Actually, what the “friend” shared with her wasn’t offensive in general terms. I had merely expressed that my feelings for Jerry were no longer brotherly, and I perhaps should accept my changed feelings for her. However, she feels hurt and offended because she told me before that I’m the only boy apart from her cousin that she ever talks to, she always distrusted being with boys but it was only me who won her love and trust to this extent, and therefore she loved me as a brother and hopes I’ll always be this way. I did not have any ill will when I realized I loved her more than a sister. I did not lust for her, or flirt or say any cheap things (at least not intentionally). My respect and care for her remain the same, if not more. But she obviously feels betrayed that the only boy she ever loved so much as a brother, now developed romantic feelings for her (for lack of a better word – I’m not a romantic person as such). 🙁

This is exactly the problem. All those words of regret and apology, I must’ve her told her a thousand times now. And I did mean them… but the foul temper always gets the worst of me and the incidents repeat. She has no reason to believe in my sincerity. 🙁 I did tell her she means a lot to me… I avoided too much contact recently, both out of respect for her feelings, out of guilt and making sure things cool down and I improve myself and make myself worthy too. The brother-sister thing is over, I don’t feel we can ever be that way again. I cannot stop loving her either. My only wish is to push back my feelings for now and be friends with her again, when she is willing and I’ve changed myself. Everything else can be considered later.

I feel that avoiding contact completely might cause our bond to decay. Is it true? I messaged her yesterday after a gap of 5 days, am hoping to message again on Wednesday on a festival here. After that, I really dunno how to proceed. I need guidance.

I messaged her this today – “I still consider you a wonderful and unique friend. I’ve pushed back my feelings as I believe in our bond and its most important for me. Though I have no right to ask, I hope you eventually will agree to be friends again. I care for you too, always.” Hope it’s not inappropriate. My inexperience with relationships shows clearly. 🙁

You’re very right, Anita. That’s why I chose not to go for more professional counseling, especially in my place where corruption is predominant. Perhaps would be just a waste of money and time, making the situation worse. I indeed am trying my best to be honest as I have nothing to hide here, nobody knows I’m here. I should mention though, I’m here more for her and not just for myself. Not boasting but I honestly find that I’m much more motivated to work for something after knowing that I’m doing it for someone I love. She had said to me, “please be with me always”. Though she won’t admit it now, I know what I meant to her too in her tough times. I know how much she’s hurt, all due to me. I truly do want to make up for my sins and earn back the right to be with her. Not just for my happiness, but hers too.

Regarding fighting back, I’m not sure but it might have something to do with something I suffered at a young age. There was a guy who used to beat me up in school for fun, and when I went home crying, my parents told me not to fight back, or the teacher will consider me guilty too. Just report him to her. I didn’t do it as I was afraid of the strict teacher, and afraid that the guy will get angry that I told on him and hit me even harder when he finds me alone. So I endured this bullying for about 2-3 years until I finally got sick of it and decided to strike back. Funnily, the only time I’ve ever hit anyone physically in my life to this day. There were a few more incidents in higher classes later where some mouthy guy insulted my family and my response was apparently insufficient; a “friend” goaded me saying – “Look, he insulted your family and this is all you respond? You’re a spineless worm, a loser, a (insert demeaning noun)”. This same guy and his friends filled my head with such rubbish for 2 years… “you’re useless as your grandmother has turned you into a dummy, you can’t even drive a bicycle properly, nobody will ever like you…”.

The neighbour incident also counts, yes. I suspect this is what instilled subconsciously in me, this desire to “fight back” unreasonably, even when its overkill. Because in those days I spent myself brooding over my friends’ words calling me a coward for long, fantasizing about what I should’ve done so people didn’t think I am a wimp. I guess my brain, after perceiving an insult from Jerry though she intended none, just told me “if you let her get away with it, you’ll hail yourself as a wimp forever.” She’s just an innocent victim of the detestable person that I’ve become. 🙁

You are right regarding that, Anita. It’s true that the way I grew up, being confined and under much restrictions, developed this attitude in me without my conscious knowing. It might even be genetic as some of my family members have been known to act this way. But what’s done, is done. I can try to avoid being controlled now, but I don’t know how to eliminate my temper, intentionally misconstruing others’ words to be offended and such awful attitude. Like if Jerry said, “I don’t like you behaving like this”, I could’ve agreed and tried to change instead of taking it as a slight on my ego.

I wish to do my best to change myself for the better, at least sufficiently not to let anybody else be hurt due to me, and my relationships not be harmed. I also am at a loss for how to reunite with Jerry, to make up for hurting her and letting her know I truly do care for her, am willing to change myself for her.

Dear Anita, thank you so much again. I agree with most of what you said. I’ve already learned to simply do what my gut feels is right, without telling them unless its absolutely necessary. I do know my parents have my best interests at heart, and they did sacrifice a whole lot for me. Unfortunately, from my personal observations they simply are not the best at being practical and therefore sometimes make questionable decisions I have no choice but to follow. I hope with better communication to them, we can work out those eventually.

But I truly dislike blaming others for my behaviour. No matter what is my past, background or upbringing, as you said, I’m an adult and if I truly respected Jerry and considered her feelings, how could I ever say such awful things to her? No matter what my upbringing was, I should have had enough self control to not let my temper dominate, not let certain words come up on my lips at all. Here’s a very watered down version of what I said to her:

“You’ve forgotten your place. Nobody abuses my parents. If you don’t shut your filthy mouth about them, may your tongue rot and may you (insert horrible fate). Do you want them to die of (insert fatal disease)? Don’t worry, my mother already has a critical condition and you might get your wish sooner than you expect. Goodbye.”

It’s not even the only time I spoke to her so rudely… it’s happened countless times in the past year, though not this violent. I loathe and despise myself for treating such a sweet, gentle, kind-hearted and loving girl in this manner. If it were anybody else in her place, they’d have left me long ago. I doubt anybody who ever saw these foul messages of mine could ever believe I truly love her. The right of whether to forgive me or not is hers… but unless I root out my anger from the core and repent for my vile deeds in every possible way, I truly don’t feel I deserve to be with her, even if she forgives me. I Googled about “abusive relationships” and everything I did matches with what I found. I truly loathe what I’ve become.

You’re right to a good extent I feel. She does repeatedly say “none of you care about me” even though we try our best to be with her. However she does not know about Jerry; not even my parents do. I’ve not told anybody in real life about her, though I did hint ambiguously to my parents.

Yup, that’s kind of true regarding my family’s general approach to things. I don’t like going out much anyway but yes, being isolated turned me into even more of a recluse and I sometimes feel I’m not even half as mature as a 26 year old would be expected. I don’t even talk to girls or like to be around them in real life. I doubt anyone close to me here would believe I’m in love with one. 😛

There indeed is a strong message in the dying part, yes. I am very protective of those I love. Like, protective to insane levels. I see insults against them everywhere, even when not intended. Another incident: in that TV show forum, we had once tried holding a birthday celebration of my favourite actor together with a veteran actor in the show (they share birthdays). When the latter’s fans began getting rude saying stuff like, “How dare you do this, is your XYZ as important as our respected veteran?” I posted there, “According to you people, is she a dirty *censored* and not even fit to be called a human being?” Same with the incident regarding my other friend. My brain interpreted her jealousy towards the girl I love (let’s just call her Jerry) as something insanely exaggerated and it got that response from me.

In the past, many of my arguments with Jerry used to go like this:

Jerry – Look, they were just defensive about their favourite actor since he’s a veteran and understandably deserves most attention. They spoke well of her in the past too. Your reaction was out of line.
Me – If they respected her, they wouldn’t have said things like (insert quotes of those people). But yeah, after all she’s just a useless piece of *censored*, what does it matter right?
Jerry – Don’t you use such words for her! Even they didn’t do it! And you’re not the only one who cares for her, even I do! I don’t like you behaving like this.
Me – Of course, you don’t like anything about me. I’m just a *censored* and I hope I don’t wake up alive tomorrow, I merely trouble you all. Goodbye!

Then I would storm off and in the morning there would be a hundred apology messages from her saying, “Bro I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that! I love you.” I would feel really bad and apologize to her too. But incidents like this happened not just once, or twice… literally hundreds of times. Anyone else in her place would’ve left me long ago. I took her love for granted, clearly. Though I always felt genuinely bad for my behaviour and truly love and care for her, I don’t feel anyone who ever looks at my behaviour can feel it’s true.

It may be hard to believe, but to this day my grandmother never let me drive a vehicle out of fear of accidents. She never let me go to friends’ homes saying I could be kidnapped on the way. I’m not allowed to go even to the shops right in front of my house, or even to go to the terrace to talk on phone as I apparently might fall down the stairs. If I’m late in coming home from classes, she always makes a huge fuss about not being on time for lunch/dinner, says that it’s better if I quit college as nutrition is more important (I’m truly not exaggerating). It just makes me feel dumb and like a toddler, when she does this. I can understand overprotectiveness but even then this is extreme.

I’m 26 and she’s 20. No, she’s in a state much further from my place. But honestly, distance is not the problem. I had asked her if we could meet when I was visiting the place earlier, but she flat out refused and even asked me not to mail her any gifts, because her family is extremely conservative (you know about the Indian culture and all) and if they ever find out she’s gotten so close to someone from the Internet, the consequences will be dreadful. And apart from that, she herself isn’t willing to accept my feelings.