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PearceHawkParticipant
Hi Rox…Believe me, I have a lot of damage control to do on me as well and it actually feels good knowing that I am, as I say, throwing out the trash too. It has made me a lot more room to grow in ways that I had not expected. One of the concerns that I think that the guy you had been dating was that he may have felt that your adverse reactions were more present than what he had visions for, presumably visions of being with a good looking kind woman like you. They may have been so frequent that he pondered how long this will go on, will it get any better etc. From what he may have experienced was he felt that yes, this will continue and no, it won’t get any better. For the most part he is shell shocked and feels that by continuing his relationship with you he would continue to be subject to these negative reactions too often to warrant him to go on. I’m just speculating.
I am curious. In what ways was he perfect for you? While it may be true that you were “the love of his life and that he would always fight for us”, his threshold of tolerance has/is/was not as great as you hoped it would be. That may be due to experiences he had to grow up with and therefore became part of who he is, but again I don’t know him. I agree 100% with Anita that “For as long as you automatically project your childhood fear (and anger) into romantic relationships, you are unable to see the man for who he is (trustworthy or not, loving or not). This childhood projection is like a big, dark cloud overshadowing the man. So you canât see who he is.” It makes perfect sense, to me anyway. As long as he has chosen to disengage from your relationship with him, for reasons that are protective to him, I cannot see how you can fix things with him. For that to happen, you need to fix things with you first. I am not so sure that it was only that you messed things up per se. I think it is also an issue of not being compatible in the first place and so how your reactions set the stage for the breakup, to couple that with being incompatible is a toxic situation. I also believe that you should move on with the knowledge that you have learned many things about yourself. I think that going back to him so soon would sabotage your relationship further for many reasons. First and foremost forgive yourself, love yourself even more and recognize that none of us is perfect, and make a conscious effort to weed out the things you have harbored for a long time. Those things have not served you well in any capacity. They have only hurt you. Just as important, wish him well and hope for a happy journey wherever he goes in life. Because this ending was so painful for you I think that you now realize what you must do for you. And I know you will. To answer your last question, no. I would not date her again. It’s that could have/would have/should have thing. I have moved on in my life and the changes I have made and continue to make are incredibly exciting to me. Those memories are still close, although I am not affected by them in any way. I will not compromise myself by thinking things are better with her, even though I have forgiven her. If anything, please know that there are some truly amazing people here for you, myself included.
PearceHawkParticipantAisha I am truly sorry that you and your family have to be exposed to this. My question is, how is it that you and your family so close to your g’mother? Do you all live together?
All too often people believe that just because people are related, such as biological brothers and sisters, grandparents, parents, etc, that relationship is a requirement to tolerate emotional abuse. Emotional abuse, no matter who it comes from, is totally unacceptable. So because she is your g’mother, and your mom’s mother, absolutely does not obligate you to be the beneficiary of emotional abuse. In caving in to her manipulation through emotional abuse only strengthens her will to use it over and over again. She does this only because of the approval of others. That approval comes in the form of complying to her ever present threat of emotional and verbal abuse.
I’ll spare you a lengthy opinion and say this. Now is a good time to let her know that under no circumstances will you no longer tolerate her verbal abuse. She needs to let go of her antiquated and unacceptable ways of addressing her granddaughter and the family. I doubt she will do this. But standing your ground, demanding that she has two choices: either talk to you in a respectful manner or not at all, doing this will put her on notice that you are a human being first and foremost and by virtue of that you deserve to be treated in a respectful manner. Doing this will also empower you to regain your sense of self respect and dignity. Realize that in doing this, she will still be your g’mom.
We are all here for you Aisha.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantHi Rox…I once had a g/f  that over reacted to the point where her reactions were excessive for the minor things that happened. Her reactions were explosive. These reactions were invariably followed by the requisite “I’m sorry”. This pattern continued with pendulum regularity, an explosive reaction followed by the get out of jail free card of I’m sorry. I’m trying to recall an example of a minor infraction turning into a federal offense…Here’s one…I bought some table napkins once, but didn’t open the package and put some in the napkin holder. It’s not that these over reactions kept occurring, but they were also brought out in the open months and sometimes years after the event happened. I guess it served to shore up her arsenal of emotional abuse for later use. I told her that by her continuous doing that is tantamount to hauling around a bad of trash. I told her that she needs to throw out the trash. I also told her that in talking to me that way robs her an opportunity to develop and maintain a happy healthy relationship. It got to the point where when she would react so violently where I told her that she was either looking for a fight or looking to start one. To me it seemed as though, in her mind, a fight that evolved into a you vs me showdown was mandatory in a relationship. It was not long after that, that I went my own way. To this day I will not tolerate emotional abuse. She was all upset in a bad way. She told me, “I’ll change.” I told her, “I look forward to that. You will find such love and happiness that way. But when you do, if you do, stop by some time and let me know how you’re doing and we’ll do lunch.”
I think what I am trying to say is maybe now is a perfect time for you to take a step back and have a talk with yourself, and, your self, and admit that “yes this is how my reaction affects not only me but others as well.” There is absolutely nothing wrong in doing that. When I did that, it made a HUGE difference in my life. I constantly have my fingers on that pulse. Have a talk with yourself, Rox. Throw out the trash. It will make a lot more room in that huge heart that I KNOW you have that will make more room for someone special for you to hold.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantCraig thank you for reading my post and offering your visions. Your perspective on the relationships as well as your experiences resonates with my experiences and wants. I like to think that the way I choose to learn, to live life, for lack of a better term, is a holistic approach. I would like to be involved, deeply involved, with a woman where my efforts to be a better person in many ways, is in line with hers. To me that would mean “we found each other” where we both can nurture each other’s desire to think and be in a better pace. It is not the antiquated proverbial my way or the highway. It would be our way. There is one thing that is 100% certain. I will not settle for less just because I have not found that person. I remain patient in quest for finding this person. Even that has a caveat in that it has been said many times in many different ways, that patience is not as passive as people think. It is active. It is concentrated strength, even though we do like to see it as a passive gesture. I think that people do exhaust their efforts to find that special person and settle for less than what they want to pacify their insecurities because they are lonely. For many, to settle for less is the answer for them and I guess that too is also fine for them. Doing so has no value to me. For many this feeling of being lonely chips away at their self worth. I used to doubt myself and question my self worth because I was lonely. A long time ago I realized that the feeling of being lonely is really a chance for me to question, what the hell is going on. Even that turns into an invitation, an opportunity, for me to find a quiet place, quiet my mind, be at peace and mental clarity, and clear the attic so to speak. When I do that, the feeling/experience that I get I cannot describe to someone that would comprehend what I am feeling. That is not to say that the person I would describe that experience/feeling to is not capable of comprehending. It is just my level of experience in describing what I feel is limited by finding words coherent enough to put the listener in the same realm to fully appreciate it.
I think for many people they do not want to change. They are comfortable in the narrow margins of their comfort zone. For them that may be just fine. For me, that’s just like eating broccoli-I refuse to do it. Not going to happen. I often tell people that learning has no value if change is no longer necessary. But for me, life is about learning, it’s about making the necessary changes for a much better quality of life, it’s about connecting with the elements that effect change for the better and being able to nurture that knowledge.
Like you, I am still searching for what it is that I want. For me, looking for I want is not singular. Â Maybe by the end of the book of my life and I am about to go into the next “room”, as I call it when my body dies, I will be able to say that indeed, I did find what I want. Until then, I keep learning, and I learn and I learn…
Thank you for sharing a personal side of your life. I appreciate learning from you…
PearceHawkParticipantHi David…I hope that when you read this you are well on the way to embracing amazing things that will take you down a road that surely leads to a life of happiness. When you said, “The only thing I need working on is the feeling of resentment, anger and need for revenge for the person whose spiteful actions has put me in this present position.” I respectfully disagree because of the operative words, “the only thing.” Am I correct in my belief that your “boozing spree for several days” are not a sudden knee jerk reaction or rare moment? I ask this because I get a sense that alcohol occupies a great deal of your life. Alcohol is the judge, jury, and executioner and plays havoc not only on you but your family and relationships  as well. When you said, “This isnât the first time something like this has happened as I count myself very vulnerable to anxiety and low mood (wonât say depression)” I must again with all due respect to you my friend, challenge this by saying that there are many expressions of depression, with your desire to contemplate suicide being one. With you saying that “This isnât the first time something like this has happened as I count myself very vulnerable to anxiety and low mood (wonât say depression) and I ended up in hospital for 10 days last year after a similar booze induced breakdown.” being another. When people resort to alcohol as a means to avoid their responsibilities to themselves to manage issues of negative effects, they in essence are only masking the problem rather than confront them and make the necessary healthy changes. Whether it be a chemical imbalance in your brain of the effects of an adverse upbringing, or a combination of both, your depression is something of a priority that needs to be dealt with and I think that by being an active participant in making what I call a correction in direction, you can be a key architect in making the changes you need to and become the beneficiary of a beautiful life. I got your 6 my friend.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantI am grateful for having been able to wake up today because that means I have been given another chance to do things right and to do the right things.
PearceHawkParticipantHi dreaming 715,
What Eliana has to offer is good, very powerful medicine. What Anita says is very solid too. There is no possible way that I can add to what they said. What Anita said about “getting over an intense fear is a long term project” is the real deal. It will be a long term project. But as you engage in your pursuit in getting over it, don’t think to yourself that you’re going to do it. Think to yourself that you ARE doing it. And you will. The one thing that I got from my step-dad, as a gift that I shall be forever indebted to him for, was that he did manage to teach me one thing. That one thing was how not to be-like him. It is for that reason that I am a good father to my daughter because I just did the opposite he did. That is a sad commentary to make, but it has never failed me. I am forever grateful that he did abandon me. Even though my gratitude for that was not fully appreciated for many years later. Be grateful for what your mom gave you, how not to be-like her. Knowing this will be very helpful I’m sure in starting to get over that abandonment. One last thing, you truly are ok.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantAnita, first of all, I just caught wind of your ankle injury. I really hope it is just a sprain with no long term effects. After all there is that marathon coming up that I KNOW you want to run đ
As I read your post about my question, I found that it was solid and clear. That it is well thought out and thoughtful in a very considerate way. The clarity comes from an acute understanding that you have as well as a desire to make clear what it was that I want to know. I found it to be very compassionate and gentle. But… there’s always a but…I want you to know that those adjectives are not words that I have chosen. They are what I see in you, through text. Those words emanate from your heart and soul. I feel like a Guru asked me to open my eyes, and asked me, “What do I see?”. What I saw was what you gave me. I know you didn’t have to dig deep for that either. It is always in your hands always ready to give so freely, so unconditionally. So from my heart and soul, thank you.
What you said about…”I admire your extensive compassion and kindness (expressed in these forums) in spite of such monumental injustice and misfortune that you experienced” is really nothing special. My ability to manage events from once upon a time comes from my ongoing learning that I have no reason for me to invest my time nor effort in negative reminders and thought that were expressed by people who who lead an insulated life with regards to acts of kindness and love, as hubris as that may seem. I cannot tell you how many times I nearly lost my life, or the number of times that I SHOULD have lost my life in the Middle East. Out of those experiences was born a whole new perspective and appreciation for life. It makes me realize that we don’t have tomorrow, or next week, or even an hour from now. All we have is now. So it is through that realization that I try to not take for granted my time on earth. So with that time, I try my best to, (I’m stuck here) I try my best to live better. One of the key things that helps immensely is your unselfish yet gracious giving from your heart. Thank you for getting back to me. I do appreciate it. Don’t forget that marathon you are so ready to run đ
Pearce Hawk
PearceHawkParticipantEliana thank you for taking the time to read my post and for taking the time to answer back. I appreciate it. All the things you said, about American society continuing to be on auto pilot (what a perfect word), people getting high or being excited not getting caught, etc, is something that has resonated with my views. I never understood how cheating is the river card, as they say in gambling, as a first or only option. I salute those who believe they can beat the incredible odds stacked against them by not getting a divorce. Trying to beat those odds certainly is a challenge to the very depth of their soul and character. But they do deserve a chance. It’s when “things” interfere with and takeover our desire to navigate a straight course in relationships that things like cheating happens. I think that there are as many reasons to cheat as there are people doing it. If cheating is becoming more prevalent in our society, then I’ll gladly remain the odd man out đ
PearceHawkParticipantChau I hope that by the time you read this, you are embracing the peace, love, and happiness that you deserve. When we look into, what I call the rear view mirror of out life, a metaphor I use for memories, we see events that remind us of so many things. Some of those things seem to be more clear than others. Some more sad than happy, some more happy than sad. But as you take your eyes off that rear view mirror and look forward again, we see a new road where we have chosen to go. Sometimes we make a u-turn, or reflect on what is in our rear view mirror, and try to revisit a place we once were, only to learn that hurtful moments served you well in that they enabled you to make what I call a correction in direction. It seems clear to me that you are well on the way down a road you have chosen to go. There is infinite wisdom in what Anita and Eliana have offered. Embrace not only what Anita and Eliana has to offer, but embrace the strength and wisdom that you obviously have inside you. It will always serve you well.
Pearce Hawk
PearceHawkParticipantHannah your poem speaks volumes of pain. There are over 7.5 billion+ people on earth. The beauty of that is there is absolutely nobody like you. Although there are 7.5 billion people, out of all those people, even though you and I have never met, I KNOW that you are an uncommonly amazing and beautiful person. This is a fact of life. Darkness cannot keep out the light. You are the light that shines in a dark world of 7.5 billion people. I am not so sure about what you said, that “no one can save me.” I know that Ana, myself, Anita, and countless others here are reaching out their hand extending their hearts and souls to you. All you have to do is reach out for that and grab hold of those amazing people. I can assure you that one thing will happen. They will be there for you, as will I.
I wish you all the peace, love, and happiness that life has to offer, for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the least you deserve.
Pearce Hawk
PearceHawkParticipantRIGHT ON!!!! What amazing strength and courage you have. I’m very happy for you.
June 23, 2017 at 8:40 am in reply to: Something Strange is Unfolding Upon Earth (FAO 'Lightworkers') #154682PearceHawkParticipantTannhauser you have been talking in depth about many things that disturb you. I think that your expressing your discontent with religion is a road you are traveling and at some point I feel that you will make a turn at your choosing, and in doing that you will have many of the answers you are looking for. To me that’s exciting, to see someone relentlessly pursuing answers to questions rather than giving up on themselves and just go with the flow. Only dead fish go with the flow. I wish more people reached out and talk about their negative experiences with religion like you do. Stay the course my friend. You know how to get to where you’re going.
June 22, 2017 at 9:34 pm in reply to: My friend is upset with me and I don\’t know how to deal with it #154630PearceHawkParticipantOliaS what Manders said, “…all friendships arenât meant to be and all relationships arenât permanent…” is spot on. I want to share a poem with you that a woman named Veronica A. Shoffstall wrote in 1971…
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesnât mean leaning and company doesnât always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses arenât contracts and presents arenât promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrowâs ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learnâŚYou said, “Iâm not sure what to do.” With so much going on between you two, space and patience is paramount. Let it run its’ course but keep your fingers on that pulse.
Please do let us know how you are doing.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantHi Ray…thank you for getting back and I hope that all is well with you. Anxiety is but one of a constellation of symptoms of perfectionism that can and do cause physical and emotional imbalance. Perfectionism becomes a problem when it causes emotional wear and tear or when it keeps you from succeeding or from being happy. Sometimes the  pain of perfectionism is felt in relationships with others. The person with that personality trait sometimes put distance between themselves and others unintentionally by being intolerant of others’ mistakes. You said, “I remind myself that everything will be okay and as long as I do my best to be positive and focus on what I love about him it will all go away with time.” The Lakota Sioux say, “Ley hehun nike waste. It is pronounced lay-he-hoon-nee-kay-wash-tay. Translated it means the day is good. And when you said …everything will be ok…it reminds me of when I lived as a child for almost 5 years with a Lakota Sioux family on the Rez. What the White Horse family taught me was, the day IS good.  It all depends on how we as people treat the day. Since “day” in the Lakota perspective is part of nature, we cannot and do not own any part of nature. It all depends on how we treat the day, something that, by virtue of day being part of nature, is already perfect. What a difference your tone “sounds” compared to your first post. I think you have a very good handle on it. You always have but some variables created an imbalance in your life. I’m so happy for you. One of my favorite quotes is by a guy named R.D.Laing. He seems to be a pretty cool cat. What he said really opened my eyes to how I see things. He said, ” The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice, that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice, how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.” Reading this one time gave me a solid opportunity to rethink my approach to things. It has made me a much better person even though I think I was anyway, although my friends will feverishly dispute this đ It helped me change for the better, I think anyway. I have learned too that learning has no value if change is no longer necessary. I cannot remember who said that. But the truth to that is profound. And not only “focus on what I love about him” but focus on the love you have -for you. All too often we ignore that. Let go of the need for perfection. This has interfered with your ability to embrace so much more. When you do let go of that perfection, think about how much more you can give to your man. I’m really happy for you.
Pearce
- This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by PearceHawk.
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