Ok, that’s how I was before so I can do that.

And when she makes small digs at me rather than communicate what she wants to say? What do you advise I do there?

ok get that.

However, when she cries around me, what do I do? I can’t just walk away? I accept that she doesn’t want help, so I won’t give her it. But I need t set a boundary that her problems aren’t my problems. I guess I need to accept also that she cannot support me in the emotional way I wish, so I need to stop expecting her too and seek it elsewhere (friends etc). However, also in this situation she brought the problem to me, I feel. By me asking her if she wanted to talk about the fact I was speaking to my ex boyfriend I gave her the opportunity to share with me her thoughts & feelings, but she didn’t, instead she jibed about me saying “practice what you preach” this built up anger and annoyance inside of me, what should I have done, walked away instead of engaged? Is it me doing something wrong? Am I engaging in something I shouldn’t be?

Hi Anita,
Thanks again for your time.

In regards to the ex boyfriend situation, I must not have updated. Last time I told him I needed to heal and figure things out for myself. I feel I need to find my self love, & I’ve realised I hold relationships through fear of being alone, being needy etc.. Once I truly love myself and my life, that is when I feel I can let someone, whether it be him or not, in. He responded that he wasn’t ‘waiting around’ and that was kind of that, that’s when a week or so later he turned up at my house with flowers asking for me back again. I have said to him I need time to think, but will revisit this with him this week and say the same a what I’ve said above. Nothings changed and probably won’t for a few months, maybe years, I can’t put a time limit on it.

As I live with her currently and haven’t got much choice not too, what do you mean when you you say stop trying? I admit I am guilty in feeling like I want to change her, I need to accept that I can’t. I do this because I know I can help ‘fix’ the problems – but in a counselling way – but as people have said, you can’t do this with your parents. She gets offended by my advice, which I guess I shouldn’t freely give, as with my friends I ask “Can I give you my advice?” before proceeding or wait for them to ask me. But when your Mum is crying in front of you because of something she feels is wrong with my Dad, how can I deal with that? “Sorry this problem is something I cannot deal with, I love you and I care you, however, Dad is the person you need to speak with, not me” ? Would this be a good example? I just feel all her anger towards him was put on me and also in regards to my ex boyfriend, I appreciate she is scared if I got back with him, but I haven’t said I am going too, she’s made an assumption, even after giving her the option to speak to me. So I get that I need to stop trying, but when things directly effect me, how can I?

Ok that’s makes more sense to me now.
I would be lying if I didn’t say a small part of me would like for me & my ex too work, however, when I have discussed with him in the past that I need to work on myself & he needs to prove over a long period of time that he wants us to work & be a nicer person (he has been quite negative during our break up due to his emotions & not really being able to control them, so gets annoyed & shows that) he seems to think he has changed & got that under wraps. Now I know people can change, but is it unfair for me to almost expect him to wait? Because in a nut shell that’s almost what I’m doing his interpretation is “I’m going to work on myself for a few months, wait for me, put your life on hold & we’ll reconnect in 6 months” what do these thoughts from him translate too, in your eyes? Because I do think he has a valid point, however there is no other way for me.

I struggle to see the obvious parts in this as I am emotionally involved so I do apologise if sometimes you may wonder why I don’t see obvious things.

In regards to my Mum, when she says these little digs at me it makes me angry the majority or the time, sometimes I can snap at her, sometimes I can almost make a joke & sometimes I walk away. It makes me feel annoyed that she can’t just talk to me & instead digs with what she wants to say. Sometimes I don’t mind ignoring it, sometimes I can’t help but respond negatively. I also don’t understand how I can just allow it by walking away, I suppose that in itself gives her a signal of being upset? Because when I try to talk to her about how I feel she tells me not everything is about me – so I will use I messages “I feel sad because…” But even that doesn’t seem to work. I’ve had a fear instilled within me for years that I’ve struggled to tell people (romantic relationships in particular) how I feel, I guess we were never brought up to be emotionally open so I never really have been & have battled for years with that, so then when I do open up with her I get faced with the same wall I have from others this makes me want to retreat into my cave again, I have explained this to her, but she took it on as if I was blaming her for being that way & that it was her fault??…..

I am living with my parents yes. The possibility of moving out yet is slim, however possible once I have paid off debts. I am going on a last minute trip to Africa in April through a volunteering opportunity so I am paying that but have about a year left on a loan to pay, so realistically not for a year.

My Dad has said to my Mum that she doesn’t listen and that it would help more if she spoke to me supportively rather than shouting and getting angry. He has battled with her for years, he says she is always right and never listens to anyone else’s thoughts, feelings or opinions. He choose to ‘ignore’ her as he can’t be bothered to stick up for himself and say anything, so just lives an easy life now. She sees this as we’re ganging up on her, but sometimes shes unbearable – most of the family see her way or lack of communication and agree. She is negative a lot of the time, always seeing the bad things in people, taking on others problems and never coming up with solutions to her problems. She would rather just sit and moan and be in denial to it.