Haha thank you for writing K, and for the kind words! It is rare that someone calls my words wise (where is the LOL emoji when you need it?!) but I appreciate that! 🙂  I know what you mean about hearing yourself and seeing your awkwardness…I have been there before for sure! I think we are conditioned to be really harsh and critical of ourselves and it takes a long time to shrug this off, some of us never do! But I started seeing my awkwardness as endearing and unique to me and I find I beat myself up a lot less these days….I think that just comes with practice. As with changing your mindset…it just takes practice, and not allowing yourself to be too harsh on yourself when you slip up. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been going through some kind of spiritual awakening in the last few years (I’m 35, just for reference…it takes a long time to wake up!) and it is constant steps forward and back. Some moments are great, others I can get bogged down in irritation and negativity. But to just accept this as it is and that it’s ok and doesn’t mean I’m losing it or am doomed to be negative forever is pretty important.

I hear you about only-childness being pretty lonely, and what you described here and in your other thread does sound tough. As a child I think I was open with my parents when I was upset so that probably helped. I do think a counselor could be helpful to, as you said, “unpack” some of that stuff.  I’ve seen one on and off and I do think it was of some help. Totally understand on the missing out on the neices/nephews thing. I also don’t have kids of my own and am not sure if I will have them so I do sometimes get freaked out when I think about what my life looks like as an old woman! But I try not to think about that too much because we just never know what will happen. 🙂

Oh and I can so relate about rushing through the week to get to the weekend or wanting to GTFO of here so I can get home or get to the woods lol…I actually loved what you said “I can’t wait to get out of here and take a drive up north and be in the wilderness and enjoy quiet.” That sounds beautiful…do you have a special spot you like to go? I guess ideally we would all be able to just be present and not wanting to be somewhere else, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking forward to being somewhere you know will bring you peace.

So, I don’t know how much you know about Buddhism (I don’t know much, am just starting to learn bits and pieces) but one of the basics of it that really speaks to me and takes a while to soak in (I am paraphrasing based on my understanding) is that the cause of our suffering is attachment. Attachment to things, people, yes…but also attachment to ideas about how our life should look, who we are, what is going to happen later today, etc. And we can get rid of our suffering by letting go of this attachment! I find this super profound and helpful when I’m going through stuff.

About Brene Brown…I think what makes her books so great for me was that they introduced me to this idea that even the not so pretty parts of myself (impatience, awkwardness, chubby legs) that I don’t like are all imperfectly perfect! She writes a lot about shame and vulnerability. And she’s funny! So her books have a lot of depth but they’re also entertaining, good reads. I don’t think we realize how much shame plays a role in how we live our lives…like we go through life thinking there is something wrong with us and we constantly struggle to be our authentic selves. When we can let go of the shame buried inside of us, it’s much easier to be our authentic selves…sometimes other people don’t like this because we become less “people-pleasing”. But there is such a freedom in being yourself. And you know, maybe your authentic self just doesn’t like or do well with small talk and that is ok!!! “The Gifts of Imperfection” is what kicked off my love for her.

Love this and your self-awareness. :)”Finally, my other favorite quote I read here in my travels is: “No one gets to the end of his or her life and thinks, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” [so true] I think if I had to say, this particular quote has helped me the most recently. Like, is this really something worth getting annoyed/mad over? Bringing it up in a hurtful way? Is this truly important? Am I the problem in this situation? Am I the one that needs to take a step back in this particular instance?”

Just an fyi – I’m only really on the computer at work so my responses might be sporadic! Especially this weekend as I’m taking off Friday and Monday woooo 😀

Take care!

Katie

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Katie.

Hey K,

Thanks for responding! What you said resonates with me, I really do hear you. I feel the same frustrations sometimes and I do think it’s important to remember – as you said – that you don’t have to engage in these things if you don’t want to, but it is also totally ok to engage if you’re feeling it another time! And I agree…sometimes when I actually initiate a conversation about something I care about, I am surprised that other people do care and we are able to talk about it. I think with the way our society is so “connected” these days, it’s easy to forget the beauty (and necessity!) of silence. We don’t always have to be talking/listening to still be connected to one another…just with kindness, a mutual understanding that we are all on this journey together, albeit each with our own paths and experiences. I think sometimes people get really uncomfortable with silence so they try to fill it with chatter – sometimes maybe it’s something that’s of interest, sometimes something I couldn’t care less about and this is when I start getting annoyed and feeling like I need to get out of this interaction NOW. I think as we become more mindful, we are more conscious of the words we are putting out there…they really do make an impact, as do the words from others that we take in. I loved your last sentence – “ultimately I always have my permission to do what I need to and want to, and to honor myself and preserve my energy and sanity”. Nailed it!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Katie. Reason: forgot the end of a sentence!

Hi Mutubu,

I can’t really speak to whether or not you should go visit her…I think the conversations you have in the coming months will help you decide that. I do have a different perspective though…or maybe I just misunderstood your post a little. But from what I understood, after 3 months of talking she wanted to make it official with you and have a full on committed relationship, right? But you told her now was not a good time and to wait till summer. So it seems to me like she may have felt rejected and allowed herself to feel things for other people which she is allowed to do as you two were not in a relationship. I think you both need to have an honest conversation with each other, one in which hopefully she can be open and honest as well. You can express your feelings for her and also your doubts and see how she responds.

Hi Christina,

I can appreciate what you wrote. Anxiety sucks, and I think this overthinking tendency is probably a symptom of that. Or other way around, I am not sure? Either way, they’re related for sure. Our monkey brains trying to see a threat where there is none.

It’s not a great answer, but I think getting older has played a huge part in helping me overcome it (although it still presents itself sometimes!). You said you’re a jr in college so I’m guessing you’re probably 21-ish. I’m 34 so have several years on you. I think noticing patterns and how they’re not working for you is the first step in making changes. I realized I was only making myself miserable and while I do still struggle with getting down in the dumps and overthinking at times, I made the decision to talk to myself as I would my best friend and not an enemy. This change in my perception has definitely made a big difference. Also the realization that we only get one of these lives and I want to enjoy it. Sounds simple, and it really is…but maybe not easy all the time. I’m sorry I can’t give you more concrete advice…I would say to just be patient, kind and loving with yourself.  I also get tired of wasting precious time and energy ruminating about the past and worrying about the future. Your mindset really can change with practice. And patience. Brene Brown’s books (The Gifts of Imperfection in particular) have also been a big help. I don’t want to make it sound like I don’t still struggle, but I think the most important thing is learning to forgive yourself and move on when you do. You deserve happiness, you really do <3

Hi Mima37,

I’ve found Brene Brown’s books to be super powerful, helpful AND entertaining to boot. Would definitely recommend her 🙂