When you said, “I think I have assumed that a boyfriend was gonna make me happy all the time?” recognize that your b/f cannot make you happy. As you have heard it a zillion times I’m sure, that happiness comes from within. I learned that many, many years ago and I will not abandon the fact that my happiness really does come from within me. He may join you in your happiness, conversely you may join him in his happiness and in by doing that, happiness is shared. I used to view the existence of my happiness as coming from past g/f’s. I used to think, “she makes me so happy” but then I realized that my being happy with that one g/f was a result of my inner source of happiness sharing that happiness with her. When my happiness and hers were coupled together, I realized, at some point not sure when it was, that it was the love and happiness within each of us, was multiplied a million times over. I used to think that in a relationship it should be 50%/50%. Then one day I was troubled by that thought, that something didn’t seem right about it. So I pondered it and it was literally about 3 years later that I understood what wasn’t right about the idea that relationships should be 50/50. I realized that a relationship should be 100%/100%. If it is not, let’s just say we cling on to the50/50 idea, then what do we do with our other 50%? Is that 50% spent on holding back? Mistrust? I’m not sure anymore because when I am involved with a woman, happy and in love, then I give 100% of me. When we broke up, I did not doubt the 100%/100% idea. She scaled back her 100% effort to use on someone else. But up to that point, it worked. The hurt was there, no doubt. If I should be so lucky as to get in to another relationship, I would not hold my past experiences against her. After all, she was not a part of my past relationships so it would be so unfair to measure her up to someone she never knew. Those were just random thoughts of mine that I only hope will help. Sometimes a different perspective is what we need.

Take some time to be by yourself and your daughter, perhaps a weekend. Have that talk with yourself about your fears, how it is now affecting both of you, and maybe even your daughter, I don’t know. Hopefully not. You know the self talk…why do I think this way? Is this way of thinking serving you well? Is it something that you can eliminate from your personality? You mentioned the jealousy factor. Be fore my wife and I got divorced, we had The Fight. One thing she said, which was far from being the truth, is she said that I don’t care for her because I am not a jealous person. I told her that I am not jealous because I do care for her. Jealousy is an evil thing, I think. For me, it is one of the most destructive behaviors that can ruin a relationship. I think jealousy has a self esteem issue and insecurity component to it as well…

enough of the babbling. I have this sense that you are going to overcome this feeling. It’s just that a once upon a time in your life is affecting i.

🙂

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by PearceHawk.

You are very welcome 🙂

Claire I hope that as you read this, you are embracing the love that you deserve.

I am not sure that I can offer the guidance that you are asking for, but I will share my experience with the hope that it takes you to a better place that will allow you to be more clear in your being. I too was a member of the health care community. I served 3 tours in Iraq and 13 months in Afghanistan. The emotional trauma still lingers although I have a MUCH better handle on it. One point in the 13th month in Afghanistan I was severely injured. It was a blast from an RPG that sent me and my best friend about 10-15 feet away from the impact of the rocket. As I turned to get my buddy off me, I saw that from his shoulder on up was completely blown away. As I tried to move I realized that I could not move my legs. I was paralyzed from the waste down for just over 9 months. It took a year of rehab in Germany before I could walk independently, without a walker. Still it wasn’t pretty sight. When I got home I discovered why, during the 13 months I was there, why I got 2 letters, maybe 3 from my wife. She was “with” someone that she worked with. That 8 year marriage ended. During the entire time I was not able to walk, I was resigned to believing that I was a burden. What I thought was my purpose all but disappeared. Psychological counseling was a joke, to me anyway. The survivors guilt is something that has a grip on me to this day.

After I returned home I continued to go on the self-pity journey. Then one day I realized that I was no longer willing to accept my downhill spiral. I went to my favorite spot on the beach and think about what the hell was going on with me. I realized that what I was going through was a result of all the trauma I was exposed to and not some decision I made. What I was feeling was not me, it was a series of events that overwhelmed me. After a short while I asked myself what it is that I want. The answers did not come from anyone or anything. They came from within. To shorten my story, because I changed my way of thinking I was able to drastically change myself. Everyday I continue to seek out that which makes my life happier, better, more loving and caring. My sense of purpose continues to grow each moment. I am sure there are many details I could offer.

All I am saying is that you can find purpose, and happiness, and love. Just decide what it is that YOU want, how YOU want to be, and go for it.

Pearce

Hi Chelsea…I hope that when you read this the answers that you are looking for are becoming more clear. I also hope that you are embraced with the peace and love that life has to offer. Having your mind at ease, clear, as you struggle through this, is a better place to be, even though the circumstances make it very difficult. I am truly sorry form you having to sort this out.

A few questions come to mind…How long have you been dating him? How did you 2 meet?

I too have learned the hard way with what you are going through and when that trust is breached it is very difficult, at least for me, to trust that person. With me, if I was in a relationship and my trust in who I was dating was broken, for whatever reason, then I find myself entertaining the question, why go any further. I could easily say, ok well let’s move forward, but that suspicion would always linger. Not a good place to be. I have adopted the saying, first time a victim second time a volunteer.

I sense that some people are playing you. I hope that you would consider perhaps meeting not only the b/f but the girl in question to confront them. The response would be very interesting, especially if both he and the “other girl”  declined the offer. I have to think on this a bit more because I don’t think what I offered was very solid. Let me think on this and I promise I’ll get back to you. In the mean time stay the way you are-strong.

Pearce

Dear Rose…The question in the title of your post is one that I find it to be actually a very welcomed question because I entertain that question frequently. So I have asked myself, what is the meaning of my life?. At first when I told myself, the meaning of my life is…with the operative word being “is.” To me that word implies an absolute, which I believe is not the case. So lately I came to realize, (for now a least as I constantly ponder this), I will not truly know “the” meaning of my life, until I have reached the end, at which point I will be able to answer, the meaning of my life was what it was. If that makes sense. But I would like to further explore your thoughts but for me to do so I must as for clarification from Anita…

Anita can you please help me understand your thought that ” It is not possible to be happy as a state of being? ”   This statement intrigues me so much that I want to visit that thought.

I am looking forward to hearing from both of you.

Pearce

Hello Jay 🙂

When you read this I hope that you are able to reach into your heart and soul and be in that special place that I KNOW you have, that brings you all the love, peace, and happiness that you deserve.

First, I hope that you find my response, and Anita’s and everyone else’s as well, to be a safe harbor in your storm where you CAN take a sigh of relief knowing that we do want you to be a part of our life by your reaching out to us, as we want to be a part of yours by embracing our thoughts. I am wondering…what were you feeling, what were your thoughts in general, prior to going to college? Did/do you have support in your ambitions? Were there certain expectations brought about by your family? For many of us the days, weeks, months planning on going to college is often times met with a certain amount of apprehension and uncertainty and this, I believe, is a perfectly natural experience. It can  also be a time of excitement, going forward in the next chapter of your life. On one hand you have apprehension and anxiety while on the other you have excitement. This clash of dichotomies can easily paint a broader picture of uncertainty. When you said, “A lot of my feelings revolve around comparison to people on social media, comparison to my sister,” who is doing the comparison? What is the history of your heartbreak? I think that exploring these questions, and questions that others may have, will be very beneficial in helping you find answers. I most certainly understand how being a 21 year old living at home can be reason for you to feel bad about that. Society has engineered a stigma attached to someone being 21 living at home while going to college. This stigma is not only unfair, but it is not necessary to incorporate that into your life. It is something that is based on what other believe as to how things should be, thus the comparison. How others believe in the regard, is irrelevant. What IS relevant is how YOU believe you should live your life in order for you pursue your aspirations. Allowing yourself to disregard this stigma will allow you to see a huge benefit living at home while going to school at this age. That benefit is seeing how much money you will save by not paying rent somewhere else, unless soupy a minimal rent at home. Still the monetary difference in paying rent at home, if you do, and paying rent for an apartment is HUGE. Not only that, living with other people, i.e. room mates, can prove to be very difficult. It will challenge your patience many times to the point where you may think, I didn’t sign up for this. One never truly knows another until you live together. I have learned that the hard way.

I don’t believe that you are “unbelievably done with everything” because you are not done with you and that is what truly matters. And you are not “unbelievably done with everything” because you are seeking answers for you, by reaching out to us. There is something very powerful in you not being done with you combined with you reaching out to us. When Anita so graciously said “Appear and Uncover,” little did you know that you actually did that by appearing (to us) and uncovered your hurt. You are obviously a beautiful woman and by appearing and uncovering you have allowed such a warm, beautiful soul with a huge heart to reach out.

Please consider my questions though. I think the answers will be key in helping you. I know for a fact, that I am going on with my day, wondering how you are doing. I hope that by getting back to me, to us, I will come to know that you are doing just fine.

Pearce

Hi Maria…

I hope that as you read this, many of life’s good things are embracing you and that they bring you peace, love, and happiness.

There are many things going on in his life that are destructive to himself as well as to others. And there is a comment that you made about him that will only serve to nurture those behaviors, but I will reserve that for a later comment. You said, “he does not do any kind of job..he earns money from gambling/betting.He smokes, drinks and sometimes abusing also…” Although he does not have any kind of job, his gambling only serves to activates the brain’s reward mechanism, thus giving him a “rush” sensation. There is very strong data that supports a closer relationship between pathological gambling and substance abuse disorders. In the absence of treatment for pathological gambling, as one continues to become more involved with gambling, the more difficult it becomes to overcome, as the “rush”, the excitement becomes an enjoyable stimulation. Gambling addiction is a very serious problem as many families are destroyed by it. There are only 2 things that come out of smoking…(1) making tobacco companies and their C.E.O.’s rich and (2) it results in many very, very serious diseases such as cancer, vascular disease, heart attacks, strokes etc. Not only does the smoke that he inhales continues to do serious damage to his life, believe it or not the second hand smoke that you and others inhale is also very dangerous in that not only do you inhale the smoke coming off the end of the cigarette, you also inhale the smoke that is exhaled. A common misconception is that the exhaled is harmless. Some of the chemicals in cigarettes that cause cancer are benzene. This is a natural component of petroleum chemicals which is an important compound in gasoline. Another is arsenic, which is used in the production in pesticides. Beryllium is yet another harmful component found in cigarette smoke. It is desirable material used in aircraft, missile, satellite, and spacecraft production. Long term exposure to this can lead to chronic life-threatening diseases. Formaldehyde and lead, just to name a few more, are very present in cigarette smoke. Questions about what cigarette smoke puts out are, do you think that cigarettes have any value in your life? Is this something that you need to put into your body? The drinking…just another useless substance that, as it gets out of control and becomes a routine part of someone’s life, it is destructive. It only has harmful physical and psychological damage as it becomes more addictive. Alcohol is the judge, jury, and executioner. And while you may think these are things that affect only his life, nothing could be farther from the truth. Believe it or not, sooner or later these things will affect your life and the lives of others around him. Are these things something that you are willing to accept? As for the abuse, you said, “sometimes he abuses on me also..but i generaly dont react as i know it is his habit.” Abuse, on ANY level, whether it be verbal or physical, is not acceptable. Your parents disapprove of your relationship with him for obvious reasons, the unhealthy addictive personality he has. For them to approve of him, and YOU as well, is to accept his abusive behavior. Is this really acceptable to you? Apparently it is when you said, “i am ready to accept him as he is.” To me, when somebody says ‘I accept you as you are’, is to accept sameness. To me, if someone is the same, they are not changing. I do not accept my g/f as she is because she is always learning, always wanting to change for the better. To accept someone who does not want to change in order to learn and be a better person, is to accept routine, boring, sameness stuck in the limitations of not growing.

I am not going to apologize for what may seem to be a harsh opinion that I have. It never ceases to amaze me how people are so willing to nurture an abusive personality, whether it be someone else’s or yourself. My opinion is not meant to be made gentle. I PROMISE you is out of tough love. I think you should take what Jeff has to offer and strongly consider it. It is tempting to take what someone offers you as advice, to say ‘yes but’. To me, when someone says this (the yes but comment), what they are doing is trying to devalue the advice that one gives and place more emphasis on what you believe. Maria PLEASE consider what is said to you, either here or what your parents say. The devil is in the details. But please do not take what Jeff, myself, and others offer as an assault on you. We are very caring people who are throwing you a lifeline.

Hi Aisha…not only is it important to respect elders, it is equally important to respect all people. That includes people respecting you. Respect is something that you should never have to beg for. Unfortunately there are people that feel superior over others and because of that they believe they do not have to show respect. I also believe that some people fear or are intimidated by showing respect. An example is, where I work, there are some who are intimidated by showing respect for junior employees. It is like someone thinking, “I don’t have to give you respect. You’re younger than me.” Another one I have noticed is, “I don’t have to show you respect because I have worked here much longer than you.” When people do not give you the respect you deserve, know that it is a weakness they have. I hope that very soon you have no more distractions with people affecting your studies. I know that over time you will have learned to deal with this in such a way that your studies won’t be affected. When you want to speak, I will listen.

Pearce