fbpx
Menu

ParadoxMusic

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 105 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #434666
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “I am glad you are safe and sound! I also hope that your friends who remained on Jamaica are safe too.” Apparently my guess was correct, there wasn’t as much damage as we expected, especially since Jamaica has a lot of mountains so my campus was pretty much safe.

    “It was interesting for me to read that there is corruption and immorality in your own community as well” Well obviously no person is that perfect, they would have been involved in some kind of politics but the type seems to vary depending on the type of people.

    “Which tells me that not only Caribbean people are involved in immoral activities, but also those in your own community.” Oh come on, I am not that stupid. I am not saying that only Caribbean people are involved in immoral activities. But activities similar to cheating on their partner and other similar immoral activities appear to be higher among the Caribbean community. My community has its own set of corruption, usually religion-based or just plain politics of turning people against each other and stuff and financial cheating. One guy got murdered right in front of his kids cause he was a businessman who managed to steal a 20 million dollar diamond from another businessman.

    You have expressed that you are considerably wise, not stupid” Lol don’t misunderstand, I am aware that I have some wisdom, and I know that I can definitely make better decisions than B, but that doesn’t mean my so-called wisdom is enough. There are a lot of skills that I still lack. I am not stupid enough to use their love as a role model, but I was still stupid enough to not see through B. I am not dumb enough to BLINDLY believe B, but I was still dumb enough to trust her when I shouldn’t have before the whole mess started. Me learning from my mistakes doesn’t change the fact that I was still dumb enough to make those mistakes. I have made good decisions before but they were not good enough to save me from my suffering. My father gave me enough wisdom to guide B to make better decisions but it didn’t save me. I still fell for the things my dad warned me about. I will still be viewed as immature and stupid cause there are many skills and knowledge that I still lack. I have wisdom, intelligence, maturity and some skills, but I don’t enough of it to put to good use. I can make good decisions but they are not good enough. That is why I said that I still lack wisdom and etc.

    You have expressed that you are more mature than your peers” I know I am mature, I am just not mature enough. I may score 40% in my exam, and it may be the highest score among all my peers, but it is worth nothing because it not enough. I am more mature than my cousins, more mature than a lot of my peers, but that doesn’t mean it is enough because I still lack a lot of maturity. I have guests over at the house rn and they will be staying with us for a while. They have 2 kids really close to my age, and I know for certain that I am more mature than them, but that doesn’t mean I am mature enough. Especially not compared to an actual adult. That is why I say I still lack maturity. But it still doesn’t change the fact that these kids are better off than me. One got accepted into a prestigious college with full scholarship all the way in Australia and she is also going to be studying med. The other is still in high school scoring higher than I ever did. The other kids I know are in Toronto and New York and North Carolina and other places now and they have made so many achievements that my achievements look like nothing. Even the kid I used to teach is one of the top students in the entire country and his scores make my top scores look pathetic and he got accepted into a good college too. What did I get? I got stuck with Jamaica cause I didn’t get accepted into the other colleges or I could not get a scholarship that could handle their huge tuition. I chose Jamaica to reduce the financial burden on my parents. But even then they are paying 28k for just the tuition. I am not as good as I wanted to be. Now I have multiple exams I need to retake cause I missed the passing mark by a few percent. I may have good morals, but morals can’t substitute my lack of intelligence and skills etc.

    You said you were on of the top students in your country, which makes you rather intelligent” My scores were the highest at the time, but they were not good enough to get me accepted into the good colleges. The others managed to get into good colleges due to their interview skills and other test scores for the colleges. Not to mention, some of them had the government supporting them. Like my guy friend. He got a scholarship from the Bahamian government despite scoring lower than me but I didn’t get any scholarship. The kids from our community graduating now have scores that make my scores from back then look pathetic, that is just how big the gap is. My parents are not making it any better for me by showing me all the awards and etc those kids got while I had no awards when I was graduating.

    You said you possess respectable music skills” Yes I have good music skills, but they are nothing in the eyes of other musicians. I may look good in front of non-musicians, but compared to my classmates in the music class, my scores were no where close. My sight reading skills are so poor that the teacher had to take me aside from the rest of the class to provide me with private training for it. And that skill is still poor, I barely improved it for the sake of passing the music exam. Fortunately it did not have a large impact on the final score, which is why I managed to get a distinction. I ended up sitting in my class watching as the other kids played difficult pieces while I had been practicing the same song for the past 5 years cause there was no better piece for me. AND EVEN THEN, they managed to play the song better than me. Imagine how pissed I was. So when I see all this “evidence” you can’t blame me for hating myself for the things I lack.

    “It seems you take some pride in being so care-giving to those “idiots” who don’t deserve your help? It seems you feel better than them.” No it is the opposite of that. It makes me sick cause I know I will only be taken advantage of. I know that kindness, love and care is generally a good thing, but for me specifically, all it has done is cause me more misery. Besides too much caring can be bad too. Like I cared too much about the girl my dad wanted me to talk to. Cared too much that I forgot to give her space. That is why we ended up breaking our friendship. Because I am just too stupid to stop caring. I know that my kindness and caring nature is good, but caring too much is the part that I hate. Like there could be a homeless man and if he were to ask me for money or something and I can’t give it to him, it irritates me and stays on my mind and continues to bother me. My uncle with the cheating wife had the same weakness, which apparently is one of the reasons why she left him. Idk if his issue was that he cared about others too much, but whatever his reason may be, he always helped out people without expecting anything in return, whether it be financially or physically or etc. And the annoying part is that everyone takes advantage of him for that reason, by borrowing money and never returning it, and he is not a rich guy anyway. He was so kind that he even bought cake and gave a large amount of money to the guy his wife was cheating on him with, without an ounce of suspicion. He wasn’t even suspicious when his wife removed her wedding ring. His own wife took advantage of his nature. That is why I told you a while back that my uncle is known to be a very good man in the community, even other families were grieving for him when his wife left him and they all shunned the wife and kicked her out of the community entirely. It is one of the reasons why I hate making friends, cause either they reject me or make me beg for their friendship or just use me for their own gain.

    I know who I am. I know the good in me and the bad in me. I just hate the bad side of me cause I won’t survive in society if this keeps up. Whether it be my inability to communicate properly, my stuttering, my lack of knowledge, etc. The only good thing going for me is my good morals, but good morals won’t exactly save me in society cause you need to be at least a little street smart to survive.

    Paradoxy

     

    #434598
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “In this latest post you are claiming that your father is trying to give you real love (my father is trying to give real love), when everything you’ve described here, over more than 3 months, is suggesting that he was and is severely abusing you and controlling you.” Everything he has been doing is abusive and controlling, but I can see that he is still trying to do the right thing. He may be handling things wrong, but his goal is to help me, for my benefit. I still have to acknowledge that. Just like the girl he made me talk to. I can tell that she is trying to communicate how she is feeling but she keeps changing her mind cause she regrets opening up so she is bad at communicating, but I have to acknowledge that she still tried. It is like a serial killer who murders people, but his targets are child molestors and other criminals, so technically, killing people is wrong, but he is also getting rid of criminals and saving potential victims so should we approve what he is doing or call him out for doing the killing? It is like that hacker guy who wanted to take down the whole porn industry but he realized that porn also decreases the amount of rape so he targetted child pornography websites instead. Technically, hacking websites and destroying them is wrong, but I still consider him a legend because his ultimate goal is justifiable.

    “And you are repeating your parents’ toxic words, identifying with them, loathing yourself for not being able to please those “loving” parents.” I go over all the conversations with my “friends” and my parents and others multiple times and I feel like I could have handled situations better than I did, and it makes me feel like maybe I am the problem after all. These persons have all driven me to anger because they don’t understand that I care for them. The Hurricane is headed for Jamaica and my parents made the last minute decision to make me come back home as part of the evacuation group. I had to deal with a whole legal mess cause of it and I feel like I was better off if I stayed. But even now, I feel like I should have stayed behind, stayed to help out with the aftermath of the hurricane. I expressed that feeling to my mother and she didn’t understand a thing about how I felt. I know that none of my “friends” can be trusted and I know that they will never care for me, but that doesn’t change who I am. I would still care for their safety and their well being because that is my nature, that is just who I am. I get very irritated when they need help and I can’t do anything. But my mother doesn’t understand that. She started lecturing me about how I should be grateful that she managed to get me out of Jamaica before the Hurricane hit. THAT IS NOT THE POINT BRUH. I am grateful for them protecting me that doesn’t change how I feel. That doesn’t change the fact that I still wanted to protect those I cared for. I am not being ungrateful. It is just my nature to be caring.

    “You said your father is trying to give you real love. Has he given you any of the above” In his own way, he shows some of the attributes. He cares enough to ask about my issues, but once I tell him my issues he just treats it like I am just being an idiot. He has forgiven me for the times I failed him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he still views me like a fool. Cause he doesn’t get it. Just like how my mother doesn’t understand that I am not being ungrateful, I just naturally care for people, especially those close to me (even though I know they will only take advantage of my caring). It is one of the reasons why I chose med.

    “Your parents are united in totally controlling you? Is that what you’re saying?” Yes basically, but because their goal is for me to have a “good future” but the definition of a good future is based on them instead of me. They think they know best cause they are older, more experienced, and they view me as immature.

    “Meaning that even though you tried to portray B as better than she is, your parents stuck to their prejudice and gave their quick judgment that she is a whore. Nice. Which also means that no matter how good and hard working a person may be, if she is of the wrong skin color – forget about it, they’re not buying it. Which btw means that B was right when she called your parents racist.” Well it is not just based on skin color, because they will do the same prejudice against Indians as well if they were brought up in this certain life style. They had the same opinion with the song girl, who happens to be an Indian that grew up in Trinidad/Jamaica. They haven’t categorized her as a whore but they do accept the possibility that she COULD HAVE slept around and that I should stay away from her romantically cause her lifestyle would be different from the lifestyle my parents prefer. Besides, like I told u before, they are only familiar with the people around them, and they rarely find any Caribbean person who has not done immoral things. Most of the people they know have slept around or are involved in some kind of immoral drama, so they naturally develop a stereotype for them and attribute their behavior as part of that person’s culture.

    “Okay, so he is harsh and lacking empathy with everyone. And people understood he cannot be reasoned with, because he is so stubborn, so they stopped even trying. You think it’s because he is right about things, but it’s more likely that they don’t want to argue with someone who is so stubborn and refuses to understand a different point of view.” No wrong again. He lacks empathy for me, he doesn’t lack empathy for the others (the adults mainly). And he is just not stubborn for no reason. He is stubborn cause he is right. For example, there was a time when a guy’s son was killed in a car accident and the family was grieving. Sometime later, the community here was hosting a party and the community board decided to do a tribute to the man’s dead son and my dad pointed out how stupid and disrespectful it is cause the man and his family is in the middle of their grieving and they want to give a tribute to the dead son and use it as part of their hidden politics? Cause you have to understand that this community doesn’t even know the kid, what kind of tribute are they even going to do? The last time they did a tribute it was a whole mess cause of who pointless and stupidly done it was. The man and his family would still be suffering from their loss and they want to remind them again of the loss of their child in the middle of a party and ruin the mood? Another example is that another guy falsely accused my mother of revealing his secrets but my father was able to figure out the accusation was based on manipulation and false information cause my mother never did anything that she was accused of. My dad traced back to the root of the accusation and asked the people involved and proved to the guy that he was making assumptions based on misunderstandings caused by his own wife, and made him apologize for his false accusations. Another time, my dad used to be the treasurer of the community and he was responsible for handling the money affairs as well as another guy and both of them were accused of stealing community money but he was able to prove to them that the person who was actually taking the money from the treasury was a third guy, who just so happened to be the one who started the accusation in the first place. My father stepped down as the treasurer cause he doesn’t want to get involved in the community politics after that incident. Basically nobody challenges my father because he knows what is right and what is wrong and will not participate in any corrupt activities or get himself involved in the politics of manipulation like the other men. That is why he was chosen to be the treasurer and others trust him enough to leave their business and etc in his hands cause they know he can be trusted and won’t do anything illogical or wrong. There is a reason why people call on him whenever something goes wrong. If he was stubborn in the way u assumed him to be, no one would want to deal with him but instead everyone calls on him whenever they need help, especially for emergencies. They could have called on anyone else especially since the community is very large, but out of all the people they could have relied on, they chose my dad. If people viewed him as someone who is stubborn and refuses to see a different point of view, no one would ask for his help cause they wouldn’t want to deal with his stubborn self.

    I am the way I am cause of my father, both the good and the bad. My father is the one who taught me to be caring and loving, even though I never got it from him. If it weren’t for him, I would just be some immoral idiot like my “friends” but instead I am known for my honesty and care, and even taken advantage of cause of that nature. These idiots know that no matter how many times they hurt me, it won’t change the fact that I still care. That is my stupid weakness. B knows that no matter how much she hurts me, I would still worry about her safety and etc. Not cause I have feelings for her, but because I care for her as an individual. That is why she was insulting me all day yesterday while I was dealing with the whole hurricane mess but she knows that her insults won’t stop me from checking up on her safety. My guy friend knows that I would still come to his aid whenever he needs me whether he is sick or needs money or food etc. That is why my so-called “friend group” relies on me as the guy who comes with the clutch. I am the one who got them food and drinks on the nights that they didn’t have food and they still owe me money bruh and they have promised to return it. I know they are probably taking advantage of me but that doesn’t change my nature to still care for them. I keep a record of what they owe me but I help them without expecting anything in return. I definitely know that they won’t help me if I were to be starving but that won’t change who I am.

    “The first person who needs to do that – accept you for your flaws and awkwardness – is yourself. So that entire paragraph of self-loathing that I quoted above (starting with “I am just an embarrassment to my parents“) would need to go. If you want to find true love.” I have accepted my flaws, but society won’t. Cause society still requires a certain level of maturity, which I still lack. That is why I hate my flaws because these flaws prevent me from being seen as a reliable guy by those who don’t know me. That is why I always get picked last for group projects and stuff. That is why those who don’t know me view me as useless. And I hate that.

    My parents made me join an evacuation group to return to their country but there were some legal issues regarding it cause I am not technically part of their country cause the stupid government is still processing my application for several years now. If I could have chosen my own decisions, I would have stayed behind to help out with the aftermath of the hurricane and to be there for those who need me, but unfortunately that is no longer in my control cause of my parents. Yes I am glad they got me out of danger but that won’t stop me from being worried for those still in Jamaica. Besides I have to deal with my parents’ control anyway and it is harder to endure them when I am in their house than when I am in my dorm room.

    Paradoxy

     

    #434485
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “What you are describing is not love, but constant arguing, hostility and lack of respect for each other (as well as lack of tenderness and kindness towards each other).” Idk what else to call it because the foundation is still based on love, cause they still genuinely care for each other and their children but there is still the underlying anger between them. It is very complicated for me to explain. They love me, but not in the way that I wanted to be loved but I am still grateful for what they have given.

    “They don’t love each other “spiritually”. That’s not love. As I said, that’s fulfilling the social norm and looking good on the outside. But generating hell on the inside.” It is hard for me to explain exactly what they do. At any rate, I know for certain that at least my father is trying to give real love even if he can’t, while my mother is leaning more into trying to fulfill the social norm and look good on the outside, but they both still care.

    “I guess your father have taught you that what they have is a “spiritual bond”.” No, I just don’t know the right word to describe the love between them, cause they do love each other, just not in the right way, they way we should be loving ig. Besides this is all from my perspective, I can’t read their minds and tell exactly how they feel towards each other. I can only tell u what I see them do.

    “They have a bond of responsibilities, but it seems they felt very burdened by that responsibility (of raising children) because they believe you should thank them for giving you the bare minimum: for not leaving you to starve.” Burdened by the responsibility of raising children? That seems very unlikely cause my father is willing to sacrifice his life for his children and so will my mother. They don’t actively say that I should thank them for giving me the bare minimum, they just imply that I should be grateful for what I have cause others have it worse. Besides, keep in mind that I stopped sharing my feelings and issues with them for a long time now, so they barely know my suffering so they can’t see where they are going wrong.

    “It seems that the burden of having children feels very heavy for them – they don’t do it gladly, maybe they even resent it. And maybe that’s why they made you feel like a burden –  because any other need beyond physical need was too much for them to handle.” No that is definitely not right. I know my parents well enough to know that having children is not the burden to them, and ever since I felt like a burden to them, I started doing everything on my own, never sharing anything with them and barely asking them for help. It is just that I as a person is like a burden to them. Considering how all the other kids got scholarships and never embarrassed them or anything…. All the other kids went to prestigious universities in the US and Canada etc while I got stuck in Jamaica. I am just an embarrassment to my parents cause of all my stupidity and awkwardness and inability to talk to people and etc. Maybe it is just me. My lack of maturity, my inability to be of use to my parents, can’t even help them with their chores/work, my lack of intelligence, my lack of skill in anything, or the fact that I am a complete idiot. While the other kids became mature and responsible adults, I just became an immature idiot. I may be the best among my cousins, but I am still immature in the eyes of my parents since I will never be good enough compared to other children my age. They love me as their child, but not as who I am.

    “You cannot find true love if you believe that what they have is love.” I said I am not pursuing their type of love. They may not taught me what true love is, but the fact that I never got it has taught me the value of real love. The love I understood is that love is patience, love is respect, love is understanding, love does not envy, love forgives. I poured that into B, but those things were just taken advantage of.

    “And you also fought for hours/days/weeks on end, similarly to your parents. So this kind of toxicity in the relationship (constant arguing) was normal for you – because that’s what you were familiarized to.” I have noticed the similarity between my fights and the fights between my parents, but that is not because it was what I was familiarized with. The fighting between my parents may be normal for me, but I am not stupid enough to use their love as a role model. I already told u what real love meant to me few months ago, I didn’t want the relationship to end up like my parents. I just expected B to be more understanding but I never got that. I never got the justice I deserved from her so I kept fighting for it without realizing it was pointless.

    “So again, trying to find a loving wife while not healing your emotional wounds and false concepts of love will be impossible.” I am not actually searching for a wife, I am just saying that I would prefer if I could find one before my parents set me up for arranged marriage. My best bet is to stay single for life cause I am really really close to giving up on ever being accepted and loved for who I am.

    “Your father exercises total dominance over you. He calls you daily and preaches to you for a full hour, he is telling you whom to talk to and be friends with, he knows your schedule to the slightest detail and controls your movement. He is not just giving you his opinion, which you should consider. He is telling you what to do. His approach is not parental advice, it’s total control.” Both my parents do it. If there is anything they work together on, they definitely worked together for this one.

    “You are lying to yourself (gaslighting yourself) that what he is doing is giving you advice. He is not. He doesn’t give you any freedom to decide differently. He demands obedience.” It doesn’t change the fact that his advice saved me many times and my obedience has kept me from going in the wrong direction like the guys here with me. His advice is correct in general terms but I have grown to understand that his advice cannot be applied to everything but it can still be considered.

    “They didn’t impart on you true wisdom, because they’ve conditioned you to take abuse and find excuses for it.” I was taught to be understanding. It may seem like excuses to others, but I always imagine what I would do if I was in their shoes, which is why I ended up putting up with certain types of behavior because my understanding was taken advantage of.

    “Well, he clearly didn’t do much self-observation, otherwise he might have noticed how tyrannical he is…..You mean reading people to humiliate them?” I didn’t say he wasn’t a hypocrite lol. He taught me to be more understanding to others, but he didn’t take his own advice lol.

    “But as I said, you so far were not allowed to not listen to their opinion, i.e. to disobey.” I mean, can my 19 year old intelligence really go against the intelligence, wisdom and experience of a 50 year old man and a 45 year old woman? I may not have told them about B, but they were very suspicious about it since I was very close to her, that is what made them keep warning me about not trusting her romantically, that she can be a good friend but not a good gf/wife.

    “What I am trying to say is that you can’t use their counsel and “consider their opinion” – you either do what they tell you, or you don’t share with them at all. Those are your only two options.” What do u expect me to do exactly? It is not like I can get away from them. All I can do is endure.

    “Have you ever introduced her to them? Because they judge women based on skin color, or a place they were born. So if according to them, most women, specially Caribbean, are gold-diggers, then sure, they were right. But not because they’ve met the girl or know anything about her, but because she happens to fit their prejudice.” Yes I introduced her to them as a friend. Remember, I even managed to take her on a movie date for my bday (the time she was sleeping with the other guy). My parents met her and her aunt on that day and I have told my parents about her to a certain extent. Though the primary reason why they said she can’t be trusted was due to her Caribbean nature, the fact that she grew up with a single parent, a broken family and other things about her also added to their stereotypical belief. I tried to make her look like some hard working woman by telling them about how she has a job and how she studyies well and etc but they only took it as a sign that she doesn’t have a good family to support her and that she probably slept with a bunch of men and etc. And they proceeded to tell me stories about their coworkers and other men and how women treated them and I was obviously concerned and shared those things with B and I told her specifically, that the last thing I want is for my parents to end up being right, and I had warned her that I would leave her if she made me look like a fool in front of my parents when I am fighting against them for her. But life just had to be the way it was.

    “Narcissists can be very capable workers, as well as respected members of community. And they are excellent in showing one face to the outside world and another behind closed doors. So if he acts kind and helpful with people in the community, while cruel and relentless with you, that’s how you know he is a narcissist.” No he treats everyone the same way, harsh and straight forward, but it is just that he ends up being right so often that people stop questioning him cause they know he is going to be right with his course of action cause logically, it made sense.

    ” I understand it, because standing against your parents probably seem like a fight between David and Goliath.” Yeah, there is no better way to describe this cause if I run from my parents, I am going to be shunned by my own parents, my relatives back home AND the community that I grew up in. They will side with my parents. Not me.

    “But if you want to achieve your proclaimed goal of finding true love: “I am trying my best to find a wife before they decide to marry me off to some stranger… I want a real bond“, you’d need to let go of your parents’ false notions of love and recognize that their treatment of you wasn’t really love. You’d need to learn what true love is.” Like I said, I am not using their love as a role model. I already know that their love is not the type of love I want and so I have already recognized that I should not idolize their love. I know what real love should be like. My father is also the one who told me that I should love the woman that accepted me for who I was (ironic coming from him) but that is also the primary reason why I fell in love with B, cause she saw my flaws and loved me for it, or so I thought until I realized I was being fooled. I am not sure if I can trust that feeling again. But it is still what I want, someone who accepts me for my flaws, my awkwardness and appreciates the love and care I have to offer instead of taking advantage of it. But the experience with B is going to be the main reason why I am going to be paranoid the next time someone offers me exactly what I am searching for…

    Paradoxy

     

    #434453
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “According to them, you should be grateful they didn’t leave you to starve, after choosing to have you. How kind and loving of them indeed.” Yea lol they told me that years ago when I told the neighbor about how I was treated and they suggested that I call social security.

    “I remember you talking about their “love”. Unfortunately, that wasn’t love, but they’ve brainwashed you to believe it was.” Keep in mind that this is just how I feel treated, not that they actually said it to brainwash me. This love is similar to the love my parents have for each other. They constantly fight and never have any intimate moments or anything, but they know their roles as husband and wife and parent and so they choose to work things out for the sake of the greater good. My father and I are same on the fact that we never forget the times when we were hurt, especially by those close to us, and that is exactly what he feels toward my mother cause she has humiliated him multiple times and my mother doesn’t like apologizing so she never will. But technically speaking they still spiritually love each other. But this kind of life is not what I aspire for which is why I am trying my best to find a wife before they decide to marry me off to some stranger who is also doing what their parents told them to. I want a real bond, not a spiritual bond or a bond of responsibilities or a bond for the greater good.

    “Yes, I understand. I didn’t even mean that they would expect you to pay them back financially, but by being obedient to them and doing whatever they require you to do.” Yeah that is more accurate. In my father’s words, he said that I should at least consider their opinion when deciding things cause it is the least I can do as a form of respect to them as my parent. In one way, thinking about their opinion does help me make some good choices but it is still a mental prison. They were right about B after all… I don’t want to make another mistake again.

    “They’ve intimidated you into obedience by telling you that they want what’s best for you. While severely emotionally abusing  you and clipping your wings in the process.” The closest scenario to depict my situation is that of a balloon filled with helium, always held down by someone and when college came, the length of the balloon thread was extended, but still held down by someone. If that person had chosen to let the balloon fly, the balloon would have soared too high and popped due to the atmospheric pressure and heat. So in a way, having someone to hold me down keeps me from going too far into the wrong side, but it still is a mental prison.

    “Well, you can start distancing yourself from their opinion if you realize they were/are toxic people who didn’t know how to raise a healthy child. That they don’t know what true love is. And that they don’t know what’s best for you.” They may be toxic but that doesn’t make them stupid or unwise. Poor parenting doesn’t mean they don’t have wisdom. They were still able to shape me into someone good morality-wise even with the suffering. I am still grateful for that. And my father has taught me about certain politics that people incorporate but it doesn’t really apply to my generation but it is still good to know. He also taught me self-observation and psychological analysis to read into the person better. I’m not as good as him in reading people but I am still grateful for the wisdom cause I can still apply it to my life. Besides, they were right about B, so don’t u think I should still consider their opinion cause they could be right again? I forgive them for being poor parents, after all I am their first child (the second one received too much love and became a spoilt brat lol cause they got whatever they wanted lol, just goes to show the difference between too much love and too less love).

    “I guess you can only turn to them if there is a financial/logistical/health problem. Any other problem is for them a non-issue. Emotional problem – God forbid. Your father tells you you are stupid for “whining” about some “non-issues”.” Well maybe he has changed from the way he was before but I am not willing to test the waters again.

    “Your parents are and have been abusive. It doesn’t matter if they don’t understand how they are abusing you. What matters is that it is affecting you and has shaped your personality and your self-image as well. You have a very negative self-image, due to being raised by the people who are insensitive and lacking empathy.” Like I said, it is not like they received training to be a good parent. I am the first child in the entire family, oldest among all my cousins. Though they cherished me as a baby because I was the first, they don’t know how to cherish a teenager and their issues. Besides, my sister is a prime example of me being grateful for how I was treated, cause I definitely do not want to be a spoiled brat like she is. She gets whatever she wants, doesn’t matter if she failed her exams or anything, refuses to study and she even physically fights with my parents and is completely disobedient. Yeah, I am definitely glad I turned out this way even if it meant suffering more cause I would hate to have become like her. I may be depressed, I may be in pain and I may be suffering a lot, but I cannot deny the fact that all of this treatment shaped me to be a better man than most of my peers morality-wise. My peers may be happier than me and enjoying life and etc, but I am definitely glad I am not doing their foolishness, like smoking weed, drinking alcohol and sleeping with a bunch of woman and etc. In a way, the emotional suffering they put me through has forced me to be the most mature for my age among all my cousins so I am definitely grateful for that as well. The suffering also taught me to care for others more deeply, even though all of them just take advantage of my love and care anyway. The girl that my father made me talk to has completely rejected my friendship, now I have to worry about what I’m going to tell my father. Sigh.

    Sometimes I find myself crying silently as I watch others receive the love I wish I received. The song girl’s dad post pictures of his family and they are always so happy or at least appear to be happy. May be that is why I became infatuated with her? Or maybe it is just one of the reasons. Idk anymore. I have come to accept that no one will love me for who I am; to love me for my awkwardness and my cringe and my flaws etc. It will just be taken advantage of or looked at in disgust.

    “They’ve intimidated you and manipulated you to into believing that their wishes are your own wishes. That they know what’s best for you, and you don’t.” Technically speaking, they were right about B, so…. they did know what was best for me….

    “So my suggestion, or my assumption, is that your father might be narcissistic.” Not sure if I can call him a narcissist but he definitely fits some of the characteristics, especially his stubbornness and refusal to admit when he is wrong and some of the other characteristics u listed. He doesn’t expect perfection but he still has a level of standard that he believes that we should achieve. But does the negatives outweigh the positives of such behavior? He is still one of the respected men at his work and among our communities because they know they can rely on him to get a job done and that he is loyal and won’t do illogical things and etc. He is just poor when handling things that require emotional understanding.

    “I understand you are tired – that your soul is tired – after having been raised like that. But things can change, although it won’t be easy. But still, there is a way out…” Whenever I feel broken I tell myself that everything will be okay even though I know I don’t actually believe it. I don’t have any motivation or anything to look towards to. I just feel stranded in an empty void in space, unable to move around. Even my music sounds pathetic to me. I look at the songs up-and-coming artists have published and compare them with the songs I published and wonder what was the point of it all…. maybe my father was right about music too….

    Paradoxy

     

    #434297
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “A worker makes a contract with the company. Have you made a contract with your parents when you were a baby? Have you asked to be born, in exchange for them raising you? Where is that contract, and have you signed it willingly?” Yeah, an emotional contract based on the fact that they took care of my physical needs since I was a kid. How do you counter something like that? As a parent, they may have been obligated to take care of me, but they could have put me in an orphanage or something but they didn’t. I could have suffered physically but they ensured that I didn’t.

    “Good, loving parents have children not because they expect the child to return their investment and bring them profit down the line, but because they love the child as a unique and precious human being, whom they help raise to be a happy and healthy individual, with their own goals, dreams and aspirations. Good, loving parents don’t raise workers or slaves who will obey their commands, but free people, who can freely decide on their own destiny.” I know, I am not saying my parents are expecting me to pay them back or anything. I am saying that I will never really achieve true freedom cause the fact that they are my parents will overrule every desire that I have. The fact that they took care of me will overrule my opinions because their opinion would have more weight to them because they have the authority of a parent. Even if I become rich, they will still have some degree of control over me cause they have conditioned me to be obedient. Normally we would say that we shouldn’t care about other people’s opinion, but how can u ignore your own parents? I find that very difficult to do because at the end of the day, I only have them to turn to in the time of need any way. I have no real friends or anything. If there is anyone I can turn to for help, it would be God and my parents. I was willing to go out of my way for others, but nobody did that for me (except my parents on my physical needs). My parents are not intentionally chaining me. They just conditioned me into being an obedient dog without them even realizing it. They inadvertently created that mental prison in me and now I can’t do anything without fearing them, even though I am thousands of miles away from them. In one way it is good because at least u know I won’t do anything stupid or get involved in any wrong activities. But in another way the chains suppressed most of my desires and now I am just a shell, a dog that just does what it is told. One time when my father was angry at me for playing video games, I asked him if he would rather expect me to work like a robot with no desires. And he said that is exactly what he wanted. Maybe he said it out of anger in the moment. But things like that have etched itself into my heart.

    “The child (and later adolescent) is not seen as an individual, with the freedom to have their own goals and dreams, but as someone to fulfill the wishes of their parents.” I was allowed to have my own goals and dreams, but the difference is that those goals and dreams were shaped by my parents’ wishes. So technically I am still fulfilling my goals and dreams, but they are based on the desires that my parents had for me.

    I want to read your suggestions still. My soul is just tired of everything.

    Paradoxy

     

    #434247
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “You rejected when I said that you should take into account your own trauma, not just B’s trauma.” No I didn’t reject that, I have already done that but you have to also recognize that most people are selfish and she is still going to try to undermine me. I am just not sure if I can compare my trauma with hers because even though she put herself in the situation, knowing  the helplessness she might have felt and the feeling of being violated by a stranger tortures me every day. I have nightmares occasionally of her being violated by another man. So imagine how she may have felt when she had to actually go through that experience. That is why I said the primary trauma is still hers. Nobody has genuinely cared for me and I just find it difficult to value my own feelings and emotions, but I still recognize them, which is why I am working on healing. But this new girl that I talk to is so selfish and blind that I find myself going out of my way to deal with her as well like a pig that never learns. I am going out of my way to try to understand how she is feeling while she is ignoring my feelings.

    “Yes, that’s what she expected you to do. But frankly, I don’t care what she – who is a narcissist and doesn’t care about anyone else – expected you to do. I am asking what you needed at that moment. What was your need when faced with that trauma.” Everyone expects me to suck it up. And quite frankly I regret opening up to people anyway since history has shown how they respond when I open up. It just makes more sense to just suffer in silence and not tell anyone if this is the consequence I have to endure.

    “But if you want to heal, you’ll need to start thinking about your own needs too. You’ll need to start developing empathy for yourself, not just for others.” Yes I know that, but as a human, u need some kind of companion. At least one real friend. I don’t have that. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have NOTHING. All I do is sit in my room and study and do music and talk to myself in order to work on my “healing”.

    “However, you say that you still feel obliged to help her.” I don’t feel obliged to her. But imagine knowing that ur carelessness lead to someone being harmed. It doesn’t have to be B specifically. But obviously I will feel very sick if I found out someone got hurt cause of me. And that is related to how I was treated by everyone else, always seeing me as the problem, treating me like a burden and everything.

    “She is using you (or rather, exploiting you) to meet her needs. And we are not talking about survival needs, but wanton needs, such as buying her expensive gifts. Or paying for her trading class – which is her investing in her own education. Why should you be responsible for that?” She may be dumb enough to ask for those things but I am not dumb enough to bow to her like that. I am not going to be responsible for that, but if she were to put herself in danger, I don’t want to deal with the guilt of knowing I didn’t do anything to save her ass, especially since I know I could have stopped what happened to her in January if she had told me in the moment. The pain of the helplessness I felt back then still lingers within me.

    “If you can reframe that what you are doing for her is not helping her, but fulfilling her whims – perhaps it would help you to say No to some of those whims?” I do say No to her whims, but she doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of No. She is still going to do it and I can either choose to stay at home and stress over her safety or I can go with her and hopefully get some money.

    “The real deal would be to realize that you are not your father’s property and that you have the right to some autonomy.” Can u explain how I can go against the idea that my parents paid for everything and took care of my physical needs and etc? Cause until I get a real job with decent money, I will still have to follow my parents’ rules. Like the worker at a company. The worker may not be the company’s property, but they still have to follow company rules unless they choose to change company. So until I can change my financial source, I have to follow my parents’ rules. But even then, nothing can substitute the number of years during which they took care of me, so I still feel some form of obligation to them.

     “To make whom happy? Your father? Or those girls, whom he tells you to talk to? But who think of you as a clown?” I want to make everyone including me happy, but that doesn’t work due to the conflict of interest. So I end up sacrificing my own happiness to preserve others. I go out of my way to try to understand the struggles that other people are going through. But then I get thrown away in the end. Someone has to sacrifice something anyway. Could be a parent sacrificing their dreams for their child, could be a lover sacrificing certain goals to be with their partner. Nobody thinks of me as a clown, but they still treat me like one. Never considering my feelings, how I feel or anything. I go out of my way to empathize with others and then they throw me away like some toy when they feel better. And I label myself as the clown for being dumb enough to fall for it every time because I end up caring for people too much. The girl finally told me that she didn’t want my friendship. I tried so hard. Why do they keep rejecting my friendship? I tried so hard to be a good friend, to be understanding. Now I am too afraid to put effort into making new friends because I know that they might reject me like the others did.

    Paradoxy

    #434189
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “You’ve just rejected everything I suggested, even laughed some things off” I rejected them cause they are things that I have already considered and I have already tried so they are basically impractical at this point.

    “You came her looking for help, but refuse all help. I guess it’s not because you think I am dumb and my advice is bs, but you believe you cannot be helped?” ??????
    Did u not understand? I appreciate ur suggestions but they won’t work. Wth am I supposed to do when these persons have no respect for boundaries and all that stuff u suggested? We are talking about people who WON’T listen nor try to understand. It is like trying to stop a pig from jumping into mud. The best advice of urs I could take is to mentally block them.

    “But you seem to believe you have to and have no other choice.” It is like my intentions are to make them happy, but they only laugh when they are entertained by a clown.

    Paradoxy

    #434151
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “Yes, I think it can, unless you are a professional musician…” I have studied music for 10 years and have taken the exams up to 6 levels out of 8 with scores in distinction, and my guy friend definitely knows my level of skill regarding music.

    I am focusing on mentally blocking her but this peace feels temporary. I feel like she is going to come back and start another fight.

    “Some people cannot lie, specially if under psychological pressure.” Hell no, not this dude. This is not the first time he has lied and it is not that hard for him cause he is used to it.

    “And what about your trauma?” The primary trauma is still hers since she is the one who got taken advantage of. So people would only see that, they won’t see my pain and suffering.

    “What were you supposed to do? Suffer in silence?” Yes, that is what she expected me to do.

    “What symptoms would that be, if I may ask?” Symptoms include not wanting to socialize, yet they still want to be with others. Tends to be withdrawn and isolated most of the time. Tends to be Intrusive and they also have clumsy socialization skills. Feelings are expressed through art and music rather than speech. Lack of bonding with parents, difficulty making and maintaining friends. Prefer to stick to a certain routine/pattern every day. Prefers a life of predictability and always finds themselves trying to predict the future in order to prepare themselves for possible outcomes mentally. Children of engineers and medics tend to have a high chance of being asper (Coincidence cause my dad is an engineer and mom is a nurse). Aspers start studying and observing people and their behavior at a young age as a means of coping to the inability to socialize and respond to emotions. Associated features include high anxiety and unusual profile of learning abilities regarding reading, mathematics, drawing and singing (My piano skills can substitute singing and I recently drew a portrait of the music girl and it actually came out better than I expected since it was my first time doing art).  Diagnosis of adults can be identified through underachieving in employment and relationships and depression caused by rejection from peers, belief that they are a defect (belief that developed as a result of having no friends to contradict it), and another feature is that their self-esteem is based on the criticism of peers, especially with the absence of compliments. Most of it describes me one way or the other, but I don’t want to self-diagnose myself and get the wrong answer.

    “Okay, so you’re writing down what bothers you about certain people? And sometimes you express it (after curating it and making it more polite/non-confrontational, I guess?), and sometimes you don’t express it?” Yes that is what I do now.

    ” A good way to look at anger is that it is a signal. It shows us that our boundaries are being violated, that we are being violated. It shows us that we need to change something in our relationship with the person – so not to be violated any more.” Lol do u think B or my parents care about boundaries??? LOL

    “So you transform your anger into an action to protect yourself, i.e. into setting boundaries.” Pretty sure she will find a way to make a fool out of me. I just have to be prepared.

    “If he is forcing you to talk to this girl, you can say that right now you need to focus on your studies and you don’t have time for this girl, specially since she is moody and doesn’t know what she wants and you don’t have time or patience for that.” My father will find some way to intervene, maybe even talking to the girl himself and unintentionally make me look like an idiot in front of the girl.

    “So you can use his macho style of “I am a busy man, I don’t have time for stupid emotions” to trick him to let you off the hook.” Lol like that will work against him. He would just say that it is important to have friends  and I should learn to balance my studies and etc and that I should still try to maintain friendship with her.

    ” You can tell a white lie about your changed schedule or something, which allows you to talk to him only 3 times a week, and for a shorter period of time.” They know my schedule too well. That won’t work. Besides they know people here and they could find out if I am lying or not.

    “You can say that now, at the 3rd year of college, there is so much practical work and you are spending a lot of time at the clinic, or any kind of white lie that will avert him from insisting on those daily calls.” I am going into 2nd year now, and they know that classes usually end by 5-6 pm. So they will demand that I talk when I get home.

    “When you consider that a proven and repeated liar is telling the truth this time, that’s when you end up being a fool who forgives her again and again. While she gets a free pass to keep hurting you again and again.” Yes, but you know the story of the boy who cried wolf. Obviously, he lied and he deserved what he got, but in the end u have to acknowledge that he lost his life and his parents had to endure the loss too. If the parents had listened to him even though they knew he could be lying, maybe he wouldn’t have lost his life. In the same way, B may be narcissistic and a liar and etc, but if I ignore her when she actually needs my help and something happens, I have to live with that in my conscience.

    “Is he considering her as your potential future wife? Is that why he is insisting on this friendship? And if so, what are your thoughts on that? On marrying her?” Yeah he is definitely cooking up some foolishness. He might be just trying to get me to make a friend and allow the friendship to grow into marriage material naturally. But I honestly don’t think this will work like that. She doesn’t even want to talk to me. In fact, she texts me cause “it’s the right thing to do” and not cause she wants to. Wth? I don’t want her pity or forced friendship. I genuinely cared about her issues, but she is pretending to care about mine? In fact she never even asks about my issues anyway. She just sent a random text once in a while and then go blank for the rest of the day. She is mother/wife material, but she is definitely not friend material if you know what I mean. She knows how to take care of her responsibilities as a mother and a wife, but doesn’t know what it means to be a friend, or at least she is not even trying to be a friend with me. I don’t want someone who is only marrying me cause her parents told her to. I don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want to open up to me nor care about how I feel. I want to have a good friendship with my wife, to be able to tell her anything, to share in burdens together. She definitely doesn’t seem that type as of rn. But things could change over the years, after all, we are still technically teenagers. She could become a mature woman in the next 5 years. But I would really prefer not having to wear clown makeup.

    Paradoxy

    #434127
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “Because men usually make serenades to the women they have feelings for?” Didn’t realize it could be that easily misunderstood.

    “Although be honest with yourself – you later started developing “infatuation” for her…. so a romantic interest has crept in, eventually” Yes but at the same time I feel like it is just my own overthinking that developed from the misunderstanding, cause the romantic interest crept in months later, and I barely know this girl. Even I only became self aware months after the guy made his assumption.

    “Nevertheless, a bigger problem that I am noticing is you making such a huge deal of him telling this big “untruth” to B, when I am sure that even if he said you were not romantically interested in that girl, B would NOT have believed him.” B might not have believed him but she wouldn’t have had the motivation to start another fight regarding it and ruin my peace.

    “What I have been noticing so far (but perhaps it lessened a bit in your latest post) is that you are more angry at your friend than you are at B, who actually stole your chat and was interrogating your friend and is making false accusations against you whenever she can.” I was angry at him whenever I found out the foolishness he did, but I have forgiven him for his actions but dont expect me to trust him again. That is all I am saying.

    “I think it’s very important to be clear who the real abuser is – who is the person who has really hurt you. Because if you get more angry at your friend (who is just a foolish guy whom she managed to manipulate) than at the real abuser, you won’t be able to heal properly.” We already made it clear that B is the real abuser but that doesn’t excuse the guy for the things he did. My anger for him is not larger than B, but that doesn’t make me not angry. I still have anger, it is just not that big compared to the anger I have for B.

    “So he broke under pressure – he didn’t want to (and probably couldn’t) lie. He didn’t tell her that to be mean, but because she was pressuring him to confess.” Yes, I understand that he broke under pressure, but that still doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to be blamed for what happened next.

    “Now that I know the full story – that she pressured him to confess – I can see that he didn’t intentionally breech the confidence, but that she was good in extorting the information from him. And he couldn’t lie. So forget what I said: he isn’t to be blamed for admitting.” Firstly, what do u mean he couldn’t lie? He couldn’t lie to a girl he barely knew? Secondly, it is my ASSUMPTION that he broke under her pressure. Cause all I know is that she asked him a lot of questions, I don’t know if he made any effort to not feed her unnecessary information. But even if he did break under pressure, it still doesn’t change the fact that he is still to be blamed for telling her his assumptions instead of real facts.

    “She expected you to just accept it and behave as if nothing happened, whereas it was a huge deal and not just something to move on from easily.” Her reasoning is that it was her trauma and I had no right to share it because it happened to her, not me.

    “Because you didn’t dedicate a song to her?” Lol I didn’t dedicate the song, the girl just inspired the main melody. Thats it. How the hell do I dedicate a song to a girl that I barely know?

    “BTW you are using the present tense: “now she is getting everything mixed up“, “B now assumes that I never loved her“. But you also say “we don’t talk anymore anyway”, so I do hope you haven’t been communicating in the past few days, and that you have managed to present yourself as cold and reserved to her?” No, that part happened like 2-3 weeks ago, I just kept the present tense since it is still relatively recent. We haven’t talked in a while now and the last time I talked to her, I was cold to her.

    “You would make friends that appreciate you and accept you as you are.” At this point, I don’t think such friends exist.

    “How are you working on your issues, if I may ask? What are you doing for your healing?” I am indulging in my music production, reading a lot about communication skills and stuff. Apparently I could have Asperger’s syndrome? The symptoms seemed to match with me but I don’t like to do self diagnosis so I am just going to let it be, but it does explain why my communication skills are so bad and why nobody wants to talk to me. Instead of blurting out my anger to certain people, I write it down and then read over it and make changes to it so that I am better at expressing myself and then I decide whether or not I should express myself to anyone because I have also realized that nobody gives a damn anyway so I should just release my anger in the form of writing instead of trying to make people understand.

    “Well, I do care how you feel. I care about your healing as well. I know it’s not like having a friend irl, but just so you know – someone cares about your well-being.” Thank you, I appreciate it.

    “Although you could have more empathy for your guy friend and less for your abuser. But you are showing more empathy for him in your latest post, and I am glad about that.” I understand the circumstances he might have been in, but u can never be 100% sure about these things. Though I forgive him for his foolishness, I am not going to trust him the way I did before.

    “You really want to know what would help you? I think it would help you if you could get angry at your abuser, Paradoxy. Abusers, actually. You know who they are. B is not the only one.” I AM ANGRY. I just can’t express my anger. Cause the anger towards B comes out in the form of verbal abuse and then I become the abuser, and when it is to my parents, it comes out as disrespect. So all I can do is just bottle up my anger. It is so annoying when you find yourself shaking with anger in the middle of a church sermon cause of the memories of everything that has happened.

    “Because so far you had the tendency to appease your abusers and make excuses for them. You have been making excuses for B for months. Even believing that you are the bad guy, that you are to be blamed for her bad behavior. Until you’ve realized that she is the bad guy and that she doesn’t really care about your feelings (I hope you’ve realized that!).” I am not actually trying to make excuses, I am just trying to factor in every possible outcome cause we can never be 100% sure that our assumptions are correct. So when I consider all the possibilities, I end up being more lenient and forgiving.

    “Remember you wanted to hit a punching bag because you were angry at your friend? Well, the idea is to feel a similar kind of anger at your abusers. And then hit the punching bag (not them!).” Yea I am directing that anger into running now since I dont have a real punching bag.

    “This girl sounds spoiled because she was complaining about various things, but no matter what you said to help her, she refused everything. And is now only talking to you out of politeness and not because she wants to.” No she doesn’t seem to be spoiled. She is the oldest of the three sisters and her father raised her in a manner where she is responsible for all the chores and everything. So basically she experienced a lot of hardships in her life, her siblings would be the spoilt ones. Besides she says she doesn’t want to talk about her issues because she might end up regretting it. Says it is cause of what she is going through in life rn. BUT HOW DO U EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH IF SHE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING TO ME???? She is so complex that even I don’t know how to describe her, I would have to show u the conversations itself for u to understand how hard it is for me to talk to her.

    “Well, it’s not your fault. But you automatically think it’s your fault. And you also fear your father’s reaction, as if it were your fault that a spoiled girl doesn’t want to talk to you.” Yea but look at the logic. U know the saying that if one student fails, then it’s the student’s fault but if every student fails, then it is the teacher’s fault. In the same way, if EVERYONE rejected my friendship, then obviously it has to mean that I am the one doing wrong. That is how my father views it as well. And I am going to Florida in August and knowing him, he is going to force me into an uncomfortable position to talk to the girl in person. Lol I am literally praying that he forgets about her, but I don’t think that is possible. Another thing is that this girl AND her best friend rejected my friendship. And my dad already knows about her best friend, and he is already trying to convince me to talk to her best friend again. I am not going to let myself be disrespected again bruh.

    “May I remind you that you’ve got the right to not maintain friendship with someone you don’t like (or who doesn’t like you), even if your father objects. You’d need to start allowing yourself that much autonomy, because him trying to control whom you are talking to is a little bit too much, don’t you think?” Yes I know that. But he is trying to “help” me make friends AND he is going to ask too many questions if I tell him what happened between me and her. And then I would have to sit through an hour long lecture of him advising me. He might even check through my phone (he was already doing that when I was home few weeks ago). He is going to abuse his parental authority on me and I just want peace rn, not unnecessary drama. How do u expect me to go against his authority as a parent???

    Paradoxy

    #434092
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “Nobody was saying that… I was referring to the song that was inspired by one of the girls in your university class.” Yes I know that. I am saying how could people assume that I was interested in her just cause she inspired the melody for a song?

    “The phrase you’ve been using so far was that your friend told B that you were interested in the girl who inspired you to write a song” He said that I was ROMANTICALLY interested in the girl, which is why B assumed I was cheating on her.

    “So even if you told him that your being intrigued by her is not of a romantic kind, he still might have not believed you. Because let’s be frank: being intrigued by a girl, who caught your attention, and writing a song for her – definitely means interest of some kind.” Lol that is why I said it won’t make sense cause I made a song for a 10 year old as well but that doesn’t make me a pedophile.

    “So your friend wasn’t lying to B after all.” So making false assumptions doesn’t go along with lying? Would it be correct if I said that he should have kept his false assumptions to himself instead of telling B?

    “So will you own up to the fact that you expressed interest in that girl, or at least that writing a song for her and telling your friend that you were intrigued by her – could be interpreted as interest?” I didn’t know that could be interpreted as ROMANTIC interest, ESPECIALLY after SPECIFICALLY stating that I was not romantically interested in the girl.

    I know the guy is in the gray area rn, which is why I am forgiving him for his foolishness but I am not going to trust him again. Surprisingly, he messaged me today to “check up on me” for the first time in months. And I have a very sneaky suspicion that B might be using him to get to me, but that is just an assumption so I won’t think about it too deeply.

    “He told her the truth, or what is close to truth: that you are interested or could be interested in that girl in the present time, in June of 2024, 3 months after the breakup with B. He didn’t tell her that you have been interested in her for months prior, or that you have been emotionally cheating on B.” No, he told B near the end of April, even before I realized any real interest developing for her. That is why it is stupid, because he came to this false assumption and shared it with B even before I started actively thinking about the girl. And I can’t even tell if it was his false assumption that indirectly made me start thinking about her anyway.

    What is even more stupid is that I told the guy about another girl who intrigued me cause she is ALWAYS SMILING when she talks. So I just found it weird that she is able to smile so often despite how stressful med is and I shared that with him, but how come he didn’t assume I was romantically interested in her? And I pointed that out to B as well and now she is getting everything mixed up cause there is another girl who shares the same name as the girl who always smile and this girl happened to be an Indian while the smiling girl is Caribbean but B now assumes that I never loved her because she thinks that it was the Indian girl who intrigued me when it was actually the other girl who always smiled. This is some bs. Anyway, I managed to clarify all the confusion but I don’t think B believes me but we don’t talk anymore anyway so it doesn’t matter. B’s overthinking really is annoying.

    “Accuse is the wrong term here” – Well, telling you that you are wrong for doing something you’ve done – is accusing.”  Well accuse just seemed like a harsh term considering he made the comment like it was a suggestion.

    “You were not telling everybody about B’s prostitution, but you only told him, whom was your best friend, and whom you used to confide in. So it’s not fair to say that you were telling it to everybody.” Yea, but he still thinks it’s wrong for me to have told him. And now I feel guilty cause it feels like I disrespected B by telling him.

    “So he is repeating her narrative: that prostitution wasn’t her fault (“cause its not her fault”) and that you should have just accepted it and moved on. And kept pretending as if nothing happened, and kept having sex per usual.” Yea basically that is what he is saying.

    “Well, he is not keeping it professional with you, because he is talking about your relationship with B and even telling you what you should and shouldn’t have done. He is definitely not professional, but is talking about private stuff. More precisely, the stuff that you confided in him about back then, and that now he is claiming you’ve never should have done (parroting B’s opinion).” Yeah but that conversation only happened once and I prefer to keep it that way for now.

    “In fact, he should have never said to B that he knows she prostituted herself. That was a breach of your trust, because you never told him it’s okay to give away such confidential information, have you?” He said that he thought it would be okay since we had already broken up. He seems to have cracked under the pressure B was putting on him when she was hammering him with a lot of questions. Besides, it is kinda hypocritical for me to blame him cause B told me to keep the issue between us but I told the guy cause of the emotional stress I was under, so expecting him to keep it from B was not to be expected anyway. I breached the confidence that B and I had, so do I really have the right to criticize the guy for breaching the confidence between him and I?

    “I don’t think he did it on purpose back then, when you broke up. I guess he wanted to be “mean” and put her in her place (because he didn’t like her back then). But it wasn’t a nice thing to do, and yes, it was a breech of trust on his part.” Nah he was definitely not trying to be mean, he just cracked under pressure when B asked him a thousand times about whether I told him what really happened.

    “This would be the goal of your healing: individuation, finally giving yourself permission to fully be yourself. It is a huge goal, but you are young. Nevertheless, the sooner you start working on it, the better…” Yes I am working on that, but I have also realized that in order to make friends, I am the one who is forced to adapt to them. In fact I am the most malleable person I know, able to shift the way I think and process to accommodate others, but they are unable to do it for me. So are you saying that I should stop trying to make friends and just stick to myself and my healing? Cause even if I heal, I would end up chipping a part of me whenever I try to make a friend.

    I am aware of my feelings and I am aware of my issues, which I am working on. But the main concern is that nobody else cares about how I feel. Nobody else cares about whether I am lonely, whether I feel disrespected or hurt or etc. That just seems unfair to me cause I am trying my best to understand others. Always trying to make sure that nobody is left behind. Often checking on others to make sure they are ok. But what about me? I am healing, but it just becomes ridiculous when I end up chipping myself every time I try to help others.

    Paradoxy

    #434024
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “Didn’t you say it was a girl from your university class?” Yes but that was for one song. A 10 year old girl inspired the melody for a different song, so I am saying that it would be stupid for people to assume that I am a pedophile just cause a 10 year old inspired one of my songs. And in the same way, it would be stupid for people to assume that I am in love with a female classmate just cause she inspired a song.

    “And that you are starting to feel infatuated with her.” Yes, but that realization was a result of my own overthinking and I was only hit by that realization months after the incident. I wasn’t actively thinking about the girl at the time.

    “Remember she asked him whether you are cheating when you didn’t answer your phone because you were sleeping? That’s where her mind goes immediately: to blame and accuse, even if the other person is innocent.” Yes I know that, but the guy’s response was like watering the seed and allowing it to grow inside her mind.

    “If she indeed saw a chat about this girl that you are infatuated with and wrote a song to – then there is no argument to convince her of the opposite.” Nah she just saw that I made a song and that it was inspired by the girl and I asked the guy for his opinion on the song. She just came to the conclusion that because the girl inspired me to make a song, maybe I was emotionally/mentally cheating on her.

    “And besides, maybe your guy friend really thought that you were interested in the girl – because you were? Because you yourself said you were infatuated by her?” I definitely didn’t say I was infatuated with her. I said that the girl has intrigued me and caught my attention but I specifically told him that it was nothing romantic or infatuation or anything like that.

    “If you wrote a song for a girl (not a 10-yr old, but someone in your class), and you are infatuated by her – is it a foolishness to believe that you are interested in her?” But I SPECIFICALLY told the guy that I was not infatuated with her. I specifically told him not to get any wrong ideas, that I was just intrigued by her.

    “So the “original seed” is in her: the suspicion, the paranoia, the tendency to accuse others. He only poured some water on that seed by saying “yeah maybe he’s interested in that girl”. And let’s face it – you yourself said you were infatuated… so perhaps he wasn’t even lying.” Ok fine, you are right about him watering the seed. But that was really unnecessary. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT I WAS INFATUATED WITH THE GIRL. That was a realization I had MONTHS after the incident happened, and I told u when I came to that realization.

    “But I wouldn’t exclude her being flirty either – perhaps not openly flirty like sending pursed lips photos, but more like sweet and agreeable, so that she can paint the image of herself as a kind, sweet person – and win him over.” Yea probably.

    “So you are in touch with him at the moment? And he is accusing you of confiding in him about her prostitution? And he is blaming you for leaving her after she admitted she’s prostituted herself?” Yes we still talk. I just never confronted him about what he said to B. Accuse is the wrong term here but he is definitely saying that I am wrong for telling people about what happened to B because it is supposed to be something that I should have kept as a secret between B and I, and he is also saying that I am in the wrong for leaving her as well.

    “If so, she managed to turn him against you and present herself as the victim…” Yea probably, and that makes me sick. I am just going to maintain a professional friendship with him now. But honestly, that pushes me back to being alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to or engage in any friendly conversation with. I am just sitting in my room studying and listening to music and etc but it definitely feels lonely.

    “I strongly suggest watching her videos, because they can explain why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling.” Yea I will watch the video. But I can’t stop feeling like I am the issue. Cause a girl contacted me about music and stuff and my father told me that I should become friends with her since I don’t have anyone. So I tried and tried and tried and now we don’t even talk anymore. Idek where the hell I am going wrong. Do I lack communication skills? What the hell am I supposed to say when she tells me she is having a bad day? I asked her if she wants to talk about it and she would say no. What am I supposed to do when she says she has trouble falling asleep? So I asked her if she had any troubling thoughts bothering her, and then she just said bye. What am I supposed to do when she says she is in pain? I asked her what kind of pain it is and where the pain is located and she said she doesn’t want to talk about it. THEN WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I am trying to respect her wishes but it’s not getting anywhere. The “friendship” has reached the point where she still talks to me cause “its the right thing to do” and not cause she actually wanted to. What about my feelings? What about my issues? Told me that we should just remain acquaintances and we should talk less. I just feel like a fool. And what is more annoying is that I have to keep trying to maintain a friendship with her because I don’t want my father to find out that this girl also rejected my friendship. Am I really that bad?

    Paradoxy

     

    #433964
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “How come? She has a seductive vibe, doesn’t she? (and she contributes to that vibe by posting sexy pix, wearing sexy clothes etc). Why would it be hard to believe?” Yes but it seems highly exaggerated….

    “But even if he didn’t tell her, she would have concluded it herself, because if someone writes a song for a girl, or is inspired by a girl, it would be logical to assume they are interested in her.” That is some bs cause a 10 year old girl inspired the melody for one of my songs, there is no way people can assume that I am a pedophile just cause my song was inspired by a child.

    “So even if he told her “no, he is not interested, she just inspired him to write a song” – do you think she would have believed him?” It sure would be better than saying that I AM INTERESTED IN HER, even if B chose not to believe him. She would have kept the theory to herself but the guy gave her the confirmation needed for her to start a fight with her stupid theories.

    “So who is fueling those fights?” She may be the main person who is providing the fuel for the fights, but I really dont need someone else helping her by adding to the fire.

    “How would you not be the main topic of their discussion, at least in the beginning?” At least speak the truth about me instead of making up foolishness.

    “No, that theory came from the chat she stole, and you having written a song for a girl.” Like I told u before, the cheating theory existed even before I made the song. But it was just a theory that held no evidence so she only brought it up once when the guy told her that I COULD be cheating. Now that theory resurfaced cause of the song but the original seed was planted by him.

    “Better be firm with her and attempt as few meetings as possible.” Yeah I am working.

    “Yes, better not to trust either of them, specially because he might be “corrupted” by being in touch with her and being sold her version of the story. And so he might be giving her information about you, telling her what you said etc. So at this point, he is not to be trusted, unfortunately.” But that’s the thing, he barely knows anything about me now. He has changed from how he was in high school. He has slept with like 20 women already and sleeping with them on rotation and though I don’t think B flirted with him, I am pretty sure she made him feel comfortable enough to talk about deep/intimate topics, enough to make him comfortable enough to hit on her as well.

    “She is malevolent, he isn’t. And your relationship (between you and your guy friend) might be worth repairing.” I am being villanized by him now cause I had chosen to open up to him about what happened in January but now he is saying that I shouldn’t have told anyone about what happened in January and I shouldn’t have left B (“cause its not her fault”) and now I just feel sick to the bottom of my heart cause of everything that is happening.

    “Keeping things in the dark, keeping secrets, and letting the friendship slip away is probably not what you want.” I don’t think I care anymore. I just want to be on my own now. Just bottling up all my feelings and never let anyone know what I go through. Feel like I should just maintain a professional relationship with him, cause he has definitely changed from who he was before and I am not the type to support him as he goes around sleeping with a bunch of people and doing foolishness.

    I am just tired of everything. Wasting my energy for others. I wanted a real friend. But I dont think I will ever get that.

    Paradoxy

     

     

    #433882
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “Because she seduced him over those 3 months? He couldn’t resist her? BTW did you explicitly tell him not to communicate with her after you two broke up? Because as far as I know, they were friends/acquaintances too – he didn’t know her only through you, right?” I find the seduction part very difficult to believe but what does that have to do with him fueling the fight between us? We already broke up so if he was interested in her, then talk about each other instead of talking about things that aren’t even true about me. And no, I did not tell him to not communicate with her because whoever she entertains is none of my business, nor do I care. I just want my money and I will be on my way.

    “The person who is causing the fights is her – she is accusing you of having a poor choice of friends” Yes but she is also accusing me of cheating and etc, and that theory only came about cause of the misunderstandings that the guy created.

    “Knowing her intentions, she didn’t appreciate the silence. Because she wants to lure you back in.” Yes I know that but I already told the guy that she is pestering me over foolishness and that I don’t want her to have more excuses to continue fighting me. He was the one who even suggested that I ignore her entirely so what is the logic behind him fueling the fights?

    “So can you be cold enough and tell her that you don’t want to accompany her to the ATM at night, and that you only are willing to go with her if she has your next installment ($100)?” I can.

    “Or, I have a better idea. Why don’t you make a bargain with her. Something like this: “if I accompany you, and if there is less than 100 bucks, I am taking all the money there is on your account. Maybe I’ll let you keep $10. Because you dragged me to the ATM in vain. So if you do, I am warning you, next time I am taking all your money. Is it a deal?” Can you be cold enough to say that?” I could say that, but she won’t agree to it. What then?

    “I would still talk to him and hear his side of the story. Because if you don’t, you participate in her game, you side with her against him. And you should never side with a liar and a manipulator, specially not without checking the other side of the story.” Idk, I still don’t like the idea of trusting neither of them. I think it is just better to not trust anyone at all because at this point idk who can be trusted or not.

    Paradoxy

     

    #433867
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    “There cannot be a peaceful resolution with her, in the sense that she is finally happy with you and gives you back your money and you both go on your merry ways, separately.” Even if I don’t get a peaceful resolution with her, why give her more reasons to continue arguing with me? More material to use against me when he clearly knows the information is false?

    “No, dear Paradoxy, SHE is the reason she is continuing to fight with you.” YES, BOTH OF US KNEW THAT. So why in the world did he give her more excuses to continue fighting?

    “And btw, why would it be even your fault that your friend is hitting on her?” She is saying that she told me that my friends are bad and etc and that I have poor choice of friends.

    “What I am trying to say is that even if he weren’t hitting on her, she would still be fighting with you.” We had stopped talking entirely until he hit on her and she sent me the screenshots. I would have appreciated it if I could have maintained that silence.

    “And then of course, what else but to ask you to accompany her? Right?” Even if it is just her manipulation, I can’t have her death on my conscience, sorry.

    “Am I right in assuming that she is acting very sweet on those walks to the ATM?” Yes, and crying on the way back home cause I rejected her advances.

    “Nothing happened to her at those pool parties, where she was dancing almost naked, when you two weren’t dating yet.” Those parties can’t be compared to a dark alley that is known to have robberies occurring often.

    “She doesn’t have to go to the ATM late at night” She doesn’t have to, but she will still do it, because she knows that I wont be able to sit still knowing she is out there walking alone in the middle of the night.

    “First, why don’t you come up with a plan to pay you back in installments, e.g. $100 a month? I don’t know what’s your laptop worth, but I guess not more than $1000? So that would be 10 months.” That is exactly what I am doing. She already paid 100$ already, but she still has a lot more to give back.

    “BTW, how much did she already pay back, if I may ask?” Like I stated earlier, she has only paid 100$ and she still has 400 more to go for the laptop (and another 400 for the investment that I paid right before our break up if possible).

    “As far as the laptop money, perhaps the best way would be to get a summer job and earn a thousand bucks and that’s it.” Can’t get a summer job while in med, the work load is too much. I have exams coming up soon.

    I just need to make myself stern and cold and only talk to her when she says the money is ready. That is the only solution rn.

    Paradoxy

     

     

    #433856
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Assuming u r right about the situation, do u think I should waste my time confronting him, especially knowing he could lie about the situation? Isn’t the best course of action to just be on my guard and trust no one?

    “And are you sorry?” No I never cheated on her. I am saying that the first time, he told her that I could be cheating, when I was actually just sleeping but that made her break up with me. But after that, recently when B was talking to him again after reading our conversation, he told her that I was interested in someone, when I actually wasn’t, and she assumed that I was interested in that person for months and she assumed that I was breaking up with her because I was cheating when I actually wasn’t. She thought I was just pinning to blame on her to break up with her so that I could be with someone else. But none of that was true. I was never interested in anyone else. But the false information that he fed to her led to this conclusion.

    “But what about all the other breakups that you initiated because of her bad behavior? Because of her lying about her ex? Because of her wearing revealing outfits and posting it on social media in spite of promising not to? Because of her prostituting herself?” I know all that, but she thinks that these are just my excuses to pin the blame on her because she thinks I was cheating on her.

    “All that didn’t endanger your relationship, but that one occasion where she asked your friend if you were cheating (so she came up with the paranoid thought first), then he decided not to dissuade her – that’s what endangered your relationship?” No the relationship was already endangered by then, but I am trying to get a peaceful resolution and this dude is feeding her with unnecessary things behind my back???? I am trying to get my money and move on and this dude is creating reasons for her to continue fighting with me?

    “And your friendship is not already ruined? “ No really, cause I am not dumb enough to just blindly believe what B showed me. I am just going to keep my guard up until the guy does something stupid again.

    “Oh so you even have to take her to the ATM? She doesn’t have online banking, so she doesn’t know how much money she has?” Apparently she can’t access the website? And she wanted to deposit some money into her account so she needed to go to the atm for that. And it was in the night and the place we live can get dangerous at night.

    “And then once you get to the ATM and she sees her account is almost empty, she sheepishly says “oops, nothing there. Can’t give you back today, sorry”. And that’s it? You’re buying it?” Yes I saw her account balance and it was roughly 60$. What else am I supposed to do other than wait patiently until next month? She promised to pay then. I can’t let go of this money.

    “Well actually, she’s making a fool put of you. First, she would know how much roughly she has. I mean, she should know it – before she calls you. The fact that she is dragging you to the ATM and then acts surprised that she doesn’t have the money, and basically stands you up and you go back empty handed, is beyond humiliating.” I saw it coming from a mile away but I needed to hold on to that 1% hope. Besides I can’t have her death on my conscience if something did happen since she was leaving in the middle of the night. This woman is now asking if I could buy her an 80$ perfume as “a gift” for her. This woman is craaaaaazzzzyyyyy I swear. The audacity is insaneeeeeee.

    “Acceptance to be treated like a clown?” No acceptance as in controlling my emotions and not allowing her to trigger me.

    I didn’t want to be cold to her, but I think that is my only choice right now. I am not letting her fool me anymore.

    Paradoxy

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 105 total)