Martin,

Wanting to do better than the previous generation is natural, but it comes from a place of suffering, a survival mentality. It’s understandable that you want more out of life than that. But you need to change the way that you think. In a survival mentality you are thinking how everything benefits you, personally. This could be why pursuing more money has little appeal to you, you may be comfortable in the work that you do, but the downside is, you are feeling unfulfilled in doing it. Because it’s personally motivated, you are weighing the effort versus the reward. But the only true meaning and lasting legacy we make, does not come from only ourselves.

I know you have had trouble in this area, because you haven’t had a strong support base behind you. No one has ever truly been there for you, unconditionally. It’s understandable why you are afraid to open up in relationships, why you fear rejection, why you fear being alone. You desire a deep connection with others, but you let fear get in the way of progress, because you were discarded in the past. You feel unworthy of being accepted as you truly are, this is why you guard yourself from getting too close to others. Because your father abandoned you, and your mother was unable to be there for you, because she was too busy struggling to survive herself. But don’t resent them for it, many people struggle, are wounded, are insecure, and are ruled by their fears. They are broken, lost, individuals who need help. Once you can put yourself in their shoes, and see the world as they do, you will understand.
You are on the verge of emerging from this life, once wounded by rejection and struggling to survive. Now free from those fears which ruled over you. Being aware of the factors that brought you here, allows you to turn your pain into joy, by being thankful for the truly great person that they forged you into. You can emerge from those flames, baptized as a new man. You can turn that deep need for connection with others by becoming the very thing you seek, for others. And in doing so receive it for yourself. Be that unshakable support, that unwavering strength, that non-judgmental person you were always meant to be. The very embodiment of unconditional love itself. You will find you have too many friends to count. If you become what you desire, you will attract it.

Remember that nothing we do for ourselves will remain, only that which we do for others continues on, statues erode, accomplishments are forgotten, records are broken, competition never ends, but life continues on. All that matters is how you impact the life around you, and how they in turn impact others lives, how it’s passed down through generations to come.

Your job has become monotonous because you are too focused on the aspects which don’t interest you, those aspects contrary to your initial motives for pursuing the career in the first place. We all have our motivations for doing certain work, for going to school to get the jobs that we want. But when we actually get these jobs, they turn out to not be what we expected, because they often entail work that has little to no relation to our actual motivation. Many Doctors are attracted to their jobs to help people, this gets muddled up by piles of paperwork and administration. Leading to them losing their enthusiasm for their work, because they aren’t enthusiastic about filing paperwork. The same goes for you, remember the initial impression you had of IT work when you went to college. How did you picture that work being? How can you best fulfill that motivation of yours without all that monotonous daily grinding? If there isn’t a career in IT that fits your motivation, make one. Become an entrepreneur, consider how to create a job that will fulfill that initial motivation you had.
The reason why I turned the question back on you, is deep down you know the things that you enjoy, that motivate you. There could be many reasons why you lost enthusiasm for your hobbies: You don’t see the personal benefit in doing them, but remember that we get out of life what we put into it. Reorient your life to fit your initial motivation and apply it to benefit others. Believe me, your work will not be monotonous at all, it will be filled with all kinds of meaning and it will make a lasting impression which will leave a lasting legacy.

Joshua,

Hello Martin,

I have a few questions. How close are you to your mother?

I had worked many jobs, and had many relationships.

What kind of relationships? Do you have any close friends? If these are intimate relationships, why did they end?

I went to college for something I thought I would enjoy because it was what I did to entertain myself most of the time anyways…

Why don’t you enjoy this anymore? Why didn’t you enjoy this new job?

All the hobbies I once enjoyed now do nothing for me.

Why do these hobbies no longer entertain you?

I can’t seem to find purpose in my life.

What purpose would fulfill you?

..the feeling comes in waves so I could have a good day and feel like I don’t need help and then the next day I could not want to wake up or do anything…

Do you have anyone that supports you? Anyone that is there for you, that encourages you, that engages you?

I feel as though I have no purpose and it wouldn’t change the world if I just disappeared..”

What change would you like to make upon the world? How do you wish to be remembered? What do you want to be known for?

Joshua,

It’s interesting, because on the one hand you seem to know exactly what is going on with him but you can’t quite seem to figure out how to address the issue. The emotional abuse is a symptom of that pressure to change, which produces stress. You see, men can be nurturers, but it’s not the primary role of their physiology. It causes a great deal of stress and insecurity in a man, to fulfill a role opposite to his physiology. Working contrary to his desires to be a protector, a hunter, a leader and to establish order in a family. He begins to feel insignificant, to feel drained, and this produces a lot of negativity, and a lot of resentment directed at those around him and at you. The purpose of a relationship, is to not only help each other grow, but to be a solid foundation for the family, to provide for all of its needs and to reproduce that initial success in its offspring. You aren’t happy because you don’t get time with the kids and can’t fall into the role you desire, as a nurturer, a homemaker, to form lasting bonds throughout the family and maintain its cohesivity, to be a foundation of support. He’s not happy because he’s found himself in a role he’s not naturally proficient in. He can’t identify with his masculinity, because he is working against it, which hurts him in all aspects of his life, including friendships and family. The problem is, your natural inclinations to fulfill your role, by being supportive, caring, understanding, compassionate, helpful, are directed at the wrong objective. The objective being, him falling into a role his heart is not set in, which he has little proficiency in, and confidence in doing. So although you are doing everything right, its to accomplish the wrong goal, it’s alienating him from feeling masculine, from identifying with his married male friends, from being confident in accomplishing the tasks he sets out to do, from establishing order in the family, and from being a role model and a blanket of security for his family.

How do we fix this? Awareness helps, which you’ve got in spades. He needs to be supported in a leadership role, to gain control over the families course, to get a job and once again start providing for the family. This doesn’t mean you have to quit your job, but you can ease back on your hours so you have more time with the family. This will ease up on the pressure he feels, relieving stress, give him more time outside the relationship to focus on having fun and connect with other married men with good values to impress upon him. More time for you both to rekindle the romance in your relationship. Think back to what attracted the two of you together in the first place, what was it about him that you loved so much before the kids came along and all the stress of raising a family? What was it about you that he loved? Try to get back to that initial fire you had that brought you both together, because those flames are dying out.
Encourage him to make more decisions which will result in him being more outspoken, nurture his confidence by building him up, allow him to guide the conversations with others, he will feel uncomfortable because he isn’t used to this. Repetition produces perfection and encourages confidence. Wherever there are opportunities, allow him to take the lead, even if he doesn’t want to. This will pressure him to grow into the role he wants in the family unit.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Joshua.

He’s fallen in the friend zone. He has so much in common with you, that there is nothing left to uncover, no more adventure, no more excitement, no more room for growth. You mesh so perfectly together, that, although you are best friends, he doesn’t seems to offer any more potential as a romantic partner. Inside you feel you have outgrown him. Meaning you have given and received everything this relationship has to offer. This is not something you should feel shame about. It does happen. This is because you spend far too much time together. You are the center of his world, the source of all his happiness and the meaning of his life. This presents a great deal of pressure on you, as he has few aspects of his life that doesn’t involve you. He spends most of his time with you and neglects his friends, and neglects his own pursuits in life. You desire a man who is more independent, who has other aspects to his life which don’t revolve around you. Someone who has a greater sense of mystery, adventure, excitement, and most importantly, someone who offers a greater potential for growth in a romantic partnership. This smothering you speak of, is immense pressure on you, it’s unfair, it’s stressful, and it’s forcing you into a role you should never have to fulfill.

What you should consider first is this, before making your decision think to yourself, can I live without him? Because it’s not fair to him, if you remain friends. So, you either have to cut him loose or commit to fixing this relationship. To try to keep him as a friend will ultimately hurt him, it will lead him on, with a prospect of a distant chance at reuniting and taking another shot at this relationship. He may never admit it, but he will always hope for the opportunity. So, rather than leading him on, he needs to either be cut loose or the two of you need to fix this relationship. Now, only do this if you can’t live without him.

To salvage the relationship is going to involve a commitment from both of you. He needs to free you from that burden of being the center of his world, instead, he needs to spend more time with his friends, inject a little more testosterone in his daily activities. He should spend more time enjoying life separately from you. He needs to invest more time on himself, pursue a career that gives his life purpose and satisfaction. He needs more time with the guys. The two of you became vanilla, precisely because you are together too much.
Next, you should encourage him to take a leadership role with the relationship, that means planning dates without your input, that means spontaneity, that means encouraging him whenever possible to take charge, to be more assertive. This will move your relationship in a much more exciting direction.

Now if you decide to leave him, don’t fall in the trap for the bad boy, the alpha male. You will find yourself more attracted to this outspoken, persistent, adventurous type; but you are being led astray nine times out of ten. You will be attracted to the alpha male precisely because he will be the opposite of your current boyfriend. But this could quickly lead you into a very physically abusive relationship, so you need to guard yourself against this. There are some red flags to search for: jealousy, overly-protective, overly assertive, rebellious, confrontational, controlling, persistent to where he doesn’t accept no for an answer, the list goes on, it all comes down to domineering tendencies.

Well I hope this helps!