I realized that there is an assumption in all of this that friends are necessary. I have…. to me, they feel like acquaintances because of the lack of commitment and intimacy on their end, but as I understand, this is what people consider friends, reserving commitment and intimacy for a partner or maybe family. Being estranged from my family and being completely shut out of the dating pool, I end up seeking these things in people who will never have any interest in sharing them.

So I considered whether it would be possible or even healthy to just go without. And it turns out it can be: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/comparatively-speaking/201905/why-you-dont-need-friends

The short version is that people find being able to competently provide for their own basic needs is far more crucial to happiness than friendship.

And though I crave sharing commitment and intimacy with someone, I can’t give it to people who don’t want it. So I realized that I can commit to myself and to grow in self-knowledge aka self-intimacy. I can even be romantic with myself. For instance, I inquired about getting a horse-drawn carriage ride by myself (you can!)

If the world rejects me, I still have space to nurture a rich spiritual life. If people reject me, I still have my gods and my ancestors.

I’m in a much better place than I was when I first posted. Thank you.