Hi Ravi,
I am not sure about your nature I.e.if you are generally a happy person and if only the last few years have been depressing. If that’s the case I guess you’ll figure out a way to get rid of your challenges, eventually.
I have been mildly melancholic/thinking deeply most of the time, especially when left alone. Also a self critic but not a healthy one. I am aware of these now and trying to change, although it’s hard.
From your post I can sense that you could be a negative self critic yourself.
I know that when I am through with my current challenge, I will face another one and then another. I feel thats the way of life. Some challenges are easier to handle than others. It helps me if I think of them as part of the learning process and try my best not to go into ‘i deserve it’ mode.I used to fight hard at every challenge, taking life so seriously ( I still do because it’s so ingrained) but now I have no strength left. I was watching an astrology video recently in which the astrologer said something so appropriate. This is a gist of what she said. It’s possible to be an optimist or a pessimist but there is also a neutral state in between. People who are able to stay positive always, very good for them. Those who have a tendency to go into chronic depression or criticising oneself often will find it difficult to jump back up to the positive state. It’s good to maintain your energy at a neutral state. Falling into the state of sadness several times can make it tough to get back to neutral. Once you sense that the depression is setting in, do something, do anything to get to the neutral state, like taking a walk,meditating, watching funny videos or whatever works for you. I am learning this the hard way. I realised that I am emotional and sensitive and at every challenge, I react the way I know best, emotional touchiness in my case. It’s draining me physically and mentally. Now, I try my best to get back to neutral.
You must be going through the toughest trial in your life right now, not to mention the regrets and other things but try to stay neutral. I know how hard this can be but for your own sanity try not to lose control of your mind. Try your best not be your own worst critic. You seem to be a good guy. I hope things get better for you. Take care.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by humour.

Glad to know you are doing better Mete. I am still finding it difficult to deal with it. I hope it gets better for me as well. Good luck with your studies! Take care.

Hi Ravi,
I am sorry that you are going through so much misery. If you think of someone as your soulmate and if things don’t go your way it can feel horrible. In spite of the emotional anguish you are going through, its commendable that you got shortlisted in the first round of your exams. I am glad that you have your dad by your side to discuss your studies, plans and to love and care for, mutually. Do you think it would be wise to tell him about Jerry, even if not in depth, just casually? In some cases a loved ones words can provide immense solace to the heart. If you are just trying breath meditation, it can be tough especially when the mind is in autopilot mode feeling too many emotions. Guided meditation could help initially and there could be several on youtube or some meditation apps and you can choose a specific one. Since you articulate your thoughts so well, maybe you think of making some quick bucks by writing to a local newspaper or if you can find some online space to do so. This maybe a bad idea if it interferes with your studies, but from your posts I can see that it comes quite naturally to you and you have also mentioned that you are an avid reader. Even if not for money, just to de-stress and to explore the genres you might be interested in writing and to see if it could take you further in any way. Just a thought. Take care.

Your mind did not generate these thoughts, blank. It is already out, there millions and millions of thoughts. Based on the state of our own mind, we pick or attract certain thoughts. If you have a teacher to help you through this phase it would be wonderful. It could be just mild OCD which can become more during trauma. Many people go through this phase. Try meditation, counselling etc. Just remember these thoughts are not you. Just keep the front and back door of your mind open and let these thoughts come and go. Don’t associate with them. Take care of yourself