Thank you so much for response and insight. I really appreciate it. I have tried to learn why he is the he is..I discussed his childhood with him, wasn’t the greatest. I figured he had to go deep within and figure out and deal with the root cause. His parents separated, father remarried and he lived with his father’s parents and later on lived with father and step mother.. step mother wasn’t very nice to him and his father was very religious . His whole family were religious and followed certain beliefs and they scared him and instilled a lot of fear in him regarding those beliefs..it’s like he was living in a box. He agrees that certain beliefs are crazy and he admitted the fear they instilled in him…yet, he doesn’t seem to want to let go of it. He  identifies himself with his religion. So it seems like he will never change as long he holds on to this.

We wanted to get married, however i got pregnant before that can happen. He follows a particular religion and I don’t really follow one. I was asked to change who I am and convert. I refused and refused to have our child follow one. He and his family didn’t like that. He wasn’t sure if he will remain in the relationship. I told him it was up to him. I found a place to live, furnished it etc with the help of my family. One day he decided to move in and give the relationship a chance, he had the idea that someday I will change and convert to his religion. Time passed and that didn’t happen. I saw a whole different side of him by living together. Tons of arguments even during pregnancies, all about the same topics…religion and family. He would say things to me like “ you are a good wife and person, but I cannot love you fully” or “ you are not my ideal”.. my opinions and feelings had no value.. opinions and feelings of his family and friends had value.  I didn’t feel good about him taking our child to his family’s place without me. The environment wasn’t good and I didn’t want my baby there without me as well. I always try hard to explain why I felt certain ways, so he could understand where I am coming from. But it’s like I am speaking to to brick wall, my feelings didn’t matter …he would then proceed to compare me with his family and friends. Telling me “ why do you have to feel this way?” Why are you like this?” My friends wife, my cousin, my aunt etc…are not like you, they do things like so, and so etc..” if his family or friends say anything negative about me.. he would come home and blame me for it.. it’s my fault they feel a certain way. I must have done something wrong. If I was cleaning and broke a lamp my mistake, I get yelled at, it’s my fault..he would come home and look around the house for something to complain about…even a piece of tissue paper I left on the table that I used to clean my glasses…that I plan to reuse.. he would then say things like “this house is a pigsty, you don’t do anything, you are just like so so etc. Years into the relationship he developed  issues with the fact that I had relationships in the past. That didn’t bother him before. I don’t talk or even think about past boyfriends. He then stared saying I am not his ideal woman. His ideal is a woman is a virgin, one who follows his religion.  I don’t live up to those ideal, regardless if I am a good person. I didn’t work for years, we moved many years ago. He tells me things like “this is his house” etc. I live here and I contribute, but feel like this isn’t my home.

This is why the kids don’t have a close relationship with his family. When the kids were babies and up to 6 years old, I wasn’t comfortable about him taking the kids to his family’s without me as well. After the age of 6, I felt okay that kids can take care of themselves, they could go and spend time with his family alone. I never stopped his family from coming over or calling. They came a few times and that’s it. The kids were not comfortable sleeping over at his family’s place and I never forced them into any situation they are not comfortable with. Once I agreed to a sleepover without even asking the kids; they were so upset that I made the decision without asking them. My kids would say crying and pleading  “Mom, please don’t send us there, we don’t like it there”.   The kids didn’t even want to go anywhere with their father without me. He would  even get get angry at the kids for just being kids., like knocking something over in a store etc.

fast forward kids are teens.. one just finished high school and one still in high school. We are both getting older. The past three years I thought he changed so much. He decided to get help for the anger issue, he learned that he has ocd. He took meds and tried techniques etc. Helped a bit. I tried my best to help him, I find articles, videos on the topic that might help. I listen, even through the many insults. I understand he has ocd, I understand that he had high expectations, his beliefs etc… it’s overwhelming I am also a human being with feelings.

So, this accident happened and his reaction surprised me because he changed a lot over the last three years. We had many wonderful moments as well., not all bad. I thought he would be more concerned that I was in an accident, was hurt and could have died. Instead, blamed me, even though it was not my fault. No love or support, he was angry..even the stranger that helped me, noticed he was angry about the car and not at all concerned about me. The kids noticed that as well. This got me wondering, does he love me or care about me at all?  I understand the ocd, high expectations etc.. is it okay to be in such relationship? Is it okay to be treated this way?