Dear anita,

I appreciate everything you have said. Summarizing all the events helped me organize my own thoughts as well and I must really thank you for it. As it is my first ever relationship, I forgave the general “stupid” things she did because I felt they were normal overthinking and misunderstanding that females tend to go through. So I forgave her for the things she did, that is why I continued to take her back every time she behaved in a “stupid” manner.

“All this so far quite intense, but still in the parameters of teenagers/ very young people in love.” You are right about the incidents that happened in the first couple months could be considered teenager/young people issues that are quite normal. But don’t you think we should be trying to behave like proper adults? Everyone knows that few of the most important rules in a relationship is to not cheat, not hide things, and not to lie to their partner. The first incident of “cheating” happened when she was naked with only a towel wrapped around her while her ex removed her braids. I was already uncomfortable knowing that she had relationships with a few men over the year and slept with multiple men before. And she was well aware of that. But knowing how humans are, I understood that in each relationship she probably assumed that her partner then would be the person she would spend the rest of her life with and so it doesn’t matter if she slept with him before marriage, so I forgave her for her past, because what she did is understandable. However, I think it’s quite disrespectful that she spent a day with her ex partially nude right after we broke up. Anita, how would you feel if you and your partner broke up and the next day he went right back to his ex? And how would you feel if you found out that this happened, but your partner tried to hide it from you first before confessing? Isn’t that a red flag? Doesn’t that mean your partner would probably hide other things from you as well? And how would you feel, knowing that there is a possibility that your partner slept with his ex but denies sleeping with them to you? He probably didn’t sleep with her, but knowing that they were both partially naked, can you really rule out that possibility considering what your partner already tried to hide? I don’t think this kind of behavior is a young people issue cause even adults way older than me have had these kinds of experiences with their partner.

Anita, I understand that what she went through was one hell of a traumatic experience for her. I totally understand that. But knowing what she has done before, it’s hard to ignore the possibility that she is hiding certain details to make it seem like she was manipulated and raped. She already admitted to me that in her previous relationship (with the ex that lives with her which we can call T), she was using the guy as a rebound after her breakup with the guy before him. She admitted that the guy before him (who we can call Al) was the one who taught her everything sexual related, and that means they have done a lot of sexual pleasurable things that she enjoyed but Al also cheated on her so she broke up with him, and then used T as a rebound. So with those things in mind, it is very hard for me to ignore the possibility that she intentionally chose to go along with her aunt’s plan as a rebound after our break up. Maybe she wanted a sexual release as a coping method to dealing with our break up. But it goes back to what I stated in the previous paragraph: how would you feel if your partner slept with another person right after you break up with them? I believe that is utter disrespect. That kind of behavior indicates that she never loved me that much anyway. If she was able to easily move on to the next man, I think it is reasonable to believe that she never loved me properly.

“It is very difficult for a child to see a parent or a parent figure as a bad, horrible person.” Ma’am, this is a 22 year old woman. She is a full grown adult, who has already experienced the pain of being cheated on, and is capable of making their own decisions. She was already aware that going along with her aunt’s plan is extremely wrong, and she still went along with it. Yes you stated that she probably felt indebted to her aunt for taking care of her. But do you think her loyalty to her aunt is more important than her loyalty to her own future life partner who has PROVEN IT IN HIS ACTIONS THAT EVERYTHING HE DID FOR HER WAS OUT OF THE PURE LOVE THAT HE HAD FOR HER? A LIFE PARTNER WHO HAD PROVEN COUNTLESS TIMES THAT HE IS A MAN OF GOD AND ONLY MAKES WISE DECISIONS THAT ONLY BENEFITS HER. Do not forget that I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG AND I WARNED HER!!!!! I warned her that something was wrong about the way her aunt was giving her so much money without expecting nothing in return. And the other thing is that the woman has a daughter of her own who is literally the same age as B. She would not have sold off her own daughter. She chose to sell my girlfriend. B knew what was going to happen and she still went along with it. How can any man bear that? How can any husband, father, or brother bear the pain of knowing that their wife, daughter or sister was sold off by a relative for sex work? And the next day we got back together and we went to the movies like nothing ever happened. I met her aunt and family too and they all pretended like nothing happened. The overwhelming grief of being lied to and the feeling of helplessness, knowing I was not able to protect the woman that I loved so dearly is too much for me. But I thought like you said, and I decided to forgive her for everything she did. But knowing what happened, the severity of the issue, has been eating me from the inside ever since I found out what happened. She lied to me for a year anita. She could be lying about some of the specifics too, I would never know. She continued talking to the man bruh. She continued texting him, to the point that she admitted that she developed feelings for that man, WHILE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. How can I bear this pain? How can I ever get over this? Of this feeling of taking advantage of. Knowing that you poured your heart and soul into this relationship, only for your partner to do this behind your back? I have studied enough psychology over the years to know that her feelings for the man may be a result of Stockholm syndrome, where the person becomes attached to their abuser. But it is hard to ignore all the other possibilities. And knowing that I am probably being manipulated by her is also eating me up. She had all the opportunities to tell me what happened. Instead, she chose to hide it for a year, making me believe everything was normal for an entire year. If she had just told me, I would have helped her through the trauma, but choosing to hide the incident has opened up a lot of questions and doubts regarding whether she can be trusted and about the possibility that it is all a lie.

Months before she confessed what she did, there was another incident with another man, which I forgot to mention earlier. There was another man who was interested in her, a classmate of mine to be precise, and he was not aware that we were dating. And whenever he made his advances on her, she always pushed it aside like it was a small thing. I told her to let him know that we were dating but she said it was unnecessary. Then couple weeks later, right after we had broken up over another fight, I checked her phone when I went over to collect my belongings and noticed that the classmate texted her about the sexual things that he wanted to do to her, and she went along with it, behaving as if she enjoyed it and wanted to experience those sexual things. I was livid when I found out. Can you see what is happening anita? Its literally a pattern. EVERY TIME WE BROKE UP, SHE WENT TO GO ENTERTAIN ANOTHER MAN. LIKE HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE? AND I DID. MY STUPID SELF FORGAVE HER THEN AND GAVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE. THIS IS PURE STUPIDITY. You really cannot tell me that she is not doing this pattern intentionally. There is no way in hell that she did not do this intentionally. This adds more doubt to her confession about her being taken advantage of by her aunt. She could easily be lying. There is no possible excuse you could come up with after you see this consistent pattern, no excuse to convince me to forgive her. The word stupid is not even close enough to describe the severity of her actions. No matter what hard lifestyle she had, I should not have to be forced to put up with this kind of behavior from a woman who knows better. It is not fair that I am being a very loyal, caring man to her, ensuring that no woman could make any advances on me, only for her to be treating me like this.

I offered to be a friend and not her boyfriend to help her heal and move on with life, but she rejected it saying that she wants me to continue being her boyfriend and she does not want to be just a friend as she still has feelings for me. My undying feelings for her makes me want to give her another chance, but remembering everything she has done makes me not want to. She got enough chances already. I need to have some self respect. What do you think? Should I give her another chance? I always believed that everyone deserves another chance, and as someone who knows the value of a second chance, I am tempted to give it to her, but this experience has completely changed my mind.

Paradoxy

Hi anita,

Yes I definitely remember you and I appreciate all the advice that you gave me back then. I can’t believe I have the honor of meeting you again, especially after almost 4 years.

Anita, I do the exact same thing as you: daydream when I listen to music. But more importantly, I have decided to make a remix and call it Moon and Star to depict my feelings. Wish me good luck.

I guess my only option is to stop going after her. But I can’t seem to find a way to stop hoping that she would change her mind.

Ok, Anita. Thank you for the advice. I can try to change my ways but I do not think watching horror movies affect my personality that much since I barely watch any. And I always watch the movies alone in the night so no one really knows how I react at the gory scenes. And I tried seeking counseling but I could not find the solution that I wanted. That is why I tried to find the solution online. But Thank you.

Thank you for your advice. I already do some of the ideas that you suggested. I used to have the motivation to go to school. Now I lost that motivation. For friends, I am not looking for someone who I can cry on their shoulder. I’m looking for someone who does not use me and appreciates who I am. These days people pretend to be friends with me just to get what they want and I end up back in square one at the end of the day. But I still help them even when I know that I’m being used. At least I know I am being kind to them. As for the teachers, they all know that I am always alone and they try to make friends for me but no one wants to be friends other than to use me. These days the word “friend” has no meaning. It is the action of generosity and support that proves that one is a true friend. But being alone has its perks as well; I am not easily distracted, I can finish my work on time, I do not have enemies to worry about since I do not talk much and etc. And I am a nonchalant person who wears a “mask” everywhere: I pretend to be happy so no one can see the pain that I really feel. Anyway, I have been doing those ideas that you suggested for many years now. I listen to music and I play the piano. I play tennis and walk around school cause I do not have anything else to do. And I spend most of my afternoon studying. I have a feeling that I lack friends because we do not share any common interests. I grew up on a farm in a village while all my friends grew up in cities and we do different things in our free time (they play video games while I read books). And I’ve grown to believe that fate and destiny have decided that I should stay alone.

P.S. I got rejected by a girl yesterday. Lol.

I would not be able to go to a doctor or a psychotherapist without letting my parents know. And they would become mad if they knew. The school counselor is unavailable any time soon since he also happened to be the coach of my school’s sports team and they are going on a national level competition this Friday. Besides, if I talked to a counselor, there is no doubt that they will tell my parents. There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated and my parents took out their anger on me and they have not forgotten. That was a couple of years ago but ever since then, I never told anyone else about my problems so talking to a counselor or doctor is out of the question. But like I said, I’ve grown used to this now and I call the feeling I get when I encounter this “Dark Energy” which I happen to like the more I experience it. It gives this weird negative feeling to me and it is the cause of the chest pain I sometimes have. I met another person who felt the same way as me except for different reasons. She felt this chest pain too but she does not like it and we both write about our experience whenever we encounter this “Dark Energy” and it helps to soothe our pain. Also, If you read my other thread, you will know that I loved someone, which also soothed the pain. And even better: the pain from getting rejected distracted me from the pain that I was already feeling. But eventually both feelings merged to create even stronger “Dark Energy”.

But the annoying thing is, I’m still lonely and I feel sad all the time. And I have this weird pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away. In fact, I’m getting more and more depressed each day. I’m starting to cry more than usual, especially at night. I’ve experienced moments when I suffered from so much pain that I cried until my tear ducts couldn’t give any more tears and until my tears turned into blood. But no one ever saw. And no one cared. And I am still suffering. Can you help me?