Hi anita,

Thank you for the birthday wishes! I haven’t heard anything from my family yet. Interestingly, my mom complains at me when I don’t wish her happy birthday or happy mother’s day but has forgotten my birthday for years now. Double standards are not great to deal with. Here are my lists:

Good behaviors:

Being respectful and polite to other people, even people we disagree with

Listening to listen and not just to respond

Following through with what you say you’re going to do

Apologizing for wrongdoing and not doing it again

Honesty, saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Not lying intentionally

Seeing all people on equal footing: not thinking we’re better than someone because of social status or political beliefs or other superficial things

Taking responsibility for ourselves

Caring for and loving our children unconditionally

Helping others in need to the best of our ability

Caring for ourselves so we don’t become an unfair burden on others

Respecting the boundaries of others

Caring for and loving the Earth and animals, meaning do as little harm as possible.

Bad Behaviors:

Acting in a self interested manner at all times

Lying to people to get something from them

Manipulating people to get something from them

Disrespecting other’s physical, emotional, or energetic boundaries

Doing something kind or nice just to get something in return or gain power over someone.

Dumping problems and bad energy on people, using people as an emotional “trash can”

Sexual irresponsibility (cheating, not using birth control and/or protection, having multiple partners without being tested for STDs)

Stealing, taking what doesn’t belong to us

Gossiping about people

Parentifying children

Gaslighting people, denying their reality and making them confused

Trying to gain power over people

Looking down on someone because you perceive them to be lesser than you

Talking at people instead of to them

Unhealthy competition

Downplaying someone’s achievements or good qualities to make ourselves feel superior

Hi anita,

That made me smile that you would copy my post for yourself. I greatly respect you and it makes me happy that you think what I say has value.

Yes, she did choke me, in so many ways. Another thing I got wrong was thinking to be kind, you have to give someone access to you at all times. She demanded that we remain friends after the breakup. And I felt so bad, and confused: not wanting her in my life, but feeling I was mean to block her. I didn’t understand that not seeking revenge was enough. Honestly, I sort of sought revenge: She left the apartment trashed when she left, and left a ton of her stuff. She wanted to come back to get it, I said no. When  I was going through it I found a diary entry saying how she wanted to have sex with men and I wasn’t doing it for her. The whole relationship she blamed and shamed be for being attracted to men, saying it was “disgusting”. I was so mad I threw a lot of her stuff away, including some comics she had drawn in high school. She wanted me to mail her the comics, and when I admitted I threw most of them away she freaked out at me. I felt so so so bad and horrible. I had forgotten this happened. I wish I understood that I can choose who I allow to be in my life. I feel that if someone shows any sort of kindness I owe them or something. I guess it goes back to what we were talking about, parents saying to their kids that they owe them. And then carrying that false belief. You’re helping me to feel a lot better I feel so much calmer talking with you. I am very grateful.

I’m noticing my thoughts are slowing down, I feel less “crazy” for lack of a better word just by communicating with you. Maybe because you are sane and before I was confiding in people who were not sane, meaning still connected to insanity. Now that I am remembering how bad my ex really was, I can’t believe I even considered speaking to her! I used to still check her social media. I don’t know what I was looking for: proof of what happened maybe? Trying to keep in contact? I am not sure. But I know I must be sure not to allow her any access to me and not to torture myself by checking her social media. I feel if I can move on from this relationship and truly learn the lessons I was meant to learn I can have a great and healthy relationship in the future. I have not dated since, it’s been three years. I did have a one night stand when I visited Amsterdam a couple years back, but that was it and I felt guilty after the one night stand. That kind of thing isn’t for me. I have not trusted myself to be able to discern a good relationship from a bad one. I tell myself sometimes I don’t want a relationship but it isn’t true. Another former friend tried to rush me into dating again and made me feel badly for being single. But honestly I am okay being alone. I enjoy my own company, and I am learning more about who I am outside of a partnership. I also hope that if I can be strong on my own I can attract a healthy partner. I am not completely sure at this time what I would want in a partner but I hope to find out.

Contrary to what people have said to me I have not lost hope in love, I just want to be sure I am ready for it. I would never want to date someone and possibly hurt them because I have not healed from my wounds. It isn’t fair to use people this way, yet so many people do it! Just as you mentioned, relationships should be win-win. I am not looking for someone to take all of my pain away. This former friend got divorced around the same time my relationship ended, then quickly started sleeping around with people, even people at our place of work (we used to be coworkers). I don’t necessarily disagree with casual sex but I feel it’s not healthy to try and heal through casual sex. She was also of the belief that women can do no wrong which wasn’t good for me. Not only do I want to find a healthy partner I also want to find healthy friends too. I didn’t realize just how much your environment affects your mental health even when you are not fully aware of it. I hope to be more mindful and conscious in the future.

Hi anita,

I completely agree with what you wrote about children identifying with an aggressive parent and acting that way towards others. It reminds me of my ex: she identified with her father, who beat her and did other horrible things. So she enjoyed being a hypermasculine and aggressive person. Or my sister who constantly argues and antagonizes people: she identifies with my aggressive mother. That therapist I know was still in contact with her most likely abusive parents. I also know that she felt lost as a child and moved around a lot, and most likely that made her feel angry. So I probably triggered her just like her girlfriend. I think she felt inadequate as a therapist and that’s why she acted the way she did. This is another mark of poor therapy on her part: I shouldn’t know all this. The focus should have been on me.

I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that people who share identities aren’t always empathetic towards each other. It confuses me. This idea has gotten me into a lot of trouble: expecting that someone who shares my identities or beliefs would be kind to me, and then that is not the case but I have a hard time accepting the truth. I thought dating a woman would be better than dating a man. It wasn’t. In fact it was worse because I didn’t see the red flags. Or more accurately, I saw the red flags but dismissed them. Another example is this man I knew at my last job: he was white, enjoyed guns, and went on to become a cop. I thought he was a bad person because of those things. But he ended up treating me with kindness and respect. He made me laugh and I enjoyed his company. And he was the reason I was able to leave my ex, because I would feel so happy spending time with him and my other coworkers, laughing and having a great time. Then I would come home to her and feel so depressed, like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I think now part of the reason I’m having trouble moving on is that I don’t have that social support anymore, like you mentioned in your earlier response.

Thanks for saying I express myself well. Sometimes I feel I am stupid and can’t express myself well. I always blamed myself during my relationship that I couldn’t articulate properly. But the truth was she just didn’t listen to me. Sometimes I feel my expectations are too high, like I have to accept some disrespect and suffering in a relationship. I used to have high expectations but I lowered them, and because of that I lowered my self respect. It’s madness, isn’t it?

I agree, we must judge abusers for who and what they are. The reason the world is in disarray, the reason so many of us suffer is because we look the other way and lie to ourselves about abusers. I don’t think abusers who refuse to take responsibility deserve forgiveness. Nor do they deserve punishment per se, but it’s best we get as far away from them as possible. I don’t want to punish people who have hurt me. I just want them and their toxicity away from me and my mind. But people always blame me for wanting this. I agree, having a win-lose therapist was awful for me. I am starting to feel a little compassion for myself in knowing it wasn’t my fault. I wonder what others who have been her clients felt, or maybe she only did it to me.

I do see myself as someone chained to suffering: mentally. I still ruminate over these things that have happened, and have flashbacks. It’s as if these things are still happening. I am stuck in the past in many ways and would like to be free from it all.

I look forward to reading your response when you are back. Thanks so much for listening and for providing such great insight.

Hi anita,

Thanks for saying that I can let you know if I feel you are trying to control me. I doubt I would ever feel that way, but it makes me feel respected that you would say so. It reminds me of the best therapist I ever had. Even though he didn’t share my identities (he was a white man) he let me know right away that although he didn’t share my identities and might not always understand, he would always try to. That made me feel respected and I healed a lot with his help. He was always on my side, and viewed me in an unconditional positive light. On the contrary, this other therapist that did share my identities did not respect me or empathize with me. She enjoyed me being weak and depending on her. She wanted to feel powerful, not help me help myself. I got worse under her care.

What is love? A hard word to define as it is misused all the time. Love is caring for someone at the same level, and at times more, than you care for yourself. Sometimes it’s easier to define something by saying what it is not. Love is not keeping score. There is no obligation in love. Love is respect at all times. Love is allowing a person the freedom to be who they really are. To allow space for them to grow into their highest self. Love does not demand, threaten or invade. Love requires us to do no harm, and in those moments of human weakness when we do harm, to apologize sincerely and take steps so it never happens again.

Yes, my former therapist and girlfriend were bad. Thank you for saying that. It feels validating and makes my heart feel at peace. My inner child feels happy to hear this. For years my heart has been hurting from confusion. People say we shouldn’t judge that we should forgive. But these notions if used wrongly keep us chained to suffering. There has not been anyone on my side, to validate me or my humanity. Often I’ve thought to myself over the past few weeks that I don’t exist. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think, who are you? It’s hard to feel like a ghost.

Hi anita,

No, I do not think you are being dramatic. On the contrary I think your analysis is 100% correct. But it’s taboo in this society to place responsibility on parents. People think just because someone brought life into this world they can do no wrong. People especially think mothers are always good, loving, kind. It’s okay to blame fathers but not mothers. I remember as a young girl my aunts yelled at me if I ever confided in them about how my mom treated me. My college essay was how I loved my camp because it was the only place I felt loved. When I asked my aunts to review it for me one of them got mad: “this is a lie, your family loves you”.

I have known for a long time that my parents have internalized racism and have subscribed to a colonized belief system. They never wanted us to be “too black”, we grew up in a majority white town to escape blackness, things like that. I tried to escape physically but I haven’t been able to escape mentally. I think because my abusive relationship wore me down so much, and I felt so much guilt because I stayed away from home for 4 years. During that time my parents sent me guilt trips for not coming home (unsurprisingly, when I told them I couldn’t afford to go back home which I really couldn’t, they never offered to pay for me to come back). The guilt is how they keep power over me, and how other abusive people have kept power over me. Also, the projection onto me that I am not a good person. So I try even harder to be good, but it’s like I am chasing my own shadow. No one ever said anything to mitigate this guilt. so it remains hoovering over me like a dark cloud. Sometimes I think about moving even farther away, like to Europe. But physical distance isn’t enough, I know that now. I already live halfway across the country from them, they guilt me about that too. Everyone complained about attending my college graduation because it was so far. The intermittent reinforcement is also confusing: they are nice to me when I do what they want or succeed at something. So my inner child thinks “finally! i will get the love I need!”. But it’s just an illusion. This trap is what kept me chained to an abuser for almost 5 years. She’d scream, be abusive, then be nice and pretend like nothing happened. Even now she is still trying to contact me out of “concern for my well being”. This is why I am so foggy headed all of the time.

The problem is I don’t have any support and I don’t know where I would get it. It’s tough to find a decent therapist. A few months ago I tried online therapy, but it was more of the same unhelpful stuff. Every time I’ve tried to make connections with other people it’s always more of the same, which is why at this point I’m almost always checked out from life.

Thanks again anita. I appreciate your insights and talking to you is helping to calm me down. I notice, the incessant chatter in my mind and tightness in my chest dissipates when I read your words. I hope we can continue communicating as I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. My former therapist really messed me up, and I’m just starting to really come into that realization a year after I stopped seeing her. So talking to you is helping me shed some light on my issues.

I agree wholeheartedly about your comments about the jigsaw puzzle. Where did I fit into the puzzle? Well, I was always the fixer as well as the scapegoat. Even now, I’m the one siblings turn to for advice, but not in a way that makes me feel good. One of my sisters sees herself as the “truth teller”. She is always demanding that we respond to her questions about things, and gets mad when people don’t engage in that chat. The sister I mentioned above sees herself as perfect, all knowing. My older brother sees himself as the father figure, so on and so forth. I don’t know what my role is now. I guess I am still supposed to fix: for example, my father moved in with a much younger woman from another country. He brought her to my sister’s graduation uninvited, and everyone was mad about it. (it was highly inappropriate). My mom then tells me I need to confront him and tell him he’s making a mistake. Why? It’s none of my business what he does. Whenever one of my siblings is acting up or in trouble, my mom contacts me to vent about it and to ask me to fix it somehow. I have never vented to my mother in my whole life, the relationship is entirely one sided. My youngest sister has been in a lot of trouble. Most recently she crashed the car my mother bought for her and started selling drugs. My mom asked me to talk to her and somehow force her to act differently. This was after I paid for her to visit me in the city I am living, constantly tried to reach out to her to offer her support, etc etc.

I realize this is a lot of information, but I’m just saying this to further prove your point. My family members and 99% of the people in my life want something from me, and I serve a function but I am not a human being. So I go somewhere else and I feel I am essentially a robot. It’s hard to feel sane when you’re surrounded by insanity, and sooner or later you absorb the insanity. And then I always feel I am the problem, somethings wrong with me that I need to fix, and spend a lot of energy and money and time fixing.

Dear GL,

You have some amazing insight, thank you so much. I do very much agree that I’m rationalizing my emotions, and have been doing that pretty intensely for quite a long time. Before this relationship I didn’t rationalize as much – I didn’t often share my emotions with other people but I let myself be sad, cry, feel fear, etc while alone or with someone who I felt was safe. It’s hard re-learning how to feel my emotions when they’ve been caged in for so long and I’ve been so often shamed or misunderstood for expressing anything. With my ex, she would even get angry that I showed any sense of being tired after working two jobs and 12 hour days. I’ve always been expected to be constantly strong and take care of everything and everyone and always have all the answers. I’ve been told I’m too independent but then I am shamed whenever I show vulnerability. It’s frustrating.

You’re right, my therapist is not my friend and I should not be dependent on her. I find that I most definitely am, like you said I don’t have any friends to spend time with so she’s my only source of human interaction outside of work. I find it very hard to find people to genuinely connect with. I like what you said about life/healing not being linear & that emotions can’t be solved like a math problem. I’ve thought that to myself often, but I feel that’s been something drilled into me be other people, that I should be able to fix/snap out of my emotions and now it’s difficult to unlearn that. I think people in general don’t allow much space for negative emotions and we’re expected to always be efficient and perfect like machines. As I’ve gotten older and had these negative experiences I’ve definitely become one of the masses in that way. Even though I know I should express my emotions and it’s safe to do so now I feel I don’t even remember how.

Hi Anita,

I think you’re right, and I’ve had the same observations at times. My therapist told me how she became a therapist because she never felt heard as a child, which struck me as interesting because sometimes I don’t feel heard/understood by her. I agree, you can only be helped by someone as far as they’ve helped themselves. Like I’ve said, she has helped me in some ways. I feel like some sessions are good, some irritate me. I’ve thought about stopping with her but I always thought it was me, that maybe I’m resistant to change or being helped. She has been more validating in past weeks, but I feel like I’m putting in so much effort to try and explain the things I’m feeling and going through. It’s exhausting. It’s nice to have that feeling when you just feel understood, without having to make an argument for why you feel every minute emotion. My ex was also like this so maybe I’m carrying some of that into therapy – when I was upset she would relentlessly badger me about the why  my emotions if I ever showed anything other than happiness and devotion to her, instead of just letting me experience them and supporting me in that. She was also always trying to fix/change me and I always had to explain that I didn’t need fixing I just need support. She just would never understand/be empathetic/allow me to feel anything.

I have trouble letting go/putting boundaries with people. I do have therapy with her tonight so I guess I will see how I feel. The effort of having to say goodbye and find someone else feels too exhausting for me, I don’t feel like going through this whole process over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop therapy and help myself instead, because in listening to so many people telling me I need to do this or that or that I have such and such problems, I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I tend to put up with toxic/unhealthy situations for much too long, until it becomes unbearable. I have a high tolerance for pain/discomfort – my parents never really let us complain about anything, because since they grew up overseas (in Western Africa) and in poverty they had it so much worse supposedly. Like with my ex, I actually wanted to leave her only a few short weeks into the relationship, because I could already see red flags (her saying I love you after only a couple of weeks, wanting to move in with me, being angry for no reason, getting upset when I wanted space/time with my friends, among other things). But I always let my guilt/sense of obligation get the best of me.

My ex told me I was that I was a monster, crazy, dishonest, judgmental, dramatic, mean, controlling, stupid, emotionally unavailable, unaffectionate cold, an addict (when things got really bad I was smoking a lot to get through it all, that’s when she called me that), a narcissist, a b***, bipolar, that I never apologize (when she screamed at me she would demand I apologize to her for it then get mad when I refused), that I was spoiled and privileged, that I don’t know what the f*** I’m talking about, I’m unloving, I don’t know how to love women, accused me of cheating/lying, when I didn’t want to go out and wanted to stay in she said I was f*** up and needed to take pills to fix me. I also would hide in my room or in the bathroom from her, and she would complain that I was ignoring her and therefore abusive. I’m attracted to both men and women and she said that was disgusting and I should essentially be ashamed of my sexuality, which really screwed me up.

The stuff she was referring to – I often called her a child and said she was selfish, ungrateful and manipulative and didn’t know how to deal with her emotions or take responsibility. Towards the end of the relationship I started ignoring her quite a lot and spending as much time as possible away from her. We stopped being intimate with each other which she blamed me for, because I was never in the mood and just hated touching her/having her touch me or being around her at all. I feel the most guilt around that, especially because she always said how her mom would leave her alone all the time so she couldn’t stand ever to be ignored/alone, and I know withholding affection is abusive as well.

Hi Anita,

I think you’re right, and I’ve had the same observations at times. My therapist told me how she became a therapist because she never felt heard as a child, which struck me as interesting because sometimes I don’t feel heard/understood by her. I agree, you can only be helped by someone as far as they’ve helped themselves. Like I’ve said, she has helped me in some ways. I feel like some sessions are good, some irritate me. I’ve thought about stopping with her but I always thought it was me, that maybe I’m resistant to change or being helped. She has been more validating in past weeks, but I feel like I’m putting in so much effort to try and explain the things I’m feeling and going through. It’s exhausting. It’s nice to have that feeling when you just feel understood, without having to make an argument for why you feel every minute emotion. My ex was also like this so maybe I’m carrying some of that into therapy – when I was upset she would relentlessly badger me about the why  my emotions if I ever showed anything other than happiness and devotion to her, instead of just letting me experience them and supporting me in that. She was also always trying to fix/change me and I always had to explain that I didn’t need fixing I just need support. She just would never understand/be empathetic/allow me to feel anything.

I have trouble letting go/putting boundaries with people. I do have therapy with her tonight so I guess I will see how I feel. The effort of having to say goodbye and find someone else feels too exhausting for me, I don’t feel like going through this whole process over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop therapy and help myself instead, because in listening to so many people telling me I need to do this or that or that I have such and such problems, I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I tend to put up with toxic/unhealthy situations for much too long, until it becomes unbearable. I have a high tolerance for pain/discomfort – my parents never really let us complain about anything, because since they grew up overseas (in Western Africa) and in poverty they had it so much worse supposedly. Like with my ex, I actually wanted to leave her only a few short weeks into the relationship, because I could already see red flags (her saying I love you after only a couple of weeks, wanting to move in with me, being angry for no reason, getting upset when I wanted space/time with my friends, among other things). But I always let my guilt/sense of obligation get the best of me.

My ex told me I was that I was a monster, crazy, dishonest, judgmental, dramatic, mean, controlling, stupid, emotionally unavailable, unaffectionate cold, an addict (when things got really bad I was smoking a lot to get through it all, that’s when she called me that), a narcissist, a b***, bipolar, that I never apologize (when she screamed at me she would demand I apologize to her for it then get mad when I refused), that I was spoiled and privileged, that I don’t know what the f*** I’m talking about, I’m unloving, I don’t know how to love women, accused me of cheating/lying, when I didn’t want to go out and wanted to stay in she said I was f*** up and needed to take pills to fix me. I also would hide in my room or in the bathroom from her, and she would complain that I was ignoring her and therefore abusive. I’m attracted to both men and women and she said that was disgusting and I should essentially be ashamed of my sexuality, which really screwed me up.

The stuff she was referring to – I often called her a child and said she was selfish, ungrateful and manipulative and didn’t know how to deal with her emotions or take responsibility. Towards the end of the relationship I started ignoring her quite a lot and spending as much time as possible away from her. We stopped being intimate with each other which she blamed me for, because I was never in the mood and just hated touching her/having her touch me or being around her at all. I feel the most guilt around that, especially because she always said how her mom would leave her alone all the time so she couldn’t stand ever to be ignored/alone, and I know withholding affection is abusive as well.