Hi Katherine,

I have had a similar problem with my Mum. The only difference is she is still with us.
It’s hard for me to type this all out, but for a long time my Mum has been critical, not just to me, but my Dad as well & sometimes others, but mainly us because we all live together (I started a post a while ago in relation to this which you may find helpful reading others comments).

What I found is that.. hurt people hurt people. That’s how patterns get passed on, generation after generation. I learnt to meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness, grimaces with smiles, to forgive & forget about finding fault as love is the weapon of the future. I’m not sure about you but every time my Mum criticizes me or is negative towards me I used to react to this – so she would say “why are you doing that??” & I’d be like ” because….” & get angry at her for even questioning me, this would then lead on to an exchange of words & nothing would get solved. When I realised that she was actually a ‘hurt person’ I tried to look at her criticisms with sympathy & compassion & soon I actually felt sorry for her ‘poor you, you’re hurting so much you don’t even realise it’ then I went in to ‘people saving mode’ thinking I could save her, I can help her, I can make her see her ways. Never worked, never does, you can’t change people, only your response or yourself. So now, when this arises, I simply keep my cool, nod & agree or even just listen most of the time, or I’ve walked away.. I’ve managed to get the nack of just brushing it off. I then went through a stage where I would feel bad for this, like I wasn’t good enough in my attempts to make her happy. Like I wasn’t enough as her daughter.

Growing up, did you ever feel like you weren’t enough? Has this moved forward into your adult life, that you feel that her jibes were aimed directly at you? Because to be fair, they probably weren’t.
Basically, I think what I’m getting at is you never know what happens behind closed doors in peoples lives & how they deal differently with different things, & unfortunately sometimes we & others can become a bit of an emotional body bag. My Nan & Grandad passed away (Mums Mum & Dad) & this is when my Mums criticism started, all her unresolved hurt & grief was expressed through negativity & unfortunately I was one of those who were the punch bag. But rather than think – ‘must be me, must be my fault’, I’d think ‘poor you for suffering so much’.

You should check out the book “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner, it may help you better understand. Also, if this becomes too much for you, in terms of unresolved questions & feelings, it may be worth looking into seeing a Counsellor 🙂

Hi Inky,

Apologies, I know everyone is entitled to an opinion, but do you really see yours as helpful? Getting the other husbands number & inviting them to dinner? Are you trying to feed dawn101 to become a paranoid psychopathic wife?

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Poppyxo.

Hi Caseyxoxo,

I’d like to admit that after your second paragraph I stopped reading.

You seem to be heavily chasing this guy, why do you think that is? Do you agree with my opinion?
Is there any reason why you can’t just sit back, get on with your own life, your own friends, your own family & catch up with him if & when he calls? You seem to be basing your entire life around this guy, who has quite clearly stated he isn’t ready for a relationship yet.

Could you wait & see if he calls? If he calls, great, plan something go do something together, if he doesn’t then you know where you stand with him.
You said “I am used to men disappointing me and not following through …” Do you think that maybe you put a little too much time & effort into men & not get anything back?

Let me know what you think 🙂

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Poppyxo.

No Problem Lea, I hope they come of help.

I notice you said ” I am trying to accept the fact that there’s a possibility of get hurt again, but if the next time happens hopefully I will be a stronger individual.” Please try to remember, that as long as you seed out the “not good for you men” early on, so spotting signals & red flags that don’t sit well with you & that you don’t agree with, the chances of you getting hurt again are very very low. I did this with my current partner & anything that he presented to me that wasn’t in my eyes acceptable, I would bring this up with him & we would sort it out. Although to be fair it was never anything big, if he was texting his ex girlfriend then clearly that is not acceptable & I would walk away from him, but if I felt like he was disrespecting me I would be like look I find that disrespectful because… & we would talk about it, he would understand, & we’d move forward. From this he would know I value myself & my worth & would be more considerate of me going forward, therefore there is never any reason for him to hurt me. If it’s dealt with accordingly then all is well. There is the chance of course that very randomly out the blue he could go & cheat on me, I can never guarantee that but I can’t sit in anxiety & think about things like that, because they do not help or serve me. But I know if a situation like that should occur I am strong enough to deal with it 🙂

I hope this makes sense?

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Poppyxo.

Hi Lea,

Your story sounds like mine, you’re not alone. Without going into too much detail, let me share you my story & how I have found love again..
So my ex relationship was similar to yours described, he was messaging his ex & I put the blame on myself. He played games,  he had narcissistic traits, & just generally turned everything onto me, we lived together & at the time I thought he was “the one”.  Looking back he couldn’t have been any further than “the one”.
I had previous bad relationships before him & he always promised me a better life.

Anyway, when we split up it was horrendous.. I decided to be single for as long as it took to heal & it took just over a year. In this year I read countless books (I’ll name them below), articles, videos on YouTube & had some counselling, I went to Africa on a Humanitarian trip & even enrolled myself onto a course to become a Counsellor! A lot happened that year, but mainly growth & realisations. I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s all about you & who you attract & how you deal with things. I found that although yes my ex boyfriend wasn’t the nicest man in the end, I allowed myself to accept his bad behaviours & his red flags in the beginning of our relationship, which inevitably set me up to fail. I’m not saying him leaving you for someone else is your fault, but going forward, when we can be the best version of ourselves, looking after ourselves as much mentally as we do physically, we’ll attract someone who respects us as much as we respect ourself.

When I met my current partner I was anxious & I communicated this to him, but I didn’t come across as a victim, I explained that this is why I may be a little reserved etc & we took things extremely slow. He had to work for me, he didn’t just receive me like all my ex boyfriends did, & boy did he work for me, bless him. He knew I saw my worth, therefore he also saw my worth. & as soon as something happened that I didn’t like, I’d express that to him & we’d sort it out together & move forward, he then knew I wasn’t messing around wasting my time & that I could openly & honestly communicate, or leave at any time.
It is scary, but what you’ve got to remember is that a new person isn’t an old person, & thinking & saying things to yourself like “I’m going to get hurt again because..” is self limiting language. You are in charge of your life, & if you’re scared of getting hurt again all you can do is recognise these behaviours etc & act on them. I dated my current partner for around 4 months before becoming “official”. We spent the weekend away together, I asked him lots of questions, ones you’d probably feel awkward asking. See it as being an interviewer interviewing an employee to work for you, you want to make sure they’re the right person for the job, same as a boyfriend (ok don’t sit & ask him 100 questions word for word on paper) but you need to make sure he is a right match for you. Make sure you can communicate, not just about easy stuff, but hard stuff too. Make sure that all values and needs are being met. Mine for example are: communication, honestly, loyalty, love – if my partner didn’t match those I wouldn’t have became his girlfriend. Would  you buy something in the shop you don’t actually like?

What do you think?

Hi Janet,

Bless you. First of all, don’t drink too much the night you go out. Agreed?
Secondly, within a romantic relationship, particularly a marriage, communication is key. Whilst airing your concerns may not sit well with your husband, there are ways in which you communicate this without blaming. What I mean is say “I feel insecure” instead of “I’m insecure because I think you’re doing something to make me insecure & my intuition is usually right” when he questions why you feel insecure explain that your anxiety etc is getting the better of you.

Ultimately, this is an inside job & has little to do with your husband. As hard as it is to understand & accept, you are most probably insecure with yourself for whatever reason, because when we are fully secure with ourselves in every way, we don’t doubt or have negative, potential damaging, thoughts.
Long term I think you would benefit from downloading Headspace & being mindful. This is about living for the moment right now & training your mind to realise when you’re having negative thoughts about yourself & your husband, & realizing it is just that.. a thought. Our brains are wired to protect us, by being mindful you will rewire your brain to see that although these thoughts are destructive, they are just that, thoughts.

What do you think?

Hi Sunflower25,
Although you haven’t said how this is a damaging environment, I can empathise with you on this one.
My Mum is very insecure & potentially damaging to those around her, (bless her), and dealing with her has been difficult as I moved back home a year ago, due to a relationship breakdown. I’ll give you a little background to help you better understand…

On many occasions I have questioned why she wouldn’t change, & for a few months persuaded myself that I could change her behaviours, attitudes & beliefs. I failed miserably. I used to think “If only she would change”. I went to Counselling for the relationship breakdown, along with the issues faced with my Mum. My counsellor asked me how trying to change her was going, & every time I’d see my Counsellor I thought I was that little bit closer & would soon tell my Counsellor I’d succeeded in changing her, I was very wrong. Everytime I would highlight my Mums behaviour to my Mum (I had lots of different ways of doing it) I was met by a very angry, disapproving person & I soon realised I couldn’t change her. My Counsellor made me see that I can only change myself & my reactions/triggers to my Mum. I used to think “but why should I have to change MYSELF, when she doesn’t want to change herself, or see the problem???” Yes that’s a valid point, however, I was suffering from this, nobody else, my Mum was oblivious to here behaviour towards me, so the only thing I could do was change myself & the ways in which I received/dealt with things.
It was & still is a difficult road but I’ve found that I take myself out of situations as much as I can, I’ll come in have dinner, shower & go straight to my room. In the morning I’ll wash, make a drink, get ready & go. I stay at my boyfriends at the weekend & unfortunately, I keep contact with her to a minimum. I’ve found she was a trigger for me, & that I needed to control that trigger. Sometimes she would say things that I don’t find constructive or nice, but instead of answering with a trigger so “go away, why are you so horrible” I found a technique by Marissa Peer which I’ve pasted at the bottom, along with an article found on here about what I’m explaining.
Sometimes, it can be our triggers to things that “cause the problem”, obviously if someone is quite obviously abusing you, mentally or physically, the only option you have is completely removing yourself from the situation.
I will also add, something has usually happened to these people to make them this way, for example my Mum lost her Mum & Dad with a year between then around 6 years ago, therefore I believe this has effected her in this way, so I try to look at my Mum with empathy, as opposed to her being a horrible monster – this helps me because I feel sorry for her as opposed to angry at her.
Sometimes, looking at the positives as well can help, they’ve been grateful enough to let you back in their home when things have not gone to plan for you, they may not be able to mentally support you, but they have done physically.

Focus on Yourself Instead of Trying to Change Someone Else

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Poppyxo.

Hi Nia N,

Reading this sounded like reading my life.
This happened to me over a year ago – pretty much exactly as you have written.
What advice is it exactly you’re after? How to move forward? How to feel better? etc?