I feel I have to pick myself up unless I want to be a hypocrite. I also have responsibilities to other people who are depending on me. I don’t want to be in a relationship with her. I just wanted a friend.

A long time ago I went to see a therapist after going through something real bad. She told me I should start dating despite concerns about my own mental stability cos it would be good for me, and she thought that I would be a good partner to someone. She was more of a good actor and cheerleader than a therapist. I got hospitalized many times in the following years so I’m glad I stood my ground and stayed single. I just wanted to have friends back then. Same as today.

My current state reminds me of people who want to act like infants and it creeps me out. It’s very childish that I want to experience something that makes me feel comfortable and safe while being close to people before getting into a relationship. I’m older now. I can’t keep going like this. I either have to just jump into the deep end of the pool or just stay in the shallow end.

I don’t really know what I’d want to do for a vacation. The one thing that could help is if I was doing well financially so I wouldn’t be worried all the time. But there is no where I want to go and nothing I really want to do. I don’t want to meet people.

And I think the married lady is now over me. She’s not giving me the same kind of attention like before. That’s a relief but the sudden change is also reminding me of break ups in the past and it is not helping my mood. Another reason why I don’t like getting emotionally involved with others. It hurts so much when the relationship or friendship ends. I’ve lost so many friendships and destroyed so many in the past. I don’t want to experience that anymore.

I was friends with someone who was battling addiction. She was abused in her past and has serious co-dependency issues. We were friends for a few years, but I started to notice that she might have been using me as free therapy. Someone she can turn to when things fall apart with the current badboy she was dating at the time, and consequences of her bad decisions. I’ve told her so many times she need to stop dating and focus on herself. Get a handle on her addiction, become stable and be able to work full time again. But she would never listen. She would go out to party and come to me when she needed ‘support’. I cut all contact with her for nearly 6 months now. I have my own issues to deal with and having her throw her problems at me was going to make me snap. I didn’t want to blow up on her and be the bad guy so I just cut her off. I miss her so much. She was like a big sister to me. I was hoping that without me as her emotional crutch she would get a bit of a wake up call. I dunno If I should contact her to see how she’s doing.

Thank you for replying. I tried my best to keep it short and simple. These are some thoughts that’s been in my head for a while. I really needed to get it off my chest. Even if it’s out into the void of the internet.

I’m not young anymore so this makes it even more difficult. Trying to make friends after you hit 30 is very difficult. It’s almost like I don’t want to anymore. My biggest fear is regretting going down the path of isolation when I’m on my death bed. If I don’t have that happen then it’s fine. I can live with my choice. But the fear is ever present.

I still go out occasionally but not with people I’m been very close to. They are friendly and know me and some of the issues I’ve been going through, so it feels safe enough. Maybe that’s good enough, or that’s that’s the only thing that will work for me at this phase in my life.