Dear Anita,

You brought to tears with such thoughtful insight. Everything you said makes perfect sense and it felt like I was reading his mind through your words. He was not only sexually but also mentally abused by his older brother. The guilt he felt for several years has only been released a year ago. He’s been struggling with self-identity ever since and as a result, he developed mixed feelings towards his brother: he wants to be better than his abuser, always competing to become the “better son”. All his life he was on the spotlight by his brother, who would bring him down in front of everyone. His anxiety and constant comparison lead him to a deep and dangerous depression, suicidal even. Just recently he mentioned how much he hated his brother that if he ever asked for forgiveness, he would ask him to break up with his girlfriend: a stunning woman, pretty much his type. The whole conflict didn’t make any sense wether he has mixed feelings towards his brother or his girlfriend, or even if his anger is so deep he wants his brother to be miserable and not himself.

He said he loved me deeply and that I deserve someone who will give what I deserve: marriage, family, stable life. He said he only wanted these things with me but something was missing and it was all physical. He couldn’t stop his urges, he described himself as a sex freak and he really needed someone as freak as he is (a beautiful body and extreme sex experiences). I believe that all of this became too much for him to handle: accept reality or fantasy. I think he chose fantasy, at least for a while. The hardest part is that not only I lost everything, I also lost my self-esteem. I feel ugly and unwanted, undesirable. A random person offered me a job as a stripper and when I told him the news he made sure to warn me it’s not a big deal, that it didn’t mean I was hot, because stripper are usually trashy (so I was trashy and not hot material). Whenever I had the attention of other men, he would make sure to bring me down by saying I should move on with them because I matched more with those guys than him. What I though it was jealousy, maybe it was him just pushing me away because he couldn’t stand me anymore – and I swear to God I’m not ugly, I came with a fun package in my personality so dating was never too hard for me, even not being the hottest girl but being the petite cute girl with a great sense of humor and positivity.

I think I will agree with your point of view and try to focus my mind on “it wasn’t entirely my fault”. I did fail with him because I couldn’t make him a better person, and I admit it was also too much pressure on me to carry that responsibility (even his family was hoping I would fix him – he didn’t even know the difference between credit and debit card). He became more mature but on the way he also found out he deserves someone better looking than me. I hope he does and that he treats her well but what I can’t seem to move on is how in the world I will trust another man not to leave me because I’m not his type (and that’s the third time it happens). How in the world I will be free from the memory of getting a man on one knee and proposing without being scared he will dump me 24 hours later. As far as I’m concerned, the marriage license is up to 60 more days and my biggest fear is that he will come back (and how do I forgive, can I forgive, how should we move on), or he won’t ever come back (and then my self-esteem will fight this battle of uncertainty for a couple more months).

I deleted all our history but he still kept them. I accidentally called him and he never called back (I swear to God it was an accident, it always happens to me). I have the chance to date other guys right now without even using Tinder, but I’m so heartbroken I fear I will break down in tears with no reason at all during the date. I want to move on but my heart is stupid and still wants him back, still wants to heal his pain. I am extremely empathetic to his pain and I can’t help but to feel even more depressed that I couldn’t make his life better, real and free from all those obsessive thoughts he had. He did say I made him feel better but like you said, his inner voices might be louder now. When he said he wasn’t happy with me, I said he wasn’t happy with anybody else. He agreed and said he needs to find happiness on his own and that he couldn’t also make me happy, that I should be happy by my own. It seems that I would always have to be the stronger person, but whenever I had my moments, he wouldn’t be able to take care of me. That itself doesn’t sound right in a fair relationship, I guess.

I’m just a pile of sadness and hopeless dreams. I feel homeless and unloved. I do feel like I’m not worthy of love, at all. Because if someone who once claimed to love me and die with me, never to abandon me, had the guts to send me away in such a heartless, careless and cold way, it’s probably my fault, I must be a horrible person and I probably deserved all that. They say karma is real, maybe I am paying for that now. Maybe I did make him a horrible person and my perspective on all this is just entirely wrong. I don’t know anymore.