Thanks Anita, You’re always ever so helpful.

Yeah, the communication at home (he’s still living with parents as am I) isn’t great. I’ve witnessed it myself so it’s not just hearsay. He cannot give opinions or constructive feedback without his parents blowing up or seeing it as “my son is trying to tell me what to do, this is my house, my rules” regardless of the fact he has a heart of gold & is only airing his opinion, in a positive manner (again witnessed).

Thanks Anita.
It’s frustrating for me as well because I am results driven so I say “ok so what are we going to do about this?” but there is always a reason/excuse for not being able to resolve the situation.
I feel, that his situation could be made better if he took a different approach to his current one, he currently emotionally takes it on, will get annoyed at his company etc.. his company is a sham, I don’t dispute that, & when he airs his concerns to them he doesn’t get heard – or so he thinks & the problems continue. I’ve suggested getting a new job but for some reason he hasn’t been actively looking (or he is & he hasn’t said). He has been signed off of work for two weeks & is dreading going back tomorrow – I don’t want to stress him out further or add to his worries, but at the same time I need to be honest with him about how I feel also.
I’m not perfect, but I can’t think of a time I repeatedly shared something distressing with him & didn’t come to a resolution – because for me, this is how I now cope with things – by solving it, changing it, or accepting it.
It worries me going forward about his resilience to problems & stress.

Poppy

Thank you both for your thoughts.

Anita – I have met his family & his friends & find that he is no different around them. I have met them quite a few times in fact. He has also met mine just about the same. I usually leave meeting the family & friends till quite late, but realised that actually this part is very relevant & important in establishing who someone is as a person as opposed to what you want them to think, or like PearceHawk said, what they conform too.

I know of a friend who has become official with her boyfriend, all over Facebook you name it & they haven’t even met each others family yet!! It’s good to know that what I am doing is ok & ‘normal’.. it’s nice to have this normalised as I guess my mind can worry – bane of my life!

I’m happy to continue ignoring him. I’ve been thinking this over the last couple of days & my view is that if I say something he won’t take much notice & if I block him I feel it’ll rile him & he won’t pay so I think I’ll just wait for him to get bored. Particularly as my new man doesn’t seem fazed by it, if he had a problem with it obviously I’d want to squash that for him

Thank you all for your kind words x

Hi Pearce,

Thank you so much for telling me your story. & I’m sorry this happened to you. Thank you also for your kind words.

I do understand what you’re saying & I have considered this myself. However, this would mean I would need to pay the monthly payment myself which although this is doable, it would make my quality of life – being able to go out & treat myself, go for meals and drinks with the new man in life – a little more difficult & tight.. therefore the option to pay this myself is a last resort really as I would end up suffering in other ways. If it was money I had given him in a chunk, then I would write this off but as it’s in the form of a loan it makes a small difference.

Hi Anita,

He has paid monthly on time ever since taking the loan out. There is about 2 years left on the loan…. When the loan gets lower I don’t mind paying for it & wiping this slate but at the moment as it is quite a lot of money for me to fork out.

Hi Inky,

Thank you – I will not be doing this again.. ever! Lol

Yes, I’m glad I have this awareness, I think maybe I’m trying to gain validation when I already have the answers inside. Sometimes its just nice to bounce these things off people and hear the responses. 10 years in relationships that suck is not good and I think sometimes I worry more about potential outcomes instead of just trusting myself.

Yes, that’s right. I don’t want to come off cold and allow him to think he has to make all the plans, but I don’t want to row the boat too much and make all the decisions.