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PearceHawk

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Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 218 total)
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  • in reply to: Graduation dilemma #154564
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    I think that a good place to start would be in conversation. Instead ofĀ askingĀ him whether or not he got your daughter something, I would like to ask if you would consider a different approach. A good way to open up the dialog is say something like,” I hope she likes what her graduation present.” This perhaps may pique his interest and ask what it is and offer an opinion. You can also say something like, “I would like for both of us to get her a graduation present from each of us but I don’t want to get her the same thing. What did/will you get her?” I think that both approaches will work for you.

    in reply to: Stuck between Responsibilities and Happy Life #154560
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Alex there is hardly anything that I could possibly add to what Anita and Susannah have said, except that in your culture thereĀ are parents who treat their children as a commodity to be traded off, in this case, an arranged marriage, in order to pacify the parents beliefs, thus stripping you of your individuality. In other cultures, in the United States for example, theĀ majority of the parents do not treat their children as a commodity. The exception being those who use their children to advance their selfish needs. These parents look forward to seeing their son/daughter grow up, get married, and have children. This approach allows for their inherent right to be an individual and to make their own decisions. I see you as an intelligent individual capable of making your own decisions because you respect your individuality. I absolutely concur with Anita and Susannah. I also recommend pursuing a divorce immediately, if in fact you do want to be with your fellow employee. You can paint the canvas however you wish. But whatever the end result, in the end, it is your painting. Should you choose not to pursue a divorce and not live the life with the other woman as you envision, my question to you sir is, who wins? Just as you envision the life you want with the other woman, you should also envision the results should you choose not to end your current marriage and try to maintain a relationship with this other woman. What you see in that vision should challenge you in your decision making. Did you ask to be born? No. Are you a commodity to be used as a pawn to be traded? Only in the eyes of the culture your parents subscribe to. Are you an individual capable of making your own decisions as you make your way on your journey in life? Only you can answer that. Personally I believe you are.

    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Tannehauser I was going to respond to your invitation to answer the question you presented, but I cannot dissociate myself from what Anita and Eight have offered because both of their thoughts are the same as I would offer. I think that before you can come terms with Kundalani, you must first come to terms of who you are and what you want from life. If there is a religion or an event going on that you “dismissed as bullshit, yetĀ you find that others are deeply rooted in their beliefs contrary to what you believe, there is one very good thing you can do if your quest is to come to terms with Kundalani, or any other religion for that matter. That one good thing is respect other people’s choices. Ā Other people’s religious beliefs are, and have been, a safe harbor for them to go to for whatever reason they may have. Their particular practice of their chosen religion is a choice they made for their benefit. For them it works. Personally, I do not invest thought process in Kundalini because of me, I have no reason to believe it is true. Tannehauser what ever your belief is, I respect your position on it. It does not mean that I agree or disagree with you. If you find yourself associated with, or being attached to, or involved in someway, with a particular belief that somehow disturbs you, you can very easily disconnect to those things. This will allow you more freedom to find peace and happiness, to come together with someone whoĀ canĀ help you. Please allow me to share with you a quote that is deeply private to me. The quote comes from a great Native American Chief, Chief Joseph. He said, “…My heart is sick and sad…”From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever.”

    in peace…

    Pearce Hawk

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by PearceHawk.
    in reply to: I'm so anxious it's destroying my relationship #153548
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Ray I can actually feel some significant clarity in you. It’s reflected in how you say things. I think you have a very good handle on this. I have to step out for a while but I most certainly will give you more feedback-if you wish. I’m not going to wish you luck in future conversations with him. I’d be implying you need it. You have everything you need Ray. I’ll be in touch and check on you.

    Pearce Hawk

    in reply to: I am being in love with a man which is a GAY #153544
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Momongirl what Anita said, ” Long distance relationships are not satisfactory, not for most people, I believe. Not for long.” This is a 100% true statement. Many people I know have put so much energy into a long distance relationship, that when the reality of the big B, the big breakup happens, they have been left even more confused and hurt by virtue of being in a long distance relationship. Perhaps you should revisit that long distance relationship and be honest with yourself in asking, is this (long distance relationship) really going to be what you are looking for. This type of relationship is very susceptible to collapsing because all the variables, all the necessary elements that are required for a relationship to work, are absent.

    I am curious…you said, “IĀ in love with my bestfriend, which is a GAY.” Is there any significance in his sexuality coming into play? I was just wondering if it is important to differentiate between Ā your relationship with your best friend, who you say is Gay, as opposed to straight person. I was just wondering if there is a significance to this…

    in reply to: I'm so anxious it's destroying my relationship #153542
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Ray this surely must be difficult for you to have to deal with. I can only imagine the pain and confusion going on in your life right now. There is so much going on here that I will ask you for time for me to think on it. But I will offer this. As an ISTJ it is well known that you have some very wonderful qualities. I think that within those qualities are some clues to very powerful assets available to you that you would find very beneficial in your healing. I think if you focus on those qualities, let go of what is going on, if ever so briefly, you will have more clarity in your thinking. By virtue of being human, the personality trait that you have (ISTJ) is also vulnerable to being dominated by serious issues such as the one you are confronted with. As a result of this domination, your higher qualities are overcome which makes it difficult, as you know, to think clearly. You should never apologize for crying Ray. Crying, as a symptom of being vulnerable, is a very normal reaction. It is certainly no indicator of weakness.

    How long have you and your b/f been “official?” Are you ok with describing the “issues eith his ex?” I think you should try to find some time with you b/f, alone of course, and suggest that the both of you need to define with clarity, where you both really want to go as a couple. I think you both should also find in that time alone, opportunity to tell each other, honestly, what each of you mean to each other, given the recent reason for the history of this trouble. Maybe through that conversation one of you or preferably both, will come to an answer as to why the events before you two were casually dating, needlessly infect your relationship thus causing a breach in your trust. You said, “I keep getting these thoughts that I should break up with him before he breaks up with ne.” and “I just donā€™t know if at this point it is better to leave or stay.” I get a sense that this option is on the table. It reminds me of scenes in Western movies with two adversaries facing off and it all comes down to who draws first blood, who pulls the trigger first. This ‘maybe I should do it before he does’ thing is not going to be helpful to you should you want to be a part of making things work out. I say that because those two options side by side, stay or go, nurture doubt.

    Have a sit down with him Ray and see if you both can come to terms as to where you both are really are at this point, and where you both are going. This is a good place to start healing. I really would like to see you post progress. Let us know.

    Pearce

    in reply to: A++ Method of Opportunity Identification #153536
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Kevin as an addendum to my previous post I found a solid source on the perception/present time frame. It is from a bestseller book called The Power of Time Perception by Jean Paul Zogby. I quote him as saying, “The longest period of time that we can all the ‘present now’ isĀ aroundĀ 3 seconds long.” With a difference of just .7 seconds between what was quoted in Ideas and Discoveries magazine and what Mr. Zogby states, I hardly doubt that the just noticeable difference comes into play. I’m going to look for that book and get lost in it. This sort of thing fascinates me.

    Pearce

    in reply to: A++ Method of Opportunity Identification #153518
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Kevin,

    With that 2.7 seconds being the time frame that our perception of the present, I believe that within that time frame there is a crazy amount of information that we don’t “perceive” because we attach ourselves to what appearsĀ beneficial to us, either by experience or a calculated risk, by what is more appealing at the time, consciously or unconsciously. As a result of that attachment, we are limited by not being “aware” or more open of other “things” in that short time frame. If that makes sense…

    The reference that was used on this idea of 2.7 seconds…was taken from an article in the July 2017 issue of IDEAS and DISCOVERIES. This time frame was mentioned in an article called CAN TIME END? This article was mind-blowing to me. Ā As I am typing, I looked for the author of the article and could not find one. So I have drafted a letter to the editor asking to provide the name of the author so that I can read more about it.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by PearceHawk.
    in reply to: Wishing I could forgive and let go #153344
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hi Lily…what a heart breaking story. Wow. Forgiving someone often times takes time. I have a feeling that you will have to come to terms with your resentment first before you can forgive. That’s my current thought anyway. And what I mean by coming to terms with your resentment, I mean that the resentment has to take on less meaning for you so that you can begin your new journey. Your reaction of resentment is totally normal-you have been blindsided and hurt by someone you love(d). Being relieved of resentment has to happen before you can forgive. I also think that having the feeling of having less resentment is a very good indicator that you are healing and that you can move on in more clarity. Ridding yourself from resentment, letting go, forgiving, and moving on takes time. I told someone in a different post that life is the classroom and experience is the teacher. It took me many years to fully appreciate that. You asked, “How do I find myself again?” You are not lost Lily. It may feel like it, but you are not lost because you can go everywhere there is to go, literally and figuratively. You can take yourself on any journey of your design, whether it be imagining your correction in direction that takes you to a place where you can visualize your healing and your new life, or on a fantastic backpacking trip. I went to the top of Mt. Whitney twice and OMG what a humbling, beautiful, breathtaking experience. Lily you will heal. You will forgive on your terms, you will enjoy life again and you will love and be loved again. I promise.

    Pearce

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by PearceHawk.
    in reply to: He apologised, but i didn't reply. what shall i do? #153156
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hi Jamie…I hope that today brings the comfort that you need. This will allow you to move on in the direction that you choose.Ā You said, “I miss him quite terribly…” Ā I invite you to consider looking at this in another light, that perhaps you miss what you once had, pre-ex status, thatĀ maybeĀ what you miss is clouded by what youĀ now have. You have quoted him as saying, “Sorry for the confusion…”. Ā  Because he is “in a club canā€™t talkā€ what was/is the issue that he is confused about? There is a chance that you are correct too, when you quote him as saying he “he wishes me well,”. Maybe his “emotional connection” to you is retracted somewhat. It looks like one of those things where relationships end, but to those who do move on, quite often you hear things like, but we’re best friends now. I tip my hat to them because they were able to see their relationship no longer works and arable to make amends and move forward, no shame, no blame. In no way am I condoning what you describe of him and his actions. Like I said, maybe you miss what you once had. To be successful in our pursuit of a healthy, loving relationship fulfills a basic human need. To remain attached to what you once had, and sit by as a spectator watching and waiting and hoping for thatĀ “if only” moment, or that “I wish it was still us” dream restrains you from pursuing a loving relationship. He has been your “ex of 2 years.” IF you have been on the sidelines wishing and hoping and dwelling on once upon a time, think of all the possibilities you missed out on. It is perfectly fine to miss the memories of what you had. It is also fine that “he wishes me well. Allow the two to ride off into their sunset, thank him for the memories both of you created, and move forward and create the life you want. After 2 years it seems that you have hit that proverbial glass ceiling. I would like you to do this; tonight I would like you to go outside and look up at the stars. As you do this, think to yourself, “There is my ceiling.” Don’t be that person standing against the wall at the school gymnasium waiting and hoping to be picked to dance with. I am confident is saying that there are many people who would love to dance with you. Go pick that special someone, and dance.

    šŸ™‚

     

    Pearce

    in reply to: Am I fooling myself out of love? #153050
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Marge I hope that by the time you read this that you are well on the way to healing and have a clear vision for a better life for you. Sometimes, giving people a second chance, such as the man you speak of, is like giving someone extra bullets because they missed you the first time. Forgiving yourself is paramount. To forgive him does not mean you have to stay with him. It just means you forgive him, and move on. Respect yourself so that you can let him go so that you can move on so that you CAN meet the person you deserve. A couple Ā of times I noticed that you use what I call “The J Word”, aka jealous(y). I think that jealousy is a very destructive element in a relationship. I recall once upon a time that my now and I got into an argument. I don’t even recall what it was about. Anyway, she said something that , to this day, do not understand. She said, “You don’t care about us because you’re not jealous!” Whaaaaat? I said to her, ” I am not jealous because I do care about us.” Jealousy is just not a part of my life, I suppose because I am secure within myself. There is no need to go through what you are going through. Forgive, let go, embrace wonderful possibilities coming your way, and most of all, love yourself.

    in reply to: Toxic workplace #153046
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hi Flower…I used to encounter the exact same thing. At one point I realized that I was becoming more like them. When I realized this, I realized that this was happening because I was giving up on my personal constitution. I had a talk with myself, and, my self, and snapped out of it. I realized that these people were miserable long before I came along and will remain so in the absence of self examination and making the necessary positive changes. I refused to get caught up in the, “you know what I heard” gossip. I began to get very selective with what I wanted to say in terms of my outside of work life. I realized that their ecclesiastically superior evaluation was nothing more than cheap entertainment based on gossip. As soon as I became more willing to not invest in their negativity, I became a “snob.” Just another evaluation I guess. Flower let them go. Relinquish your membership to that negative club. You clearly have some very positive aspirations. You asked, “What if they could just understand how miserable they are making us?” Surely you know that this is not possible, unless you give them permission to. What you describe is unfortunately the state of the world. I find it interesting that as adults, we tend to behave in ways that we tell our children not to behave. You are still vibrant and energized. Just let that shine !

    šŸ™‚

    Pearce

    in reply to: How to get through the hard times #153038
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    WOW!!! Finally, someone who understands. I want to reach out to you with this…I wish you all the love, peace, and happiness that life has to offer, for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the least you deserve. For many years, people trying to reach me with the hope of understanding what I went through, was like me floating in an ocean, no life raft, no life vest, and a ship passing by tossing me a life line, except that life line was too short, and the ship sailed on. Things that trigger my PTSD, the nightmares, the reactions, they are all becoming more and more easier to deal with to the point that I finally KNOW within my heart that someday I will be free of all that. For now they are becoming more of a distant memory, albeit still very much real. Thank you for your support. Unfortunately my gratitude is all I have to give you.

    in reply to: A++ Method of Opportunity Identification #153034
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Kevin your post about the benefits of a positive mindset along with the link you provided is something that I HOPE people will take a serious interest in. I don’t think that there are a lot of people who have a negative mindset will associate that negative mindset with paralyzing their potential. For those people, blame is always the default to explain away their setbacks. One of the things I believe that are contributory to not reaching goals is a negative mindset. As I continue to strive to be more mindful, and I am forever learning exactly what that means, I try to capture the essence of being “present.” Being mindful and present as much as I possibly can be is key to my emotionally positive mindset. For years I assumed that I knew what being “mindful and present” was. For me, to be “present” means to be aware of the present, the “now.” I say that I assumed that I knew what being present meant until very recently. I recently read an article in a science journal talking about the present. What I read threw a wrench in the gears of what I believed, and I welcome that change with an open heart and soul. What I read was, the present lasts exactly 2.7 seconds in our perception. This is important for me to know because it makes me more aware, of how short of time we have in capturing the moment that we can use to be more positive, if any of this makes sense. It’s easier for me to explain in conversation. Anyway that 2.7 seconds made me more aware that anything after that, is gone, it’s the past, however recent. Those 2.7 seconds of our perception of the present allows me to be more mindful. I was on location when a documentary was made about Warren Zevon’s last moments alive. He said something so profound that I reflect on it every day. He said, “When we buy books to read, we think we buy the time to read them.” Reflecting on that is what made me read the fantastic article in the link you sent. There is no psychological utility in me obsessing on the past, although it does provide me with many valuable lessons, and as I always say, life is the classroom and experience is the teacher. I wholeheartedly agree with your post and look forward to many more thought provoking thoughts.

    Pearce Hawk

    in reply to: Your thoughts on therapy #152654
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Greetings Hemmingway…

    What a thought provoking post indeed, and very much appreciated. Your question of, “My point is, I became a better man. How do I stay this way?ā€ makes me think of how I try to be a better man which I would like to share. When I told my best friend, Troy, that, before my daughter was born, I told him that I am going to be a good father to her. He threw me a curve ball by asking me, “How do you know?” You have never been a father before. I thought for a millisecond and said, “I’m just going to do the opposite my step-father did. If that requires me to revisit painful memories to make decisions that are correct, then I’ll gladly go there.” Hemmingway to me that’s sad commentary for someone to make, it paints a toxic picture against a backdrop of uncertainty. But those experiences serve me very well. And to this day I am forever grateful for what that abusive man gave me-what he gave me, was knowledge to not be like him.

    I try my very best to maintain being a better man-not better than anyone else, but better than I used to be, which often times, Ā is recent as yesterday. I think back to perhaps, 1 hour ago, 2 weeks ago, or even 31 years ago, or whatever time frame, looking in the review mirror of my life and how I behaved, how I acted, what my thoughts were. I keep thinking that where and how I “grew” in terms of me needing to learn how to be a better person, somewhere in those thoughts my negative perceptions, emotions, thoughts, etc kept raising their ugly head. It is then that I reflect on what I said about being a father, I’ll just do the opposite when I have the slightest hint, that thoughts, emotions, behaviors being negative in personality are trying to dominate. I totally accept responsibility for the seemingly babbling, confusion that I just wrote.

    One thing that I have incorporated in my personal constitution is something to give me good direction. I came up with a belief that I live by everyday…The ONLY resign I wake up every morning is because I have been given another chance to do things right and to do the right things. At the end of the day, I guarantee that when I look at my “how-did-I-do-report card” it is not a 4.0 GPA with honors. But that philosophy has served me well as a starting point.

    Just be ever so present, mindful, Hemmingway, with your thoughts, feelings etc and continue to nurture what you already are-a better man. Therapy? You are so far ahead of that it’s CRAZEEEEE! You already have 3 therapist’s, your heart, your soul, your conscience.

    Pearce Hawk

Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 218 total)