Dear helleia,
it is obvious from what you wrote that you are distressed. “Crying histerically” is another sign of depression or, to use another word, burnout. From what you wrote in the other thread you are under a lot of stress trying to fit in, comparing yourself to your classmates: “they were already at a higher level than me when we were all freshmen. It was so obvious.” and trying to finish college. This would be a challenge for anyone, but if you have depression on top of it, being reinforce by your constant struggles – then right now, by not getting competent counseling, by not admitting that you might need professional help, you make your life a lot worse than it has to be. Your “slowness” for example, might be a part of you that says “I don’t want to keep going like this, I want things to change! And if things don’t change I’m not playing along anymore.”

A therapist can help you develop the skills to deal with your stress and to deal with your negative thinking. He/she will also listen to all your “whining” because she knows there is some basic need that is not fullfilled right now.

You might think you don’t need that, but I would ask you to consider this: if someone broke an arm, would you tell him: “well get your act together and stop whining.” No I think you would make sure he sees a doctor. Depression is just the same, you can’t just wish it away. And I’m wondering if maybe right now your have been in this state for so long, you don’t know that things can be different.

On Youtube, you can find a video called “I had a black dog, his name was depression.” It might help you understand better what I’m trying to say.

I do realize I made a lot of assumptions based on what you wrote here and also based on my own experience. But especially if you suffer from depression, it might be difficult for your to accept it. So I urge you again to see a councilor to get some real evaluation and help. Maybe this is even something that can be solved in a few sessions.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Peppermint.

Monklet80 and the others allready said it all, but still I wanted to say this. You asked “How Important is a Recognition by Others?” and I think it is obvious when you look at what is going on in the world. People go to gay pride parades, fight for equal rights and same sex marriages. A lot of people feel like you do and want to feel recognized and accepted. It is totally understandable that you want the people around you to know about your partnership and that you don’t want to pretend that things are different from what they are.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Peppermint.

Dear Jane,
what a complex topic! I want to write so much I don’t know where to start, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. I hope the shortness won’t make my post look offensive.

First of all, in general, you have a daughter to be proud of: „she now has thankfully turned around, is at uni and has worked through summer“. Not everyone gets to this point after a troubled past.
But your relationship with her is not what you have hoped for: „I guess I am feeling that now she is an adult, that she would appreciate all that I do for her, and expected as least some comeback and a closer relationship.“ Am I right in thinking that the birthday mess was just the tip of the iceberg for you? It sounds to me like your relationship was never that close. Would you like to write more about how it was when she was a child? A teen? Were you close then?

As for getting closer in the here and now, unfortunately kids don’t magically change when they go to uni. And though I usually like to read Mattys posts, I disagree that cutting her allowance will get you closer. You can’t „buy“ (either with money or with doing stuff for her) that closer relationship, it has to develop. If you tell someone directly or indirectly: „we give you money so you have to love and respect us and act like we want you to“ how do you think that person will react? And further if you take Mattys advice and say „We don’t give you money until you love and respect us“ how do you think that will go over? Will that make your daughter care for you? Will she feel she can rely on you and that you love her no matter what? The only way I see a closer relationship developing is by changing yourself and the way you communicate with your daughter. I know it sounds wrong: why should ‘you’ have to change? But I think it is really the only way to go. I suspect you allready know a lot about communication, judging from how you talked calmly with your daughter after the birthday mess. Still I strongly recommend that you check out „Feeling good together“ by David Burns. (And no, this is not about you becoming a dormat for your daughters tantrums! Not at all, it’s rather about understanding her and make her understand you.)

Lastly I wonder if you can recall what your daughter said when she blew up and made you feel guilty. I am sure this is uncomfortable, but can you recall it word for word?

Dear floridajeanne,
I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. It’s so frightening beeing yelled at, isn’t it? That person has serious issues, but it’s not about you. You might worry about what your boss and VP might be thinking, but I believe most people will judge these kind of situations right and you have nothing to worry. You did very well by staying calm and polite, it makes her look even more ridiculous.

Dear Inky,
your relationship with C.B.F. is somewhat confusing for me.
In your first post about this topic you were sad about being excluded from C.B.F.s wedding (or at least about not being mentioned as part of the „92 Crew“). But you also weren’t too close to C.B.F., it seems, since for a long time you wouldn’t even let him add you on facebook. Did he ever answer when you wrote “Hey C.B.F., glad to hear from you, hope you are well!”? Now it seems he blocked you without any obvious reason and of course it makes you wonder why. Did he block you? Was it his new wife? What happened? Well all you can do is guess and that is not very useful. You wrote “No FB drama” in a different context, but maybe you should take that to heart for yourself as well. How important is this „friend“ for you, if you haven’t chatted since 2012?

Facebook can be a useful tool, but it can also lead to depression. My suggestion would be that you concentrate more on your real life friends and aquaintances for a while. What activities could you do with them? What could you do to put a smile on their face? C.B.F. might not seem so important anymore then.

If I misunderstood something please let me know. Also I hope my post does not sound too harsh, I really appreciate the advice you often give others in the forum.

Btw. Since you unfriended him, the ball is in your court, actually. You wrote “Be back in 2017!” which I would take as “Be back in 2017 and then I will add you again”.

Dear anxiousangel,

I think a lot of people lie to fit in. Take for example sexual orientation, origin or, less dramatic, ones favorite sports team. But from what I read in your post this lying is getting too much for you, it’s difficult to keep the lies straight and it creates an invisble wall between you and your friends. Did I understand you correctly?

Since I’m not Indian it is not possible for me to know how much honesty would impact your career. But if you feel close to a friend or girlfriend, why not try to be more open with them? If they judge you for something that you had no influence on whatsoever, then they are not real friends anyway.

Personally, when I meet someone I make up my opinion about that person based on what I see and what I know about his skills, not based on his family. You worked hard to get where you are and that is admirable. I don’t think there is any need to hide who you are or who your parents are.

What do you feel would be a good next step for you to do?

Dear Jack, a late merry christmas back to you. Over here in Europe we had unusually warm weather, but not warm enough to go to the beach. Did you go swimming? o.o I can never quite wrap my head around the fact that in Australia people go swimming on christmas.