Hi Jeff,

I understand your worries about your children being statistics, I think that is a worry we all have to some extent. I don’t know about repeating the cycle though…both my brother and myself have divorced and our parents have been married for 43 years and have a great relationship. My new husband also comes from a family where his parents are still married after 42 years and are still so in love that it’s inspiring. So, even those that come from ‘intact’ families can become divorce ‘statistics’ as well.

I believe that the worry about your children being statistics and potentially setting them up to repeat the cycle is mostly driven by guilt. For me I feel guilty that I couldn’t provide my son with the ‘intact’ secure family that I grew up in and I know my brother and my new husband feel the same.

I’m so glad to hear that you and your ex-wife understand the importance of remaining amicable. One would say ‘how could you not after your own upbringings’ but believe me, I know plenty of people that haven’t learnt from those experiences. Have you thought that perhaps you are breaking the ‘cycle’ by your ex and yourself being amicable? That you are teaching your children tolerance, love and understanding…all essential skills for a successful life?

Life after divorce will come when you are ready. You may not become a ‘better’ person per se, particularly if you are happy with who you are now…but I can pretty much guarantee that you will come out of it stronger. No one can experience the grief you are experiencing now and not grow from it in some way, shape or form. As I said before, just take the time to grieve. Right now, just focus on getting through each day, focus on the joys where you can (your children, for example), and congratulate yourself at the end of each day for getting through it.

Hi GlassSpirit,

My son seems to have coped well with my divorce, but he was only 3 at the time. My stepdaughter however, has a lot of baggage related to her parent’s divorce. However, she also had the added complication of her mother not caring for her properly and her father (my husband) taking over full care.

She has had abandonment/security issues as you can imagine, despite my husband’s best efforts. We haven’t taken her for counselling. We just let her know that we are here for her to talk to and that there is other help for her if she feels she needs it. So far, she has declined that.

I guess the point of difference with out situation is that my stepdaughter turns to me when she’s struggling. I have made a point of allowing her to feel free to discuss ANYTHING with me, including being able to tell me that she wishes her parents stayed married, that I wasn’t her step mum etc. This has all been in a non-judgemental environment. I don’t take those comments to heart as I only need to put myself in her situation to understand that I would have felt the same even if I did love my step parent.

We have also spoken to two psychologists about her situation and both have said to not pursue counselling as it can create the mindset that she is ‘damaged’ and ‘troubled’ rather than helping her to process what’s happened in a supportive environment, accepting it for what it is and moving on.

The acting out when injured etc is normal. It is your daughter’s way of letting it all out. Another point to consider is that the family situation is mattering less and less to my stepdaughter as she gets older (she’s almost 13) and friends start to become more important. She’s more focussed on acceptance in her friendship group, moving into high school and growing up rather than what is going on at home.

Your divorce is reasonably fresh, and these things take time….years even. My main advice is just to be there for your daughter and keeping her father up to speed with any conversations so that you are both on the same page.

All the best to you and your daughter….it is a tough time, but with love and support you’ll both get through it.