I dont really know why, thats kinda the point of my question. As to why I have acted in that way up till now I guess its partly how I was raised, I come from a Catholic family so im sure those lessons tough to be from that viewpoint have stuck with me even though I dont believe in religion. I guess deep down I feel like the world would be a much better place if we all where willing to do a bit more of whats best for those around us and not so much just whats best for us even at the huge expensive of others. All I can think to kinda show you what I mean is give you a story of how I act..When I use to drive to work every day part of my drive is a place on the highway that goes from two lanes down to one at a exit ramp. There are tons of signs that way please form one lane, this lane ending etc on the lanes thats getting ready to disappear.  I always get right over as soon as the first sign comes up, if we all get over then we would form one lane and all get to go, but there are half the people who ignore the signs, they ride that disappearing lane down till they are driving half on the shoulder of the road and then cut in on everyone making traffic stop, they do this to save themselves about 10 min of time but what it does it make everyone behind them who had obeyed the signs wait longer an longer. I hate these people. I dont understand why they done just get in line with the rest of us, we are all equal, all of our time is somewhat valuable, why are they so selfish and self important? Dont they see that what they are doing is bad for the whole group? that they are saving themselves 10 min and costing 100 other a half hour? I dont feel this way because I think god is mad at them I feel this way because in general im the kinda person who believes that we should all be willing to carry an equal burden in times its called for.

As for if im searching for something, I guess I am. I envy people who think they have the answers to life, It must be very comforting to believe that there is a loving god whos watching out for you..But no matter how much I wish that was true I cant make myself believe its true…I just dont have the faith required to believe something my mind wont accept.

Anita thank you so much for your time. I want to answer the things you have asked about. First I have often worked for places where I do have direct contact with the owner. My last job I talked to him almost every day, that’s why I’m so shocked at my sudden termination as I never had any idea that he or any of my supervisors were in the least bit displeased with me or my work. As for people who seem happy and still get away with using others, I do know that happiness is in the eye of the beholder, I guess what I meant to say was that I see so any people who are mean, abusive and cruel to people around them but still seem to be happy, they have things that I don’t have that cause me stress not to have like a secure income and the things it provide like a safe home, time off to spend with friends and family and the resources to do things that at least seem to bring them pleasure. Yes I do get personal satisfaction for caring for my girlfriend and sister and others in my life I guess I just feel like the world is very unjust and I have a hard time seeing so many people who are using others not seem to face any consequences for those actions. And I agree with what you said about in nature animals only do things that have a Win-Win dynamic. I wish my life was that cut and dry but I find that I often get into relationships (personal and professional) where I am lead to believe that I am in a Win-Win only to find out I am being mislead, used and lied to, and again the people who do the lying and misleading get away with it. It use to be that your reputation mattered..If you divorced your wife for no reason and ran off with a stripper people thought poorly of you, they shunned you, it would affect people who then wouldn’t want to do business with you because you were a scum bag. If you ran a business that over and over mistreated its workers people who heard about it would stop using your business. Our society today is so lacking moral direction that we accept almost any type of behavior and never hold people accountable. So whats the reason to act in a way that is helpful to our society as a whole? Why give of yourself for the good of people around you? Why do any of the things I was raised being told are the “right” things to do to be a good man?