Dear Katie,
I’m so sorry that you are having difficult times. I understand how overwhelming bad times can be and despite the fact that we should just – LET GO, God I’m starting to hate that phrase), moving through complicated situations with complicated relationships – is just NOT EASY. So I just want to validate your experience. It sucks, it’s painful and confusing – and I think the place to start is to acknowledge what you feel. Just give yourself permission to be affected by your situation – which is just reality – we all are affected by our lives – people and circumstances – and yes we have a CHOICE to react or respond – but sometimes we are blind sided – and the shit is so thick – that we just get stuck for awhile. But the worst thing, I think, is to have someone TELL you what you should be doing or what you should not be feeling.
This is your life – and your experience. We cannot change what we don’t acknowledge. So for now, just acknowledge your situation and your feelings. How else can you know what is right for you – until you know your own truth.
You will be able to move through this, at whatever pace serves you. And you will be so proud to look back and see all you were able to accomplish. As a nurse, I would like to suggest that you contact your local clinic or health department and ask to speak to a nurse in your community. She can provide resources that can help you get on track and because money is an issue, you may qualify for low cost or free counseling services. If you need medication, every pharmaceutical company as what they call and indigent program whereby they provide free medication to people who qualify financially. No one should go without medical and/or mental health treatment due to lack of finances and insurance. Check out health clinics in your area, public health and ask to be evaluated for assistance.
That will take an enormous amount of energy – with calls and appointments at first. So your first priority is to get help and get healthy. From there you can begin to look at what other steps and or life boundaries may be right for you.
When life is this overwhelming it helps to guide someone into identifying their challenges – then prioritizing them. We can’t do everything all at once no matter how much we want to or need to.
I’ve always found it helpful to journal – it gives me an outlet for my feelings and identifies for me what issues I’m dealing with. You have all the wisdom you need – right inside of you – so trust in your ability to access it. It will come. But there is no doubt that life can get us tangled up like a kitten with ball of yarn.
I hope something I said helped and I’m here to listen – should you just need an ear.
Keep up the good work – you are doing the best you can. Just reach out for help and get healthy – the rest will come. Peacefully, Pat

Isabella,
I am so moved to share my thoughts with you, if humbly I may. I feel like I’m looking in a mirror. Your story, as Matt said is amazing as it shows your capacity for compassion and putting that compassion into action by helping others. This is something I can relate to as a 58 year old nurse, I have spent a life time helping others. Much the same as you, put in a position of caring and helping very early on by my family. I became the one who found a way to nurture, make things right and overall put any one and every one before my own needs. Then I decided to become a nurse, a life long dream, but didn’t do it until the age of 31 with 2 children. I’ve spent over 25 years caring for people and doing anything I could do to ease suffering, including watching and helping them die. I was always reaching out to help someone and going well out of my way to do anything I could to help.
I’ve realized a lot about myself and my own suffering recently when my daughter was diagnosed with MS. I have been devastated. So sad and fearful for her and angry that I cannot protect my child from life. A lot of other life challenges happened this year as well, I had a car accident, I fell on ice at work, my employer denied me insurance coverage, I have a workers compensation law suit against them, I have serious health issues related to the fall and 2 close friends move out of state and another passed away from lung cancer. My daughters (grown) live in NYC which is about an hour from me and with my back problems, traveling is difficult. So I felt very alone. I looked around my life and did not see anyone – family & friends, offering support, care or concern. All I heard was – well you know how “they” are. I had spent so many years and so much energy always supporting everyone else – and when I needed the same – no one was there.
Boy was I (and still am) angry. I never did what I did for pay back – but what the hell – what happened to Karma.
I felt very betrayed, and like you, mad at myself thinking that I created all this by not balancing my giving. I also must say that as a fellow “people pleaser” I have found that my circle of friends and family seemed to gravitate towards me “because of my ability to help and support”. So everyone around me needed me, yet they were not capable of giving me what I needed. A tough place to be!
I’ve struggled recently, like you with blaming myself. I try to convince myself to “shut out” these people that can’t be there in the way I want or need them to. When I do that, I don’t feel like me. It is not me to turn away from people.
I’ve come to think that those of us who are born and breed to be compassionate, helping beings – are unique creatures. Capable of being around pain and coming out the other side, the world needs us. I agree that out of balance – we will drain as you and I both have done. It is difficult for a people pleaser or care give to reinforce or even see boundaries when someone is hurting. We just jump into the water – swim to the victim – not just throw in the life line. We swim in and drag them out, sometimes almost taking ourselves with them.
So for me, and I don’t know if you will find any wisdom in this – is about learning and more importantly accepting who I am. It is a wonderful gift to be a compassionate human being. Courageous to be able to sit with someone in the midst of their pain. That takes strength.
My advise to you is to see yourself as the wonderful gift you are. Your compassion is boundless. Balance and caring for yourself is a must. It is true you cannot give what you don’t have and like you, when I was depleted, I was unable to help myself.
I’ve learned that I cannot change who I am. I am proud of the fact that I have helped so many people without judgment. I don’t have to “change” myself – I just need to establish better boundaries. But the bottom line is that people like us rarely get the return compassion that we provide to others. And when we do so much for so many, we wonder why the same energy does not flow back.
I am still working with forgiving people who weren’t there for me. I am still working on not over extending myself, and unfortunately now that I’m aging and dealing with my own health issues, the world is teaching me that by way of my own limitations now.
My point is – it is okay to be who you are – you were born to help – that is honorable – but try giving your self the same gift you have been giving others – Self compassion, self caring and self nurturing. Once you realize how amazing you are – putting yourself first – will come somewhat easier – I pray that for the both of us. I hope that my sharing provided some insight if only in some of the similarities we have shared. I wish you much peace and healing….

Ray,
With reverence and respect for you and your situation, I will offer you my heartfelt input.
I truly believe that we are such complex beings. Being human means that we embody every human emotion, love, hate, fear, regret, and on and on. I often take solace just in that fact – knowing that when I’m feeling what I just to be a “bad” emotion – I’m just being human. Anger and such can serve a spiritual purpose. It can show us aspects of ourselves we don’t understand and even provide a vehicle for change. Humans don’t like change, and often it takes very dramatic and upsetting events – to make us MOVE out of unhealthy patterns!
I too have recently felt anger (not the first time, Ha) about things and people in my life. I try to look at why am I angry? What about this is pushing my buttons so hard? Sometimes the anger is valid – but rarely is it a solution – and getting stuck there does nothing to help us move forward.
Writing is great! I’ve kept a journal almost my whole life. I allow myself to write whatever I want. Then sometime later I go back and read it – and it somehow puts me into an “observer” mode. I can detach from the issue and read the story. I’m not feeling the pain as much and most times I can see why I did what I did.
Please don’t “hate” any part of yourself, no matter how much you judge it to be BAD. You did what you did because that is what you knew then! (think Oprah said that). When I need to find compassion for myself I will often say – if a friend was telling me this story – what would I say?
We often will be so tough on ourselves. Try to look at yourself as an amazing human being (that I know you are) who has gone through unique life experiences. If you really do look at what you’ve gone through – and who you are – you will love the person you are! Blessings

I believe it is so sad that our society is so driven by looks. Even very beautiful people never seem happy with the assets they have, and are always look for more, because there is always someone else with more beauty, charisma and charm.
We need to be okay being who we are! Big challenge. It is amazing to me how much I care about what people think and say about me, despite the fact that I work very hard at leading a spiritual life.
The things that make us unhappy in life – and there are many – we cannot control.
I have been dealing with changes in my mind, body and spirit that come with age. In my day, I have to say now (didn’t think it then) I was a pretty attractive woman. It was quite common to be acknowledge by other men for my looks in my younger days.
Now, I am no longer “flirted” with – only once by a 90 year old man who said he liked my scarf!
I find myself wanting to change my appearance to look younger. The Aging process is not appealing to me. But like many things in my life – I have no choice.
That being said – physical attraction is important in relationship and I think it is an attribute that should be entertained. The more things we can find in people that we like the greater the chance the relationship will be a satisfying one. So maybe you will find someone who is beautiful both inside and outside. Good luck.
Pat

Katie,
I have suffered from chronic pain related to degenerative disc disease. I have 4 herniated discs in my spine and at one level the nerve root becomes irritated when I move and cause extreme nerve pain in my leg. The result is that I can walk about 10 minutes before the pain stops me in my tracks. This has gone on for over 12 years and I have learned so so much about what I call “invisible disability”. I too, look fine from the outside. Don’t walk with a limp, cane or walker.
It is amazing that what people don’t see – then can’t believe. I gives us the additional burden of having to “explain” our situations and limitations, and often we don’t want to admit our limitations, or maybe we don’t want to complain, or ruin someone else’s day.
I have had to drastically limit my activity with this condition, because if I “walk” through the pain, the nerve gets more and more inflamed and then I am down for a couple of weeks. So I have learned how to moderate, mainly can’t walk, stand, or sit for long periods of time. This has affected everything and everyone in my life. I am married with 2 grown daughters who live in NYC. I have to choose my priorities for activity. Sometimes something is so important to me that I participate and pay the price later. Sometimes and more often, I have to turn down the invite. If I can somewhat find a way to accommodate my limitations I will do that, but the last resort which I’ve only done once, is to use a wheelchair. I hated it – felt like such a victim – was really noticed – and didn’t like that either.
Anyway, I have experienced extreme judgment on the part of others including family and friends alike. I have been accused of using my condition to avoid being with certain people. Trust me, I would much rather have a fuller active life, then avoid people I don’t like by not going places.
The key for me is : trying to find a balance between not giving up, and honoring my physical needs. The other thing I learned is that : this is my truth, no one else’s, so I get to deal with it in the way that suits me best. I learned that people’s opinions should not matter. I also learned that I am not my body, nor my illness, there is still a “whole” me regardless of my physical body. I also found it extremely important to make my loved ones understand…..not in a complaining or victim way – but in a simply factual way – this is what I can and cannot do and this is why. My family has learned to try to help moderate our activities best we can. I make sure transportation is easy, we limited certain things – like walking vs taking a cab, or traveling certain times of the day, etc. Sometimes I have to just speak up and say I can’t walk anymore. It has been a long, hard road to learn how to live with chronic pain and I am still learning. I hope some of my sharing helped and I am open to helping in anyway I can.
Peace
Pat

Chloe,
Making decision in the midst of confusing emotions is very difficult, and sometimes dangerous. There have been so many new changes in your life, you haven’t really had the time to settle in and create your life. And at your age, this is what you are supposed to do. You are being challenged with making “adult” decisions and receiving adult consequences. Growing up and away from our family guidance (if you were lucky enough) to do that, can be life altering and sometimes difficult experience.
Can you define “what you want”? What is your dream job? What calls to you at the deepest level?
Maybe if you can write a project type letter which would define your goal, give you some action plan to achieve that goal with a timeline, it might help you organize your thoughts.
Once you find your passion – you will open to people. It’s hard to poetic and intimate when you don’t know who you are or what you want.
Sit with pen and paper and begin to ask yourself to – tell you about yourself. You can also write a letter to yourself – stating your goals, emotions and challenges. Then you can go back to it – and work on it from a problem solving level.
I honestly once you feel better defined – you will have more confidence and be more at easy with people.
This is just a temporary bump in the road of live. You’ve got a long way to go. So live and learn well so the future bumps don’t throw you out the window.
Blessings, Pat

Daniel,
My advise comes with a desire to be helpful. As a nurse, one aspect I would like to ask you to consider is that during your extra marital sexual activities (not a judgmental term, just trying to say it in a socially acceptable way), you may have been exposed to a communicable disease. My suggestion would be to go to a doctor and ask for STD & HIV, Hepatitis testing. Hopefully you will be clean, but in the event that you have contracted something, you then need to face the fact that you might have put your wife’s health at risk as well as your own. If something is diagnosed, you need to search your soul about doing the right thing by telling your wife so she can get treatment. Withholding that information could make her ill.
If all is well and both of you are health! Congrats! But I wonder if sharing your burden with her and telling the truth, might lift 1,000 lbs from your shoulders. I know it is risky because you don’t know if she will forgive. That is the risk you take. But you took the risk when you chose the behavior.
If she is able to forgive – just think how much richer your relationship will be. Sharing what deeper reasons made you reach out to others in this way will only ensure that you try not to ever repeat the pattern. I can’t of course promise a good outcome! What do I know of the result! I just think it would incredibly hard to keep that secret forever. When and if the time is right – you might trust that your wife will have the capacity to forgive. You might have to work really hard on making that happen. She will go through many scary emotions, normal to feeling betrayed. But if you really love her, and are sorry for your actions, you can make it right.
I wish you luck and happiness in any choice you make.
Pat