You’re very welcome.

Your boyfriend needs a lot of compassion and reassurance that he is not a sex crazed pervert. If he is watching as much porn as you suspect he’s watching, deep down inside he’s probably suffering and as you said, using it to “relax” or “escape” from the stress and anxieties of every day living. I would suspect the porn watching is simply a symptom of deep seeded anxiety problem.

How much porn is too much? I think too much porn is when it begins to negatively affect those around you who love and care about you. That could be 1 day a week or 7 days a week. I think the same applies to alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, video games etc. Everyone has a different threshold of tolerance for how much their loved ones use drugs or find other means to escape or relax and when they do it.

Other than the frequency with which you suspect that he’s watching porn, have you noticed any other side effect that might help better understand whether it’s a problem? How much sex are you having? How would you describe the quality of the sex? Has he experienced any ED? How would you characterize his work life? How would you characterize his social life? Does he make time for hobbies? Does he make time for friends and family? Is he happy with life in general?

In addition, have you considered other ways that you could help your boyfriend find a release from stress and anxiety? Exercise? Meditation? Cutting back on other stimulants like caffeine and alcohol? Or even perhaps having more sex to remind him that your shared intimacy could also be a place he could turn to in difficult times.

If you haven’t already, I would suggest sending him the link to the video with a simple reminder him that you love him and want only what’s best for you both and the health of your relationship.

If you have a shared interest in pornography and are able to enjoy it together to accentuate your love making and help you explore and get to know one another on a deeper level, I think that’s great. Like I said, I’m not anti-porn. Like any external stimulus, it can be used for good.

However, if pornography becomes a replacement, an escape, and a consuming individual practice or habit, it can really skew our perceptions of what constitutes healthy sex and can make us forget why we even have sex in the first place; to make a deeper connection!

Actors in any kind of movie whether its porn, romantic comedy, action flick….whatever, can become role models that we either consciously or unconsciously emulate. If we forget it’s just fantasy and use it a standard against which to measure, judge, compare, and something to strive towards…”Why can’t my life be like that?…Why isn’t our sex that awesome?….” you can quickly loose touch with reality, set up false expectations for yourself and your partner, which ultimately leads to pain, anguish, dissatisfaction, anxiety, and stress at trying to pursue a celluloid dream.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.

Hi Amy,

Yours in a very interesting dilemma. I like the way you described how the presence of two individuals can bring out two very different sides of you. It’s amazing how fluid identity is and what affect others can have on how we act and feel about ourselves. That’s very insightful on your part. 🙂

Here’s a few things for you to consider:

1) Relationship history teaches us that it’s probably not a good idea to start a romantic relationship at work. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but be aware of the potential pitfalls if this relationship ends or ends badly. Go in with eyes wide open.

2) Consider that there is a third option and that is choosing neither of the two.

3) I’m very cautious when I hear phrases like “He makes me want to be better than I am” and “I care what he thinks of me” and “he makes me want to be someone good and right”. Statements like these lead me to believe that perhaps you’re not entirely comfortable with who you are as an individual and seek out external validation and approval. I empathize completely, because I still fall into that trap in my relationships. Be mindful of that voice that may be leading you towards being dependent on someone else for your happiness, well-being, and a secure sense of self. To help you make a better decision, it’s useful sometimes to step back ask, “Why do I want to be in a relationship in the first place?” Once again, contemplating that question may help you consider another option and that is choosing yourself first. 🙂

Still the reel loops and loops in your mind with no end in sight. Like it’s being projected on a screen, I can grab a bag of popcorn, sit back, and watch the movie play. 😉

Remember, the mind is a like a muscle. Like the muscles in your arms and legs, if you don’t train properly, you’ll never be able to lift any weights or run any long distances.

The fallout of your relationship is like a heavy set of dumbbells have been thrown at you and you don’t have the strength to get them off. Sometimes, people find someone else to take the weight off (start another relationship) or turn to drugs, alcohol, and sex, which all provide temporary relief until the next time you get hit with an even heavier burden and you’re back to square one.

The solution? Meditation and mindfulness. Proper training of the “mind muscle” will allow you to distance yourself from your thoughts and memories – not let them overwhelm you. You will be able to sit back in theatre of your mind and watch the movie play, but, this time you’ll know that it’s just a movie. They’re just thoughts and memories. With a few months of proper training, their only meaning and significance will be what you choose to make of it.

I wish I could show you more empathy Gary for your plight, but I really find it difficult. I’ve been down the road of obsessive guilt before and looking back now, I recognize how unproductive or rather how destructive it was to me and those around me.

If you’re like me and grew up with a Western Judeo-Christian view of right and wrong / good vs evil / sin and penance, then you too have been brainwashed to believe that for every mistake you make you have self-flagellate yourself to gain inner peace and equilibrium.

To be honest, I wouldn’t care if you had actually even murdered that bird on purpose, I still don’t think the kind of pain and suffering that you’re putting yourself through is productive and will help you grow and develop as a person.

Sure, we all make mistakes. But how many tears are you willing to shed for that mistake? What good is it doing anyone? Is there perhaps not another bird that could benefit from your inner goodness that you could help rather than spending time stewing in guilt and pain?

Guilt and regret can be very productive emotions because they can provide important life lessons on how we can be better in the future. However, a guilt that has you paralyzed with fear and anxiety only stifles your growth and actually doesn’t teach you anything. That kind of guilt actually does a disservice to you and to the world around you by robbing it of the potential contribution that you could making right now.

I truly hope you find the peace your looking for, but don’t trust your inner monologue on this one to help you find it. The negative self-talk is a trick that your mind is playing on you.

Here’s a resource that might help: http://theidproject.org/media/podcast/guilt-necessary-part-1-2

“I fed it”, “I cared for it”, “I taught it to fly”, “I killed it,” “I buried it,” “I dug with my bare hands”

You know what, to be honest, this sounds like a lot of ego and self-centeredness.

You are not the center of universe. You don’t give it life and you didn’t take it away. That bird had a will of it’s own and, through your guilt, you are disavowing that bird’s life and existence.

Part of acting out of goodwill and compassion means acknowledging that other beings (birds or people) are responsible for their own lives.

You’re not here to save the world. You can try to nurture, guide, care for, empathize, but the moment you cross the line into guilt for something that was completely not within your control (i.e. where the bird flies), you insult that bird’s free will and it’s right to go where it pleases.

You didn’t point a gun to the birds head and pull a trigger. This wasn’t premeditated murder.

If I was the bird, at first I’d tell you not to beat yourself up and forgive you because it was an accident.

But now, I’d tell you to drop it. Because really, it’s a little ego-centric to think that you have that much responsibility.