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RennParticipantHi Helcat,
you’re absolutely right about the hard to bring it up thing. i didn’t really realise this but i don’t bring things up because i know he will be funny about it all.
you don’t have to force it, sometimes you can care for someone and even love them and they can still be the wrong person for you.
i so agree with you here. it’s quite a sad thought for me though and i never really know if i should be listening to my head or my heart and i don’t even know if my head and my heart are pointing the same way or not.
its going to be really hard for me next year because he is leaving college but i am still here, and i think i can deal with it and be perfectly good at communicating but i know he will get more and more funny about everything since he wont be with me when i do things you know? i guess i probably know how i really feel deep down but i am really finding it hard to work out what it is that i actually think. That might sound stupid haha, i just think i spend a lot of time convincing myself things so now i have no idea what my ‘gut feeling’ actually is telling me…
Thanks for your reply
– Renn
RennParticipantHi anita! thank you for your reply 🙂
yeah it is quite a problem. to be honest even last night we actually did have a massive argument over him calling me stupid. He says he didn’t mean that i was stupid just that i had done a stupid thing. all it was that i didn’t eat much that day because i was stressed. he started calling me childish and saying a bunch of stuff like how he didn’t think we were friends and that we were just bf and gf. it was quite sad really. I really do love him and he is just looking out for me but i don’t think he really goes about it in the way i personally would…
I hate the whole suspecting thing, it makes me feel like i’ve done something wrong when i havent at all. i think i probably need to have a real sit down and think about this stuff. I do find it hard when i know i really care about him but maybe we arent similar at all and maybe i don’t suit him that well.
– Renn
RennParticipantHi Anita!
Haha! bamboozled is a brilliant word!! i’ll take that as a compliment, I’m glad i bamboozle Hahah!
Okay, examples
1) one of my closest friends was having a bit of a rough patch with her boyfriend and they’d broken up, and she was talking to me about someone else she’d been seeing. it seemed awful to be honest, so i told her that. at the time she was certainly a little taken aback but heard me out and got out of the situation after we talked it over a little more. even though shed also been ‘trash talking’ her ex boyfriend, I knew he wasn’t all that bad and it was just a sort of heat of the moment thing, so I reminded her to cut him some slack and try and think about what he intended and how maybe they’d both just communicated poorly.
2) a situation where it wasn’t appreciated would definitely be with my mother. not advice of course, but I am very honest and she does just take offence to it. she can be quite pester-y to my sister about school work and its obvious that it doesn’t help my sister, which she doesn’t see, so she just keeps nagging which just caused arguments. I told her I didn’t think it was at all helpful and tried to point her to realise it herself rather than just telling her because I thought it might be rude but she still interpreted it as rude and she doesn’t like it when I’m ‘too honest’ as it hurts her feelings sometimes.
I’ve really been thinking about things recently and getting in my head a lot about this whole boyfriend thing. I hope you don’t mind me going on about it! He can be really moody sometimes and I’m not going to lie, it just really gets on my nerves. it doesn’t even make me sad it just really makes me angry. I’m worried that my Ex who moved away will always have something over me, because he made me feel SO comfortable at the start, before him I was so insecure about stuff. and it was so easy with him and although he had his faults, he was actually a really level headed mature guy. he wasn’t very ‘lovey’ in the same way my new boyfriend is but people are different aren’t they. I actually think my boyfriend might be love bombing me and he’ll just be over me in a couple months because the honeymoon thing will have gone. I cant get it out my mind and to be honest I don’t really care I just don’t want to waste my time if that’s what is going on.
sorry for the waffling, I’ve just been really thinking about it recently.
– Renn
RennParticipantHi Anita,
it is rational to listen to the heart, to what it has to say (yet not be ruled by its impulses and immediate needs), because what it has to say has to be part of any rational decision that involves the heart. A rational decision cannot be the right decision unless it takes the heart into serious consideration. – good point wow! I didn’t think of that, honestly thats what gets me into trouble with things sometimes im a bit too rational. its never simple is it Haha!
With regard to not always letting myself experience emotions fully:
I think i kind of mean there comes a point where i’m just like ‘what’s the point moping’ or something like ‘nah ill just leave it, no point making a thing’ even if it did kind of annoy me. its just like ‘we’re all still alive and happy so its fine’ Quite often in situations I just don’t bring it up and genuinely it just stops bothering me. Although I’m not sure if sometimes it probably should bother me. I think i just think there’s often bigger fish to fry and what i consider important/a big thing maybe isn’t always the same to the people I’m around.
To be honest the biggest things to me that i would really lay it all on the line for are just a few of my family and the farm I pretty much live at, my animals and stuff. I’ve got a really close best friend from this farm who shares a lot of her central values with me. I don’t think anyone could ever get between me and these few things. So anything else ever is just… not AS important to me, because honestly I’ve really had to work hard with this farm and my family and its so special to me, I cant imagine ever really wanting anything else so, why would i get worked up over anything else? That’s i think what i mean, probably sounds really wierd!
And the ‘therapist friend’ thing:
I’m very black and white, like brutally honest i think. i often get mis interpreted as not being intuitive, empathetic or considerate, except from by people like my mother and sister or SUPER close friends who can tell that i am.I as a kid was really empathatic, could always tell when people said something they didn’t mean, and it used to bother me/ get me in a bit of a flap because i didn’t know what to do with the knowledge that they said they were fine but clearly weren’t. (for example)
i still can tell exactly what people think often. However, i’ve taken the stance that if someone’s clearly not fully divulging how they feel then there’s no use pushing them into it even if i know what they really feel like.
i usually just take whatever they say as the truth, as i feel like acting based on what you think people feel like isn’t always helpful (although i always take into consideration what i really think they feel like even if they dont say anything about it or pretend its not a thing) because if you always go round acting on ‘possible hidden meanings’ then surely people will never end up actually telling you the real truth of their feelings because you just act how they want anyways ?
I dont know, it gets really confusing when people don’t give it to you straight, but i guess not everyone finds it easy to tell it to you how it is. Personally don’t see the point in ‘beating around the bush’ or anything. i just tell it how it is and i suppose some people dont like that, and i certainly come across as a bit harsh at times.
People in general really hate the brutal honesty (but respect it) and therefore may come to me for advice/ help because they know i wont just coddle to them, or they just think that i’m mean. i always try very consciously to word things nicely and i don’t ever rip into people or take a one sided view.
Thank you again,
– Renn 🙂
RennParticipantDear Anita,
I’m glad to hear that’s the feeling i’m on about! I feel comforted to know I’ve not just been a bit delusional!
what you mentioned about love within the family is really interesting.
It’s an intense and enduring love that when betrayed injures a child’s heart. The child feels this injury intensely, but over time represses it and.. forgets, in a way, becomes numb to it, or indifferent. Or angry. Fast forward, the child is a teenager or a young adult, and his or her negative experience with love is a huge part of one’s long-term romantic love life-experience. – this is fascinating to me. i never considered different types of love and how they link together. thats certainly a huge factor that impacts the way we all view things like this isn’t it.
Yes you’re absolutely correct Boy 1 had a bad experience with it all and was certainly closed off. i think although my new boyfriend has also had a bad experience with a past girlfriend, hes much more of a ‘Lover’ by nature. I get the impression from him that (like me) he would rather put his heart on the line and get hurt than never at all. a wonderful trait i think.
the expansion of a contracted, guarded heart is a very delicate process and needs to be treated with outmost respect. This reminds me of a nature movie I saw long ago, that of a male black spider approaching a female spider, cautiously, slowly, one step at a time, so that she does not mistaken him for a prey, an insect to consume. – that’s fascinating. I think you’re right, i’d never thought of it like this. you can’t rush these things can you. good things come to those who wait or something! I do need to be nice and steady with my new boyfriend for this kind of reason. it’s hard sometimes but i’ve always followed my head so when my heart gets involved its important to remember my values of rationality. being young i think its easy for us to get carried away!
And Okay, good point. ill leave that bit. i suppose theres no need for me to bring it up really unless theres something directly relevant.
i shall carry this motto with me. ‘be patient with your heart and his’ i like this. thank you so so much for your advice its amazingly helpful! Very wise words 🙂
I’m going to be more considerate to my own and his feelings. Hopefully i can soon let my heart let him in fully. I can be a bit of a control freak with my own emotions, i don’t always let myself feel them, which is maybe why im panicking a bit about the start of a ‘love feeling’. I’ve always been the kind of ‘therapist’ friend because I’m pretty black and white in general which i think people need and appreciate sometimes, i’m never jumping to conclusions or being crazy. Emotions don’t always work this way do they though. Especially as my new boyfriend is really in touch with his emotions (which is great) its fascinating to interact with people who think so differently to me.
– Renn
RennParticipantHi Grace, Oh my god! I’ve been in a similar (Although less deep) situation. he moved across the world for a year.
So I can very much understand you.
3 months is a short amount of time especially if you were so brilliant together in person. You will definitely still feel horrible at the moment, it is such a change! talking over message and call is hard, its okay!
BUT, if you both work for it, it WILL WORK! if one of you gives up or doesnt think its gonna work, you may well struggle. perseverance is key!! after you acclimatise to the distance, it really does become easier. the initial shock is what makes it seem so horrible i think.
The main question is, are you prepared to wait for him? (i was, but he wasnt so you must both be on board) and again, its totally acceptable for this to change. if his actions are positive as they so far seem to be from this post then i feel that its worth considering to wait it out. seems to me that you care a lot for each other. consider being kind to yourself but also thinking of the bigger picture.
Something i was told was ‘its one year vs the rest of your life’
If you both really want to, you will be absolutely fine! its okay to need a break to think about it though. Its rough! but once you ride out the really tricky part (the first 6ish months) you’ll find the sailing to be a little smoother, still sad at times, but you will be okay. Stay Hopeful!
– Renn x
RennParticipantHi Anita,
Okay, i shall try and stay level headed. i dont want to make silly descisions or anything just because i get myself in quite a flap about things i dont understand!
maybe that’s the problem for me at the moment, i’m not so sure i really know what ‘love’ means to me. I’ve not got much life experience, being 20! still learning about these things, although i suppose we all are!
A thought provoking question!
I suppose to me im just basing my ‘love’ off of how i feel like, how i feel when i look at my pet dog right, the same sort of heart expanding feeling, i dont know at all ! sounds so silly when i read it back ahaha!
thank you for your reply!
Renn
RennParticipantHi,
Yes i think you’re right. that’s certainly how I feel! very guarded! how wise! I think i should certainly talk to him about this, you’ve put it so well it would be amazing to share it with him.
you’re right about closure, i suppose it doesn’t really mean much in the grand scheme of things anyways. its just life isn’t it!
thank you for your reply 🙂
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