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puChop

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • #401522
    puChop
    Participant

    I feel I have to pick myself up unless I want to be a hypocrite. I also have responsibilities to other people who are depending on me. I don’t want to be in a relationship with her. I just wanted a friend.

    A long time ago I went to see a therapist after going through something real bad. She told me I should start dating despite concerns about my own mental stability cos it would be good for me, and she thought that I would be a good partner to someone. She was more of a good actor and cheerleader than a therapist. I got hospitalized many times in the following years so I’m glad I stood my ground and stayed single. I just wanted to have friends back then. Same as today.

    My current state reminds me of people who want to act like infants and it creeps me out. It’s very childish that I want to experience something that makes me feel comfortable and safe while being close to people before getting into a relationship. I’m older now. I can’t keep going like this. I either have to just jump into the deep end of the pool or just stay in the shallow end.

    #401487
    puChop
    Participant

    She did try to contact me through a couple of text messages and voice messages during the first two months I cut her off. She sounded sober on the last message she left for me, but it also seemed like she was just trying to blame her behavior on her illness. I don’t have a problem with the fact that only she only goes crazy when under the influence, but it felt like another manipulative attempt to bring me back into her life. I need her to understand that despite her illness and situation she needs to start taking responsibility for her own life. It’s not her fault that she grew up neglected and abused, but at our age she can’t keep going with that narrative. It may not feel fair or just, but picking ourselves up is often the only way to move forward as we get older. I can’t see any other way. She’s also friends with my past employers too. I introduced them to each other a while ago. I dunno if they’re still close friends after I ran from them. She did tell me she follows them on social media or something. I didn’t ask her any questions since it’s none of my business. But it still makes me feel weird.

    I can’t really share in detail the reasons for my anger without outing myself. This is why I chose to post here rather than reddit. One thing I can share is the constant isolation when I was growing up. Outside of school I had to stay home. Rarely had friends over or went over to their house. Parents told me everything is dangerous and that I’m too naive or incapable of handling real life like they could at the same age. When I got older I would talk about this to friends. I guess I was treating them like a free therapist cos they would find way to shut the subject down. They’ll tell me that they had struggles too because they were raised this way or that. That I’m not the only one who struggled. But they didn’t have the kind of lockdown restrictions I had growing up. They even said that my parents were extremely controlling.

    Then covid happened and many struggled with being isolated and quarantined. Especially children. Everyone can acknowledge this had a very negative impact of kids and it will affect their development for years to come. Maybe everyone that dismissed me can see it now? I’m not gloating. I don’t want kids to grow up like I did. It hurts a lot. I’m terrified on what kind of effect this will have on them. It really messed me up.

    I’m hoping people will understand better on how bad it was to grow up like this. But things have changed. I don’t really want to talk about this to anyone in real life anymore. Just on the internet when I need to vent. I’m older now so I have start picking myself up instead of whining about the past. It’s the only way to move forward. It’s just really hard doing that alone at an older age.

    #401376
    puChop
    Participant

    I don’t really know what I’d want to do for a vacation. The one thing that could help is if I was doing well financially so I wouldn’t be worried all the time. But there is no where I want to go and nothing I really want to do. I don’t want to meet people.

    And I think the married lady is now over me. She’s not giving me the same kind of attention like before. That’s a relief but the sudden change is also reminding me of break ups in the past and it is not helping my mood. Another reason why I don’t like getting emotionally involved with others. It hurts so much when the relationship or friendship ends. I’ve lost so many friendships and destroyed so many in the past. I don’t want to experience that anymore.

    I was friends with someone who was battling addiction. She was abused in her past and has serious co-dependency issues. We were friends for a few years, but I started to notice that she might have been using me as free therapy. Someone she can turn to when things fall apart with the current badboy she was dating at the time, and consequences of her bad decisions. I’ve told her so many times she need to stop dating and focus on herself. Get a handle on her addiction, become stable and be able to work full time again. But she would never listen. She would go out to party and come to me when she needed ‘support’. I cut all contact with her for nearly 6 months now. I have my own issues to deal with and having her throw her problems at me was going to make me snap. I didn’t want to blow up on her and be the bad guy so I just cut her off. I miss her so much. She was like a big sister to me. I was hoping that without me as her emotional crutch she would get a bit of a wake up call. I dunno If I should contact her to see how she’s doing.

    #400289
    puChop
    Participant

    To Helcat, yeah I have been thinking about changing jobs. I want a better paying job anyways. I’m just worried about the economy right now. Kinda worried that I’ll get a new job and then get layed off not long after.

    To Anita, you’re right. it was like a childhood dream coming true. I probably shouldn’t have read you reply when I was at work cos I thought I might start breaking down.

    My mood has been up and down lately. I’m under a lot of stress from other stuff I’m working on and it isn’t helping. I want to take a vacation. Even though it would just be a stay at home vacation I really need it. I just can’t afford to do that right now. It sucks. I feel so burned out.

    #399411
    puChop
    Participant

    Thank you for replying. I tried my best to keep it short and simple. These are some thoughts that’s been in my head for a while. I really needed to get it off my chest. Even if it’s out into the void of the internet.

    I’m not young anymore so this makes it even more difficult. Trying to make friends after you hit 30 is very difficult. It’s almost like I don’t want to anymore. My biggest fear is regretting going down the path of isolation when I’m on my death bed. If I don’t have that happen then it’s fine. I can live with my choice. But the fear is ever present.

    I still go out occasionally but not with people I’m been very close to. They are friendly and know me and some of the issues I’ve been going through, so it feels safe enough. Maybe that’s good enough, or that’s that’s the only thing that will work for me at this phase in my life.

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)