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PoppyxoParticipantIt’s not like I haven’t been forward in that I like him etc I’m not playing hard to get. It’s just in the past I have approached the guy to make the plans about where to go and what to do and sometimes I’ve been in positions where actually the guy doesn’t like me in terms of relationship material and is only after one thing or I get into a relationship with a guy who has minimal investment because I’m doing all the work. I don’t want to get into that trap again – it’s finding the middle ground, by not being too guarded.
Make sense?
PoppyxoParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for that – it helps to know that I am not the only one and that my thinking and feeling isn’t flawed and that I’m just expecting a little too much from myself and should be kinder and more loving in my healing, new process. :- )PoppyxoParticipantHi Inky,
Yes, to be honest, the more I think of it the more I realise I need to allow more time or make a change.
I think I am hoping that because I have recognised the situation, the emotions and feelings should therefore disappear. I don’t think my acceptance is actually full acceptance. I guess I don’t like recognising and sitting with it as opposed too before when I’d ignore it, I know in the longer run being aware of my emotions is better for me, just out of the ordinary!PoppyxoParticipantHi Anna,
Have you spoken to him about it? The only person you can get the real answers from really is himself, it sounds to me like you’ve had the news and just left, feeling confused, without understanding the situation? From what you’ve written, that’s how I feel. Apologies if I’ve picked that up wrong..
PoppyxoParticipantHi Caroline,
Thank you for this.
Well done for embracing your ‘aloneness’ for 13 years, wow!
I am trying to embrace my loneliness as much as I can, I’ve even now got a diary with each day pretty much filled! I read lots, meditate, catch up on trash TV (I do enjoy this lol), spend time with friends and family.. I’m actually about to embark on a humanitarian trip to Africa – once I’m back from this I will probably laugh at this post!
It’s weird as I don’t want anyone else at the moment, but can feel so alone.
I think it’s because normally I’d be getting into a relationship by now to mask over the loneliness so that I don’t have to feel it and just ignore it therefore it’s not ‘normal’ and my mind is like ‘WHATS THIS?’ .. the old fight or flight situation, where I usually flight by now I’m having to fight…. I guess I just got to fight it.PoppyxoParticipantThank you both.
It’s funny, I had a bad night, or lack of, sleep last night & my mood has finally lifted & reading back over this my first thought was “why do you need a relationship to feel complete?” & That’s generally my thoughts when people come on this site asking the same type of question. I guess I’m putting too much pressure on myself.. 8 months single isn’t a long time at all. I just don’t want to put up so many barriers in fear of getting back in the same circle I’ve been in, so that I push away guys who could have potential & that be my new “obstacle” as opposed to fear of being alone, so almost trading in one for another. Does that make sense?
PoppyxoParticipantHeartbrokengurl,
Please don’t involve yourself in a man at work who has a girlfriend. How will this help you?
PoppyxoParticipantHeartbrokengurl,
You have answered your own question, read this carefully “I keep getting this urge to just date right away because I can’t stand the loneliness.” Please, please, please do not search for somebody else to fill this loneliness gap.
Work on yourself and then when you are ready to find someone because you want to find a companion to love, THEN date. Don’t date because you are lonely as you will only attract similar people that are lonely too and usually this is a recipe for disaster. You need to work on yourself, you need to learn to love yourself so this loneliness subsides and you begin to enjoy your own company. You cannot rely on other people to take this loneliness away, only you can do this.
Read this book – its helped me tremendously – Self Compassion by Kristin Neff
PoppyxoParticipantHi Michele,
From what you have said, your boyfriend doesn’t sound very respectful to your needs at all. Is this something you want for yourself long term?
PoppyxoParticipantHi Cee,
I wonder if there will ever be any potential in this to be perfectly honest.
He has quite clearly told you he is still heartbroken over somebody else, and although he has said it’s nothing to do with you (you haven’t done anything wrong) this is his way of breaking things off gently, I believe.I wonder if you got involved a few weeks or months down the line that you would end up getting hurt because of his obvious honesty with the way he is at the moment. You’ve only known him a short while, so I wouldn’t really hold out on anything progressing. But as Anita said, if you completely give him space and leave it, things may work out, but no time soon.
March 10, 2017 at 2:25 am in reply to: Still struggling hard 3 months after breakup. Why can't I let her go? #138689PoppyxoParticipantHi Josh,
From what you are saying, I wonder why you think that as you don’t want to look at or involve yourself in another girl/relationship is an issue? You need to be complete and whole on your own, you don’t need someone else to do this for you and for you to be able do this shows amazing strength! When we come out of a relationship for some reason there is a stigma that we must be with someone else or else we don’t equate to anything. Use this time to heal and grow.. I think witnessing some type of acceptance would help, here’s what I mean by that…
Acceptance. So the fear has to be present and you recognise what it is that frightens you. Really look at it (for example being on your own). Totally accept it in its most horrible state, feel the loneliness, call it loneliness. Say “I feel lonely” . Then the sadness that arrives “I feel sad”… Then the fear…”I will be lonely forever”. Etc. Totally accept the bad feelings. Accept that you feel lonely, don’t distract yourself from it. Cry. But once you start accepting it, the tears will dry up. Because you realise that the feeling is not a tangible thing, it just passes. But if you resist it, it will persist, and persist, and persist. Experience your emotions, don’t be afraid to fully absorb yourself in them, cry to God if you need to but most importantly, accept them. Anything you accept loses its power completely, because acceptance is making peace. Opposition is creating conflict. Opposing feelings creates conflict within you
March 7, 2017 at 3:22 pm in reply to: Still struggling hard 3 months after breakup. Why can't I let her go? #136679PoppyxoParticipantHi Josh,
Realisations are good, as they help you learn what may have gone wrong & what to work on for the future.
But you must’ve go into ‘victim’ mode and blame yourself. It was a two way relationship & sometimes the things she could’ve changed, may have changed your responses & reactions & vice versa. As humans we are triggered & act in ways that are determined by our upbringing/childhood & good & bad experiences along the way.
The fact is, nothing can be changed in the way that they played out, everything happens for a reason.
Would you say your situation now is more so how to heal from this situation as opposed too wanting her back?
March 7, 2017 at 8:50 am in reply to: Still struggling hard 3 months after breakup. Why can't I let her go? #136577PoppyxoParticipantDid you both communicate a lot about your thoughts and feelings?
You said that she said she wasn’t happy – did she discuss this with you prior to leaving?
March 7, 2017 at 8:39 am in reply to: Still struggling hard 3 months after breakup. Why can't I let her go? #136571PoppyxoParticipantHi Josh,
Good on you for being so open & honest.
I understand that the dates didn’t work out for you both – I do feel from what you’ve explained that the majority of the communication you’ve had with each other is via text, is this right? I am tempted to say things like would a face-to-face meet help, but I see she is now in a new relationship. I do feel like, from what you’ve explained that she hasn’t really given detailed reasons on why you split, ok she said she felt awkward etc but she never explained that for so long she felt like this and I feel that because of that you feel like it’s your fault that you almost didn’t pick up on these things. If someone isn’t communicating to you their needs, how can you meet them? If someone isn’t telling you how they truly feel, how could you possibly know, you are not a mind reader?In regards to her being in another relationship, I’d like to share my experience from a few years ago.. I went from relationship to relationship, pretty much merging 3 relationships over 10 years, with as little as a few weeks being single. I done this because I hoped that boyfriend B would fix me from the damage my relationship which boyfriend A caused, then I met boyfriend C hoping he would fix me from the damage both A & B caused (I say caused, but I mean the devastation from our relationship together, regardless of ‘blame’) so basically I was trying to ‘cover up’ my emotions, how I felt, the empty gap within me and the need to be loved after feeling unlovable for a long or short time. I thought finding somebody else would fill the gap – it has taken me a while to realise this is not the case, but I would like to think your ex may be doing this also. You were together for a significant period of time.
It’s hard really to almost give a solution to this as she has said she felt awkward etc, but I also wonder again, how these things were communicated to you? I’m unsure if a conversation/meet would be viable with her?
PoppyxoParticipantHi Tessa,
I haven’t read Anita’s responses as I wanted to give my own, so apologise if I repeat anything she has already said.
First let me say I have been in this same situation with a friend, my sister but more so my Mum.What you need to understand is that her projections are about her. When she see’s the realizations you have come too and see’s how powerful and strong that is for you, it brings up insecurity within her. She may consciously or subconsciously think “I wish I was as powerful as her, I wish I had the spark she has, but I haven’t got time, I can’t be bothered, I like being here, being stuck” and that’s ok, that’s her journey and you need to accept and appreciate that. We all go on our own journeys. My Mum hated my ex boyfriend and when I would explain the reasons for his behaviours, not condoning them, but trying to understand why he was doing what he was from a empathetic side, and she would say silly things like “why doesn’t he go and die!” hmmm… but I’ve realised that I can’t tell her or anyone stuff like this – I tell one close friend, but even she has a difference of opinion sometimes to what my therapist has said. So, this is normal for people to do this, don’t feel singled out.
When you begin to feel more empathy for people, you will realise that everybody is fighting their own battle and when you come out more positive, with answers and acknowledgements, they usually resent that and you – but again, it’s about them, not you.Maybe you could speak to your therapist about this aswell?
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