Tannehauser I hope that by the time you read this you have found peace and love that truly is within your heart. Needlessly holding on to anger and resentment will only keep that peace and love chained in a very dark place. I want to share with you what an old teacher, an elder in a Sioux tribe that I was blessed to live with for many years, had told me and what he told me is true, and a truth. He said, “An elder Chief is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

These words were told to me many many years ago and still ring true to this very day. In fact when I find myself getting needlessly agro I think about what the elder said. All of a sudden I think how silly I must look getting drawn into senseless drama.

I wish you well on whatever journey you choose to take.

Enzo I hope that by the time you read this that you are well on the way with the amazing plan you have. Very recently I had a friend come to me with the exact same issue: the age phobic (thank you Anita for that phrase. love it) approach when it comes to hiring older people. So I did some research for my friend and here is what I found…I contacted the community college. I was directed to go to their campus job center. When I went there, I found some extremely encouraging options for my friend. Within that job center they have assistance designed exactly for people in this predicament. They have real time contacts in the community otherwise not available to the general public. How they pull that off I have no idea. Also, I do not know if you are a veteran but assuming you are in the US the job center also has retired career military people with strong connections with companies that give preference to veterans. If that’s not enough, check this out. There is a department down the hall that has workshops and guidance for people wanting to develop their entrepreneur abilities. They go so far as to give you step by step methods to achieve it, connect you with companies associated with the entrepreneur development process. After setting my friend up with this avenue, he got a well paying job in 4 weeks. Incidentally the counselor told my friend that 70% of the jobs out there are not found on the internet. They are found on head hunter job sites, which I guess does count as the internet, and lately a very powerful resource is LinkedIn. I hope this is helpful to you. I’m not going to wish you luck though. I’d be implying you need it. You already have what it takes so go get it my friend.

Hello Andrew,

I hope that by the time you read my response, you and your wife are well on the way to a happier life. This is a most troubling situation and unfortunately fear and guilt are a very common manipulation tactic used by family members who cannot/will not respect the life you have chosen. This can be observed in many cultures and religions. The choice that you and yours made to not have children is just as legitimate as choosing to have children. Surely you must know that your decision to not have children is easily construed by social and cultural morés as an immoral violation of what others believe. This reaction is not your fault nor is it a reflection in anyway of your character. It is a reflection by people who use guilt, fear, and manipulation as a way to deny your individuality as a human being. It is an attempt to dismantle your personal constitution for the purpose of molding you to their beliefs without regard to your right to establish yours. Having said that, as long as you look into the rear view mirror of your life and see bad memories, it does not serve you well to import those memories to the present, the here and now. Doing so is only biting on the hook of fear, guilt, and manipulation thereby allowing your family members to reign you in allowing them continued control over your. I have lived through the very same thing with my family. A very long time ago I realized their intentions and decided to make a conscientious decision to no longer accept that. As a result, they have pretty much disowned me in spite of a number of attempt I made to make things better. I have been immensely happy taking control of my life. But the fact that they disowned me, I am very ok with that for it was their decision. I invite you to reject their antiquated, ineffective tactics, and live the happy life that you deserve. Hopefully they will respect the person that you are, and respect your individuality, and find that their ways are destructive and embrace a more positive way to view things. What happened in the past, is only that, events in the past. They are not representative of the here and now, unless you bite that hook, in which case you will be prevented to live your life as you want to live it. It will be a life of someone else’s design, not yours. Should they continue with their immature tirades, know that is a decision they will make. It is not yours to own. Take control of your life my good friend. Live your life with the personal constitution that you create and not by the dictates of others. The only time I have on earth is measured between breaths, something that I, and nobody else is guaranteed. What you had to endure was once upon a time. Resign yourself to let go my friend. You will live a happier life while others will live by their decisions, whatever they may be. I wish you all the love, peace, and happiness that life has tooter, for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the least you deserve.

Pearce

Dear Axuda…Profound yet very simple to understand. Want to share a thought I have, more of a belief, that I try to embrace every day…My belief is that the only reason I wake up every morning, is because I have been given another chance to do things right, and to do the right things. At the end of the day I can promise you it’s never a 4.0 GPA on my “how did I do today’ report card. Still, I use that report card to serve as a vehicle to guide me toward a vector that can make me a better person. But I absolutely love your post.

Pearce

Hello Friend…I can hardly touch on what Anita has offered. What she offers, what I see anyway, is a door is opened, a door that when you walk through it will give you ways to see things in a more gentle, loving way. I remember a time when I was in the Navy, just before my daughter was born. I told a Navy buddy of mine, “Troy I’m going to be a good father to her.” He threw me a curve ball that I didn’t expect, and asked me, “How do you know? You have never been a father before.” For some reason, I did not hesitate to answer. I said, “Troy, I’m going to do the opposite my father did. And if that requires me to revisit painful experiences as a vehicle to make good decisions, then I’ll gladly go there.” I have no idea where that answer came from, but, it works. (Incidentally, without going into details, it wasn’t until much later that I learned that who I thought was my father, wasn’t.) My daughter has been gone, off to college, enjoying her life. But before this I DID revisit painful experiences so that I can exercise what I know is right. You’re children need love. ESPECIALLY now. They are imprinting right now. They have been and will continue to do so for quite some time. I guess my point is, knowing this, give them love to imprint. Give them an example they will honor, cherish, love, and pass on to their children. They do not deserve anger and hostility. They deserve your love.

Saman,

I hope you embrace today with the love, peace, and hope has tooter. The ideas that Anita are an excellent beginning. It’s a perfect start. What Nextsteps says, “you are wonderful and you are loveable and you are a valueable person just by being you, never ever forget that. you are not alone,” is another truth of life. Embrace that truth. Tegs words are solid, strong words! I KNOW that the words they have to offer, are not at all some poetic, philosophical verbiage, they come from their heart.

Tegs the times I went through were tough. With all due respect to you, they were not times that aren’t what people should use to gauge how bad things can get for anyone else. They are only times that I went through. What everybody goes through, the difficult times, is what challenges their world in a different way. Too many times too many people are overwhelmed by those challenges. When I read what you answered to Saman I couldn’t help but think to myself, OMG how are you handling it so well. I don’t want to be an idol. It is not about me-never was and never will be and I like it that way 🙂 I am doing well thank you. I am grateful to you for your thoughts.

Saman today, you have been given another chance to do things right, and to do the right thing. What Anita, Tegs, and nexsteps has to offer would be doing something right, for you. It would be the right thing to do. Their advice is strong, solid, and works. Their advice is pure, unconditional, truly a gift from their heart. Accept it with yours.

Pearce

Saman,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I am grateful to you for doing so. My growing up experiences, the ones as a child, were not happy at all. The words I heard were the exact same ones that you wrote about-Worthless, useless, failure,no one likes you, unlovable, evil person. It took time for me to realize that these words are/were lies. Now, when something sparks those memories, I am totally unfazed by them, because I know they were lies. Those words came from somebody that was in my life that had a profoundly negative soul, for whatever reason. Saying those words to me was his denial so to deal with that, he chose to project that on to me. Those words were more of a reflection of himself-inside. By him not taking responsibility and accountability for his actions, he took the weak coward way out by assigning blame, guilt, hate, and resentment on to me. I learned very early to distance myself from him. In the beginning the space I gained was minimal, but it was enough to let the light shine through. Distancing myself from him gave me the space I needed to discover the real me, to be the architect of how I wanted my life to be. It opened a whole new world for me. It was actually pretty cool. From the very beginning I KNEW those hateful words were not true. What I did know is that they were lies. It is understandable that you forgot your childhood. Like mine, it was probably dominated by those words. Your suppression and repression of those memories are a very normal defensive mechanism. But those two defensive mechanisms are not without their consequences. There are many expressions of such consequences, such as what you are psychologically and even perhaps physically experiencing. To surrender to and find attachment to the lies you have been told, hold absolutely no value. There is no need for you to own them. I want to share something with you that I find to be so true to me even to this day. I learned this when I lived on the Rez:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Too often people feed their demons inside of them and I tell people that when you feed your demons, they will feed you. The demons you have been fed are the lies that somebody else believed. Saman distance yourself from these people so that you can have the space you deserve to create the life you want. Discover the truth, and that truth is who you are inside because it was you who created it. Please stay in touch. Your life is a story that I really do care to hear about.

I wish you all the love, peace, and happiness life has to offer, for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the least you deserve.

It never ceases to amaze me that adults behave in a way that we preach to children about not doing. Gossip is nothing but a cheap form of entertainment designed to cure boredom. I think less of a person who does not hesitate to step on others just to shore up their future request for advancement, making it look like they are cleaning house and making improvements. I say stay the course. I think you got this well under control.