Today, I spent a half hour trying to read a book. I had impulses to check my phone and I noticed how the sensations felt in my body at that time. I also failed twice and did check my phone for which I forgave myself. At the end of it, I noticed how I enjoyed reading the book.

At the end of my previous post to you, the one you responded to 10 hours ago, I asked you if you grew up without a mother, and/ or without adequate physical touch, but you didn’t answer or respond to my question. Is it because you didn’t notice my question (because of concentration difficulties),  or because you read my question but forgot it by the time you responded (because of poor memory)?

It feels a little vague for me Anita. We have never had a meal together etc. My mother did the best she can buy trying to make up for the quarrels but there was lack of communication, emotional bonding, guidance etc. I am unable to express myself clearly.

Dear Tee,

Thank you for the book recommendations. I will go through it and the topics on the internet.

“it seems to me that you have suffered from a whole lot of stress for a long, long time, which led to your concentration difficulties, lots of confusion, stress headaches, depression and poor memory.”

Yes Anita. Headaches have become  a lot lesser and no signs of depression but the other things you mentioned are there I think. I don’t understand if the way I perceive myself is the way people perceive me or how I should behave at my age and so on.

My mother has grown weak with age but she has returned to her usual strong self. She just wants to see me happy.

“Are you perhaps aware of an inner critical voice (the inner critic) which is telling you certain negative things about yourself? For example, “I’ll never be happy”, or “I am such a freak” (both of these is what I’ve been telling myself while suffering from an ED). So what are those thoughts/beliefs that you have about yourself, which sort of run half-consciously in the back of your mind?”

I may be falling behind in life, not sure of the choices I have made, little afraid to make choices for the future. Everyone around me seems to be making a lot of progress. I don’t think I have failed but I feel I have not lived upto my true potential.

I eat healthy food too but I also eat because I crave a good feeling.

“And how is it to live with your mother? You’ve shared that you like to help, so I am guessing you’re helping her a lot? How is it otherwise?”

These days because of office work, I am unable to help much. My mother is very supportive when I am down but I also stand up for myself if there is unreasonable blaming etc. We have a fairly healthy relationship.

“For example, if we haven’t felt loved as children, we’ll often be attracted to people who aren’t interested in us, or who are emotionally unavailable. And we’ll suffer because our love isn’t reciprocated. Maybe you had experiences like that?”

Experiences are teaching me a lot of things. I wish I did not have to learn this way. The downside is I am losing people although I m gaining a lot of lessons on the art of living.

Hi Anita & Tee,

Thank you for sharing your struggles related to binge eating.

I do want to get out of the cycle of binge eating, even if it is gradual.

I usually don’t get angry easily, yet I will think on the lines you have mentioned, Tee.

Actually the split is in my family of origin and it was natural, due to death and my sibling moving out after being marriage. I am looking out for a partner but haven’t been successful on that front.

Hi Peter,

I saw a video titled “Finding your bliss” by Joseph Campbell. He describes purpose in a spiritual sense. Materialistically speaking, I used to work in a place which made me very happy but was not high paying and therefore now I am compelled to work in a field which offers high compensation but I think I am not happy (not entirely sure though). I will read up more on what Joseph Campbell has to say about purpose & the art of living