Mina what amazing strength you have in the way you are handling this.

Pearce

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Joshua Denney.

Steven B so true the words of Anita. I would like to offer that for anyone achieving any kind of degree does not reflect the morality  of that person. Look at much of the leaders of this country. Many have advanced degrees yet many of them have a poverty in the moral department. Make what I call a correction in direction in your life. Not doing so will only delay many good things in life that you deserve.

Pearce

Emily I’m very happy about you filling that void you had in your life by dating this guy you are “crazy about.”  I hope it grows and grows. There is so much going on in your life right now that it is easy for me to appreciate your concerns. I am sure you have heard this before and equally sure that you will here it over and over, but LDR’s are very difficult to nurture. That comment was not meant to provoke you into second guessing your desires and expectations. I would like to offer that you try not to push ahead too much until the “partying, drinking etc.” concerns are addressed. At what level do you think his drinking is at?  You said, “…when we talk about it and he wants to change, it happens not even days later.”  When people say they want to change, to me this means change will happen but not right now, as evidenced when you said “it happens not even days later.”  Does he want to change because he wants to change to make his life better? If so why wait for better? Does he want to change for the better for both of you? If so why wait for better? I have had friends tell me pretty much the same thing about their relationship, one of the persons saying I want to change because those are the right words to say at the time, often times giving rise to false hope. All I’m saying is address the concerns you have first before you go much further. Move in together with reason to believe the drinking will subside drastically, or, move in together without the change and deal with your concerns while you live together.  To me that sounds risky. I am certain you are a very intelligent woman to not allow yourself to live with someone who wants to change his drinking habits but will do it when he is ready. I take issue with drinking because an alcoholic step-father destroyed my family. It was a drunk driver who killed two of my sisters in a car accident, with neither sisters being the one drunk. I admit it, I drink, water and almond milk. I also have a glass of wine maybe 3 times a year.

In your opinion, could it be his lifestyle is what resurrects memories of your “fear of abandonment ?” You said, ” The fact that I can’t always be there to go with him or for him to come home to me is starting to have an affect.” In what ways does that effect you? How frequently are you affected by this? My advice is consider the things I said and please feel free to correct any misconceptions I may have. It won’t offend me. I can only learn from it.

Pearce

Hi Lilly,

What Anita said, “Isn’t it admirable if he didn’t say them because he takes them seriously, and he takes you seriously by being cautious this way? If so, you have a quality man which is something way.. way, way more of substance than a few words.” is solid gold. It can’t be said any better than that, IMHO.

You said, “So we went away last weekend and it was so amazing.  It just keeps getting better and better.  I finally got the L word too! I was pulling back on how much I say it because it was a bit uncomfortable with him not saying it back.  But when we were away I told him how much I loved him, and he said it back, and then said ‘I’ve loved you for a while but i’ve been scared to say it’.I’m so happy, and he has said it on his own a few times since.  I really do love him and I haven’t really felt this way about a partner before and it’s so amazing.”  This is what you have been looking for. It is what you deserve. When you said, “… I told my friends that he said he loves me, and their responses werent exactly what I was looking for.” Their responses may not have been what you were looking for, but please remember what they told you was their opinion. What matters in your search for a lasting and loving relationship is what you think. Allow people their opinions as just being that, opinions. It is exciting to share what you deserve. I don’t think that opinions such as your friend’s are what validates the excitement in the quality of what you have found. What validates your relationship is you, your heart, and acceptance of allowing your new relationship to evolve into a happy and loving life together. Your “abandonment issues” are legit as well. I recently read something on this site that I think is pretty cool…”Your past was a lesson, not a life sentence.” I read this perhaps 2 days ago and those words helped me let go of some bad memories. How powerful, to have those words affect me so positively in such a short time. Reflect on your weekend together then think of how the opinions of your friend’s and how they made you feel and you will know which is more important to you. Embrace your new found love with an open heart and soul and watch it grow. Isn’t that exciting?

Pearce

Hi Sharon 🙂

Thanks for getting back so quickly. I do appreciate it much. Thanks too for the clarification. I was just wondering.

Anyway I am interested in joining. I can do this soon but not until the chaos of moving settles down-maybe in a week or less. I don’t see any need to change the graphic at all. It works and it’s perfect. Speaking to your question of “If the graphic were altered, would it increase the likelihood of you joining?” I kind of wish I didn’t ask about why men aren’t mentioned. It makes me sound like a whiner and I am the last person on this planet to whine.

Thanks again Sharon. I’d wish you luck on your project but I’d be implying you need it. You don’t need it 🙂 I’m looking forward to seeing it grow, as it surely will.

Pearce

Adrienne I could learn to be more patient from you. May I suggest that you send them a contract spelling out the terms of repaying the rest of the money. Send it registered of course. I would suggest adding to the contract a stipulation that renegging on their promise, or coming up with an excuse why they won’t be able to pay it this week or next will nullify the contract and a lawsuit will be filed. I hate to be a hard ass but if being one is what it takes to get that loan back then so be it. This may do some damage control on your relationship with them, providing they honor that contract. Should this come to fruition, I am confident they won’t ask you for a loan again. I don’t like having to get more assertive when it comes to asking for a loan back. You should NEVER HAVE TO ASK for payment. BTW what was his wife’s reaction when you expressed your being upset about their recent purchase? I would hope that they will acknowledge their responsibility of repaying you and avoid legal action. Unfortunately sometimes that is what it takes. I hope it doesn’t come to that either.

I appreciate the response you gave. I wish you much success not only in this but in all you do.

Pearce

Hi Jasmine,

I hope that when you read this you are well on the way with a solid plan to make your life so much better. I found out many, many years ago what it means when someone says you don’t really know someone until you live with them. You post is riddled with describing the amount of anger you have. You also mentioned that, “he hasn’t been so kind to me over the 2 years…”. What is paramount is that you address the source of your anger first. Being that angry for as often as you say you do is operating from a very weak position. Being that angry over “stupid stuff ” does not allow you to interact with your b/f  in a more positive way. When you said, ” I know I should go see someone and tell them and maybe get help but I can’t do that, I am far too stubborn…” can you agree that the ways you have been handling your anger don’t work, and that anger doesn’t work? I do not mean to make my response seem to be me picking on you my friend, and not your b/f.  I don’t know what his issues are. My words come only from my heart. It’s just that when anger becomes the default response there is a tendency for that to spill over in to your other relationships, i.e. work, friends, etc. If it is true that you do in fact want to address your anger and discover how to have better ways to react yet you don’t want to see a professional for help, consider various books on the matter as a start. Anger in relationships on the level you describe are one of the many reasons for relationships to end yet we don’t see that possibility while are in that moment.

I hope you have not taken my words in a bad way. I am not good with words to begin with. I just want to reach out to you just as you asked and hope that you are well, doing fine, and that your life becomes consistently more happy. Let me know…

Pearce

Leocube,

I hope that today you discover peace and happiness in your life and that you find more people in and around your life that will embrace you with the love you need.

The title of your post, “This is a rant, but please feel free to comment, I love to hear what you think.” raises a few questions I have that I hope you don’t mind answering. The first question is, what does your doll think about your “rant?” My other question is, if you prefer to adopt a lone wolf mentality, why would you “love to hear what” people think? Why would you care what others think my friend? I understand the lone wolf metaphor you use, however what Peter has posted, some insight by Lou Kavar, is a something I hope you consider, and, I am interested in your opinion of Peter’s post. As I peeled back the layers of your post I got a strong sense of much anger imbedded in your life. It reminds me of a story I was told many years ago…An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

I think you have been feeding an angry wolf my friend. There is no use for such anger my friend. Sure I have been angry in my life many times. But that moment of anger allowed me the opportunity to question myself, as to why, of all the possible reactions available to me, why would I, why did I, choose anger. It’s about ownership my friend. I owned that choice. Not a good choice either. In the final analysis I realize anger does not serve me well, in any way. You said, “I want to move far away and leave everything behind and just live out the rest of my life with my doll, who understands me the most.”  In moving far away, to wherever you wish to go, realize that nothing will change. Life will continue. With reference to what you said about your doll being the one thing that “understands me the most,” one thing I got from that is that you have a long standing history of isolating yourself so much that for any person to understand you, it really isn’t a question of why people don’t understand you, it is more of a question as to why you prefer to isolate yourself. If you truly want an answer as to why people do not understand you, all you have to do to see the answer is to look in the mirror my friend, and there you will see your answer.

Am I correct in guessing that you getting professional counseling is out of the question? I ask that because in doing so, getting professional counseling, would require you to trust someone to understand you. I am not sure why having other people understand you is a threat to you.

I wish you the best.

Pearce