Hi Vhanon,

Sorry for the late reply! Thanks for the reply though, certain parts do reach out to me. Well, my boyfriend’s sister only got married for about 6 months…out of necessity…and her husband is also someone that she doesn’t know for very long…it was really a case where she had no choice but to be married to him, so they went ahead with it. After this married, she also has other duties, but maybe it’s age, maybe it’s character, she just tosses them aside and run to my boyfriend. As you have said, these are the kinds of things I am unable to control, I can’t tell her that her behaviour is not right, and even if I do, it is up to her if she wants to reflect on herself and change.

In terms of what she is saying about me, it’s honestly just bad name calling. It’s just being exceptionally crude and rude n the words she uses, in a very uneducated manner. I do not think it is particularly aimed at anything about me, but just at me in general.

I have been struggling with taking a backseat, and like you said wait for him to perhaps come on his own, and maybe thinking that hanging out with me could be fun as well, but I guess because I feel like I always need to be in control of a situation, so I also need to control his actions, and when it’s something he’s doing that is not what I want him to do, then I get irritated.

I fully acknowledge that I do have a part to play in the breakdown of communication as well, I am also reflecting on myself and I acknowledge that I need to change, therefore I hope to gain some insight on how to make the change easier to accept by coming on this forum and listening to what people have to say.

I really appreciate the thing about the wall, and it’s true, that for this week, what I saw has been affecting me and stressing me so much that I’ve been having disturbed sleep and waking up every few hours, but there are things I cannot change in people, I can only change my reaction to it, and of course strengthen my wall so that I am not so easily affected. Finally would be to share my feelings and just trust that my boyfriend knows what he is doing, and he will do what is necessary.

To Jo and Vhanon,

Thanks, what both of you said really makes a lot of sense to me, especially Vhanon. I guess in my context, what I am going through doesn’t seem like such a big thing in comparison to what Jo is going through, and it’s great that you and your fiancé have come to a situation where you both compromise and agree on things. In retrospect, my problem seems to stem from something so much smaller and inconsequential, but in my mind obviously it bothers me enough.

Basically I’m an only child, I’ve been raised as an only child and I’ve never had any siblings, only close female friends growing up. My bf and his sister are very very close, close to the point where I feel very uncomfortable because I feel that he goes to her first before anyone else. Anything that she “asks”, he will give to her, and she has said that he is the only one who can talk to her and make her smile, regardless of the fact that she is already married, she still always runs to him. My bf’s father also strongly wants their relationship to continue, even if he passes away, and I have no intention of ever breaking up a family, or asking him to choose between his family or me, but sometimes the struggles get too real.

He tells me that I need to trust him on where to draw the line, and it’s not that I don’t, but I know his sister doesn’t draw the line, and so he just gives in to her. He is asking me to accept this relationship of theirs, because he has accepted me for who I am. Maybe because I am an only child, and I have other underlying issues, I know for a fact that I have always fought to be part of the “popular” group, and I hate being left out of things. I always have this fear that people are talking/gossiping about me, therefore I have always sought to be included.

They have a relationship that nobody can break into, and my belief is that my bf/husband should be my best friend, and vice versa, I just feel that he’s sharing a lot more with her than with me, and that’s something that I can never break into. For me to accept that they have such a close relationship, and for me to just “let it go”, it means that I have to change my beliefs to accommodate his definition of a brother/sister relationship.

I hope that information helps in your assessment of the situation, I know different cultures bring up their children different, and I guess it’s a good thing siblings are close, but when another half is in the picture, it complicates things. It’s a case of what he thinks is right and acceptable, vs what I think is right and acceptable.