Ya, MD it is. Though technically speaking, people do get married while doing postgrad so crossing undergrad is all that’s really vital. Because in our field a job is pretty much guaranteed after joining postgrad.

Regarding my anger, I did try to be assertive. But almost always they get on my nerves and my self-restraint cracks. Also, even if I manage to be assertive to them, I am just sick of this voice in my head I mentioned. Which tries to prod me to reply rudely to Jerry. If only that voice is eliminated, almost definitely I’ll be able to control my anger.

Your suggestion about talking to her dad has made me much thoughtful. I can see the logic and clear rationale behind it and I agree that in the ideal situation, it would surely work for the good of both of us. Unfortunately, there are a whole lot of factors in reality that serve as obstacles currently.

1. My sinking career. Nobody would ever even consider taking the words of someone in my condition seriously. This makes me all the more upset at my family because much of it is their fault, and mine too. 🙁
2. I really don’t know much about her dad at this point. Though from what little I know he’s definitely a very decent and good person, it’s not sufficient. She made it clear that she does not want them to find out about our relation. If I tell him, she could feel betrayed. What if after going home, he gets angry on her for keeping contact with me in secret and all kinds of chaos follows?
3. I don’t feel he’ll empathize with me if I reveal about the fights we had. Because those fights are seriously ugly. He’d only be indignant about me, a stranger from the Internet, ill-treating his daughter like this. I can imagine him telling me to stay away from her or they’ll call the police if they find me talking to her again.
4. I will have to go to her city to meet him and all, which is currently impossible for me as I’m dependent on parents for everything. For all I know, he might already have planned to get her married to some family friend’s son or whatever. I just have no idea. In such a case if I go forth, it’ll be futile. Maybe I should know the situation first, then think accordingly. I really am not sure.

This doesn’t mean I’m not considering your idea. It is practical in the right circumstances and I’m really grateful for it, Anita. Just that these above points and possibly many more, need to be taken into account too. And as I keep stressing, she’s currently not talking to me at all and it’s unsure what’ll happen. At present at least, contacting her father is impossible for me. Praying that these dark times are resolved and I am on good terms with Jerry again, this is something that might be considered much later. But even then, my career issue is critical. That’s what everybody looks at in India and elsewhere. And currently, due to my depression, I’m not motivated to study at all.

She often keeps talking through the door. Dad advises me to just keep quiet in that situation and usually she stops after five minutes or so. 😛 Of course these incidents are rare now. It happened yesterday because I hadn’t washed, eaten or done anything except lying locked up in my room, not studying at all. I will surely keep your advise in mind in case it happens again. But I was just sad to see that despite all my practice, my patience crumbled again due to depression and I lost my temper. If/when I am blessed to be with Jerry again, I do not wish this to happen again at any cost. I want to keep up the practice of assertiveness and being calm until I can finally weed out this inner ugliness and get victory over my negative qualities, for her.

I couldn’t help but smile reading your second paragraph. My immediate thought was a “NO!”… that’s due to my present lack of confidence. But if I make something out of my life and work on eliminating my negativity, and becoming a good and self-sufficient man… then yes, I could hopefully muster the courage to do it for her. But that is nothing but a mere fantasy as of now. The grim reality is that I hurt her, she is upset regarding my behaviour and feelings and not talking to me since nearly three weeks now. The very essential thing I’m praying for right now is being back on speaking terms with her first. And then, with my newfound determination to change myself, rebuild our relation/friendship. Everything else comes much later.

Yes, my dad is much more passive and though he’s not much more understanding either, he does care for my feelings enough to leave me alone and not say anything if he feels it’ll hurt me (with rare exceptions). I told my mom to leave me alone at least 20 times today and each time she pushed me more and more with all kinds of non-stop lecturing. It’s what used to annoy me a lot even in years before and she just doesn’t understand. I do understand she’s worried about my future but after all I had assured her that I’ll study when my mind is at peace. And truthfully, if I do wish to be with Jerry then qualifying these exams is crucial, to make a good career and be good enough for her family. But I just can’t find the motivation to study due to this situation.

I can’t say whether Jerry had been worried about this all along. She appeared very shocked when she finally found out about my feelings, but then I don’t understand why she said that “I had to talk since the call was costing you money” thing regarding our phone call; trying to deny that she felt comfortable talking to me. I did feel that blocking me in this manner was an overreaction. Dunno whether she’d have done it with anybody or because she truly loved me as a brother. Then again, I presently am only worried about being back on speaking terms with her again. The relationship part comes far later. I probably would not be feeling so upset about this situation had our last interaction not been that awful fight and all the horrible things I said. I just pray this is resolved amicably and we’re on good grounds together again.

Thanks Anita for going through my posts and replying so thoughtfully. I agree with most of the points you’ve put forward here and they do ring a bell with me. Here’s what I feel.

1. Yes, this is what I feel about my anger. Unfortunately the despair is causing my resolve to crumble. Like today, nearly half the time my parents were at my back demanding what topics I’ve studied today, what’s left, what more needs to be done, we’re worried that you’re wasting precious time, nothing is more important than studies, there’s very little time left for exams, so study, study, study. I’m already broken due to this issue and this became unbearable and I lost my temper. I tried to be assertive but they didn’t understand and went on and on (especially my mom) about how studies-are-the-purpose-of-life and what not. What could I do?

2. It’s true. Sadly, the use of past tense really makes me feel awful. I just wish that at the end of everything, our bond survives and we remain good friends at least. Maybe even a brother-sister again someday… but may this not be the end. Only you have understood what she means to me. I’m sick of everyone else lecturing me about “Come on, life stops for nobody, there are things more important than her, you must live happily for your parents.” Not a single person except you and possibly one more friend understood what she means to me.

3. This I understand and accepted from the day I realized my feelings for her. Like I said, I do feel that when you act right from your side and believe in your heart, sometimes unexpected miracles happen. Not that I was counting on one, but for me just being with her, even as a friend is far more important than a relationship as my heart wishes for.

4. This is true again. I can’t help but wonder if this was the reason that knowing about my feelings resulted in such a reaction from her.

5. This point is a far cry from now. My priority is simply making up to her and reuniting with her. Everything else including this, we can worry about later.

6. I know. But I truly do want to make up for it and make her happy… compensate for what I did. This is different from the relationship part. And I truly wish to change myself. I do not want to lose her. I prefer to die than losing her, I mean it.

I do deserve this pain, Anita. It’s the bitter truth, but truth alright. Whatever may be the faults of my upbringing… it does not change what I did. Even some of the terrorists who cause so many innocent deaths all around the world seem to sympathetic if you examine their background, but the damage they caused cannot be undone. Jerry is one of the sweetest, kindest, most innocent and soft-hearted, genuinely loving, loyal and devoted human beings on this planet. I’m not saying it just because I love her. It’s the truth that I’ve known from a long time, even before I realized I’m in love with her. Despite knowing everything, it was I who caused fights on petty issues (such as what to post on our Facebook page) and kept away my phone in anger knowing well she was sending sorry messages relentlessly, probably crying on her end while I sat like an obstinate creature ignoring everything, replying when I felt like it. Or I sent her some 10-page long, emotionally hurtful message and threatened to never talk to her again, turned off the phone in anger knowing well that by the morning she’ll have sent a million sorry messages even if it wasn’t her fault at all. Such incidents happened not once but literally thousands of times. Is it not emotional abuse, manipulation and mind games of the worst sort? If this is not karma for my vile deeds, I dunno what is. I accept it and I know I only am responsible for this sweet girl to feel so hurt and act towards me this way. Every human being has emotional limits and I crossed hers a million times like a selfish beast and she loved me enough to forgive me silently time and again, though she has emotions too. All these thoughts are killing me and making every second of my existence a living hell.

Yes, she blocked me after she found out from our friend that I had these feelings from her. I do feel it was too much and she could’ve just talked to me…but I cannot blame her for her reaction even if it hurts me. I already hurt her very badly, too much like you can read above. If she felt this was just another attempt of mine to hurt her, she’s well justified to feel that way after my deeds. Moreover, she told me that she does not like talking to boys at all other than her brother, and I’m the only one exception because we developed such a sweet bond over these years. It’s the truth, I myself observed that almost everyone else she ever talked to are girls. She loved me as a brother and it’s natural that she expected me to feel the same way for her. She said to me – “I did not expect this from you. I don’t feel we ever shared anything personal and we always spoke just about our favourite show and actor. I said nothing for you to be justified to feel this way for me.” As you know, the second part is wrong because we did share a lot of personal things, which she now doesn’t wish to admit. But she seems to feel I misinterpreted some of her words as romantic signals and decided to push forward, when in fact it isn’t true and the feelings are mine alone. I knew she’d not accept my feelings, that’s why I didn’t express them to her. I don’t know how to make her understand this, now that she’s not even talking to me.

She’s also very offended by me sharing my feelings to our friends, saying “It’s completely unacceptable to me that you shared our private matters to the whole world. Do you think I should keep quiet when you go around telling people behind my back that you have romantic feelings for me?” In fact I had been careful not to share any “private” things she told me to them. I did not share my feelings to the “whole world”, but just 2 people whom we both consider our sisters. I gave her my reasons for doing it – because I knew she won’t accept my feelings. Am I not a human being? For how long can I bottle up my emotions inside me? Did I not have a right to share it with a selected few people we both consider family? It’s not like I started spreading gossip or rumours about her, for heaven’s sake. I don’t know why she can’t try to understand this. I know it’s all my fault. If I had not hurt her like a monster so many times, maybe she’d have been much softer and more understanding. It’s my karma and nothing else.

Out of my anger, apart from the horrible things I said to her, I also exited our Facebook page and groups, which hurt her too. I made a mess of the most loving and prized relation of my life and I could give my life to just have her back… but I see nothing but darkness ahead. I cannot bear with this cursed life anymore.

Yes that’s what. I wish I was different… that I had no anger issues and all. But what’s done is done and now I’m finding it extremely hard to control. Once again the temper is getting the better of me. I had messaged Jerry festival greetings with much hope and spent the whole day looking at my silent new message-less phone with false hopes. I made the mistake of going to our forum and looking at her new posts there… posts we normally used to make together. Heck, even if I find a random 2014 or 2015 date scribbled in my notebook or somewhere, I find myself thinking “that was the time when she was still with me.” Right now again my parents started the “you’re living only for studying like all other students” lecture. I’m going into deeper depression than anyone can imagine and spent the whole day locked in my room alone. My parents were speaking among themselves something like, “See? He’s giving priorities to other things and stopped studying again. He’ll not pass the exams again. All our hard efforts will be wasted.” I’m getting extremely irritated and angry at small things again (like grandma pestering me to have food) and whatever little I had progressed over the last week is crashing down.

My friends tell me “don’t worry about Jerry, one day you will find ‘the one’ meant for you”. Of course people will feel I’m just immature and just infatuated with her… how can anyone understand what she means to me, including her? How can I tell anyone that she is “the one” and I will never love anyone else like I love her? It’s easy enough to say stuff like go out, meet other people, there are so many girls in the world and eventually find the right one, you’re just inexperienced that’s why you’re saying this, first love isn’t always correct, etc etc. Firstly I just was never interested in romance/dating and I had never set out to find “the one”. I may not be a love guru or anything, but I trust my inner message as to what she means to me. I know we did not meet and grow close for no reason. I know I will never love anyone else the way I love her. I know even if faced with temptations to love someone else, I’ll forever follow the right path and not the easy one. She has my loyalty and my love forever. I either want to be with her, or go to the grave with my heart’s desire unfulfilled. No middle path.

Sorry for the outburst, but I’m in terrible depression from yesterday and all the people who had promised to be with me forever, I find them sending just smileys or a “hmmmm” or “I don’t know, you do what you feel right” when I confide my feelings to them. Not flattering Anita but its only you, whom I’ve known for barely a week, who’s been most understanding to me in this darkest phase of my life.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

Yes Anita. I need to use those tools to the fullest in order to control the rage. At least I’m trying in little ways to make it more effective. Like today while returning home, my dad took a wrong turn at a place that caused us to get stuck in a jam. I got irritated a blurted out a word I had sworn not to use. So decided to punish myself by cutting down snacks tonight. Feels almost childish but I just want to leave no stone unturned. 😛 And am maintaining that diary regularly.

That’s a plausible explanation, though I’m not sure if that’s it. My mom never really disliked me being close to friends and all… but grandma did, though she doesn’t admit it. The last line you wrote – “to love is to possess, to be loved is to be possessed” does ring a bell uncomfortably, though. I vividly remember that “she is MINE, I wish I was her only brother, I wish all that love was MINE only” feeling. What baffles me is, I had never felt this way for anyone else, no matter how much I liked them. Here, however, I could not even stand them having a conversation, no matter how short. If she did not reply me on messenger, I used to automatically feel she’s chatting with him. If she was offline on messenger, I used to feel she’s chatting on Facebook. If offline on both places, I felt she’s admiring his photos on Instagram or talking on phone. I used to keep checking if he’s online, and when he came, kept demanding her what she’s doing, whom she’s talking with. Needless to say, she didn’t like this pathological obsession of mine at all and it only made things worse. And the incident I mentioned in my first post (her Liking his photos) finally broke the dam. I got forcibly angry, saying that this proves she loves him far more than me and never truly considered me a brother… no wonder she was so hurt and upset. I regret all of it so badly.

I just wish I had the courage to accept my true feelings earlier, so that much of this above fiasco could’ve been avoided. I had bee trying to forget all this. But after your suggestion about trying to understand what message my anger/frustration has been giving me, I’m trying to decipher the message in this. Perhaps it may be relevant in helping win over the chronic anger.

Yes, taking a break is what I had practiced last year and for a good while it did work. I had read this story about a monk who sat with his hands folded with a bottle of alcoholic drink in front of him, and told his disciples – “I cannot control my inner craving for the drink from manifesting in my mind, but as long as my hands are tightly folded, the craving alone can’t make me commit any wrong.” I had tried just that. When I was talking to Jerry and any situation seemed to have taken a dangerous turn, I just left the phone aside and went back after cooling down. On some occasions it worked… and on others, when the thing got too far, the inner voice yelling “coward” forced me to react. And sadly cooling down sometimes takes time for me too. Like after our last argument, it took me 2 days to get off the anger, that too after she sent her soft message.

I don’t consider myself intelligent or anything. 😛 But ya, an emotional fool I surely am. At least I didn’t know what to do when they – someone I love very much – staged a drama, after I had said that doing something else is better than staying in that college, saying – “I hate this wretched life, I hope I (insert horrible fate) so that in my next life I can get a doctor for a son”. And after I broke down, hugged me saying they did the drama just to elicit this response from me, and are sorry as they have my best interests at heart. I really didn’t like it but I did not have the heart to say or do anything except going with the flow. I’m bearing the consequences now… in fact, we all are. I just do not wish to see my career go down the drain and even more not see myself losing Jerry. I will definitely take charge.