Dear Tee,

“Actually I am looking at the bigger picture here – at everything you said, not only bits and pieces.” Clearly you are seeing the bigger picture wrong cause you are still forgetting certain things that I said.

“Your experience with B cannot be observed separately from your view of women” You are saying that just cause of one statement where I expressed that I prefer being alone cause I don’t want to be hurt? Obviously I would fall in love again at one point, even if I hate women now, it won’t last for long. I don’t hate women themself, I just hate the pain they cause. You couldn’t understand that I was simply too broken to ever want to deal with women again?

“I don’t know what you mean by entitled feminist women?” Women who think they are equal to men and capable of doing whatever they want and they think that men are trying to act superior to them and they get offended over the smallest things that men say about women and they demand respect instead of earning it.

“However, you cannot make generalizations and accuse all women, or women in general, to be like that.” But I never said ALL women. I said most women. I used the term “most” because based on the countless number of people that I have met, the ratio of bad women to good is like 93:100. I have obviously acknowledged that good women exist. See how easily you twist my words and assume the wrong meaning?

“You too accepted this generalization as the truth, so even though you don’t think that all women are immoral, you believe that good, honest women in the modern world are exceptions to the rule” Cause I came across too many evidences that state this generalization to be true to an EXTENT? But I am still wise enough to know that not all women are immoral, I am aware that exceptions exist. Does that not count for anything?

“So the rule, i.e. the false belief that you adopted, is that most women in the modern world are immoral and not “wife material”. This is the misogyny that I am talking about: believing that the majority of women is bad, but allowing for exceptions.” So you are saying that it is misogynistic to say there are a lot of bad women who have ulterior motives to dating you while also stating that there could be some good women? I also think that there are a lot of immoral men who choose to sleep around with multiple women, and even father children with them only to leave them as single mothers, and men who use women for sex and men who cheat on their own partners and etc instead of settling down with one woman. Does that make me a misandrist? Obviously I have acknowledged that there are good people. But the amount of bad people is so overwhelmingly large, I cannot simply ignore the possibility of coming across them. I have come across too many women who wear revealing outfits to attract men’s attention and sleep with a bunch of them without the slightest respect for their own body, women with body counts in the double digits and I have come across too many women who thinks men should pay for everything and therefore take advantage of the men to pay their bills and etc. I have also come across too many men who prefers to “enjoy their youth” sleeping around with multiple women EVEN WHEN their ideal woman is right in front of them. I have come across too many men who prefers “friends with benefits” instead of having a real relationship. There was even a guy who slept with SEVENTEEN women within his very first week in college just cause the women wanted to sleep with him. But I know good people exist but I cannot afford to be naive enough to expect everyone to be good. How is that misogynistic? Cause if I was misogynistic, you would have to consider me misandristic too.

There was a time when B and I were hanging out with our classmates and some college seniors when we came across the topic of dating and marriage. When they asked me about my relationship, I told them that I wanted to marry B, and they all laughed at me and called me naive for assuming my relationship would work out. They said it is good to have dreams like that but unfortunately it is not that practical, only extremely lucky people get to the stage of marriage, especially in their first relationship, cause a lot of women and men cannot be trusted. They said that was why most of them choose to have sex for fun instead of committing. They told me I would experience the truth the hard way. I tried to prove them wrong but you know what happened.

“You still believe you are not misogynistic? Believing that good women are an exception to the rule?” Yes I do not think of myself as misogynistic because I know that good women exist, but unfortunately there are too many bad women in society today for me to just ignore the possibility of coming across them. The same applies to men. My decision to keep my guard up against all women doesn’t mean I see all women as gold diggers and etc. I am just keeping my guard up to protect myself from being hurt by them. I believed in the good in people at one point and that caused me to fall in love with B within a few months and also caused me to be stupid enough to ignore the red flags despite seeing them. I am not making that mistake again. I still believe in the good in people but I am not going to give my trust to people without them earning it first, but don’t assume that I see them all as untrustworthy, I just do not want to make myself vulnerable to the wrong person and be hurt by them. And that applies to men AND women. There is no misogyny in that. So don’t misunderstand.

I am NOT saying all women are immoral and etc. I am saying that a lot of immoral women do exist, so I have to keep my guard up until I can differentiate between bad women and good women to avoid being hurt by the wrong people. My decision to keep my guard up doesn’t make me a misogynist.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“I know what you have said – you have expressed your opinion of women (which mostly aligns with your parents’ opinion of women).” That was not the one I was referring to. My opinion of women was stated when I expressed my morals. Another time I expressed my opinion of women is when I said this:

“My father taught me to still consider it because there are times when the women is actually right but it is my responsibility to make sure if the woman’s decision is logically viable. There are certain things that women are good at and certain things that men are good at. Please don’t misunderstand, I am not trying to be disrespectful to women. Treasured does not mean they should take care of their husband’s needs. Treasured is more like saying the women should be considered a prize. Someone who should be protected at all costs. Someone who should be loved and cared for and understood and valued.”

So you have the wrong understanding of me. There are a lot of “gold digger” women, and my parents adviced me to be cautious, but they are not saying that every woman is a gold digger, but move forward in life without lowering my guard cause it is better to be safe than sorry.

“You mentioned some woman juggling three men while seeking to rip of a rich Chinese guy, and also more evidence of such immoral women that your father regularly lets you know about in your daily phone calls.” Some stories I heard from him, some stories like the story with the Chinese guy I heard from the guy himself, and other stories from others, and I have seen stories myself cause I was there when they were going through the experience.

“So women force men to stuff down their emotions? Not perhaps your father and other men who tell you to “suck it up and be a man”?” I didn’t say that men like my father didn’t force other men to shut down their emotions, I said that there are a lot of women who leaves their partner or perceive their partner as weak when they show their emotions.

“And when you say “cry or something“, maybe “something” means when they become verbally and physically aggressive?” No, more like ranting or sometimes they become quiet and distant cause they are reflecting on their emotions or other activities that help them cope with sorry. Some women also hate men who are clingy. Verbal and physical aggression is more linked with anger than sorrow, so unless there is a lot of anger mixed in with the sadness, it is less likely to occur, but the annoying thing is that a lot of women tolerate actual abuse which is just stupid because they deserve better.

“So perhaps women leave their husbands not because they are sensitive and crying, but because they are aggressive and can’t control their anger?” I wish that was the case because then it would be reasonable.

“Yes, what you are describing is a patriarchal system, in which the man is the head of the family, and men and women have strictly defined ROLES. It is the woman’s role to give birth and take care of the children and the household, while it is the man’s role to make all important decisions.” Already indicated that I was not referring to the patriarchial system but if my words are not getting through to u, there is nothing I can do. I literally just said a woman’s duty is just as important as the man’s duty.

In a team of medical physicians, there will be a leader that takes the responsibility of gathering everyone to work together and take care of their individual responsibilities but that doesn’t mean the other physicians are not important. They all have a purpose. One may focus on the bone while the other may be a dietician or a radiologist or a surgeon. Each person has their responsibility and their own experiences and it is the combined thinking that helps them figure out a treatment plan for a patient.

So stop putting words in my mouth cause I never said that a woman’s role is to give birth and take care of children and that the man’s role is to make all the important decisions, cause that is not true. Both of them are supposed to work together as the man take the responsibility of leading.

“I am not misunderstading you, Paradoxy. I know very well what you said and what your beliefs are. You expressed them many times, including now, in this latest post.” You just did. You just put words in my mouth and assumed what I was trying to say instead of trying to understand properly.

“Also, when you found excuses for B’s inappropriate behavior by claiming that she is stupid and “operating on literally three brain cells”.” The number of times she has made poor decisions and the number of times we have argued over the same point AFTER AGREEING WITH ME made me just come to the conclusion that she is not thinking. And obviously I was exaggerating to make my point.

“You say you agree with me, but in the very next breath you come with an explanation why you are still right about women being gold diggers, cheaters, or even forcing men to suppress their emotions (which is one the most ridiculous claims I’ve heard).” Are you saying that these types of women do not exist?

“You want to keep focusing on the “lot of women who do not understand this“, same as your father, who is quick to tell you about examples of immoral women in his daily phone calls with you.” When I told you the stories of immoral women, I told u that I WAS THERE for some of the stories while other stories I heard from the persons themselves. Maybe u have forgotten.

“How can you serve your wife, if you believe you have to lead her and make decisions for her?” Go back and READ. Cause this conversation is becoming pointless now because I already stated COUNTLESS TIMES that I WANT TO SERVE my wife. I never said I WOULD MAKE THE DECISION FOR HER. You are doing exactly what the others did. Assuming things and telling me I am wrong without actually understanding what I am trying to say. Go back and read what I said about my morals.

” I am pretty sure that it is because of the same reasons – of feeling unloved and rejected by your parents – that you later felt rejected by your peers too” How is it a feeling if my peers actively rejected me? They specifically said that they did not want to be my friend. I told you. I had to LITERALLY BEG until I finally gave up. That is not cause of the false belief, cause the belief started forming when I was in Grade 9-10 but the rejections started since Grade 1. The rejections caused the belief, not the other way around.

“I was trying to tell you that the system you are trying to fit in is corrupt, and that you don’t need to try to fit in.” Society is already corrupt, maybe not a lot where you live but definitely in all 4 countries that I have lived in. The system I described is not just for me, it happens all over the world. I never said I am defending the system. I am saying that I understand the system’s intentions, but the system is not working positively towards those intentions. That is what you don’t understand. I have been repeating this so many times now.

“You wanted her to understand that she is hurting you with her actions, didn’t you?” I wanted her to understand because the decisions she were making that ends up harming herself was also harming me. Like her decision to sleep with the guy in January. Though that horrible experience was hers alone, that experience is also mine even if I didn’t experience it because her pain is also my pain cause that is how much I loved her. Same goes in other situations too. If she makes a bad investment and loses a lot of money, even if it is her money, I would still be upset about it and ask her to do better next time because I don’t want her to be suffering financially. I wanted what was best for her. I even chose to leave her after certain fights because in my head I felt she deserved someone better than me.

“So a lot of your arguments were about you trying to prove to her that you are a good person, not an abuser. It was you trying to make her understand YOU, make her have empathy for YOU.” Those arguments were AFTER the break up. So at that point I was in the process of detaching from her and trying to stop myself from caring for her. So in that case, yes I did try to make her understand me because despite the amount of times I showed her exactly what she did wrong, she pins the blame on me, saying that I am a cheater and etc, but I didn’t seek her empathy. I just wanted her to realize that I am not the bad person she thought I was. I had reached a point where I didn’t care whether she changed or not. If she changed, good for her. But I am not giving her another chance so I don’t care if she changes or not.

BEFORE the break up, our arguments were to help her be better. Cause at the beginning of the relationship, her issue was indecisiveness. Cause she kept changing her mind about things and it was becoming annoying so I told her to get her act together and stick to her decisions, but I did not expect that the decisions she were going to stick to were all the wrong decisions. So I was not trying to meet my own need, I wanted her to be wiser when making certain decisions so that we won’t be suffering cause of poor decisions.

“That’s why I believe (and you actually confirmed it in your earlier posts) that you staying with her for so long, engaging in endless arguments to prove your point, was very much about meeting your own need: the need to prove that you are a good and loving person. The need to prove your innocence, i.e. good intentions.” You are getting a little confused here. BEFORE the final break up, what I expected from B is to make decisions based on how her actions would hurt BOTH OF US, especially me because her decision to sleep with the man hurt me, hiding her ex hurt me, lying to me hurt me, hiding what happened in January hurt me, her decision to go to the resort with her guy friend hurt me, her decision to post herself publicly in revealing outfits hurt me, her choice of clothing when in public hurt me and etc. I wanted her to understand that those poor decisions hurt me, and therefore she should make better decisions next time. I was not trying to make her understand cause of my unmet need. I wanted her to understand so the relationship could be fixed and we could move forward respecting each other.

But AFTER the final break up, I stopped caring for her. So at this point, the arguments were because she accused me of being a cheater and etc and blaming me for breaking up for invalid reasons, so that annoyed me and made me want to show her exactly who is to be blamed for this mess and that is why I tried to prove my innocence and etc AFTER the break up. So please don’t misunderstand.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“They don’t love and care for your emotional well-being, for your desires, for your goals and dreams.” Yea they do love and care for my emotional well-being lol. But in their own twisted way. That is the part that you don’t get. Like how children go to a flower garden, and pick the most beautiful flower, not with the intention of destroying it, but with the intention of keeping it safe and close to them due to its beauty and the child’s desire to preserve and protect it, but the child doesn’t realize that picking the flower would be the cause of its destruction. Did the child not love the flower? Obviously the child did love the flower, it just didn’t know how to take care of it. I know my parents are grown adults, but they know nothing about how to be a parent, especially since I am literally the oldest child among all my cousins and siblings by several years.

“So an attempted suicide is a sign for them that you are having the time of your life? That everything is great in your life? That you are just bored and don’t have a better thing to do?” Precisely. My dad already has the predetermined ideology that suicidal people are idiots, so he believed that there was no way in hell that his own kid would be suicidal. Besides, it’s not like they can see me in pain. They have to see me suffer in order for them to feel like I need help. I have never shown them my suffering, I kept it bottled. So to them, it appears as if I am living my life fine. They think that everything is normal and I am happy, cause that is what I show them. So obviously they won’t think they are responsible for any sort of suffering.

“No, they expressed the opposite of values of love, care, compassion and mercy in your upbringing. You are convincing yourself that abuse is love. No, it is not.” If you ask them for help, they will obviously help. But as long as the suffering is not obvious enough for them to understand, they won’t offer those values of love and compassion etc.

“Sure, 100 years ago it was all about survival. Nobody cared about mental health. But it wasn’t true then and it isn’t true today either that one needs to be getting the highest paying jobs to be materially secured. That you need to study medicine to ensure a decent existence. So their forcing their will on you, pushing you to choose a career with highest salaries – is a bit more than a “survival response”. I am sorry, but to me it’s already greed. It is having their eyes only on the material, while disregarding anything else.” Let me make this more clear: My parents are ASIAN. It is commonly known how Asian parents are. Always comparing the kids to other kids. Always getting disappointed when their child doesn’t bring home an A+. Always planning to make their child become a doctor or a software engineer or a lawyer etc even before they are even born. Hammering in the foundations of mathematics into their head when they are a mere child to ensure that they do well in school. That is not greed. That is like a traditional thing and almost every Asian family does this same thing. That is why it is known as the Asian stereotype, which most people are aware of. This is NORMAL for us. So obviously they won’t prioritize mental health because they are oblivious to the impact of mental health.

“And how ironical that they should be worried about gold diggers and wicked women who want to take the man’s wealth. In fact, it’s not strange, because they are fixated on wealth (even if they want to accumulate it by honest means and hard work), and of course they are afraid of those who would want to take it away from them” That is a huge misunderstanding. My parents are not greedy. If they were greedy, I would have found a way to get out of this mess. It is cause they prioritize family and tradition and culture that I am stuck in this mess. Greed would have been so much easier for me to handle, cause there are so many ways I could have made enough money to satisfy their greed but unfortunately, their aim was not wealth. That is something you won’t understand until you experience this life. It is too complicated for me to simply express in words, especially since even I don’t understand why my parents are so stubborn no matter how many different examples with exceptions I suggested to them.

“You mean what other men in your religious community expect from their son-in-law?” No in general. B’s father was also the same and the fathers in the church community are also the same.

“Other men in your religious community are obviously very similar to your father, so I guess you would get the same or similar abuse that you got from your father.” But that is the thing, it is not other fathers in our religious community, it is outsiders too, even my own school teachers said the same thing when my mom enquired them about me on parent teacher conference days. EVEN THE CHURCH MEN SAID IT TOO, and we go to a Greek Church so you definitely know they are not anywhere near of our “religious” community.

“Yeah, she encouraged your music development, i.e. your hobbies, which your parents probably thought was bs. But that’s the trick: we often fall in love with someone who is different than our parents in one area, but very similar in another.” Can’t you ever consider the possibility that you could be wrong? B’s encouragement and etc were just a brief scratch on the surface examples of what made her different. She was there for me whenever I had to deal with my parents’ hour long calls that I had endure. She provided me with the emotional support I needed to endure my parents. She helped me plan for a future together, where she studies to become a nurse while I study med and etc. Idk if she was lying but she also agreed to help me quit med if necessary after she becomes a nurse and fund my education for music or computers once I am ready. She made me feel valued. She made me feel like I had a good friend. Someone that I could go on adventures with. Someone who was willing to risk their happiness and make sacrifices to help build me up from my lowest point. In the beginning of our relationship, she did provide these things, even with the issues that led to our multiple break ups. Even if all of this was fake, it doesn’t change the fact that my reasons for loving her were not cause she was similar to my parents. But the annoying thing is that you will use these same examples to say that I was using her to meet my unmet childhood needs that I expected from my parents, which is completely wrong.

“By your morals, do you mean that the first girl you date should be your future wife? Because that “rule” too is something you learned from your father. It’s an invented rule.” No, my moral is that only one girl deserves special treatment. Only one girl deserves to be treated like the queen in a boy’s life. I do not want to be in multiple relationships, and end up loving each girl and breaking up until I find the right girl. I want to be able to make the right girl feel special. To know that I patiently waited until I could find her. To make her feel like every other girl are just normal classmates or colleagues but this one girl means so much more to me. To make her feel like every other girl is worthless compared to her. To make her feel like I would never cheat on her or find interest in another girl, because she is the most amazing woman in my life. I want my gf/wife to feel as if no one else deserves the honor/privilege of being my partner, and I should feel the same way too towards my partner, therefore making each of us that special person in each other’s life .

It is like the issue with body count. A typical man do not like women with high body count, and that goes both ways, cause if your partner slept with 30 guys/girls before they met you, you are no longer that special to your partner, especially sex wise, because he/she got the same pleasure from other people and therefore you become just another guy/girl that can sexually satisfy them; you are not that special.

“But as I said, your attempts to make her understand you and your needs – even though she was totally unresponsive – prove that it was an unmet need. You couldn’t just let go.” Again I say to you, I didn’t let go of her cause of my moral, not cause of my unmet need. I wanted to turn her into that special person in my life. Someone I could pour out 120% of my love into and never regret it. I didn’t want to hesitate when it came to loving her. Obviously I was wasting my time, but I didn’t realize it when I was fighting for the relationship. I just thought that everyone had flaws, and so if I could help her fix her flaws, she would become the perfect woman for me.

“It is very clear from your words (and from your inability to let her go) that you were trying to meet an unmet childhood need through her.” This is becoming foolish now. I wasn’t expecting compassion or pity from her. I just wanted her to understand HER FLAWS. Not understand MY ISSUES. I wanted her to FIX HERSELF. I wanted HER to IMPROVE, so that she would become the PERFECT WOMAN for me. That is completely unrelated to my unmet need because if that was the case, I would be trying to make her understand MY ISSUES and sympathize with ME. Instead I tried to CORRECT HER. I wanted to FIX HER.  I wanted to sympathize with HER and keep correcting her when she misunderstands things about me like assuming that I was cheating and etc, cause these misunderstandings were the core reasoning behind her foolish decisions.

“Because what they did is not love and care. It was cruelty. Even if they didn’t understand it.” YESSSS what they did is CRUELTY. But it STILL DOESN”T CHANGE the fact that THEIR INTENTION was to show LOVE AND CARING. They didn’t hurt me with the INTENTION of hurting me. They hurt me with the INTENTION of helping me. It is similar to how a child gets a beating or another form of punishment from their parent when they do something wrong. Technically, the physical beating harms the child and causes the child pain, but the parents did it to teach the child a lesson, to teach them to not repeat the mistake.

“I am also stressing it because you seem to believe that their parenting style didn’t affect the way you are today.” You clearly misunderstood, cause I am saying that their parenting style DID affect the way I am today. But it doesn’t change the fact that growing up with different parents would STILL result in the SAME “deficient” personality because the parenting method might differ but their intentions, priorities, aims etc would still be the SAME so they will still be driving that same hammer into my head.

“This again is freeing them from all responsibility and blaming yourself for having certain deficiencies. As if their lack of love and empathy didn’t leave any trace on you – as if it’s all you and your “badness.” That is why I keep telling you that you are misunderstanding me. I am not freeing them from the responsibility of making me the way I am. I am not freeing them from the blame of making me this way. I am NOT saying that their lack of love and empathy didn’t leave any trace on me. It is THEIR CRUELTY that drove me to this point. BUT IT STILL DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT THAT OTHER PARENTS SHARED THE SAME GOAL AS THEM. That is why EVEN IF I GREW UP IN A DIFFERENT HOUSE, I would STILL HAVE THE SAME HAMMER DRIVEN INTO MY HEAD. Cause their GOALS are the SAME. That is why most of us just want to get away from them. Obviously the amount of mental and emotional health deterioration would differ, but the outcome would still be the same.

“In your latest posts you seem to deny it, claiming that their parenting didn’t really affect you negatively.” No, their parenting style did harm me, but not because the parenting style was harmful, but because of the individuals using the parenting style. Another parent can use the same parenting style, even be cruel to a certain point, but if they had just realized the mental and emotional deterioration that was happening, they could have helped with the healing while maintaining the parenting style. They could still drive me into doing med and not pursuing music and etc, but if they had just given me the encouragement I needed, the understanding that I expected from them, helping me go through this process TOGETHER instead of all by myself, my mental and emotional health would have been so much better.

“You’ve shared a lot here, certainly enough that I could form a picture of what was going on.” Clearly not enough, because you still misunderstood.

“Even your own words – the way you phrased things – confirm my assumptions “ EXACTLY. Some experiences are TOO COMPLEX to be described through simple words, you have to actually experience them to understand. That is why you think I confirmed your assumptions based on “the way I phrased things”. I wanted B to understand HER MISTAKES and how to fix them, but for my parents, I wanted them to understand MY ISSUES and how to fix them. That is the part you still do not understand. I am not trying to preserve the goodness of my parents. I want you to feel what I felt but that is impossible.

I will restate a simplified version of everything so you understand better:

My parents are cruel, but their intentions were good. Due to their lack of understanding, I forgive them. But I will not waste my time trying to make them understand my issues.

I loved B because she was different from my parents. She understood me to a certain point, until she started the downward spiral after I told her about what my parents said about modern women. Because she had the misunderstanding as the core of her beliefs, every other argument we had all spiraled from that misunderstanding, for example the argument where she called my parents racists, and the argument over what my type was, and the argument regarding my conversation with my high school crush etc. I tried to make her understand so she could fix her misunderstanding and become a better woman, but that failed.

I am not fit to be a son-in-law because most fathers want a son that is mature and man enough to handle the responsibility of being the man of the house. And that is a huge responsibility, and requires leadership skills, which I definitely lack due to my lack of confidence due to my poor mental and emotional health. I need a certain level of wisdom to understand how to handle the responsibilities of being the man of the house. Being the man of the house also requires me to ignore my emotions when taking responsibilities. That is why even if I grew up under a different parent, when I am taught to take up these responsibilities, I would still be forced to bottle up my emotions. And if I am not able to carry out these basic responsibilities, there would be another emotionally deteriorating experience waiting for me when the parent becomes disappointed in me. I have been observing this in 39 families now, and it is the same thing in each of them, that is how I know that this thing is normal and the outcome will still be the same.

I am trying to make it as simple as I can so you can understand but I have a feeling that you would still not understand what I am trying to say. I wish I could explain this better.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“You mean they gave you food and shelter? Sent you to school? Sent you to college? In other words, provided for your physical needs?” Essentially yes, and more.

“There were other forms of horrible treatment: emotional abuse.” I literally just said that.

“This is to what I am reacting: you believing that the emotional abuse you suffered is minor compared to the abuse suffered by other children in your community.” No the example I used was to just give an idea of what is normal. Obviously I won’t know the emotional abuse that he is going through because only the guy himself would know of that. The event I described is just an example to give you an idea of what is normal. If he is receiving physical abuse, the odds are also high that he probably had to go through some emotional abuse as well.

“Their intention was that you should follow their will. That you should live your life according to their will. They believed they owed you, and have the right to force you to do what they believe is right. They never cared about your emotional well-being and happiness, it wasn’t an issue for them.” You are partially wrong. Their intention was for me to follow their will, live my life according to their wishes, but not because they owed me and not cause they didn’t care about my well being and happiness, but they thought that what is right to them, is also what is right to me, and so they forced me to do what THEY believe is right, but with the end goal of making sure I was living a successful life.

“So this is what I see as their intention: not that you be happy, but that you obey and do as they say.” No their intention was to make me happy in the way they believed was the only way to happiness. So they made me believe that I won’t be happy if I chose any other path. But I was aware but I still chose to obey them because if I did choose my own path and they ended up being right, they will hold it over my head for the rest of my life, and I did not want that.

“This might be the intention of every parent is your religious community: to impose their will on their children and dictate their lives, at all costs (even if it causes their children to have a mental breakdown).” Exactly, because they believe that even if the child has a mental breakdown, they believe that the child will eventually become successful and appreciate the abuse they are put through.

“But should we have understanding for those parents? Should we think they wanted the best for their children?” Their methods were wrong, but that doesn’t change what their intentions were. It is just like what the church girl did, she thought telling adults was the right course of action and she followed through, and her intention was to help me, but instead, it led me to suffer even more. In the same way, my parents and others in the community thought that the physical and emotional abuse we went through was making us stronger and that it would motivate us to become successful, so they believed the abuse was the right course of action because they do not even realize it is abuse and that our emotional health was deteriorating and unfortunately the results encouraged them to continue their abuse because we were all scoring very high in exams and getting into prestigious colleges and getting high salary jobs. Even I was one of the top students in the country at one point, and so are others from our community. Each year, there is at least one top student that is from our “emotional abuse” community. So when these kinds of results show up, it encourages the parents to believe that the emotional abuse they put their children through is good for them, resulting in them continuing with the “abuse”.

“They chose their ways as superior, even though they knew it was considered abuse” That is the issue. They do not categorize it as abuse. They categorize it as character building and encouragement to achieve “great things”.

” I wonder if they actually believe that a more loving upbringing, which takes into account children’s emotional needs, belongs to the “vices” of the modern society?” They believe their love lies in their duties as a parent, they focus on the physical aspects and do not care about the emotional love that most of us lack, especially since we bear the fruit they wanted despite their method being wrong.

“No, your parents’ methods cannot produce a good result.” Unfortunately their methods produced the “good” result they wanted, so they don’t care about the emotional and mental deterioration because at the end of the day, we were top students getting into colleges to become doctors and aeronautical engineers and chartered accountants and etc, which was enough motivation for them to continue their “emotional abuse” because they think that it is their “abuse” that drove us to our “success”. If that doesn’t show you how oblivious they are to the effects of their actions, Idk what will. Essentially their ultimate goal is to help us kids become successful and lead a “good” life but their method is just based on emotional cruelty, which they are unaware of.

“Or maybe they can – maybe they have empathy and understanding for their patients, but they don’t have love for themselves, and sooner or later they will burn out and get sick.” Yes that is precisely what would happen to me, but I will ensure not to let it get to me, but at the end of the day, I am still a doctor, even if it is the most emotionally and mentally broken doctor, and that is all my parents care about because they think having a successful career is the only aspect that they need to worry about. Because they cannot physically see or understand emotional and mental deterioration, they will continue with their “emotional abuse” because it bears the fruit that THEY WANTED, and they will never be aware of the suffering that we go through.

“What are your duties as their son?” Take care of them as they age, especially their physical needs, cause I don’t give a damn about their emotional needs. Let them have a taste of their own medicine.

“Oh really? Because you said you have tried to talked to your dad and he shut you down” Yea I tried to express myself first when he asked how my college life was, but when he started telling me to suck it up, I stopped and started laughing cause of how pointless it is to try to make him understand. So no, I was not hurt because I know how they behave and I expected it. I was simply annoyed at myself for even trying to open up despite knowing how they behave.

“And you have to endure an hour-long phone call with him every day. I don’t see how that is protecting yourself from his abuse?” All I have to say is “Yes” and “Ok” and “Good” and “I’m fine” and “Nothing special happened” and etc and then I can just go back to minding my own business. Been doing this for 2 years now and I barely have to go through any actual emotional abuse through the calls cause all I have to do is pretend to agree and then they leave me alone. It just gets annoying sometimes since I feel the urge to correct them when they say something wrong but other than that, I am completely fine. I am protecting myself by avoiding confrontation.

 “I am trying to explain to you that “hating forever” is not good for your mental and emotional health. It would be the same as your father’s motto: “suck it up and do your duty”. It would be exactly the same reaction to trauma like your father had to his. Disregarding his emotions and becoming this cold, cruel, “logical” guy, who is unable to empathize with people but is adamant on forcing his will (and opinion) on others.” That is the thing, I do not allow my hate towards my parents affect the way I treat anyone else. My hate is only for them and them alone. I will continue to be kind to others but I will never forget what my parents put me through. I will never be like my father. Yes I tried to make B understand, but that was not because my parents didn’t understand me. I tried to make B understand because I had hoped that she was the love of my life, the woman I would spend the rest of my life with and if I am going to do that, we are going to need to be able to understand each other. Besides I had pride when dealing with B, which I didn’t have for my parents, because they are a waste of my time. So, the way they treated me did not affect the way I treated others.

“I think you would be become a perpetual victim, getting stuck in a relationship with a bully (someone like B), who would abuse you, and you would keep finding excuses for her while believing her accusations that you are actually a bad guy.” It’s my first relationship, obviously I wouldn’t be aware of what toxicity is. You still see it as if I haven’t learnt my lesson. I put up with B’s abuse because I was taught to love one person and one person only, not because I got attached to my bully. It is that moral that makes me one of the most loyal and most trusted persons around here. And the fact that she is my first real love makes it even harder for me to detach because it is the first time my love has been reciprocated in real life and I had invested too much into the relationship for me to just throw away.

“Your inner critic (which is the internalized voice of your father) is dominating your inner life. Unfortunately, it’s the strongest voice in your head at the moment. It is actually your internal bully, who is terrorizing you.” It goes deeper than that actually. I have realized that even if I was raised by a different parent, the outcome would essentially be the same. For example, even if I started dating another (ideal) girl or got married or something, I would still not be the son-in-law that my wife/gf’s father would want, which is why I don’t feel good enough to ask out any girl now. And that is not based on my parents at all, it is based on my own observations and my application of psychology to various situations. So essentially there is a degree of truth to what my inner critic says. If I was as terrorized as you describe me to be, I would not have even tried to start working on my music, nor would I be rebellious to my parents by dating B, nor even consider the possibility of quitting med and etc. But I have started to work on myself.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“And since you’ve never met the guy (you saw him only on the photo she posted on social media, right?), it’s safe to say that you know almost nothing about him.” We have had indirect interactions where I talk to him through B, cause B often asks me about how to deal with the guy’s antics. His pettiness and childish behavior says a lot about him.

After the incident at the resort, she told me she realized how I felt with the way she treated me. Bunch of bs cause she kept doing the same childish behavior despite saying she learnt her lesson.

I don’t see how that makes her stories bogus though. Cause based on my indirect interactions with him, the guy seems like an ass to me. He didin’t exactly falsely accuse B. It was an altercation with his friends (females) and B but the guy chose to believe his female friends over B (B is the youngest while the other girls are basically adults and they work together on businesses) and the way B described the incident makes it appear as if B is in the right but I am starting to get suspicious about that now since I know how she likes to behave in certain situations. But I won’t be amazed if B is actually in the right because the type of behavior she described from the girls are quite common and to be expected of females here (This is not a stereotype). But I won’t jump to conclusions without enough evidence.

“Well, he definitely was involved in your story with B, because you confided in him, you talked about it a lot with him” Well you could say he was the silent partner, someone who doesn’t actively get himself involved, just a listener.

“So maybe he called her to “justify” himself?” Hell no. The sequence of events occurred in such a way that he could not have cared about justifying himself, cause even if the chat is exported, he doesn’t know whether I delete stuff or not. He doesn’t know how much information B would have access to. And there were no allegations that could have incited him into calling B to justify himself, cause most of the fights are between me and her, not him. He wouldn’t be aware of what he should be justifying.

“As for the incident when you were sleeping and she contacted him, asking if you were cheating, it seems to me he pretended to be indifferent, kind of saying “don’t know, maybe he is (cheating).” Yes that is exactly what he did, but to be dumb enough to say I COULD BE CHEATING, when he knows that there is no one else more strict on morals than me and he knows how it eats me up inside when I break my morals. So to say that I COULD BE CHEATING is bs cause he is 100% certain that I wouldn’t cheat. We have known each other for 4+ years, there is no way he would not know that. And B with her overthinking self took that one “could be” circumstance to accuse me of cheating. Should have made the break up permanent then but I couldn’t bear to see her crying, especially cause I put myself in her shoes and felt that it would be unfair if a girl did that to me, so I forgave her, but I am right back at square one.

“It seems to me like an excuse – as if he didn’t want to admit to you that he doesn’t like her and that he did this to piss her off.” Yes it sounded like an excuse too, but I still don’t think he disliked her cause he would have told me a long time ago, instead he kept saying that he thought we would last for years. I know he would tell me cause I told him about the girl that inspired me to make a song and he misunderstood what I was saying and assumed I had feelings for her and he instantly told me that he did not like her vibe and etc. I do admit she has caught my attention and I am not amazed that he misunderstood cause the name of the song I made is called “The Search for Love”. This is also the same misunderstanding that convinced B that I was cheating (even thought we had broken up) and my guy friend’s misunderstanding also fueled it since they had the call in which she tried to confirm it. But the point is that he would have told me if he disliked B. And he kept saying that he expected us to stay together even before his first intervention, so he cannot just be being diplomatic. Maybe he lied as to not hurt me, but it seems unlikely and the truth is cloudy right now.

“That’s typical of her: calling you a psychopath when she was doing exactly the same: messaging your guy friend to ask if you were cheating.” That is the thing, the guy friend is also her “friend” through me cause all three of us went to classes together and we have had enough interactions for her to consider him as her friend in a way, while her friends are people I barely know. So that makes it okay for her to message my guy friend but I cannot message her female friend.

“So it’s her typical hypocrisy: lying and then accusing you of lying, hiding an ex in her house and then accusing you that you might be doing the same, stealing a private conversation and harassing your friend and then accusing you of being a psychopath!” The problem is that I have lied more than her, but the difference is that I only have small lies that were not meant to jeopardize the relationship (like telling the truth to my guy friend while telling her that I didn’t tell him), while her lies are quite large and had a very large effect on the relationship. So now she thinks the scale is balanced/more in her favor cause I had more lies and cause my lies have been more recent than her lies (but keep in mind that we had broken up already before these lies came into effect).

“Perhaps only because you went home, and she has your laptop anyway, so no reason to torture you?” Or maybe cause I was not in the environment to be entertaining her arguments and false accusations. I can’t keep fighting anyway since I have exams again.

“But she, your teenage friend, did well: she did tell her parents that you attempted suicide because of your parents.” Yeah no, I will always remember what she did. She may have had good intentions but the results of her actions are permanent. Now the members of church still look at me like I am a 5 year old victim child without even the slightest idea of what my experience is. I do not want to be remembered as the suicidal kid. If you are a friend but you still need adults to deal with friendship issues for you, then you are no friend. A real friend would try to understand instead of simply throwing the issues for adults to deal with. The fact that she just told the church people without trying to understand the situation first, ESPECIALLY AFTER TELLING HER NOT TO, just shows that she was just doing what is right, not cause of kindness. There is a huge difference. Especially since she failed to understand that it was just a FEELING, and not something that I would act upon.

Let me give you an example. If a friend says that he/she is going to steal their parent’s car and go on the road and ram the car into a wall to kill themself, she is the type of person to call the cops and have her “friend” arrested for “stealing” a car instead of focusing on the suicidal aspect. Did she do the right thing? Yes. But now her so-called friend is in prison, hating her and wishing for death more than ever. A real friend would try to understand first. I know that her intentions were good. But the outcome of her intentions are unforgettable and has left me with a permanent mental scar. I am never forgetting that. Even in my guy friend’s case, he may have had good intentions and I forgive him for what he did, but I am going to think thrice before I open up to him again.

“She was just a teen, Paradoxy. As I said, it was too big of a secret to keep.” Tee please. We have been teenagers at one point. We have hid much bigger things than just depression from our parents. She should not even be telling her parents this. She wouldn’t even tell her parents about her own secrets that only us kids knew. So what gives her the right for her to share my secrets? I understand that she had good intentions, but that does not excuse her behavior, cause even if the church provided me with the “right type” of support, I would still be pretty pissed that she can’t hold a secret.

“You actually attempted suicide. It wasn’t just a random statement or a joke.” A MISTAKE WHICH I ADMITTED AND I TOLD HER I WAS NOT GOING TO DO IT AGAIN CAUSE I LEARNT MY LESSON. If someone who has been close to death tells you that they regret ever trying to get close to death, they definitely mean what they say. I just told her that I was depressed and just wished I didn’t exist, but I am not going to act on that desire cause I know how it feels. I just wished I didn’t exist anymore. Like the person Godwin never existed in the entire timeline. Like no one knows that there was once a kid by the name of Godwin EXISTING. I wanted to be erased from everyone’s memories. I wanted to be invisible so that people wouldn’t see me as a burden. If she actually cared, she would have understood that death was not my ultimate desire. My death won’t change what has already happened. I have pride too, I wouldn’t just kill myself like that cause I would lose whatever respect I had left from others.

“Well, if you had been repeatedly saying that you’d bomb the school, and if you showed some other suspicious behavior, then she would have had the right to warn someone” The point is that I DIDN’T repeatedly say that I was going to kill myself. I expressed that it was a feeling because I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. It was a 10 MINUTE CONVERSATION that happened ONE TIME. LITERALLY ONE TIME. I know her intentions, but if she cared, she would have found out more about the situation before jumping to stupid conclusions.

“Is this what he was telling you when your neighbors threatened to call the social services?” No, at that time they pointed out that if they got taken away by social services, I would essentially be an orphan, and my little sister would be an orphan too and we might have to go through even worse treatment, especially since my pain was essentially emotional and mental, not physical. My parents did everything right, except understanding emotional and mental health. There was no real physical abuse or any other form of horrible treatment. So far, my rebellious self had to find out the hard way that my parents were right about most things. But the things they are still wrong about is mental and emotional understanding etc. Everything related to emotions essentially because they cannot understand it.

“I am glad that you are becoming aware of who the main culprit is: your parents, and I guess your father being culprit No1. I am glad you are awakening to this.” Yes, I am the way I am cause of my parents. But this is the same case as where intentions do not match actions. My parents had good intentions, but their actions were wrong. So why is it that I should forgive the girl who betrayed me but I shouldn’t forgive my parents for what they did? I already know that my parents are just trying to be overprotective of me, but their methods are harsh and wrong. And this is NORMAL in our community. I am not the first kid to be going through this kind of experience in our community. In fact I might be one of the kids that were treated the best. One perfect example is the family that lived next to us. They had a daughter and a son, and their father was the type to use his belt to discipline them. One such incident was when the father used his belt on the son for listening to rap music which contained a lot of swear words. Compared to that kind of treatment, my pain would be considered nothing. You may call it physical abuse, but that same kid is now one of the best neurosurgeons in America, so good to the point that his hospital created an entire new department just to accommodate him and made him the leader, and now he is married to the girl who helped him invent a new kitchen safety equipment that is used worldwide. In fact this guy is the exact reason why I am stuck doing med right now. So don’t get it confused. My issue with my parents is that they don’t understand emotions nor mental health. That is why my parents are always fighting each other, because they are unable to understand each other’s emotional and mental states. But their intentions were good. They only wanted what was best for me. They just don’t know the right method to help me, so they just do what they feel is the right method, even if it is the wrong method. I forgive them, but I will forever hate them.

“And so, the task at this point would be to simply acknowledge that what they’re saying is not true. The large majority of those claims is simply not true.” I need proof that they are not speaking the truth. Cause my dad kept pointing out how my scores are so bad and how I am literally the lowest scoring person in my class, barely over the passing mark. I can’t deny that. So with evidence like that, obviously I would believe him. As for B, she accused me of cheating, but now I feel like maybe she is right. Maybe I slowly fell out of love with her ever since I found out about her sleeping with another guy. Maybe the reason why I got inspired by the girl to make the song is cause of some unconscious desire/infatuation for her. If that is the case, then wouldn’t it be considered cheating? But the only difference is that I started paying more attention to her a month AFTER B and I broke up, and I got inspired to make the song a month AFTER B and I broke up, so that is the only thing keeping me sane right now, but I still have the doubts.

“Many other people are not pushing you away, e.g. your high school crush, who wanted you to cook for her.” Lol she ignored my messages and blocked me. (I only messaged her cause we had made a bet to talk again when she entered second year of college) and the girl I asked for help with the music software also blocked me, and when I tried to reach out to my old friends (those who showed me empathy at one point), they also ignored me/blocked me. My own classmates ignore me when I asked them for help with med studying. Another classmate thinks I am useless and does no work, and the others doesn’t even want to interact with me cause I always score the lowest of them all, so now I am basically too dumb to be their friend. Even the girl who inspired me to make the stupid song ignores me. If that doesn’t convince you, Idk what will but the list goes longer.

“Even the people you think are against you (like your school friend who informed her parents) are actually NOT against you.” Her intention were good, so I will forgive her, but I don’t want her as my friend anymore. Friends should be people I am comfortable opening up to, not people I have to constantly worry about spilling my secrets. Same goes for my guy friend, his intention might be good, so I will forgive him, but the next time I am going through something, I will think thrice before telling him anything. But even he has become hostile to me now since I found out about him contacting B. Unfortunately actions speak louder than words.

My empathy for my abusers does not affect the way I feel or act towards them. I understand my parents and their intentions, but I will hate them forever, but that will not stop me from doing my duties as their son. I understand B’s (twisted form of) pain and suffering, but I will never take her back or ever consider giving her another chance but I will still give the same basic level of care as I would give any other patient of mine (as for my laptop and stuff, I just don’t have time to waste my energy on getting my stuff back so I will deal with that after exams). I understood the church girl’s intention, but I am never forgetting what she did, nor giving her another chance to show her trustworthiness, and I understand my guy friend’s intentions, but I will still think multiple times before I tell him anything ever again. If you still think that I am giving my compassion and understanding to the wrong people, that means u didn’t understand a thing about me. But I will still work on myself.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“What exactly did he tell her?” I am not sure exactly, but whatever he said to her, convinced her that I was cheating and lying to her the whole time. But when I asked him, he said that she misunderstood him and he didn’t lie. But he also says that he doesn’t exactly remember what he said specifically, just the general things. He says that he told her that I was not cheating, but she still accused me of cheating and lying so idk.

“Did you tell him that she prostituted herself?” Yes I told him, but B is telling me that it was not in my right for me to share what happened to her, but she doesn’t realize that the trauma may be her experience, but her decisions as a result of the trauma became the root causes of my pain and suffering, therefore making it my right to share the cause of my pain and suffering.

“He is not your enemy.” More like traitor. This is not the first time he fueled her fire with more misunderstandings so I am not amazed, cause last time she messaged him with her suspicion that I was cheating when in fact I was actually sleeping, and he agreed with her that I could be cheating, despite being fully aware that I am not the type of person to be cheating or anything. I just have the habit of oversharing. I am a fool. He betrayed me by doing exactly what I told him not to do. He could have at least respected my wishes. But I think I still forgive him tho. But I don’t see him the same way as before anymore.

“I remember that you had a similar reaction to your school friend, who informed her parents about your suicide attempt.” Don’t I have a right to my wishes? I already told her that I wouldn’t commit suicide. I was just extremely depressed and I just wanted to die, I never said I would actually do it. Shouldn’t she be respecting my wishes? Don’t you think it is wrong for someone to pretend to be your friend and let you feel comfortable enough to open up and then instead of respecting your wishes, they think it is in their purview to do what they think is right for you? It is people like that who make situations worse than it actually is, because they try to help and they don’t know how so they go about it the wrong way. In the end what happened? All she did was drive me further into depression, further into suicide. I understand that she cared but don’t try to help if you don’t know how to help cause all you will end up doing is making things worse. Suicidal people are delicate people. It is like they are on top of the building about to kill themself and you are the negotiator. If you say the wrong thing or action, you might end up causing them to jump off the building, could even be just a tiny slip of their feet that you caused that would end up taking their life. I was upset with her because all she did was make it harder for me to deal with my parents. I would have been much better if I had just kept things to myself and now I have to learn that lesson the hard way. I wanted a friend who would try to understand me and make me feel heard, but this is what I get instead. Sometimes all you want is someone who listens to you rant and not someone who instantly tries to fix the issues without understanding the situation properly.

Let me repeat this, IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP, THEN DON’T HELP. It is better than taking the risk of making things worse I swear.

“Has she accused you (or someone you know) of stealing a stapler, even though the person didn’t steal it, but asked her if they can borrow it?” No it was just an example. But I saw her rant about me to her friend and she painted me as the villain by omitting details and the friend kept supporting her, saying that I am not worth it and etc.

“Oh he got married when he needed someone to take care of him in his illness?” No he got married prior to his diagnosis I think but he essentially got married when he was ready to settle down with one woman, after he had enjoyed his youth to the peak with multiple other women.

“How is he consoling her? By giving her money?” No, he means emotional consoling. That I should be there for her to help her heal and it was not her fault and etc. Idk if she omitted details from him but the way she explained it to me, she clearly had the power to stop it from happening but she still allowed it. That man did not come back once or twice, but THREE TIMES. I would understand if it was a one time thing, but THREE TIMES? That is some bs, there is no way she can say she had no choice. But what is even worse is that she hid it from me. As a couple we should have been working together to heal from that trauma, but instead she hid it and dealt with it on her own and then shared the truth with me A YEAR LATER and now I have to deal with the the trauma of knowing what she had to go through AND her betrayal.

“I cannot help but thinking that he is one of those rich old guys, whom her aunt was trying to fix her up with.” Maybe, maybe not but they did not meet through the aunt, and they have known each other for years so if that was his intention he would have done something by now.

“Is there a proof in your phone that she has your laptop? I mean, do you mention it in your chats?” Yes I have proof, in the chat as well as the computer itself because my name is there as the administrator for the laptop. And I know I can use it, but I really don’t want cops to be involved in relationship crisis like this. It would raise unnecessary attention and I prefer to be invisible. But I did tell her that I would be forced to call the authorities on her, but she knows I wouldn’t cause I am not that kind of person. Besides, can I really blame her for not giving me the laptop cause she needs it for work and doesn’t have enough money yet to buy a new laptop?

“You can change that. You don’t need to remain a doormat and victim till the end.” Yea I will try to work on it.

“You mean you refused to reconcile with her?” Yes, and I told her where the line of my patience and understanding is, which she shouldn’t be crossing, but she keeps doing it. And while in the relationship, I had already established the line on things that I didn’t like to see her doing, such as wearing revealing outfits in public and posting bikini pictures etc. But I guess she is still able to manipulate me.

“To refrain from getting into an argument.” I have been trying to do that but my doubts caused me to be weak, I will work on getting it fixed.

“As for your interaction with Anita, I believe that you were actually not rude with her, even though in the beginning you did argue a lot, with both of us.” It was getting annoying that she kept using my past from 4 years ago to describe me now after I already stated that I had grown out of that phase. Besides I also mentioned details that she kept ignoring in her messages, (details such as the fact that my so-called verbal abuse were not random outbursts but a reaction to B’s behavior after arguing for several hours/days/weeks with no progress in understanding and improving the behavior) which further frustrated me cause I felt unheard. And then Anita said that the only reason why I have not started name calling my responders here is cause of some website regulations, which really offended me cause she is saying that it is in my nature to be verbally abusive. I know that my response to what she said was hurtful to her but I wish we could have come to an understanding.

“You are not always the problem. You are not always the one to blame.” Lol you sound like you are saying that I am the problem only 99% of the time but there is the remaining 1% where I am not the problem. But I understand what you are saying. I will work on changing my core beliefs, but it is difficult when the way others behave towards me strengthens my core beliefs. But thank you for your help.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“What kind of comfort does she want from you, and in what form?” She comes to me whenever her work is over to rant about how her day went and etc and she likes talking about her problems to me but it is just comfort through texting, nothing more.

“I am appalled by the fact that she secretly exported your private conversation with your guy friend, and is now dissecting it and accusing you of all kinds of things.” She did it because on that day, I had told my friend that I would be going to her place to collect my stuff, and he joked that I should let him know if I need backup in case she resists. She saw the notification and instantly started looking through the chat. I had shared with him the song that was inspired by the girl to ask him about his opinion on it and when she found out about that, she accused me of cheating on her and decided to secretly export the entire chat so she can go through all of it in her own time.

“You are offering to willingly bleed out for her – maybe not financially anymore, but emotionally yes.” Yes I realized that but my stupid self does not like being cold to people in general. I am always kind and that kindness is my weakness here. I am being kind cause I don’t want the guilt to be nagging at me later on. It is like a pain for me cause I could walk by a beggar on the street and if he begs me for money and I say no, I end up constantly thinking about what the beggar said and wondering why I said no and also wondering if I should go back and give him some money.

I am planning to cut my ties to her as soon as I get my stuff back, but she keeps bringing up excuses and asking for more time. She doesn’t have enough money to get a new laptop for her work so she can’t give me back my laptop and I will get in trouble if I don’t get the laptop back so I can’t just let her have it for free.

Paradoxy