Thank you Matt. I know its me throwing poop everywhere and not being able to accept and love what is.

I want to be a better boyfriend, lover, someday husband, employee, family member, and friend. It takes work. It’s hard. And I’m going to make mistakes along the way, but I’m going to work hard – swallow my pride and try to really connect with her.

I’m not going to let my critical self, the criticism of others affect me. I’m going to let it wash over me like water off a duck’s back. At the same time, no more comparisons. No more criticisms and judgements of others. Just pure acceptance of what is. I’m going to let go of jealousy, anger, pride, and resentment.

Time to throw off the bathrobe, take a shower, and embrace life in all its glory, ups and downs.

Thank you everyone for your positive and kind words.

Back to the cushion I go. 🙂

Thank you for your responses. I will consider them fully.

I would like to face my fears and I don’t want to blame anyone for anything that has happened – not my job, not my girlfriend, not my parents. I want to take full responsibility.

My job was stressful, but I believed that if I could fake it, I could make it. Instead, my ego kicked in and my desire for recognition, status, and control created more confusion and havoc. Basically, my ego wrote a cheque it couldn’t cash.

Ruminant was spot on, my childish ways kicked in. I avoid stress, work, conflict, and basically any unpleasant feelings or thoughts. I tend to see the world through rose colour glasses.

What do I want really? I want to be fearless. I want to be authentic. I want to be who I want to be and not what my mind is telling me I am. I want the confidence to believe that I can do anything and overcoming any obstacle or set back. I want to be resilient and not become a child or cower under pressure or stress. I want to really care about people. I want to see their inner beauty and connect with them. I want to be honest with people and tell them what I really think and feel. I want to do good for this world. I want to be accepting of everyone and everything and believe in the goodness of others and see the best in everything and everyone. I want to be positive. I want to follow through on my commitments. I want to say “Yes” when I mean “Yes” and “No” when I mean “No”. I want to be productive and a good contributing member of society. I want to know my strengths and weaknesses and apply them accordingly. I want to feel connected with others. I want to wake up happy, energized, invigorated with a zeal and zest for life. But more than anything else, I want peace of mind.

I don’t want to be angry, resentful, hurtful, mean, apologetic, jealous, insecure. I don’t want to be driven my ego. I don’t want to be driven by status, money, sex. I don’t want to be judgmental or critical (of myself or others). I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to manipulate. I don’t want to be a people pleaser all the time. I want to stop searching for the next big thing that will make me happy or solve my problems. I don’t want to be so self deprecating and demand pity from others.

And yet the more effort I put in, the worse it seems to get. Forcing positivity, forcing relationships, forcing work, forcing love, forcing gratitude, forcing to care, forcing goodness, forcing generosity, it all seems to backfire with depression and anxiety.

This needs to stop and this needs to stop now! I have to get a grip and accept what is and just be happy with what I have and who I am.

Thank you so much Matt for your kind words.

I will take them to heart and allow them to free my soul so that I may do better next time.

Thanks JDKM

I’m doing just that. I’ve taken time off from work – how long, I’m not sure. And I’m taking time away from the gf as well.

I’m trying not to do anything, but it’s not easy. It feels like there’s so much that needs to be done and laying around doing nothing is one of the most difficult things in the world for me. Although I realize that surfing the web is that awful space between doing nothing (rest) and being productive. It neither recharges you, nor accomplishes anything.

Time for a nap.

Thank you Matt. Your words have always been so supportive and caring. It scares me to read them and not feel uplifted.

The sword of Damocles is hovering above my head and will soon fall. I’m not sure when and where, but it’s coming. I have reached a position of significant power and authority within my workplace, but I’m afraid it’s been ill-gotten. I make assumptions, I’m not direct, I don’t always speak truthfully, I gossip, I play politics, but I’m so driven by my ego for more wealth, more power, more control, I don’t even realize I’m doing it, until after it’s done. The truth will come out. People will see me for what I am. I can’t believe it hasn’t happened already.

“With great power comes great responsibility” and “Uneasy the head that wears the crown” are two statements that come to mind. I reached too high too fast and now I’m paying the price. However, those around me are encouraging to me push farther and higher and I really, I don’t feel like I want to anymore. Not if it means that much anxiety and fear – people will see me as I truly am – a cowering, lazy, and spineless individual who tries to please everyone around him, pleasing no one in the end and spreading more discontent and anxiety.

My gf thought me strong and powerful – a man of confidence and conviction, strength. Now she’s seen me at my lowest and depressed and because she wasn’t able to relieve my stress or anxiety, I’ve started harboring resentment and anger towards her. I’m angry and guilty at the same time. I swing between wanting to be strong and win her respect to feelings of anger and dislike. I have let her down and I wish I could be that strong individual again, but my resources are depleted. I’ve been whipped and exposed, now I must pay the price.

The world would be better off without me causing everyone so much worry and stress – making situations more complicated and difficult than they need to be.

Is this just a voice in my head or is there some truth to this? My resources depleted, I don’t know whether it’s day or night anymore. If I expound my sins, maybe I’ll be relieved of these feelings of guilt and shame. Why doesn’t something or someone just put me away for good so I can do no harm no more.

But for now, I’m going for walk.