Thank you everyone for sharing your stories, insights, and articles. This has been a really good learning experience.

Something that Lester said really hit home for me, .”..I felt alone because I viewed everyone as different from myself…I realized that every time I meet a potential friend, I would find a reason why they couldn’t be.”

And, yesterday, as I was reading “Mindfulness in Plain English” by the Ven. Henepola Gunaratana, once again, I was faced with the same concept, “Don’t dwell upon contrasts: Differences do exist between people, but dwelling up on them is a dangerous process. Unless carefully handled, it leads directly to egotism. Ordinary human thinking is full of greed, jealousy, and pride.”

Along with the list of fears that I had listed earlier, I’ve also become very aware of how often I distance between myself and others through ongoing judgements and criticism of either inferiority or superiority. Just walking down the street or talking to people, there’s a constant flow of evaluation going, “He’s better looking than I am….I’m better looking than he is…She doesn’t sound very intelligent when she speaks…Wow, she sounds really smart…Why won’t he stop talking…How could he wear that…She’s hot…She’s not…” and on and on and on it goes constant judgement and criticism of everyone around me – not just friends, but perfect strangers on the street!

And of course, I recognize that voice is also judging and criticizing me and preventing me from being my authentic self and really connecting with people.

I really need to work on stopping these automatic reflexes of thought, which are usually so negative. My meditation instructors talk about approaching the mind like an unruly child – correct it’s actions, but be gentle, kind, and compassionate. But sometimes, I just want to slap it over my knee and giving it a good spanking. 😛

I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past, but I can’t begin count the number of relationships and connections that have been missed because of so much disdain and ego.

Thank-you Veronica for your post. I really like the way you described the issue – “It just doesn’t pay to be spontaneous when your conscience haunts you so.” It does very much feel like you’re being haunted by a ghost or a demon of some sorts.

Just to give you an update, I didn’t listen to that judging and critical voice in my head and didn’t follow-up with anyone to try to get validation. In my mind, I kept postponing the need to validate. Luckily, I gave myself such a large of amount of time and space to process and resist that temptation to seek out validation that by the time I saw this person again, I didn’t feel the need to validate. And of course, the person didn’t bring anything up issue or show any kind of resentment towards me because there was nothing for them to be resentful for. It was just my mind playing it’s old games.

I recognize that judge or inner critic is not my own voice but that of my parents and other overly critical people that I’ve been exposed to over the years. But these voices are really not helpful and need to put in their place fast because I realize that they’re holding me back from living the kind of spontaneous and joyful life I want to live.

Self-awareness is the first step, but I’d love to know how many more steps there are until I’m completely free. At least we can find some peace in knowing that we’re on the right path. 🙂

Thanks Lily. I think you’re bang on; everything that I’m experiencing right now in the dating world, the emotional ups and downs, the hormones, etc. it’s normal, it’s unavoidable, and so I just have to get used to it. It is a roller coaster, but getting off of it would simply mean I’d have to stop living all together.

I do my best to postpone physical intimacy since I know myself and I know that I get attached when it happens. Sometimes, yes, I would just like to fool around, but at the same time, there has to be a romantic and intellectual connection in order for me to want to breach that barrier, which, once again, means that there’s going to be some sort of attachment. At this point in life, I know myself pretty well and so I don’t think that’s ever going to to change. 😉

These posts have been tremendously helpful and I appreciate all of your input. Thank you.

Thanks Maddy.

I’ve been very luck in that the relationships I have had thus far have been very authentic. At least on my end, there’s always been striving towards making a soulful connection by being open, honest, and vulnerable. With that however, comes pain and sadness, when for emotional, psychological, physical, intellectual, and sometimes even practical reasons a long term connection isn’t there.

To Justin’s point, I think I may also being dealing with issues of self-judgement, guilt, and shame as to the pleasure I get from these relationships without feeling the need to commit to a long term relationship or marriage right away. I honestly do try and be open to the possibility, put the time and effort into it, and search for the feelings within myself to tell me, yes, this is the one. But if they’re not there, they’re not there, and I simply have to walk away. That doesn’t make me a bad person, does it? See! Once again, feelings of guilt and shame. Where is this nagging voice coming from? I’m going to journal about this one and see where it goes.