Well, I was allowed out late and made my own dinner by 14/15. my parents aren’t very educated so I did homework alone. At 17 I moved in with a boyfriend, then moved to uni pretty much from there a year later. When I was a child I remember liking solitude and I think I was quiet, but I don’t know where that trait comes from. My family never discussed decisions or feelings. To date I speak in a slightly childish voice and very softly. For a long time I’ve felt I have full responsibility for myself, and take decisions alone (eg moving to London) which on the plus side means I can be proud of my achievements. It’s only recently I’ve started to communicate my level of depression to my mum.

Hi Spiritualgangster! Thank you. I’m not sure, I can’t make much sense of why this is happening. On the surface my life is good and I’m a fairly clear thinking person who values rationality the rest of the time. Sorry that probably doesn’t help!

Anita, thank you for reading my previous posts, I still don’t see how you worked out what I would call my ‘independent’ childhood/teenage years though! I left home at 17, but was eating alone, managing own homework from a few years before. I spent a long time angry at my parents for what I felt was neglect or at least lack of engagement, but my mum is very loving and I was always provided for…and I don’t believe I feel that towards them anymore. I would definitely agree I was unprepared and still am… And that I handle distressing situations like a small child.
When I get into that state of mind I am full of hate and my life is worthless, I just want the pain to stop.
I wish I knew what to do to address all this.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Buruberu.

Thanks so much for these replies.

Inky – yes sort of, I took some time off and my boss said she needed someone more reliable and cut short my contract. I think going to a shaman is a bit far out… I live in a houseshare. The industry is journalism and I have started to look outside, but am trying not to give up on going for what I really want though applications often require lot of time to no response.

The Ruminant – everything together does feel too much at times, hence the sense of being ‘trapped’. I feel like a wounded animal on open land, too tired to try protect myself and about to get eaten up! The court case ended in February and I don’t think about it much now, although it seems to have affected my level of trust going into a new relationship. Falling out of work is my main fear, if I lose this job I think I will lose so many things and be at rock bottom with nothing at 28. The other fear is my boyfriend walking.

Hi Big Blue – I did try that and none (of 7) replied! Maybe I should try others…

Thank you Buddhist Wife. Yes, when I am most stressed I am focusing on the negative impact of the setback, and not appreciating that everyone has setbacks and I have been able to come through this one. I think it won’t be straight away I can come round to a positive view, but I came to TinyBuddha because I believed it would help with that. Your words are really encouraging.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by Buruberu.