jay2023 and all of us today… As maybe my English language skills are in my way so I can’t express myself the best, I’ll qoute that article I mentioned from today:

“The truth is…

You are not a problem to fix.

You are a human to be held.

To be held in your own arms and loved into wholeness.

Take care of your human.”

Hello @Jay2023

I’m sorry you had few bad days, and also that your friend problems are worse. I think you can always come here from support, both from @Dannydan, @Sammy1 and too. Actually, I think Sammy would be happy if you tagged her, she wants to help you and care.

Sometimes when I read your posts, some things sound like I’ve written them. I experience the same, better and worse days. Actually, at the beginning, near after my break up, it was worse, I think my feelings was stronger, especielly in worse days. Now they don’t have such intensity, but they do exist. I also totally feel what you said about work, I feel like not going and taking a break, and then I take a day of work, and it is acutally worse.

I guess we have to be patient, try to see how we feel and accept those feelings, and maybe find some things we like to do, our passions.  I’m not an expert, because I haven’t still got over this phase, so I don’t know actually what to say to you to help. However I know we can come here and be supportive to each other.

Did your therapy start?

You mentioned negative spiraling thoughts in your last post. I think that we have to kick ourselves out of those negative thoughts that start spiraling and getting worse. You have one negative thought, and then you continue to dwelve on it and it goes worse, and after a few minutes of thinking just everything seems negative. So maybe we should change our focus when we have the first negative thought. Very hard to do, I know.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Rhaenys.

Thank you @Sammy1 a lot! I put the wrong tag.

I don’t know what to think about him. At first he was really nice when we started chatting,  I thought he is really inteligent and interesting, he helped me  with his opinion when I bought a new car, I communicated to him my worry about distance relationship and he assured me. I actually didn’t have a good feeling, but I thought that could be only because of my fears (as you said).

Then I thought, if he is so nice, give him a chance, but then when I showed interested it seemed to me as he was less interested and messaging less. Again, I could be right in that assesment or it could be my fears, or  just chatting too long without meeting (3 months).

So we tried to agree for a meet but then problems started. We had a plan for wednesday, and there was a chance he could have to work for longer, but he didn’t communicate that until I asked him late evening Thursday. Than we had a misunderstanding about meeting (he thought we won’t meet, I understand we will met after all on wednesday and I felt he was stringing me along). And than we were not contacting until he all of sudden he send me message late Saturday (22 PM) for Sunday morning. I was thinking I’ll give a chance and said yes. And then he was late and didn’t contact. All that left a really sore taste for me.

I’m not mad, as at the end he explained himself, it’s more that I’m not sure if we can be compatible because of all that difference in planning and comunicating. He doesn’t seem like a person who likes to plan much ahead, or cares that much about punctuality, and I experinced that with one of my previous ex-es and I was just frustrated most of the time.

Like you Know here, I had bad experiences, and I do want someone who is reliable and whom I can trust.  He hasn’t contacted since. When we meet he seemed nice. He even payed the bill, wanted to give me chocolate (but it melted) he even hugged me twice at the end. And I felt I was attracted a bit. I started overthinking on Sunday, so I decided to let it go, not to think about what will I do. I guessed  if he really is interested he will contact and then I’ll see how I feel. But so far I guess i felt mixed signals and I didn’t want to push. I explained him how I felt when he didn’t contact, I wasn’t unsure if he is just stringing me alone, and then he understood, but still all that worries me so I don’t feel like contacting him myself. I just asked him if he arrived home, and thanked him for drink and gift, and he replied nicely, but at the time (Sunday) I didn’t felt to continue chat. I guess I had that “red flags” screaming in my head.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Rhaenys.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Rhaenys.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Rhaenys.

@Dannydan , about your insecurity if you “are good enough” for B, she already choose you. I think when you two started for the second time, that shows how much she is into you. I think if you care about her, if you listen her needs as I mentioned, you don’t have to be afraid. And I see you care a lot. If you still are, however, insecure, maybe therapy would help you.

I also agree with Sammy suggestion about doing acts of service for B, I was actually trying to say you the same thing, but with different words.

About the remarks… I’m not sure. As it seems to me we don’t know the whole story (what were those remarks, what culture it is, what did B told you) it’s hard to say. I don’t want to suggest you to tell us, not at all, but it’s hard to say for me. Sammy has good instincts, maybe you should listen her, sincerety between partners doesn’t sound as a bad choice.

@Jay2023, I personally think some mood swings are not unusual after a breakup. I remember after my breakup, I had those a lot, worse and better days. And I thought I should heal fast, not think about him.. Giving yourself time to heal, as much as you need, is also a way of showing care for yourself. I actually remember reading an article on this page about that, actually many articles mention that. I still have some better and worse days, and that’s okay. I even see my friends have those, after breakup it can be only worse. It will get better. I agree therapy should help, I think that’s never a bad choice. It could all pass much sooner with therapy and that would make it easier for you.

I read a lot of articles on this page about break up, moood swings, about how to see what we feel about judging it, mindfulness… It could help. Maybe I already mentioned, Ask Polly colums also helped a lot (maybe they are written more for woman, though, but I think they can work for both man and women, and there are also question from men).

@Sammy thank you for advice. I’m actually aware what happened does not affect my self worth, and I’m not that sad or depressed. It was kind of stresful few days, but now it’s passed, and I’m glad the situation is over, and chatting also.

I’m in a weird part of my life, it seems to me like all the masks are falling down… I also had some disappointments with some of my friends last few months, and this week again too. It like I’m finally seeing and understanding everything. I started being aware that some of my friends don’t really understand or even try to understand me, and are being  selfish (always talking about their problems only, but then ignoring when I want to talk about mine, asking me to let them know early about our arrangements, but then canceling or changing them later, multiple times and similar stuff). It’s like I’m in this phase in my life when it’s teaching me not to be dependable on anyone, except myself, and how to be okay by myself and how to put boundaries in all my relationships. I guess it’s interesting but also very stresfull and demanding. I’m realizing it’s sometimes better to stay home and be with myself, then adapting to all their arragment changes and demads to do things only they want. It really does seems all masks are falling… And I actually understand them and why they do that, I understand they have their own problems why they act the way the do, it’s really weird feeling. I guess this is the part when I realize who is a friend and who is not, and what to except of whom, like I’m having a lesson in (both love, friendship and family) relationships. And I do have a feeling (most of the time) that all this storm will pass, and everything will fall into place.

It’s weird because after my last break up, and because one friend was mad about me as she felt I “ignored” her during my relationship, I had felt remorses about that. But now I’m realizing, I did not do nothing wrong, actually I see all the people doing the same, relying on their partners the most, if they do want a serious relationship. And after my breakup, I was kind of in a mood, I don’t want to find anyone outside my town, as I have “friends” and family here, and wouldn’t lose them… So I guess that now, life has showed me not to exclude anything, to have an open mind and when the time is right and the lesson is learned, this situation (bot with friends and romantic relationship) with resolve itself.

I think you were completley right @Sammy, when you said it will happen naturally when me and @Jay2023 are ready.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Rhaenys.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Rhaenys.

Thank you @Jay2023. I’m aware it’s not reflection on myself.

Actually, to me now it seems like it was a push-pull game. He was pushing a lot, while I was unsure, encouraging me, initiating conversations, and when I gave in, he started pulling away. I don’t want to play, so if that’s it, I’m not going to push it. I guess, even in past, I’m may be attracted to those games, but I hope I’m now at least more emotionally aware so I can recognize this and stop it. Somehow, knowing I can recognize the game, and it’s my choice whether I want to play or not, makes me feel stronger and confident, realizing I have a control. And I want to choose only what’s healty and mature, not those games.

I don’t rely on tinder as my primary method usually either, I was even unsure because it was a match on tinder. I admit I went on tinder as there were not many others opppurtunites, because of  pandemic, work-home life and  friends in relationships.

I love what you wrote in last part of your reply.  I’m going to take a break now too, not chasing anything, not tryin to replace any loss. As now my thinking of my ex has stopped in the most part, I guess it’s a wonderful opportunity to not be thinking about anyone, which hasn’t happened a long time now for me. I also believe that things will develop, when it’s right time and when we are in good state for that, both for you and me.