Dear Anita and Eliana,

Thank-you both for the response and thoughts.

Anita – I spoke about his drinking as it was his turning point in changing his outlook on life and his destructive lifestyle and how he was able to take a step back to get him to where he is now. I do believe that I should see it simply as he just quit drinking. I agree that he focuses too much on me and not himself. I feel that his challenge would be not to point out what he is uncomfortable with but why he is uncomfortable with it and let that be something he reflects on. I constantly ask him why does he love me because if he wants me to change, I need to know that he loves me just the way I am now and the change that ‘may’ happen is more so for me and not for him; otherwise without change, we would be facing a break-up and that isn’t how I would like to commit to a relationship. I always say you got to take it as you see it, not imagine a possible future of an ‘altered and changed me’. I don’t use those exact words but that is the essence of the conversation. I wouldn’t say that he projects his demons onto me but more so his problems that he has with other female figures in his life. Unfortunately he is dating someone very similar to his mother and sister. We are all Gemini’s and say or think the same. Often earlier on in our relationship I will hear, your exactly like my mum (not in a good way). Soon, we understood how negative this was and he has stopped these comparisons. I know most of the time, its still there subconsciously. I do wish to no longer have him as my reason to change. Me breaking away will help me be my authentic self no matter who I meet in the future, my own standards that I place on myself will be my own and that will be something that is accepted, not a cause to be changed depending on a partners own perspective.

Thank-you both for giving me the courage to write all these things down so that they are clearer to me. I feel that I will be making the correct choice to move away from this negative relationship. Even if I am all the things that have been said such as being negative, lying and being a victim, I hope to be the personal drive behind motivating myself to change for me and not for anyone else. I have written him a letter to avoid a debate on the issue of us breaking-up. A weight has been lifted off my chest as I press ‘submit’.

Viv