Hi Grace in Motion – thank you for writing to me sending you loads of love back your way. His actions and “not taking life so seriously” is not biting him in the ____. He feels lonely and at a loss, the “single guys” that were his best buddies in the club don’t really care for him, what a surprise lol. I can’t believe he is so naive to actually have to come to come big realization that is so obvious to most people. Those guys only care for him when he is out getting smashed with them and paying for bottle service and nonsense. The way he acted hurt me in a really deep place inside. That can’t just be undone. My parents had to step in to help me at a time when my health was failing and I needed my partner who I took vows with.

LIke you mentioned I am honestly glad that I don’t have children. Deep down inside I’m dying to be a mom but I want to do it right. I’m so glad that the Cosmos are on my side I hope they guide me to a better place… I like how you said it so raw ” There is nothing more. No grand reason, no mental illness or personality disorder. It all happened because he valued want he wanted over everything else, including you.” I am an idiot for thinking there was a bigger reason I’ve stopped asking why now. It took me a long time to reach this point. And I feel so much more at peace. I do admit I’m incredibly lonely even though I try my best to keep myself busy. I’m not the bar type of girl or the on-line dating type (not even that I am ready for that). But I spend a lot of time reading, meditating, researching, doing yoga and playing with my crystals which give me such a beautiful boost of positive energy. I wish I had some people to share this with, even some great girlfriends. But my old friends are in a different place in their lives and the ones I know that are single, well I just don’t fit into that wild lifestyle. I wish the ladies who are a part of this forum could just get together and hang out. Everyone seems so BEAUTIFUL inside.

One good thing is I have no anger or hate. I have LOVE and I haven’t given up on all man kind. I’m just hurt that he chose this road because he could of done so much better for himself and for our future. But I have no control over that and trust that the Universe knows what is best….

love and light to all,
Sonja

Dear Jaishree and Barb – I set up another email today purplemooncrystal@gmail.com can you email me offline?

Thanks for the responses as always they are golden words….

@GraceInMotion – Sorry to hear you have been in a similar situation to me. It is so hard for me not the question “why”, I know it is probably a pointless question but I can’t understand and when I can’t it doesn’t go away. Do I just take life too seriously? Things are a big deal to me. To him things are more casual and “what’s the big deal or it’s not a big deal” often gets thrown at me. I’m passionate and I can only give my love to one man not to numerous people, I find love is special and like a gem. He was NOT like this when we were dating and engaged and not even in the first year of marriage. How after years on end did he change?!?! If the cosmos didn’t want us to get in, in the first place then why did they allow it to happen?

Now he has written me an email to apologize for the way he acted a few days ago. And has asked if he can please see me. Talked about specific beautiful things we were doing together last year. How it is so depressing that things are different now. No situation can be handled maturely and responsibly by my husband. My emotions and feelings and thoughts can’t be handled with care and through loving communication. Instead phrases like “why are you making things up in your head” and “why are you making everything such a big deal”. Makes me realize that my emotions aren’t important or valid to him whatsoever. I am not such an impossible difficult woman to handle He just cannot handle me.

I am not trying to toot my own horn here but I have so many talents. I cook gourmet meals, I sew, I paint, I play the piano, I play sports… I have home remedies for any ailment someone might have. I’m multidimensional. I took so much time to pick who I thought was the right man… I didn’t date casually or have flings through my teens or 20s. I have a degree in finance. I am not a bimbo Why do I get replaced and cheated on with a bimbo when I leave the country to study! He always used to tell me how I’m old school, the kind of girl Grandma’s would be proud of… Now he goes to clubs and vegas and talks to bimbo girls that probably can’t even spell…. He gets marital advice when I’m out of the country from his ex gf who is very trashy?! How did he become such a low life?

Thank you for saying this horrible ending is the start of something beautiful. I really hope so… I’m so rock bottom right now. I have NO idea how I will meet someone because I am not the type to go on random dates. It will have to magically happen. I don’t like on-line dating (no offence to those who do it), I personally don’t see myself making a profile etc. I realize that everyone will tell me NOT to think of this stuff now. But how can I not? I’m the type of woman who never thought would be divorced, I believe in trying, fixing, communication. How could the person who was SO different before change so drastically????

Never mind I got fooled again… I thought there was a “shift” in him that he was “changing” his ways because he himself had pointed out what he is doing that is “wrong” and had proactively emailed me letting me know the realization that he had stumbled upon. He even said that he is hanging around with bad company that influences him to do the wrong things. I bought into all of this last week, I believed in the power of change. Stupid me. It might of been a temporary feeling that he had for a few days, a few days he decided not to go out clubbing and partying that he missed me and reached a few realizations. But it didn’t last…..

Turns out he picked up another girl and got her phone number on the weekend. I had to speak to him today to sort out finances and yet again he manipulated me giving me some cock and bull story that made no sense. Then turned the entire thing on me saying “I make things up in my head”. I’m an intelligent, loyal and kind woman. I do not make up stories in my head! I can’t believe after doing all the things he has done and then begging to be with me he has the audacity to say I make things up in my head…..

Going forward no matter WHAT he emails me with, no matter how believing the story and promises of change…. I will remember that they are mere words. His actions constantly show otherwise. That when he goes out and drinks he forgets me. He will always pick up some womans number and then text her to feel good about himself. He thinks there is nothing wrong with this…. I deserve to be treated better and I will be…. 5 years ends up like this. Yes it does I guess, that is how the story goes. I just asked him out of some respect in his heart for me while we are sorting out and tying up loose ends that he stop messaging other women and picking them up and he tells me I make up stories. I have full access to the phone records which he knows about So how can I make stories up when I go off of the facts that I see? He told me I must be seeing things wrong lol….I guess he is so used to lying to my face that it has become second nature he feels zero remorse. The sad thing is I’ve told him he can do whatever he wants just stop trying to be with me at the sametime. Message and pick up women but help by doing his part to end this marriage. He tells me I am again “making up stories in my head” that he really wants to be with me and I’m making everything into the biggest deal ever. I have had to listen to this standard statement be told to me for years, that I make everything a big deal. PIcking up women when you are married isn’t a big deal? Pretending you are single isn’t a big deal?

I hope that karma teaches this man a lesson and that someone does this to him. When I once asked him how would he feel if he was on the receiving end of this he said to me “I hope that never happens”….. WOW… What a thing to say….
I don’t have it in me to treat him the same way I’m not that type of person. I’m the complete opposite of manipulative. But I hope someone is able to do this to him so he knows what it feels like when you treat someone so poorly…..

So hurt yet again….

Hi Barb,
Totally agree on posting the email online and no your aren’t paranoid. Hmmm I guess I’ll think of how nothing is coming to mind right now.
I’m so happy for you knowing how strong you are and that meditation is helping you and so great that you love your job. A lot of people don’t have jobs they love so that is excellent!
Have a wonderful holiday discovering soul searching! I am sure your higher self will help you and guide you.

Currently I am definitely feeling much stronger but there is this deep ache inside, this pain, this longing. I can’t get that to go away. I know I’ll be okay alone but I can’t shut off the burning deep within my heart. I guess he needs to go on his journey and “figure himself out” and if we are meant to be then somehow that will happen? I don’t know what to say. I feel sad because there is this deep soul connection that doesn’t die, no matter what….

sending you love!

Dear Jaishree – I have to share with you what has happened since your msg to me. Yesterday he sent me SO many emails pouring his heart out. Suddenly he seems to have such a “shift”. He is not able to leave me all of a sudden?! He has been crying at work (and he is a professional so this must be hard to do from work with the type of job he has). Imagine a grown man in a suit crying?! I think he is waking up now. How is this possible? What happened all of a sudden.
What you wrote is right “if I let go now his immature mind might get a beating”. “Nothing can match what he had with me” – all of this is now being said by him?! So strange literally you write this message to me and then Oct 21-22 I get messages pouring in from him.
Thank you for saying I am strong. I am I guess but then my love for him doesn’t go away. I just keep praying to god and the Universe to help me and guide me to what is best.

Do people really change? Is it truly possible? Or is he desperate? I am the type of person that believes in the power of change and love but I must do what is right for my overall future. I guess I have to let time pass? I know that this year “2013” is not a good year for me so I don’t want to make any really drastic changes.

I don’t think you are off track Jaishree. You are the only person (other than Abhinand) that has offered a different perspective. …..
My heart is hurting

Jaishree – Your post is so helpful. I see what you are saying with people that make hasty decisions, probably from their ego’s and then have to live to regret their haste. I have gone back and forth with my situations a number of times. I guess I do not realize that I am showing strength. I cry so very often I still feel an incredible loss. I have disturbed sleep still, I wake up and always wish I am dreaming. I wish he did not go “so far” it seems so impossible to fix now. And you said something very powerful you mentioned “EFFORT” and that with effort things are possible. I do not see any “effort” on his side. He is so passive and acts only on the 11th hour. Even now I don’t know if he takes this separation very “seriously”. For me if my partner left and separated from me I would want to dig deep to find out what I did, how I can change etc. He is continuing on a destructive path of hanging around with single people and just living day to day.
You said it nicely I can’t stop thinking of the “beautiful times” and how many hopes and dreams we shared together. How we wanted to grow old together and have children. We have a lot in common too. Both love travelling, spending time together, watching documentaries, him helping me cook (he was my sous chef in the kitchen)… Oh boy I’m tearing up now. But Jaishree he always had this underlying need to party and excessively drink. Almost like he has a split personality? There is this one beautiful side that is so loving and then this opposite devilish side that loves sins. And when I am not around the devilish side rears its ugly head. When he goes out with guys he goes crazy and acts like a swinging single. Last year he got himself into such deep trouble on a bachelor party. I never wanted him to go in the first place but once he has his mind set on something I can’t stop him or he feels “restricted” and “resentful”. I am not his mother I’m his wife so I told him if he wants to go it is his decision but it makes me uncomfortable and he said “watch me I’ll be so proper on the trip you’ll see for yourself”. He promised also not to drink on the trip to Vegas because he has a problem with “control” as you can see and it causes me so much stress and anxiety because I love and care for him so much. And yes of course he came back home with a broken knee and said he was drugged. I had to take him to the hospital I became so stressed out I can’t even describe. After everything settled down he could never see what he did as a “big deal” but because of my stress said he won’t go to Vegas anymore. His words are never binding, his promises always fall through. But they are so believing… Maybe he himself believes them but then can’t control himself when the opportunity presents itself.

This part you wrote really sticks with me….”im not asking you to forgive or anything, was wanting to say that you talk to him again n again and get a feel of wat your heart feels or wants”…. Jaishree I’m stuck? My heart still loves him even with everything that has happened but my logical side says “NO” so I guess I feel a battle inside me. When I met him last time to sort through some finances I was in tears the entire time. I guess my soul is still connected and I can’t break that no matter how much logic I use? I am so scared to throw away my life, I am so fearful of this person and the manipulation and lies. I myself am very honest, I don’t do any type of drugs, I don’t like heavy partying. I don’t fit in with the immaturity a big side of him likes. I don’t know what to do. I also am not able to completely say goodbye to him either. I appreciate your advice. No you haven’t said anything hurtful you are offering another opinion and I value that. I am here to “listen” and like you said make a “choice” myself. The part I am worried about is throughout the relationship/marriage I have been the one to make appointments to doctors etc for him and he goes because I tell him to. But then he never continues he just stops. I know what you are trying to say is that he doesn’t know what to do. You are absolutely right he doesn’t know. He doesn’t have anyone to guide him either. His family is not helpful at all. His former bestfriend is not happy with his life choices (what he has done to me) so they don’t really speak too much. He hangs out with the worst company. He is so weak and easily goes on the “wrong path”. It is so hard for me to keep taking care of him and watching him make poor choices. It actually makes me physically sick with stress. That is why I am reluctantly unplugging myself. I have been trying to focus on building my health back up.

Thank you dear Barb and I honestly could feel the hug you sent me. Sending you back love….
Just saying you understand is soothing, my heart hurts so much…. I too agree with you love can conquer all, love is the strongest energy in the Universe. I know that he does love me (on some level I guess). He cries when we meet but he sticks to saying he felt unloved and he wanted to have “FUN” and feel “like the man”. He admitted the last time I saw him that it was selfish but it took him months to admit this. After I found out everything for another month he text messaged a girl he had picked up on a trip and again lied to me when I questioned the phone number I kept seeing. I found out myself that it was a girl he had picked up and she had no clue he was a married man. Is this how a remorseful person would act? Only when I cried about this did he stop messaging her, he didn’t think it was a big deal. He said he wasn’t “doing” anything with her and said he was “drunk” when he messaged her from 2am-5am.
I’m the one that has been cheated on and lied to and even until this date I have not messaged a man. I am not there yet. How can I? I can’t believe that the man I was with for 5 years acts this way.

I think things have only started to sink in to him now, maybe he finally realizes my worth? But he still goes out clubbing and drinking. Although we don’t live together I hear about him. This doesn’t seem right to me.

I agree completely he took a “few extra steps too many”. If he wouldn’t of had the affair maybe I would of let the take itinerary, fake bank account and 2 trips behind my back when I was studying. Although I have to say I feel sick typing this, I can’t believe he did all this to me?! And that our relationship was worth so little……

I guess out of sight out of mind (when I left my worth I was fully taken for granted)….