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Ruby

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  • May 31, 2017 at 12:40 pm #151420
    Ruby
    Participant

    Hi zee

    sorry I didn’t read your comment before I just replied – I was composing my reply too long I guess. I totally agree with you! I am a total people pleaser and I really wish I wasn’t. I am wondering now whether a lot of my wishes and desires for marriage stems from parental pressure. I’ve always been a bit of an over-achiever and now I feel like I’m not meeting expectations (especially my family’s). My younger sister getting married and having a baby was a big catalyst for me feeling like I want to get married. I now question what that is really about!!! I definitely need to sit down and think about whether I want something for myself or for others deep down. Thanks!

    May 31, 2017 at 12:34 pm #151414
    Ruby
    Participant

    Thanks! You both make some really good points! It’s so weird because I’m not religious (nor do I have a religious family) and there aren’t really any restrictions on us having a family while being married in this country and yet getting married has become my focus. I think even though my family is not religious they hold marriage as highly important. No one in my family has ever divorced (not sure if they’ve wanted to and felt that they couldn’t or anything though!) so I was brought up thinking that marriage was how families worked. Strangely my boyfriend’s family is the same. His parents are still married and seem very happy together. They hold hands in the street still! Perhaps things weren’t always like that with them or maybe he is rebelling against what he grew up with, instead of desiring it like me. I will talk to him more about his past and things though, as there could be more to it that he has never told me. He doesn’t express emotions well (very like my own dad!) and I know there is probably more he is feeling that he hasn’t felt brave enough to tell me. You comments have made me think if I had to choose between a man who is caring and thoughtful but doesn’t want marriage and a man who would get married but not treat me well. I know I would choose the first one. I need to let go of marriage as some sort of ‘achievement’ or ‘happily ever after’ that I see it as, and look at the relationship instead. I love him and I need to remember I have my happily ever after already.

    May 31, 2017 at 9:46 am #151380
    Ruby
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for your response. I guess a big part of my knows that my relationship is more important than what society thinks but I can’t seem to turn off this mental conditioning that makes me want to get married. I am trying to be patient and give him the time he needs to feel ready, and working with him to resolve our issues. And he does say he feels like he’s getting closer to it all the time and that everything we do now is an investment in the future of our relationship, which I do believe. But sometimes I can’t help falling into negative thinking, like am I just fooling myself? I’ve waited 3 years for him to propose, we’ve been together for 10. But is he ever really going to be ready? Should I just end things and try to find someone that already wants a marriage and kids even if it is not this man, who I love so much. What if I left him and never found anyone else who I loved as much? But then What if my marriage obsession makes me throw away a wonderful, respectful, healthy relationship just because he didn’t want to get married. If I didn’t care about being married to him I think we would have just carried on happily and one day have started a family etc when we were ready and at that part in life. We are committed in many ways already (as we joint own the flat and our lives are entwined) so does getting married even matter? Why has this desire to get married and plan my future taken over my life? How can I get over this obsession sand focus on what’s important?

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