You’re right Anita. Growing up in an incubated environment means that I have no skills to handle discomfort. Truthfully speaking, physical pain I can handle, at least I had some experience in that regard (not that I invite it). But emotional pain overwhelms me. Obviously being brought up as though I’m a delicate flower that will wither upon the slightest touch of a dewdrop doesn’t do much to boost my self-confidence. But more than that, it’s also true that I have never loved someone to the extent that I love Jerry. Not to mention my guilt for being the monster I was/am. I’m someone who still can’t hold back tears during that infamous scene in Lion King. You can imagine how badly this present situation is affecting me.

I did try my best to complete two or three topics today. Just tried to focus on the text while studying and eventually found I was just staring at the same line for an hour without thinking, my mind elsewhere. When the depression and memories struck, closed the door and relieved myself two or three times. Could not do anything about the crushing sensation… just sat passively and tried to tell myself, “It’s a test of your patience and love for her. As long as you work sincerely to change yourself and study, she will come back. It’s not the end.” I dunno what more I can do. It’s really painful.

I know it’s an opportunity to make myself emotionally stronger. But it’s taking a toll on m, physically and mentally. I know I deserve this pain for my misdeeds. I don’t know how to measure my progress, if I’ve become any better than I was when I did all that.

I know. Last night, her health suddenly deteriorated and I was so worried. I’m trying to focus on studies, but both these issues bog down my mind and it’s proving to be so hard. It’s almost like everything bad is happening at once this year and I’m finding it unbearable to handle all together. 🙁

There’s a door, yes. But they come in to check sometimes if I’m studying or wasting time (the computer and all are in the same room). I don’t like keeping it locked as I go out once in a while to get fresh air. I guess if I really have to pursue my goal to qualify the exams, then it’s not so much of an issue. I’ve already wasted two months due to my possessiveness issue, which was far less critical then what I’m facing now. I dunno how to make up all the pending work in just about a month. On top of it I have no motivation to study, I just keep brooding over the same issue and hating myself. I hope working hard until exams and working on improving myself can at least be some penace for my evil behaviour.

Thanks a lot for the support, Anita. Really means more to me than I can express.

Yes. This was barely a week back and very much is still continuing. I’m sitting in my room like a living corpse, refusing meals and crying over memories of her, and all my parents are worried about is how much “valuable time” I am wasting, time in which I could’ve solved another two hundred precious MCQs on atomic structure or oxidative phosphorylation. When I get angry saying that I’m expected to be working like a robot with no emotions, I’m told – “Don’t say that! What about your friends who are scoring 99% in all practice tests? Are they not humans with emotions too? But see, they give priorities to studies and put everything back. They’ll qualify the exams and unless you work equally hard and push back this issue for now, you won’t.” Then when I persist, mom says – “OK fine, we’ll put aside your studies for now. Tell me, who’s this person you love so much and are so worried about? We’ll make friends with them, convince them to forgive you and talk to you again.” I was so flabbergasted at this that I didn’t even know what to say.

OK I do understand how crucial this exam is, why my parents are so concerned as I’ve nearly ruined my career already, and they’re working very hard to make sure I get the best facilities. I do agree that a good job is vital to earn respect in society and life. I just did not expect mom to brush aside a clearly serious issue regarding my personality flaws so lightly, and ignore the fact that I’m suicidal and half dead due to depression and grief, all they care is that I could’ve studied more in that time and not the fact that I’m being crushed with anguish. This just hurt me a lot.

This is indeed very true. Right now I have been trying to recall even a single instance when my family ever blamed me for something wrong I did at school or elsewhere. The only incidents I can recall are… not studying well enough, not following their wishes, that painful “I wish I have a son for a doctor in my next life” drama I mentioned earlier. I don’t think they ever told me to correct my behaviour towards others. Even if any teacher or student ever said a word against me in school, they immediately went there to fight with them without even waiting to fully know the situation. I myself got so tired of this that I stopped telling them about school incidents soon after. Like if I failed to do my homework and the teacher made me stand outside the class, I can never imagine my family even reprimanding me for not doing my work and ensuring I did it, rather they’d lament over the extreme torture my delicate legs had to endure for those 30 minutes.

I have always accepted that this kind of behaviour – being angry, not having a filter over my mouth and saying awful and abusive things is wrong. I hated myself for it, I felt seriously bad for Jerry and more than once resolved to never do it again and make her as happy as I could. I did succeed in making her happy too but such incidents occurred again periodically too. I just don’t know why I’m not able to stop myself when something “ticks” me off (in this case, a perceived insult towards family). That “inner voice” kept saying – “yes, it is an insult! If you try to ignore that it’s an insult, and be quiet, I will hail you as a coward forever for failing to defend them!” It was forcing me to say even worse things, but my rational side stopped me saying – “if you say that to her, then whatever chance you stand of reuniting with her will be gone too. ENOUGH.” The only thing I’m glad for.

I cannot be gentle with myself so easily. I only visualize poor Jerry crying quietly alone after reading this vile poison I sent her and I am reminded that nobody but me is directly responsible for this situation. If I had been harsh with myself from the beginning and severely punished myself for abusing her, forced myself to improve day and night, none of this would’ve ever happened.

I’ll keep that in mind, yes. Sorry again.

Vile is really an understatement to what my message is. It’s not human. This is just what I was saying/thinking… if her family ever saw these messages I sent to her, what would he think of me? Would they not feel I am just another of the cyber monsters who pollute Internet boards? Would her father ever even think of letting us be in contact again, let alone what we discussed? Even my friends were so disgusted after this and one of them did not talk to me for long. I kept saying to her, I hurt you and don’t deserve to be with you. She always replied – “you do deserve to be with me, because I know the good in you and otherwise I wouldn’t still be here. I just want you to promise me to change and never say such things again.” Is there even a word for how beautiful her heart is? How innocent, kind, loving and faithful her soul is?

I was reading the “ghosting” topic on our forum here and I know I did that as well. I ask myself for one good reason why I still deserve to be with a girl like her… and I hear nothing but a ringing silence. My heart doesn’t even feel that she must forgive me now. I feel within that it’s best for her to go away from a vicious monster like me and be with people who’ll love and care for her, never hurt her the way I did. She kept saying, “please don’t be like this, it depresses me, everyone in my family knows I’m sensitive and nobody ever treated me like this”, and yet she stayed with me and bore all my viciousness without comment until finally I crossed the limits. I know I cannot live without her… and yet, can anybody who sees this ugliness ever feel that I love her? Is it not utter selfishness on my part to still pray for her to come back to me, despite all that I did to her? Thinking all this I just wish I had a cyanide pill or something in handy, these three weeks. I truly am sick of what I am, you can see why.

My grandma actually had a grudge against that boy because in one of the previous classes, his mom used to be the class teacher and for some reason (jealousy or sadism, whatever) kept beating me up for minor reasons and a few times, he unnecessarily told on me to her. Still, I agree it was an extreme reaction from my grandma to talk of him dying and all. Could it be genetic? It truly does make me sick in every way.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

Elle, this was actually the first time she stopped talking to me. Previously, no matter how much she was hurt, she never cut contact or said even a word against me (even now, she didn’t other than “you’re playing with my emotions”… the only thing she ever said to this day). Let me tell exactly what was the last fight we had (not even a fight; it was one-sided with me being the foul-mouthed aggressor).

Jerry – Admit it, you have romantic feelings for me.
Me – No, I don’t. I consider you my sister.
Jerry – The kind of things you’ve been saying to me, does one say to family? Do you keep saying “you’re always in my heart, you’re my dearest parents” to your parents, for example?
Me – Let’s leave my parents out of this, please.
Jerry – Then why do you keep dragging my cousin brother into this topic?
Me – Did I ever insult your dear cousin? If you want to abuse my parents, don’t worry; my mother is already suffering from a disease that might cause her death in a few years. You’ll get your wish sooner than you expect. Kindly shut your filthy mouth now; if you want my loved ones to die of c@nc3r, go wish for it alone and not in front of me. Whatever ill you are wishing, may you bear the fruits of it. May your tongue rot for wishing them ill. My fault to love a *censored* like you. Goodbye!

And after this, she sent me this message via someone – “Please tell him if possible that I never wished ill for his parents or family. I thought my message was clear, but still sorry if he felt bad. Though he hurt me with the bad words he used, I’ll forever pray for him and wish him well.”

It hurt me a lot to rewrite that message. But I cut nothing out. I just want to show, how extreme and uncalled for my reaction was when she said nothing at all to warrant such a response. And this happened for almost the 1000th time by now. I treat even other people in this manner at times. It’s a psychological problem of mine, and I hurt innocent people and loved ones due to it. I’m not exaggerating when I say there isn’t a girl like her in this universe, to put up with my vicious behaviour and still love and respect me so much.

Thanks for your advice and good wishes. Means a lot to me. 🙂

Thanks Anita. I know that thinking out of the box is the only way for any hope in this situation. There’s so much more before that, though. I don’t think anybody who sees those horrible messages I sent to Jerry can ever think I am a loving or lovable person, most definitely her family won’t think so. Neither do any virtues excuse me of what I did. I know it’s of no use living in the past… but unless Jerry returns to me and I give her ten times the happiness to make up for my behavior, my conscience will not stop stabbing me within. I keep thinking of how normally at this time, she used to send me those sweet “Hiii bro… did you have lunch? How are you? Come let’s talk on Facebook, see what I found…” messages and now my phone is lying silent as a grave, I was enough of a *censored* to unfriend her on Facebook without thinking and have deactivated my account as I can’t bear going there… I cannot hold back the tears thinking of my sweetie. I just wish to have her back and make up for my behaviour, be on talking terms at least. If I ever underestimate her love and her vitality in my heart again, may I be reminded of these cursed and infernal days before I allow my vile lips/fingers to utter/type a single harsh word.

I’m just trying to convince my heart somehow that it’s not over, that she’ll be back and in order to move forward, I need a good career and right now I need to study hard for my exams in May. But it’s proving too hard due to the depression and fear.