Alan Watts once lectured,

“I remember Soki Antsuzaki, who was a great Zen master, sitting in his gorgeous golden robes, with incense burning in front of him, and his scriptures open on the stand, and holding a sort of sceptor that Zen masters occasionally hold, and reading a passage from the sutra, then by commment saying, ‘Fundamental principle of Buddhism is purposelessness. Most important to attain state of no purpose. When you drop fart, you don’t say ‘At 9:00, I drop fart.’ It just happen.’ ”

🙂

How does one differentiate between giving people a “benefit of the doubt” and “just leaving a lie”? It’s when you see signs of being a rebound, but keep telling yourself that he is different. 😉

But seriously, there are no hard and fast rules, there’s no magic formula, no prescription, and no recipe now how to stay clear of pain and suffering. I truly believe in the inherent goodness of all people and it takes time to get to know the real person. Therefore, take it nice and slow (especially the sex). Don’t rush and really try to get to know the person, asking lots of questions, and reflecting on how you feel. But even with your best judgement, a person who you thought was completely stable may turn out to be completely the opposite. It’s a risk we all take.

I would say, rather than looking out to another person for signs and signals, look within first. When your starting a new relationship, how do you feel about yourself? Are you able to comfortably spend extended periods of time alone in quiet and solitude? If you were to be alone for the rest of your life, would you be okay with that? If someone you loved walked out the door and never returned again, can you feel confident that you’ll eventually be okay and find someone else? Can you accept being rejected with grace and stability?

The responses to these questions will determine the health of your relationship. As you are able to respond to these questions with confidence and security, your ability to trust your instincts to end a relationship or even avoid starting something with someone who might become “addicted” to you will improve.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.

First of all, my apologies for responding to your question so late. I missed it completely.

Second of all, on behalf of all men who “rebound”, once again, my sincere apologies. I had heard of the rebound concept growing up, but I had no idea that I would ever fall prey to it. I’m not even sure how it happened, it all seems like a blur. There’s still some shame, guilt, and regret associated with my rebound relationship, but I don’t deny that it happened and have used that experience and energy to learn more about myself and work very hard to have more healthy and wholesome relationships.

You asked how long does this addiction last? Well, my first addiction lasted about 7 years so therefore the amount of time, the money, the energy you spend on it really doesn’t matter. It could be 3 months or it could 10 years, if the relationship is not based on a solid foundation of common values, trust, respect, openness, honesty, and most importantly individual stability, then there is a huge risk that the relationship will eventually fall apart.

My new theory is, broken people attract broken people and stable people attract stable people. Therefore, it doesn’t start with the relationship. That’s not where the healing takes place. It has to start within. You have to actively working on your self-confidence, self-compassion, improving your mental health, your physical health, and your emotional intelligence.

If there’s too much self-doubt, insecurity, fear, anxiety, and a desire that says, “I’ll be okay once I’m in a relationship…..”, “Everything will be better once I’m in a relationship….”, “I’ll be able to get over the last relationship, by starting a new one….” that’s not a good starting point.

Through hard work, meditation, exercise, eating healthy, actively working being comfortable with loneliness and boredom, and through personal self-help, I’ve arrived at a place now where I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship, but it would be nice to be in a relationship. With that kind of stability, I’m noticing that I’m attracting a lot more stable people. There’s no addiction. There’s not as much clinging and attachment. There’s still a lot of work left to do, but once your able to breath freely and stand on your own two feet, it’s amazing how much clearer you can perceive the world and people around you for who they are in their level of maturity and where they are in the stages of their life.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.

Hi Christina,

I feel your pain and empathize completely. But, believe me, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not come today, tomorrow, or it might take longer for you to reach it, but the inner peace and serenity that you’re looking for is out there. I truly believe that there is a calm place inside all of us and if we could only find a moment everyday to sit in silence in eye of the hurricane that’s spinning around us, we’ll be able to find the strength we need when the winds of chaos pull us into their vortex.

Find strength in the knowledge that you knew and loved your aunt, that you’re getting the professional help you need to deal with your mental illness, the empathy that you feel for your father as a result of his illnesses both mental and physical, and the recognition that the man you have developed feelings for is not right for you and that you deserve better. You may not see it, but you’re already heading in the right direction.

Never forget, you are are good person and your potential to do good for others and receive the love you deserve knows no bounds.

In times like these, I’m reminded of my favourite quote by Winston Churchill, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

You poor thing. This whole thing has really gotten it’s fangs buried deep inside you and won’t let go. I’ve definitely been there and can completely empathize.

Have you started meditating yet? I hope so. Definitely go to a meditation center and get some training. Practice at least once a day for at least 10 minutes.

With that said, yes, people move on and start new relationships. Sometimes after they’ve been together for a day, a month, a year, a decade or more. And sometimes they start a new relationship after a day, a month, a year, a decade or more. It’s the reality of life. You can sit and ruminate trying to figure out why until your blue in the face and pass out completely. But there’s no answer that will completely satisfy your curiosity. Why? Because, it has more to do with you than with him.

So now, I’m going to propose something radical, so listen carefully – this man after whom your pining for never actually existed. He is an figment of your imagination and that imaginary person in your head to whom you have become so attached has disappeared. What you believed him to be, what you wanted him to be, what you idealized, fantasized, and imagined him to be, does not and did not actually exist. And, therefore, in the worst possible way, your mind is experiencing one of the most severe states of confusion as it tries to rationalize what you had assumed, perceived, thought, hoped for versus what is actually reality.

You’re not unique. You’re not the first. You won’t be the last. It’s really a state of being that we have been poorly prepared for. In fact, I would say it’s actually a situation that we have been almost primed for by our society and its views on what love and romance are supposed to be – “true love”, “best match”, “soul mate”, “perfect partner”, “until death do us part”, “the one that will never hurt you”, “the one that will never leave you” etc. etc. That’s not love. That’s not reality. That’s superficial nonsense and gobble-gook. I don’t mean to disavow these things completely and strike it out all together, but just recognize it for what is and treat it simply as romantic entertainment.

I believe that love in the purest sense of the word is non-attachment, stable, calm, composed, kind, gentle, soft, generous, forgiving, peaceful. If we truly experienced love and saw our partners in their entirety and accepted the impermanence of any relationship either by death or any other factor, we’d be able to let it go with little or no pain and suffering and find acceptance and comfort in our own being.

But no! Your mind rages against the machine! It clings! It holds on! It grasps and won’t let go! It feels groundless and hopeless. It doesn’t remember how to be alone and at peace.

Poor child. So scared of the future. Mistreated. Not given enough love and attention. Not taught that there is nothing outside of itself that it needs to be stable and whole. Give it a hug. Tell it, that it’s okay to feel sad, but that it’s going to be okay and that from now on, you’re going to take care of it and nurture it. You’re going to be there for it. You’re going to give it the attention and love it deserves. And that love is going to come from within first and foremost. And if other people want to love you, you’ll accept it graciously and add it to the already abundant love that you have inside of you. And if they take it away, it’s okay. Because you will cultivate enough love and self-compassion to last you as long as you live.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.

I agree with both Matt and Laleh – I’m definitely biased here. For additional transparency, I’ll say that I do have regrets from my past about putting close family relationships / events aside in favour of new lovers.

At the same time, I think there’s also the issue of being a role model for your daughter and asking yourself, what kind of values do you want to demonstrate to your daughter? In that sense, I like Matt’s suggestion of talking it out with her and modeling a behavior that promotes openness, trust, and maturity.

There are two schools of thought here and I waver between the two:

If you feel you’ve done something wrong, you can apologize for it.

However, if the other person doesn’t perceive that you did anything wrong or hasn’t clued into it yet, exposing another person to the wrong doing could be seen as being very selfish on your part as a way of trying to get rid of your guilt. Which I don’t necessarily agree with. Like all emotions, guilt, if channeled properly, can be a very powerful energy and catalyst for healthy change and personal growth.

If your brother hasn’t realized that you’ve done anything wrong, I would say keep that regret with you simply as a reminder that there’s some things you need to work on and direct your energy into becoming a better person and a better brother from here on in.

“The point isn’t to live without any regrets. The point is to not hate ourselves for having them…Regret doesn’t remind us that we did badly — it reminds us that we know we can do better.” – Kathryn Schulz

However, be prepared that someday your brother may clue in, and at that point be ready to acknowledge your wrong doing and apologize for it. He may never forgive you, but what’s done is done, and you can’t turn back the clock and undo what has happened.

Crucifying yourself for your wrong doing isn’t going to help your brother or anyone for that matter, but you can start turning back the tide by working on your issues and helping others as a way of balancing out the karma that you’ve generated.

Sounds like your daughter is taking the time to mark this milestone and celebrate a special day. Don’t go to Singapore so you can spend quality time with your daughter during this important time in her life.

Everyone’s value chain is different, but if you make it explicit, it will help you set priorities.

Here’s mine: Me > Children > Spouse > Family > Partner > Friends > Community

It’s not always black and white, but it’s a good starting point from which to help you make a decision.