Yes Anita, the exam went alright. Not as good as expected, but could’ve been worse. Sorry I wanted to post here, but was just not in a mood to open the laptop. And yup, agreed about the message behind emotions.

I feel increasingly frustrated because people just consider Jerry an obstacle in my life, an obstacle to the only thing I apparently am living for – study, study and more study. I feel ok when I am around with people, anybody at all. But once I am alone, the depression strikes back like a tornado. I cried alone again yesterday when I thought of her, how she used to send sweet messages like “Hello bro, had lunch? How are you feeling? I was so worried when I heard that you had stomach pain… come on FB when you have time. I love you too… I promise I’ll be there with you always.” But she’s not… and it’s all because of me. I’m a good for nothing piece of dirt who treated her like an animal and did not value her love. No wonder she and her sister now consider me a monster and a danger to mankind. I’m sorry… I tried my best not to delve into the self-bashing but my conscience will never ever forgive me for destroying the most beautiful relationship I was ever blessed with. If only I was not greedy to want her as more than a sister, she would still be with me. My heart screams with pain at that thought.

I actually wrote that out of disappointment with her. But good to know I’ve not lost my humour fully still. 😛 Yup that’s very true. Unfortunate thing is, despite knowing the rationale behind it, the torrent of emotions is so overwhelming that they make me succumb to it. When I feel angry or jealous, I’m able to think “I’m feeling this due to the primitive instincts wired into our brain during evolution” for example, but it’s not able to prevent me from losing my temper. Feels quite ironical.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

No time for walks in the evening, because I come home late and anyway there’s too much traffic and pollution at that time. I too wish I had only positive emotions in my heart. I just don’t understand where all this bitterness, anger and bile is now coming from. I keep mulling over her and her sister’s words in my head and keep fantasizing about what more violent replies I should’ve given them, and then I’m reminded of our fond memories and abruptly all the negativity vanishes and I pray we’re just reunited somehow. My blood boils at the thought of her cousin, even though his only fault is… loving his sister? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I almost scream at my brain to just shut up and stop thinking anything for some time, give me a damn break from everything. But it doesn’t work. I’ve been trying to meditate but failing miserably.

Great to know about the thread. 🙂

I still love her and I know I always will. I wish by some miracle she understood that what she’s doing is not right. I can’t help going over all those past incidents in my mind, and it makes me miserable. My schedule just involves waking up at 5:30 AM, going for a morning walk until 7:00, then off to the library and classes from 9:00 to 6:00 PM, dinner and revision, and sleeping by 10:30. Absolutely nothing in between. Though I’m watching a few movies to take my mind off things but the effect is only temporary. Got an important exam on Sunday… my parents and teachers have such high expectations from me. Dunno how it’ll go.

I know. Even if I managed to hide my feelings for now, years later when the inevitable news of her engagement/marriage to someone else came, I’m quite sure all this hell would’ve broken loose. Moreover, her sister said that going by my old comments about our favourite actor looking pretty, both of them feel I’ve got a hidden nasty side right from the beginning. I can’t help but think that she’d been somehow harbouring these suspicions in some corner of her subconscious mind, no matter how strong our bond and love was. In that case, whatever happened was for the good in a way and if I’m blessed enough to see our bond mend someday, perhaps these false feelings can be eradicated as well for a genuinely improved relationship. At least I can hope and pray.

Yup… and it’s the exam for the largest and most coveted institute in our country. Though the chances of me cracking it are pretty slim considering all the Einsteins in the race, I haven’t got anything to lose as most of my focus now is on studies only. I’ll surely keep your tips in mind and go along with them. Not too keen on showers but I’m trying to take regular breaks and de-stress every few hours. Watching cartoons and reading light novels once in a while seems to be helping.

It’s true. I do agree that our childhood has a major impact on what we become. It’s just that I feel dreadful thinking about the things I did to bring this hell upon myself, how much everything would’ve been different if I had excised more sense and patience. I don’t feel upbringing is a sufficient explanation for getting so bitter and jealous seeing someone loving her cousin, for example, despite knowing I was the only one she gave such a special place in her heart to, though I’m not blood family and knew her only for 2.5 years. Even now I get thoughts like “she must be enjoying herself lying in the arms of that incestuous creep day and night ever since she left you”. I myself am disgusted by it, but I cannot do anything. I feel that’s some deep ugliness in me that goes beyond the upbringing issue, which produces disgusting thoughts like this. Either way, I just truly want to change myself in every way.

I know. But the damage my anger caused and still causes, is very real too and I don’t feel many people will try to understand my situation and be sympathetic. Jerry surely didn’t. Neither will anyone I get into a fight with when having a particularly bad mood swing. And the damage caused to my career is something that cannot be fully undone either. Next year, it’ll be 10 years since I passed out of school and since then I’ve been stuck in the very same situation. No college, no studies, nothing. Just running fools’ errands and wild goose chases thanks to this situation at home.

I’m not letting anyone force me to do anything anymore, but I’m not able to gather enough momentum to study the way I need to do, in order to qualify the exam. The exhaustion, frustration and mood swings are greatly affecting me.

That’s true. It’s not humanly possible to remain stoic for long when the stress gets unbearable. But the anger expressing itself in unhealthy ways and causing damage to me and innocents around me, that’s really bad too. I dunno what other way I can use to channel out the anger and not let this collateral damage occur. At the very least, for sake of my health. A single bout of temper causes me exhaustion and headache for the rest of the day, not to mention inability to study.

I’ve been having the hair fall since 2009 or so due to a bad fungal infection in the scalp, and my grandma didn’t let me get it treated saying the doctor will make it worse. Needless to say, thinning hair does nothing to boost my confidence. It also doesn’t help that I’m getting morbidly overweight and I just do not have the motivation to exercise anymore. Dad keeps asking me to come for workout, but I don’t. I guess it’s time to get down to it somehow, because it’s elevating the health issues and affecting my studies. I feel so exhausted that I’m not able to study at night anymore.