Hi Helcat,

you’re absolutely right about the hard to bring it up thing. i didn’t really realise this but i don’t bring things up because i know he will be funny about it all.

you don’t have to force it, sometimes you can care for someone and even love them and they can still be the wrong person for you.

i so agree with you here. it’s quite a sad thought for me though and i never really know if i should be listening to my head or my heart and i don’t even know if my head and my heart are pointing the same way or not.

its going to be really hard for me next year because he is leaving college but i am still here, and i think i can deal with it and be perfectly good at communicating but i know he will get more and more funny about everything since he wont be with me when i do things you know? i guess i probably know how i really feel deep down but i am really finding it hard to work out what it is that i actually think. That might sound stupid haha, i just think i spend a lot of time convincing myself things so now i have no idea what my ‘gut feeling’ actually is telling me…

Thanks for your reply

– Renn

Hi Anita!

Haha! bamboozled is a brilliant word!! i’ll take that as a compliment, I’m glad i bamboozle Hahah!

Okay, examples

1) one of my closest friends was having a bit of a rough patch with her boyfriend and they’d broken up, and she was talking to me about someone else she’d been seeing. it seemed awful to be honest, so i told her that. at the time she was certainly a little taken aback but heard me out and got out of the situation after we talked it over a little more. even though shed also been ‘trash talking’ her ex boyfriend, I knew he wasn’t all that bad and it was just a sort of heat of the moment thing, so I reminded her to cut him some slack and try and think about what he intended and how maybe they’d both just communicated poorly.

2) a situation where it wasn’t appreciated would definitely be with my mother. not advice of course, but I am very honest and she does just take offence to it. she can be quite pester-y to my sister about school work and its obvious that it doesn’t help my sister, which she doesn’t see, so she just keeps nagging which just caused arguments. I told her I didn’t think it was at all helpful and tried to point her to realise it herself rather than just telling her because I thought it might be rude but she still interpreted it as rude and she doesn’t like it when I’m ‘too honest’ as it hurts her feelings sometimes.

I’ve really been thinking about things recently and getting in my head a lot about this whole boyfriend thing. I hope you don’t mind me going on about it! He can be really moody sometimes and I’m not going to lie, it just really gets on my nerves. it doesn’t even make me sad it just really makes me angry. I’m worried that my Ex who moved away will always have something over me, because he made me feel SO comfortable at the start, before him I was so insecure about stuff. and it was so easy with him and although he had his faults, he was actually a really level headed mature guy. he wasn’t very ‘lovey’ in the same way my new boyfriend is but people are different aren’t they. I actually think my boyfriend might be love bombing me and he’ll just be over me in a couple months because the honeymoon thing will have gone. I cant get it out my mind and to be honest I don’t really care I just don’t want to waste my time if that’s what is going on.

sorry for the waffling, I’ve just been really thinking about it recently.

– Renn

Dear Anita,

I’m glad to hear that’s the feeling i’m on about! I feel comforted to know I’ve not just been a bit delusional!

what you mentioned about love within the family is really interesting.

 It’s an intense and enduring love that when betrayed injures a child’s heart. The child feels this injury intensely, but over time represses it and.. forgets, in a way, becomes numb to it, or indifferent. Or angry. Fast forward, the child is a teenager or a young adult, and his or her negative experience with love is a huge part of one’s long-term romantic love life-experience. – this is fascinating to me. i never considered different types of love and how they link together. thats certainly a huge factor that impacts the way we all view things like this isn’t it.

Yes you’re absolutely correct Boy 1 had a bad experience with it all and was certainly closed off. i think although my new boyfriend has also had a bad experience with a past girlfriend, hes much more of a ‘Lover’ by nature. I get the impression from him that (like me) he would rather put his heart on the line and get hurt than never at all.  a wonderful trait i think.

the expansion of a contracted, guarded heart is a very delicate process and needs to be treated with outmost respect. This reminds me of a nature movie I saw long ago, that of a male black spider approaching a female spider, cautiously, slowly, one step at a time, so that she does not mistaken him for a prey, an insect to consume. – that’s fascinating. I think you’re right, i’d never thought of it like this. you can’t rush these things can you. good things come to those who wait or something! I do need to be nice and steady with my new boyfriend for this kind of reason. it’s hard sometimes but i’ve always followed my head so when my heart gets involved its important to remember my values of rationality. being young i think its easy for us to get carried away!

And Okay, good point. ill leave that bit. i suppose theres no need for me to bring it up really unless theres something directly relevant.

i shall carry this motto with me. ‘be patient with your heart and his’ i like this. thank you so so much for your advice its amazingly helpful! Very wise words 🙂

I’m going to be more considerate to my own and his feelings. Hopefully i can soon let my heart let him in fully. I can be a bit of a control freak with my own emotions, i don’t always let myself feel them, which is maybe why im panicking a bit about the start of a ‘love feeling’. I’ve always been the kind of ‘therapist’ friend because  I’m pretty black and white in general which i think people need and appreciate sometimes, i’m never jumping to conclusions or being crazy. Emotions don’t always work this way do they though. Especially as my new boyfriend is really in touch with his emotions (which is great) its fascinating to interact with people who think so differently to me.

– Renn

Hi Anita,

Okay, i shall try and stay level headed. i dont want to make silly descisions or anything just because i get myself in quite a flap about things i dont understand!

maybe that’s the problem  for me at the moment, i’m not so sure i really know what ‘love’ means to me. I’ve not got much life experience, being 20! still learning about these things, although i suppose we all are!

A thought provoking question!

I suppose to me im just basing my ‘love’ off of how i feel like, how i feel when i look at my pet dog right, the same sort of heart expanding feeling, i dont know at all ! sounds so silly when i read it back ahaha!

thank you for your reply!

Renn